Boeing

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The Boeing Company
Type Aircraft company
Founder(s) Bill Boeing
Headquarters Chicago, Illinois, U.S.
Industry Flying Carpets and defence
Products Commercial airliners
Military aircraft
Munitions
Space systems
Revenue 1,000,000,000,000 (US $)
Website www.boeing.com

The Boeing Aircraft Company (which is not spelled Boing - it's spelled Bøuing (British) or Båoing (American)) is a major flying carpet maker and defence corporation. Its international headquarters is in Chicago, Illinois, they moved there quite recently because employees in Chicago were robbing them less in broad daylight than in Washington State.

History[edit]

Ex Air New Zealand 737-300 being mated with Lufthansa 737-500 and southwest 737-700 to construct a 757-200.

In 1938, Boeing completed work on the Model 307 Stratoliner. This was the world’s first pressurized-cabin transport aircraft, and it was capable of cruising at an altitude of 20,000 feet. — above most weather disturbances, this allowed passenger to "hump without gettin a bump". During World War II, Boeing built a huge number of bombers.

In recent years, Boeing has come under attack from the European Airbus Conspiracy. It is alleged that this is because Airbus was able to give the word "coach class" a whole new meaning with its company name. A Boeing campaign called "Boing" which features airplanes landing during severe turbulence on unpaved runways produced poor results.

It is also believed that the planes Zeenu used to transport aliens to Mcdonalds was wet leased by Boeing. It is also believed that the Flying Carpet used by Alladin is a pre war Boeing B18654 model.

A bitter rivalry exists with the French Company Airbus, best known for crashing their prototype models at airshows. Airbus briefly produced their own magic carpets, but pulled production after one month and surrendered the assets to a German "Bratwurst-to-Electricity" energy concern.

About the name[edit]

Boeing was the last name of Billy Bob Barny Boing, the founder of the company. A common urban legend is that the name is derived from the sound a dildo makes when it suddenly appears on the scene during a German pornographic film.

Aircraft[edit]

Boeing currently produces several different aircraft including airplanes, aeroplanes, and planes. Most with some design flaws:

Boeing 737 in convertible format
  • Boeing 007 – wasn't a big success as a airplane
  • Boeing 666 - The first sub-terrestrial aeoroplane.
  • Boeing 707 – The 707 was the SECOND trans-atlantic jet to see service, narrowly beaten by England's De Disneyland Comet to the finish line. The low bypass turbofans fitted to this plane are so loud and powerful, that it completely disintegrated the test aircraft, and the engines carried on into space. The engines were caught in the gravity of the planet Saturn, and now its characteristic rings are actually the contrails of the 4 engines flying round the distant world.

The turbojets were the result of many years of painstaking research, with several possible methods of power being considered for the new plane. Some of these early ideas was:

  • A steam engine developed from the Flying Dutchman - this proved highly inefficient for obvious reasons.
  • Windows 95 BETA - After many software crashes, this idea was swiftly removed.

Probably the most successful of these early designs was the removal of wings, and the addition of "Bingo Wings". This idea was simply 8 shirtless obese males on either side of the aircraft with the premis being that the cellulite layers on the biceps area of the arm would produce so much lift, that engines were not needed. For emergency thrust, the people would simply eat food which would spin a small turbine, which would inevitably power a small jet at the back. After these unsuccessful exercises, the head of design finally realised that feeding his workers LSD was clearly not working, so he proposed 4 low bypass turbojets. It became the most successful transatlantic plane of its time, with some still in regular accidents today.

