Parthenogenesis is the development of a viable embryo without the use of sex. Thought to have first been invented by Zeus to avoid paying alimony to a swan he impregnated. This technique is now used by many different types of animals, from birds to bees. The discovery of parthenogenesis, rather ironically, is considered to be a validation and blessing to two distinct and opposing groups.
Fundamental Christians have claimed that the existence of parthenogenesis is clear evidence for the possibility of virgin birth and therefore shows, once and for all, that Virgin Mary was not 'just blaming God for the result of a little extra curricular activity.'
How Parthenogenesis Works
In pathogenesis an embryo is formed by either the merging of two female nuclei or the development of an egg containing only one nucleus.
The first method results in a fully developed and functioning female offspring, which is able to mate with a male, should one become available, and as such it is frowned upon by many leading feminists, who claim that this would be counter-productive in the development of a sustainable feminist society. They instead favour the use of the second possible method, which due to the haploid nature of the offspring would result in them being sexually infertile, but still able to produce more female offspring via parthenogenesis. This would of course completely eliminate any need for male involvement in the reproductive process.
Men are divided as to what to think of this, as though it presents an obvious danger to male involvement in sex, there is one enormous benefit to the technique from a male point of view, the technique, despite not technically needing a partner is made much more effective by the presence of another female engaging in sexual acts.
Both men and feminists have accused the Catholic Church of being spoilsports.
A Vatican official has claimed that any young women who value their souls must either find a way to guarantee any child of theirs produced by parthenogenesis is fertile or ensure that they are impregnated in the usual way.
Why Use Parthenogenesis?
Though feminists claim that there are many rather obvious reasons why it would be a good idea to remove the involvement of males in the reproductive process, the scientific community is not sure about the accuracy of this statement. They claim that most animals practicing parthenogenesis do not have the mental capacity to develop a belief as complex as feminism. This is widely believed to be a good thing.
Scientists instead promote the theory that parthenogenesis is a method to help the survival and spread of a species beyond its usual habitat.
For example, should a female whip-tail lizard find itself lost, and unable to read a map, it could end up isolated, in the middle of nowhere. Should a normal lizard find itself in such a situation it would die alone without children and worse, no one to bitch to. However a whip-tail lizard is capable of parthenogenesis and therefore can quickly establish a whole new colony, who as well as fulfilling the role of children, would all be female, and therefore sympathetic with the constant need to nag.
Parthenogenesis and the Supernatural
A little known fact about genetics is that it is not just what our DNA says that matters, but also where it comes from, rather like British politics. This is known as epigenetics, what this means is that some genes, which though obtainable from the mother, will only work if they come from the father, and vice versa. This means that children of parthenogenesis often have birth defects, or mutations. These mutations can result in both spectacular and tragic consequences, ranging from the development of super powers to infertility.
As we all know, Jesus was the result of a virgin birth. Until now scientists did not know how this was possible, but the discovery of parthenogenesis has not only revealed the way God impregnated Mary but also how he was able to give Jesus his superhuman powers. Through epigenetic mutation, Jesus has been granted what is widely considered the best party trick of all time, the ability to turn water into wine. Combined with his famed food replication talent and his legendary ability to heal lepers this ability has allowed Jesus to make himself one of the most influential pop icons of all time.
Though his parents claimed that Clark Kent was actually an alien baby that crashed into their garden, it can now be revealed that Superman was actually the product of Martha Kent's lesbian affair and subsequent parthenogenesis. The lack of a father in this case clearly had an equally severe, but less beneficial effect on Clark when compared to Jesus. Resulting in multiple supernatural powers, such as laser cannons for eyes and the ability to fly. However Clark also developed an unnatural love of wearing Lycra and spandex, much to the dismay of Jonathan and Martha Kent.
Though technically not in possession of a 'real' superpower Infertile Girl has, through the power of parthenogenesis, the ability to have sex whenever and wherever she desires without needing to use protection in order to avoid STDs.
Science and Parthenogenesis
In a bid to break US domination in the field of superhero production European scientists have been attempting to artificially induce parthenogenesis. Early progress was hindered by the total inability of the French and British to occupy the same space without attempting to re-enact the Battle of Agincourt. Luckily Belgian scientists were able to separate the two parties bringing peace and progress to the research. But again disaster struck, the British scientists realised that they were working alongside Germans, and thus were obliged to repeatedly chant the English national anthem, "Two World Wars, and one World Cup." Needless to say this was counterproductive, but again Brussels provided a solution to the British Problem. As with the European Union the British were taken to one side, gagged and left to their own devices.
The disruption firmly behind them, scientists set about trying to find out why the majority of superheros were born in America, what was so different about the United States that led to such increased numbers of parthenogenesis induced superpowers? What do they have that Europe doesn't?
As they pondered, the British scientists began to play their national sport, binge drinking. Their drunken, stumbling antics gave the Europeans a flash of insight. The difference was under-age drinking and teenage pregnancy after all the British were the primary culprits for such practices in Europe and had they not produced such heroes as David Beckham and Vicky Pollard.
To test this remarkable hypothesis, scientists took unfertilised eggs from a woman and injected them with pure ethanol. Initial observations were disappointing as the egg cells appeared to just be drifting around and bumping into each other. However after this initial lag, many of the eggs began to divide, as if they had been fertilised by Sperm rather than alcohol.
Scientists postulate that the initial lag was caused by the eggs telling each other how much they loved them, promising that they wouldn't let growing up and moving on change them, and swearing that they would keep in touch with each other after they left the petri dish.
Due to unfortunate but inevitable delays in the program, the results of the experiment cannot yet be fully fathomed. Scientists are confidently predicting that any superpowers will manifest themselves after the onset of puberty, within the next ten years, cities throughout Europe will be defended by new, unique, European heroes, such as Baguette Man, Sauerkraut Girl and the Mario Brothers. Dissenting scientists however have claimed that the project was doomed to failure from the start, as it is impossible for mammalian parthenogenesis to produce viable offspring, yet alone super powered offspring. However they have been widely denounced and ostracized from the wider scientific community, for 'being no fun'.
To resounding disappointment puberty has not led to the development of any superpowers, unless one counts excessive masturbation, a third eye or the ability to fly; which of course nobody does. Europe, it seems is doomed to rely solely on their legal systems, police force and armed forces to maintain order in their large fictional cities; rather than, far more effective, incredibly violent vigilantes.