Vice City

Vice City
Motto: Crime Problem?!?
Civic anthem: "Video killed the radio star" by: I don't know but lets hope we never meet him/her/it
State	Florida
Official language(s)	Street
Mayor	Sephiroth
Established	Vice City is a cultural black hole. It has always been there and always will remain.
Currency	R2 L2 R1 L1 R2 L2 R1 L1 up down up down lef left triangle circle X
Opening hours	00:00 - 23:59

“Daddy earns money and goes away with his secretary and mommy provides dinner and keeps a brave face on things, even though her heart is breaking. Where are my pills?”

~ Jan brown on morality

“You see, that's what's wrong with this city. Liberals just want to open the floodgates, let anyone in, and make you, the ordinary hard-working men and women pay for the pleasure. Well, you have my permission to beat them with sticks. We won't prosecute. You'd be doing us all a favor! Free love, wig out, don't work, make love in the field, and listen to rock-n-roll or whatever you call it.”

~ Congressmen Alex Shrub on public justice

“When i am out buying a shower Curtin or a air conditioner filter or picking up my prescription marijuana, i don’t want to see your privates dangling about! When people of Vice City are in a Quik-E-Mart, they should be able to have a safe financial transaction, without seeing your firehose”

~ Maurice Chaves on librals.

Vice City is a sprawling metropolis on America's wang. It has been described by many as a cultural and physical black hole based on the fact that many people go in but nothing ever comes out. Vice City is cut off from the rest of America thanks to the ignorance of it’s inhabitance and a 200 foot moat built by John F Hickery. if the rest of the world was to be destroyed, the daily gang war of Vice City would continue forever with absolutely no outside interference. Some scientists predict Vice City will outlive the world but doubt it will have changed in that time.

Culture

Vice city has a typical American culture (or lack there of). If you are into movies there is a wide variety to choose from. Current productions include: “River Dance of Doom” (a story of a Austrian super hero who must save America from terrorist by amazing them with his super fast moving feet), “Exploder” (a movie with absolutely no detectable plot line but boasts the most explosions) as well as a large selection of pornography made daily at the Prawn Island movie theatre.

There is also a staged production, “In the future there will be robots” currently playing. It is a modern dance interpretation with stage lights and techno music lasting for 3 and a half hours. A fun filed day out for the whole family.

A TV show, “Just the 5 of us” is currently in production. It is the story of a family who adopts 3 homeless children. A pyro, a stoner and a 10 year old who thinks he is a 32 year old business man. Fun and laughs for anyone in Vice City who’s tv hasn’t been looted.

Many musical acts can be found around town. Scottish rock band, Love Fist are in town playing hits such as “I Want to Have Sex With Her” a moving love ballad with heart felt lyrics. Alternatively you could check out the Poll Position club. A wide variety of STD’s can be chosen from if you want to miss a few days off work, unemployment, or a free trip to a hospital (which are among the finest in the state.)

What to do in Vice City

Get out of town, quickly...for those who fail to do so, get stoned, raped, pissed, and fuck the nearest object that attracts their attention. To fit in in Vice City just keep all your drugs , booze and women in your car so the police don't get suspicious. Or you could always get intimidated and THEN beaten up by the bored locals who sit together in groups on the streets looking for something to maim and kill...... there really isn't anything better to do but you may want to try kiling yourself?

It’s a bit scary the first time you do it but don’t worry. John F. Hickory states that no one has been born or died in Florida since 1862. (but he’s been here for 3 years and that’s quite a long time) after death you will appear in front of a hospital 6 hours later wearing a Hawaiian shirt and with all your weapons gone (you'll find that the cops are playing with them 5 minutes later.) Unfortunately you can’t really kill yourself or the entire population of Vice City would of died out hundreds of years ago.

How to get out of Vice City

Unfortunately it is impossable to get out of Vice City. All roads lead in circles and ships/planes never actually leave. Everybody maintains their monotonous life day in, day out. many have tried to leave this god damned place but so far, all attempts have been unsucsesfull You can escape San andreas, but not Vice City.

Notable Places

Being a city, Vice City has various places inhabited by a wide variety of people. Vice City is is built over 2 large islands separated by a large waterway with a few islands in the middle. Imagine it as a giant virgina with some dried seamen stuck half way up.