  • Boeing 717 - Some sources believe that the uncanny resemblance between this small regional airliner, and the McDonnell Douglas DC-9 and MD-80, and ACAC ARJ21 is merely chance. Or is it? Conspiracy theories abound.
A Boeing 737 seen parked at the gate after a regular landing.
  • Boeing 727 - Very similar to the 707 in cross section but smaller in size these aircraft were powered only by three hamsters, each turbocharged to produce 1/5 of a horsepower. Links between the noise on takeoff and tornado outbreaks has been researched by the NSSL, with results proving conclusive.
  • Boeing 737 - Nothing more than a 707 that has been fed too much cake, and only has two nuclear-fission-fed hamsters simulating generators on each wing. This jet seats between 100-190 people depending on the country and the size of its people. Hence American and European models have 100 seats installed while African and Asian models seat 190 and 150 respectively. First described by critics as 'a good guess' the design has increased and decreased in size over the various models as the designers try to hone in on the optimum length. Early models of the Boeing 737 had some unique design features, including the instant convertible top, and a component in the rudder hydraulic feedback mechanism which would cause the rudder to spontaneously move to full deflection and the plane to crash. Boeing has since rectified most of these controversial design features, and the 737 now has irritatingly consistent reliability, rivaled only by Japanese built Toyota Corollas.
Boeing 747 pictured with cabin crew
  • Boeing 747 - The worlds first double decker airliner. It is believed that Juan Trippe founder of Pan Am was expressing his desire to hump in the air and hence asked one of his airline's vice Presidents to come up with a suitable arrangement for such. The blithering idiot of a Vice President misquoted Mr. Trippe while asking Boeing to design Pan Am's next plane. And hence Boeing designed a plane with a hump. The 747's engines are using over 24 intergalactic proton powered Pigs that were overdosed on specially made steroids. More specifically, around quarter of a million horsepower, or around 1/30th of the power of the Saturn 5 first stage.
  • Boeing 757 or 7373737 Following the Frazier crane mantra: "If less is more, just think how much more more would be", Boeing decided to capitalize on the 737's success by taking a standard 737-300, putting it on a diet, stretching it out, and calling it the 757. An alternative theory suggests that it is actually 3 737's taped together. The plane is powered by two Tasmanian devils running on treadmills, enclosed in a engine housing on each wing.
  • Boeing 767 A design Inspired by the British common garden Slug, this is a 747 with the hump sawed off and a cockpit stolen from the 757. Hence its nickname in piloting circles as the slug. It is powered by two 1.4 litre inline 4 cylinder engines that are found in the Vauxhall Corsa.
  • Boeing 777 - The pinnacle of human engineering, there is nothing mankind has ever invented that can compare to the B777-300ER, and 200LR. Many people think that a cure for cancer or AIDS may trump the 'Triple 7', but sadly they are very mistaken and misguided. Powered by two GE90-115B turbofan engines, which can easily suck up any puny soviet junkjets in its way to the runway, these planes go go very fast, for a very long time.
  • Boeing 787 – This aircraft is made entirely of recycled materials which means that it is not as good as planes which are made out material intended for making planes. The 787 has such quiet engines that it is impossible to hear them from inside the aircraft. This silence has been proven to instill feelings of dread, paranoia and insanity within the crew and passengers, leading to many 787s disappearing of radar just a couple hours in the flight due to the pilots deciding the 'universe-is-a-hologram' stage of insanity and attempting to fly the plane through Earth's core.
  • Boeing 797 – This aircraft, which has yet to be designed, will revolutionize air travel by using a laser fusion engine to power it. It will fly in 2022 after three years of delays.
  • Boeing 769 - This aircraft is not yet on the market but will be put into service with Air France in 2015. The aircraft will have an entire business class configuration. Each seat will have a personal dildo which can (optionally) be used as the remote control for the on board entertainment screen. A similarly shaped spherical dildo can been seen in the Boeig logo). Air France will mainly feature French pornos and some German ones. The Boeing 769 will operate on the following routes: Paris CDG-Astana Kazakhstan and from Paris CDG-Murmansk Russia.
  • Boeing 7x7 = 49 - 400* - A aircraft currently at the pre-production phase, it will carry up to 324 & 1/2 passengers, and will be powered by the recently retrieved planet Jupiter. It's speed has been rumoured to be in 15,000 mp/h region and over 9,000 orders have been placed for it already, according to the last person who edited this article.
  • Boeing/McDonnell Douglas C-17 - A large flying moose, developed as a more fuel efficient replacement for Santa's reindeer, which was rejected saying that the moose ate only wild shrub, and that Santa would not be able to grow the sufficient at the North Pole.
  • Boeing 800 - This aircraft has yet to be built. Its design calls for a moose stable, a penguin skating ring, a hockey arena and a twin elephant fart-capture device. Which is why the Canadians are pre-ordering 700 of them. However the Chinese are now in the game stating that if Boeing instead design it with a pig sty, a large rice farm and if it can fly on toothpaste then they will order 1.8 billion of them. Boeing is now strategising which order it should accept.
  • Boeing 808* - The Boeing 808, 'new jet on the block', is a 8,250 aircraft capable of speeds of up to 12,600 mph. It's also environmentally friendly, being powered by 48 after-burning turbojets.

Conspiracies[edit]

  • Airbus A321 Conspiracy: Boeing's 757 which was apparently removed from their product listings was not removed due to lack of customer interest, but because they lost the original aircraft which they were photocopying to sell to airlines. The day after the incident, Airbus released a new aircraft called the A321. According to sources, the French government ordered the kidnapping of the 757, beheaded it, and taped the head of an A320, then gave it to Airbus for them to photocopy.
  • The Missing Malaysia Airlines 777: Conspiracy theorists are still puzzled by the loss of the Malaysian 777. It was not until the world renowned conspiracy theorist, the Federal Aviation Administration, came to the conclusion that the plane was not a Boeing 777 but an Airbus A330. However, some theorists are still not convinced. The believe that the conspiracy the FAA presented was a conspiracy to put blame on the French consortium and boost the sales of the Boeing 777. This was also the conclusion of other theorists on the loss of Air France 447. They believed that the plane was not an A330 but was actually a 777.

[edit]

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Boeing.


See also[edit]