PlayStation
“That god damn Mario will rue the day he tried to cross me.”
“HA! I outrank you in this scenario!”
“What?”
The PlayStation, formerly a video game console and now a concept with no physical form forcefully sewn into the threads of existence, was created in 1945 by a former Green Beret[1] named Sony Company (a.k.a. "the Sony") after stealthily stealing schematics and blueprints and secret microchips from an Imperial Japanese Army base. He then worked with Reggie of Nintendo America to use this technology to market their Pepsi Drink through video games. And then Japan got pissed because they didn't think of doing that first, leading to the PlayStation becoming one of the main causes of the Cold War.
1945–1996: Origins, VR Missions, Bubsy 3D and "The Tropical Freeze Age"[edit | edit source]
The Imperial Japanese Army accidentally made the PlayStation in Unit 731 after trying to figure out how to fit a 12-year-old Chinese boy in a tiny plastic box. Everything else explains itself.[no it doesn't]
1997: Subsistence, other endeafvors, and the transition into the realm beyond physical forms[edit | edit source]
After the War on Terror, Sony Company came back home and immediately started development on a game based on his traumatic experiences with getting passed around like a football by his buddies in the platoon. This games was called "Jumping Flash! 3: Subsistence, Persistence, Abstinence and Existence" And we all know this game right? Sold 40 million copies even though that was 41 million more people than the world had at the time right? This made the Japanese get SCARED!!! They were like "OH MY GOD!!! WE need to stop this American Patriotic Company from becoming a wound festering in our midst!" So they went to the secret underground lab carved from the hole made when America nuked the 9/11 Headquarters in Nagasaki. And they made Sega Dreamcrast. But nobody bought it because the only game they had was SpongeBob. So they had to go into the lab and spy on Americans and they saw that Italians were a HOT MARKET ITEM in America at the time!! So they made this game "Super Mario Bros." and then these sick Pieces of SHIT went to YouTube and paid off all the famous you-tubers at the time to advertise it to kids. And this Foul play led to the game selling 20 billion copies because they also paid off All the Aliens from Saturn to come down and buy the game and convince Americans that this game was really good!!
But Sony this sick fuck guy he had an Idea. He was in his laboratory in Pearl Harbor and was experimenting with adding 2 Awesome Hot Ladies to the controller. But we all know that Video games is GAY!!! So he added 2 EXTRA PENIS to the controller to Play with if you get bored. And then he contacted Team Ico and made Ape Escape this hot new game required use of the DualPenis controller and so all the 7 planets in the galaxy said HOLY SHIT!! WE NEED TO PLAY THIS!! And the game sold 1 trillion copies and the sun was really dim that day because all the sun particles came down to buy it too.[no citation needed, we all saw this happen]
But the Japan said NOOO WE NEED TO REGAIN CONTROL OF THIS MARKET!! so they made the Sega Saturn console (pathetic attempt to regain their footing on Saturn through emotional appeal. HA!) and then they made a Second Japan so they could make a Second Mario but ACTUALLY THEY DIDN'T MAKE SHIT AND SUPER MARIO 2 WAS ACTUALLY A JAPANESE GAME CALLED "Pick Those Radishes! Italian Crisis Panic" Because they thought all Americans were fucking stupid and didn't know that Italians don't even EAT RADISHES but they were WRONG!! THAT'S COMMON AMERICAN KNOWLEDGE!!! But that didn't stop the Japanese, so they sold it as "Super Mario 64" because 64 is 2 to the 6th power and That made it so they could easily put the DEVIL IN THE BRAINS OF AMERICAN CHILDREN!!! But it didn't work. Because the game only sold 64 copies. And then Sony guy, discovering that he had ascended to a state of pseudo-mortality after the PlayStation moved 1 billion units and could never die ever, used the infinite time he had to make Metal Gear Solid 2. And that made the US Army nuke Japan 8 more times for being so pathetic and not even THINKING of that video game!!! And then they made a PS3 because they were too good for make a 2nd one.
1998–present: The PlayStation's perpetual expansion and Mr. Sony's numerous escapes from maximum security crystal prison[edit | edit source]
During a fishing trip in the Rocky Mountains, Sony Company, realizing the horrible geopolitical implications of his mere existence, attempted to drown himself in the Pacific Ocean. This did not work as the Rocky Mountains are nowhere near the Pacific Ocean. So, in a manic state, he established millions of factories dedicated to making PlayStation hardware. And in only 7 weeks, the sky of the Western Hemisphere was covered by a chainlink barrier made of Namco JogCon controllers, and the Eastern Hemisphere covered in PlayStation Mice.[look up]
Controls[edit | edit source]
During the development of the PlayStation, the Sony came up with an idea after 10 years of ruminating and self-inflicted Chinese water torture. What if we just took the Super Nintendo Controller and added 2 Penises to hold onto and also 2 extra triggers? And what if we made the buttons shapes? Apparently nobody had ever thought of that before 1945, and nobody else can figure out why this was so revolutionary at the time because every living witness of the PlayStation is dead now other than Sony himself.
Hidetaka Miyazaki gave his account of the conception of the PlayStation controller in a 2001 interview:[2]
軍隊の到着を見て、群衆は道を譲ったが、ドアから中に入るすべはなく、ドアの前には死体が1メートル近くも積み上げられていた。 そのほとんどは石炭のスラグのように焼け焦げ、一部はアスファルトのようにくっついていた。 空気は嫌な臭いで充満し、マスクなしでは近づくこともできなかった。 私たちはスコップやツルハシを持って死体の山の中に立った。 しかし、私たちの仕事は現場をきれいにすることであり、全員がそれをしなければならなかった。 そしてその瞬間、私はビデオゲームのコントローラーを通して子供たちに幾何学を教えたいというビジョンを思い描いた。それで翌日、ソニーに戻ってこう言ったんだ。「あのコントローラーに図形をたくさん配置してくれ！」ってね。
I don't know what any of that means because I don't understand Japanese.
The Future?[edit | edit source]
Video game analysts predict that we are seconds away from another Great Video Game Famine the likes of what happened in 1983, the main reason being the Sony's vice grip on the neck of the gaming industry, and existence as a whole.
i'm too lazy to edit everything else beyond this point
Specifications[edit | edit source]
Hardware
- Self Destruction Trigger-Triggers console implosion if the disc tray is opened during gameplay
(anti-piracy method)
- Eject-LockOut-The disc tray can only be opened during gameplay.
(activates after warranty expires to ensure the system doesn't break)
- Anti cross game chat to make sure that no matter the demand it just wont be done
Central Processing Unit
- MIPS Chip, 5 MHz
- Operating Performance of 0.1
- 1KB Total RAM/Memory.
- Shape Shower X V.023, gave the system power for 3D Graphics.
- Features
- 1 3D hexagon graphic rendering
- 3 Frame rate per second at max
- Waranty Performance Set at 1 year, gave the system orders to corrupt system data after one year (when warranty expired)
Sound Unit
- UberSound v2.4 Chip
- Enables high quality M.I.D.I Playback
- 2KB sound ram
Others
- CD Rom Drive (on limited consoles only)
- Memory Card Deletion Capability (on all models)
- Memory Card Compatibility (only on the original launch model)
- Controller Ports (rumored feature of the ProtostionPlay, an unreleased console.
Review[edit | edit source]
See also[edit | edit source]
- ↑ He wasn't part of the US Special Forces, he just liked wearing green berets when he was a young man.
- ↑ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQgkFs98aOs