Kentuckistan Fundamentalist Chickens
“At KFC, Chickens brutally torture and murder people!”
The Kentuckistan Fundamentalist Chickens were a revolutionary chicken nationalist organization in the United States. The Kentuckistan Fundamentalist Chickens, or KFC supposedly formed in 1952 as a backlash to the Great Purge of 1931 and enjoyed brief political success until the organization fell apart due to the general lack of intelligence in chickens.
The KFC was formed in 1952 by a small group of frustrated and angry chickens on Eugene W. Caldwell's small farm outside of Mud Sink, Arkansas. The fact that the organization took the name Kentuckistan Fundamentalist Chickens instead of the Arkansas Fundamentalist Chickens was quite puzzling to Southerners until it was pointed out to them that chickens are not terribly smart and likely have no concept of State, territory or even land for that matter.
On the morning of September 12, 1952 the "Secret 69" (the original name of the organization), staged a coup inside their coop, managing to imprison Eugene inside a cage so small that he couldn't even turn around. The group gained notariety when "Taters" Huckabee stumbled upon the rowdy rabble while making his morning moonshine delivery to the Caldwell farm. He barely escaped with his life. "Taters" later recalled the incident as the most terrifying spectacle he ever set his eyes upon. In a 1974 interview, "Taters" said:
|“||Them thar chik'ns was gone plum out dey got dam minds! They 'ad ole Eugene by the head and was tryin' they dammdest to spin'em aroun' un break his neck, 'cept they was too damn short un ain't got no damn hands!||”|
"Taters" called the Hogswamp County Sheriff's Department who quickly converged on the scene supported by federal authorities. The Sheriff was able to wrestle Eugene away from the chickens and restore order at the farm. Eugene was promptly transported to Our Lady of Mud Sink General Hosptital where he died on the operating table when the surgeons mistakenly preformed a botched sex change operation instead of giving him the ice pack and aspirin that he sorely needed. No charges were filed against the "Secret 11" because as Sheriff Wittaker said, "You can't put handcuffs on goddam chickens!"
The "Secret 11" claimed a major victory for chickens everywhere and soon became darlings of the liberal media. The group decided that since they had been on the news, they could not rightfully call themselves "Secret" any longer and quickly changed the name of their group to the Kentuckyistan Fundamentalist Chickens in reference to their staunch religious belief in fundamental Flying Spaghetti Monsterism.
Two Point Plan
The KFC had a two part message that they demanded the world hear, but it was difficult for most humans to accept, as chickens can't count:
- Chickens came first. If you think about it, there had to be a chicken to lay the egg.
- No, wait. Eggs came first. I mean the chicken had to hatch out of the egg, right?
- Except what laid the egg?
- Forget it, a pigeon laid the egg.
- But then what laid the pigeons egg?
- Dammit, the pigeon just came into being because of the great god of Pigeonliness.
Heyday of the KFC
By 1954, the KFC had many members. Unfortunately, because chickens' tiny brains could not comprehend abstract ideas like numbers and counting, there are no official statistics available. In 1956, the KFC began a number of programs in the attempt to change the public image of chickens throughout the United States. Some programs were successful, such as Pork...The Other White Meat and the Beef...It's What's for Dinner campaigns but the KFC's success did not last long. The beginning of the end came in 1963 when the KFC unsuccessfully lobbied Congress to formally change the name of Chicken Pox to Human Pox. The KFC argued that Chicken Pox really has nothing to do with chickens and humans are the ones that get the disease, so WTF? The man in Congress that stands in the front with a hammer looked at the KFC representative for a second and said, "STFU," and slammed his hammer on the table. The defeat was crushing.
Decay and Disintegration
After the 1963 Chicken Pox fiasco, infighting began to tear the KFC apart. The final blow to the organization came when one of the original "Secret 11" was caught in a torrid love affair with the wife of Colonel Sanders. Sanders, who saved the chickens from the Great Purge, had previously been a friend of the KFC and close with many of the "Secret 11", was enraged when he walked in on his wife making sweet, sweet love with one of the very chickens he saved. Sanders friendship turned to disgust and hatred and was soon plotting his revenge.
After the incident, Sanders opened a string of fried poultry restaurants and called them Kentuckistan Fried Chickens, or KFC. This was literally the death blow to the Kentuckistan Fundamentalist Chickens as most, if not all of them, were captured by Sanders and served to the public as tasty, low cost meals. Soon, the acronym KFC became synonymous not with chicken rights or whatever the hell the Kentuckistan Fundamentalist Chickens stood for, but delicious fried chicken breasts and scrumptious honey BBQ wings.
Like I just said, KFC stands for food now. Jesus H. Christ, didn't you even read the last section?