Durban
| Durban | |
|---|---|
| Civic anthem: Umshiniwami | |
| State | South Africa |
| Official nickname | eThektiniwiniminimo |
| Official language(s) | English, Zulu, Afrikaans, Chatsworthian, Surf |
| Mayor | Obed Mlaba |
| Established | Who cares? |
| Currency | Drugs |
| Opening hours | 9am - 5pm |
| Dialing code | 0666 |
“It is a city of rapists...and the occasional surfer.”
“If ever I went to a city with a most disagreeable name inherited from jolly old England, it was this pathetic excuse for a loyal colony of His Majesty.”
“Why do we rob mlungu [white man]? Because we live in shack with 8 brothers and sisters, and the mlungu has a BMW! Why the fuck not?”
“Hey lannie you want to check my GTI with the seeeek rims and da Alpine sticker on da back?.”
Durban is a city in South Africa. It is one of the only South African cities founded by British rather than Afrikaners. The British did this because it was a great opportunity to fuck over both the Zulus and the Afrikaners.
The population of Durban fluctuates with the seasonal migration of whites, who arrive in the summer to escape "Crimeapalooza", a crime and looting festival in Johannesburg, and leave when the tour comes to Durban. As with wildebeest migrations, thousands usually die, but Nobody Cares. Durban has been called "the Miami of Africa" for its subtropical atmosphere and beach front hotels. It has also been called "the Beirut of Rhodesia" and "the Oslo of the Indonesia" and "the Murmansk of the Free State". No one knows why it is called these things.
History[edit | edit source]
The city was founded by Sir Ilike Blackbras in 1734. It inital population of 1 soon grew to just over 2 by 1745. By 1747 it had a thriving population of 6402. In 1748 the British Mayor of Durban signed the Labour Recruitment Act of 1748 in which 2500 Indians were forcefully brought out offered lucritive employment offers. After a bloody massacre bit of bargining they agreed to come over to Natal. These Indians were employed on Sugare Cane farms where they were told to cut the cane and mow the lawn. Soon afterwards they contracted thier jobs out to Zulus for half thier pay and spent the rest of thier days drinking cane and smoking grass.
Many have suggested renaming the city Turban due to its large Indian population.
After the British rule ended and the Union of South Africa was formed the Afrikaners took over the government, and began to oppress the British and native Africans. The first act of the new Natal was to change the capital from Durban to Pieterjanmaritzjannyjakobcorniliuskristoffelsburg, a small Afrikaner town consisting of 5 men: Pieter Jan, Maritz, Janny, Jakob, Cornilius and Kristoffel. The move was supposedly to create a more secure capital free from the depredations of Zulus, wildebeest, meerkats, and burrowing toads. The Afrikaners had a particular fear of burrowing toads. Some now consider the move a hilarious "fuck you" to the British, more contemptuous than the Boer War.
After white rule ended, the province was united with Kwa-Zulu, a homeland established by the Afrikaner government to dump all the black folk in, and became known as Kwa-Zulu Natal. This was meant to reflect the racial makeup of the province more equitably, but in fact was just meant to spite the Afrikaners, who—due to inbreeding—could barely pronounce the new name. But to be fair, they couldn't pronounce "dog" ("dowug") or "pork" ("po-ahk") either.
“Focking kafirs I'll learn dem a bloody lesson”
Famous People[edit | edit source]
Durban is home to Piet Vartisbergen, member of Afrikanervolksfrontgeidten, which is dedicated to taking whiteness back in Natal. In 2012 he will use a time-machine to travel back in time and give Robert E. Lee AK-47's to win the Civil War.