Portofino

Portofino
Missile Coordinates:	Lat. +44.409177° Lon. -8.935420°
Village Idiot:	Tony, that fat asshole
Currency:	FunBuxx

Portofino, (Italian: Portofino) Italy, Orlando, Florida, is a fishing village and luxury resort hotel. It is considered to be one of the most beautiful and fucked-up ports in all of the Mediterranean Sea. It's history is rich in murder mystery, cooking shows, romantic comedy, and porn shoots.

History[edit | edit source]

Portofino was founded in 5,000,001BC by sentient dolphins who flopped up on the shore and promptly died. The dolphins spoke fluent Italian and gave the village its name, meaning "Port of the Dolphin."

Portofino was founded in 150,000BC by Neanderthals. It was a popular vacation spot for defecation and guttural grunting, despite its prohibitive cost. The Neanderthals adopted the name "Portofino" for the village after learning Italian and discovering lost dolphin scriptures. Unfortunately, dolphins were not discovered until 1856 by the French chemist Antoine Lavoisier, who was a total fag. Realizing this, the Neanderthals temporarily named the village Cleveland and proceeded to extinct themselves in a bangin' orgy.

Portofino was founded in 100,000BC by Cromagnons, who built a rudimentary fishing village. The village lasted for several years until they realized they were actually fishing rocks and died of starvation. Dolphin necrophiliacs took advantage of the situation just as a nearby volcano erupted, preserving them like a statue while they were in the act of vigorously humping the corpses, some of which still exist today.

Portofino was founded in 1,000BC by Romans. As technologically advanced Latin-speaking dicks, the Romans laughed at and pissed on the ruins of their predecessors and were torn limb from limb by culturally sensitive bears. The Romans were so frightened that they fenced off the Portofino area and used it as a prison. Criminals were stripped naked, greased, and forced to live in the wild, however the prison was closed when it was found that the inmates were having anal sex (A favorite Roman pastime, considered too enjoyable for prisoners.) and were escaping to Poland on dolphinback.

Portofino was not visited by Jesus Christ in 30AD.

Portofino was founded in 1066 by Pagan exiles. The Pagans were the most successful group to ever inhabit Portofino, turning the village into a luxury resort hotel called the Portofino Resort at Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida. By charging US$499 per night ($SYNTAX ERROR when adjusted for inflation as of 2008.) and establishing Nickelodeon Studios nearby, the Pagans significantly monetized the area and grew so rich they bought a controlling share of Switzerland.

Portofino was founded in 1536 by Spanish Communists who had been vocal opponents of the Pagan Oligarchy in Portofino. As outlined in their manifesto, their intention was to replace the ruling class with another ruling class in a bloody proletarian revolution and lower the standard of living. They were unsuccessful in their goals, and instead accidentally created a paradise that lasted for several hundred years. The global communist community learned from their mistakes, and improved communist societies such as Kentuckistan exist today.