Downtown

Downtown is located to the north of the west island. It is famous for it’s impossable-to-navigate streets and it’s excruciatingly high parking fee but this isn’t important as no one in Vice City actually owns a car. It’s more of a general fund. You take as you need and then dump when you finish and your car is automatically repaired and taken away.

If you get bored you can climb to the top of the helipad on the giant condo and try to fly it between the gap in the tall building. That’s about the average level of fun that Vice City experiences.

Litte Havana

Little Havana is located south of Downtown but no so south as to be considerd to be at the middle of the island. It is mostly inhabited by fat Cubans. And what would little Havana be without it’s cab company? If you are too lazy to steal a car for yourself you can call out a fat Cuban to do it for you. The Cubans seem to have a ongoing feud with the Haitians to the south over a unreturned garden tool. Thats about as exciting as it gets around here.

Little Haiti

If little Havana is the good neighbor hood of Vice City (which it’s not) then little Haiti would be the little Haiti of Vice City. This basically means that nothing is shabby enough to be compared with little Haiti. It’s almost as if those people came with no money, job or comprehension of the English language and threw up shacks in the nearest clear area. Actually, that's exactly what happened. The most notable building in little Haiti is the ice-cream factory, dedicated to bringing drugs to the children of the community.

Starfish Island

Starfish island is one of those dried seamen blobs. (literally and metaphorically.) It consists of those who are rich enough to bribe rival gangs away or to have window repair staff on site to always keep their mansions spick and spam. It seems that no matter what you do, as soon as you turn around, it’s back to the way it was. Creepy huh!?

Prawn Isand

• Don't fuck with it
• Don't fuck with anyone in it if you like the look of your rash-less genetalia.

Washington Beach

Washington beach consists of most of the east island and is one of the blandest places you will ever visit. It seems that everything looks the same no matter how far you go. The best advice is the hide here from local gangs and hope that the similarities of the landscape will confuse the simple minds of the gangs following you long enough for someone else to make them angry.

Transport

Vice city has 2 docks and a airport. Unfortunately, any vehicle leaving these facilities circles for a few minutes and returns. Car travel is your only real way to get around. You will want to get the best cars witch can be found in starfish island or you could drive around in a golf buggy stolen from Leaf Links golf course. The best thing to do is to drive around in a tank. Anyone that hits you blows up and you can run anything you want over with your awesome tank power.

To get to the pubs or beaches, you must risk life and limb by driving on Vice City's "roads" along with all of the other lunatics that are trying to make their way to the nearest crack house. Obeying road rules is purely optional whilst trying to get to a pub and gestures such as fingersigns and mooning are encouraged. Speed limit signs serve no purpose other than as shooting targets, or they would if there were any. However, Vice City seems to consist of a single giant freeway.

It should also be noted that Vice City drivers exhibit a number of interesting peculiarities: If it rains - they stop. If its foggy - they stop. If the wind is blowing - they stop. If there is a 'D' in the day - they stop. If road works are in progress - they stop. If a car stops on the side of the road - they stop. If a motorcyclist has an accident and police are in attendance - they stop. If a motorcyclist has an accident and no police - they swerve around the scene and keep going. NOTE: This is because motorcyclists are pure evil, and are often to be found breaking all laws, so you have to stay away from them or run them down if you are brave enough. . Motorcyclists in Vice City are considered a suicide risk, as anybody who would try to ride a motorcycle through Vice City traffic must have a death-wish. The police, however, have come up with a new evil machine to combat this - the MULTANOVA, which is now set to take your happy snap at 2kph over the limit (NB - no speedometer on earth is that accurate, not even in those in Porsches, so enjoy your fines). Sitting behind trees, it take's photos of innocent drivers who are going 10 ks below the limit, but they've all been tweaked by those cops who want all that money. Bet they spend it on donuts. The skies may be bright, but it sure as hell doesn't mean the drivers are.

