XBox 359

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Hello! I am guilty spark. Are we playing Halo?

Xbox 359 is the codename for the 359th Xbox sold in Afghanistan, purchased by local florist Osama bin Laden so he could play Halo 2 over Xbox Live. Unfortunately, due to the lack of an internet connection in the area, Osama was deprived of this luxury and subsequently moved to the USA under the alias Dr. Phil.

Introduction[edit | edit source]

Bin Laden smuggled XBOX 359 into the USA sometime in late 2004, disguising it as a Machine Gun and hiding it in his bikini. Due to lax customs officers at JFK International, it went by unnoticed. However, officials charged bin Laden a 3% Tax on the machine gun, incensing him. When asked to comment on this outrage by Conan O'Brien, bin Laden simply responded, "meh".

Sale[edit | edit source]

Following the announcement of the Xbox 360 release date in late 2099, and utterly bored of playing Halo 2 online (he complained he never got host), bin Laden thought it'd be a good idea to make a quick buck out of selling the 359, capitalising on the ignorance of the United States public. And so he auctioned it on Ebay as 360's one and only predecessor, a prototype version much faster and that he claimed was manufactured by Oscar Wilde.

Within hours, the bid was at $25,000,000.25 and growing fast. It was eventually purchased by the crude guy; he is Bill Gates for $289,293,001.23. (.1337% of his entire fortune). When he discovered there was a postage cost of $15.50, Gates was outraged. His wife suggested he bribe bin Laden with a new 360 in exchange for postage costs. His response:

"Oh c'mon, you know it's not worth that much, even WITH the hard drive and HARDCORE gadgetry!"

Eventually, instead of having it posted, Gates sent his pet Golden Retriever Steve Jobs to fetch it from Florida, bin Laden's haunt. Ballmer soon recovered it, but Gates was further incensed when he discovered the plug was from the Middle East and the format of the platform was PAL. He did, however, agree that the graphics were far more impressive than his newly-created 360.

Gates soon informed his favourite gigalo and US president George Bush of this disgrace, claiming he was fooled into buying a prototype of his own product by an "unidentified middle-eastern woman". Bush's response was historic:


It is said that bin Laden escaped with the fortune to somewhere on Christmas Island, where he opened a cattery.

NOTE: This console is not to be confused with the Peterbilt 359 semi truck.