Basic Rules for Driving in Vice City (subject to change at any time)

1. Always look right and left before proceeding through a red light.
2. When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow for oncoming traffic to pass.
3. Never, ever stop for a pedestrian. even if he flings himself under the wheels of your car.
4. The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it.
5. Learn to swerve abruptly. Vice is the home of slalom driving, thanks to the Department of Transportation, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
6. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork.
7. Always double-park unless triple-parking is available.
8. Always look both ways when running a red light.
9. Honk your horn the instant the light changes.
10. Breakdown lanes are not for breaking down, but for speeding, especially during rush hour. Breakdown lanes may also end without warning causing traffic jams as people merge back in.
11. If you should break down, allow your vehicle to come to a stop in the center lane. If road conditions are hazardous, exit your vehicle, without looking, and stand next to it, with your back to oncoming traffic. If your vehicle is about to blow up, position it next to as many other vehicles as possable.
12. Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in.
13. Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian ahead of you steps into the road, speed up loudly and chase them up on the curb. Women Pedestrians have no rights.
14. On a multi-lane highway, always drive in the left lane, even if there are others wanting to pass. Stay in the left lane until the last possible instant before cutting across all lanes to the exit.
15. When making a left turn at an intersection with a red light, glare at the oncoming drivers, inch your way into the intersection, and floor it when the green light from the other direction turns yellow.
16. When road conditions are hazardous, swerve in and out of lanes, to pass slower moving vehicles.
17. Communicating with other drivers and pedestrians is important. Gesture often.
18. Always bring your cell phone with you. Highway driving is a perfect time to chat with your friends and loved ones.
19. If you miss your exit, stop abruptly and back up.
20. When faced with a lane detour, due to construction, always pass as many complying vehicles as possible, wait until the last possible second, then swerve into the specified lane.
21. Be prepared for abundant construction detours.
22. Taxi Cab drivers are highly trained professionals. Observe and learn from their masterful techniques and driving skills.
23. Tip: Only pedestrians crossing within "Cross Walks" have legal rights. Pedestrians outside of "Cross Walks" are "fair game".
24. The sidewalk is considered a carpool lane. Corpses are considered passengers by the VCPD.

Things to know

With so many retards crammed into one spot, there is bound to be some whaky stuff going on around the clock.

Paster Richards Salvation Statue

Communists are invading America! People care about the environment. People have a interest in social justice. They even like to share. Paster Richards has a solution to stop this epidemic. Everybody has to give Paster Richards their money and he will build a 50 foot stature of himself full immune to nuclear radiation. When the Russians invade, and believe me they will, only those who gave sufficiently large pledges will enter the statue while the degenerates of the city are left to rot outside.

The Degenatron

The power of the arcade except for creepy people asking you if you wanna see their puppies!

“I’ll never go to school again!”

~ a random kid on the degenetron

The degenetron is the best thing to hit your tv screens in history. Who needs to go to the arcade when you can have all the fun right in your living room?

DEFENDER OF THE FAITH "Save the green dots with your fantastic flying red square!"

MONKEY'S PARADISE "Swing from green dot to green dot with your red square monkey!"

PENETRATOR "Smash the green dots deep inside the mysterious red square!"

A fat sweaty man comes to your house every sunday to empty the machine!

Ammunation

Have you just lost your weapons at a police station/hospital and forgot the cheats? No problem. You can pick them up at your local Ammunation! You don’t need a background check here. A wad of American currency or your daughter is payment enough.

Media

Vice city boasts a wide variety of radio stations for your listening pleasure.

Wildstyle

Wild style is perfect for the man who has had too much marijuana. The electro music is just what you need to enduce those fantasies. Beware, too much exposure to the low beats will eventually melt your brain.

Flash FM

The music on flash FM is about as deep as the baby pool. You may listen to this music but you are just trying to conseal the hurt and pain you are hiding inside.

KCHAT

KCHAT was created to interview the most wanted celebrities. Instead they got Australian beastliest and up tight dick head actors. KCHAT has a terrible taste in guests and this leads to a boring, unproductive radio station intent of making you hang yourself.

Fever 05

Fever 05 is the first and only black exclusive radio station. Only black people are allowed to listen to this station. If a white person listens to this station, they are to be stoned on the spot.

V-Rock

Vice City is full of bogans and there is nothing that bogans love more than noise. V-Rock delivers this noise to their audience without all those complicated melodic lines, instrumentation or lyrics.

VCPR

If you were fucking tired of music and wanted something worse then KCHAT, then look no further! VCPR is based of the ancient greek principle of latin debate. This is the first show where the announcer is a fat cuban. The show runs of donations, and no you can't donate your dick as that's just silly. All the guests are a bunch of crazies who can't fight their way out of a wet paper bag. Also one of the guests is a Rednecks... go figure.