Al Qaeda Chicken
“Damn bitch this shitz good, when do I get to taste the famous Osama sausage ?.”
Al Qaeda Chicken (AQC) is a business enterprise owned and run by Osama bin Laden to rival what he referred to as "Dirty American chicken-in-a-bucket" (also known as Kentuckistan Fried Chicken or KFC). They are very similar to "Dirty American chicken-in-a-bucket", in the sense that their food is also served in buckets imbued with anthrax. They are best known for "Uranium Fried Chicken Heads" and "Gas-Grilled French Fries".
A lot of controversy has been created due to the fact that Al Qaeda Chicken uses the profits of their enterprise to fund Global Terrorism, although this cannot be proven due to the fact that nobody gives a shit.
Many question the safety of Al Qaeda Chicken's produce, as it's food is cooked using Depleted Uranium and other Nuclear substances. A lot of people find the growth of a new arm or foot to be both disturbing and uncomfortable, although I can't say I found it to be a problem at all.
AQC was founded by Osama Bin Laden, who was generally pissed off by being exiled from Saudi Arabia. He stated that he was sick of "...this chicken the filthy americans eat from paper buckets". Osama's dream was to create the world's largest chain of fast food restaurants serving food cooked in his favourite way. The very first restaurant was opened in a cave just outside of Baghdad. Their first customer, an American soldier, had this to say:
"I eat KFC back home but if this stuff was in America, it would easily be the very best food you can buy. It's cheap and is cooked both naturally and cleanly. Not like KFC which is dumped in a pot of week-old oil...which probably isn't oil at all. But, best of all, is the new head that I grew soon after eating the chicken. I used to be almost useless as a soldier but now i'm valued for my ability to look in two directions at a time!"
More recently, however, AQC restaurants have started to appear in America. Mostly in places where nobody really sees them (like Wisconsin, Alabama, Mississippi and across the street from the White House). While Osama's great idea of staying hidden affects some of his profit, he doesn't really care because he receives grants from the American government on an almost daily basis.
Cypress Hill is a major hot spot for AQC restaurants. It is said that there is 200 million AQC restaurants on The Hill. Cypress Hill is a major money maker for AQC. The money from Cypress Hill is used to make bongs and bombs, as AQC representatives give half of their money to Cypress Hill.
ACQ is renown for its superb and unique way of cooking chicken:
Firstly, the chicken is thoroughly inspected at the farm: Any AQC chicken is good chicken if it has over 4 legs, at most 8 claws, at least 12 feathers, and no less then 3 buttocks.
Next, the chicken is chucked into a microwave on full heat along with gunpowder, a pinch of anthrax, 5 ounces of C4, Decayed uranium and half a tea-spoon of 'secret powder' (for that special flavor!).
Once glowing green, the chicken is exposed to high amounts of gamma rays. This traps all bodily fluids in the chicken, making it juicy. It also gives the chicken skin that crunchy, radiation burning, feel.
The chicken is then plucked clean of feathers, skinned, covered in human feces, diced, and breaded in all natural, whole wheat, stale bread dating back many moons ago. The chicken is also, at times of food shortage, coated in animal refuse and top quality fertilizer (since 1528).
According to AQC Chairman: Abu Ayyub al-Masri, more commonly know as the head of Al Qaeda in Iraq, or the janitor at the Baghdad branch of AQC, this 'special' coating, although rarely used, and has been confirmed by the FDA as safe an ideal method of growing cucumbers and other fruits and vegetables in the large intestine.
Once breaded and dried under a UV light for approximately 27 hours, the chicken is illegally shipped to the many AQC outlets, where the chicken pieces are heavily sedated and then fried in nuclear waste products.
The sedation, according to the AQC head of health and safety, is for the chefs own safety. Once the chicken is 'cooked', it it seasoned with a spice of your choice: napalm, gunpowder, anthrax, pepper spray, and many more!
- AQC cooks all of their award-winning chicken by using the combined heat output of anthrax and nuclear isotopes.
- AQC has gone through many catch phrase changes in its history, ranging from: "It's finger growing good!" to "The Jihad-ee's No.1 Choice of Food!" and "Eat Here: Its the 11th Commandment!".
- Al Qaeda Chickens, due to the method of slaughter, are 100% Halaal.
- Despite only having a few restaurants, and being only in Iraq, Uzbekistan, Afganistan and Bahrain (because everything cheap is there and no one cares about Bahrain) AQC has been voted one of the best fast food restaurants in America and the Middle East.
- AQC went through many names before being called Al Qaeda Chicken: 'Dead Chicken on a Plate', 'Osama's Chicken Bunker', 'Nuclear enriched Chicken Parts' and 'This is what Iraq did with its Weapons of Mass Destruction'
- All Hokkiens love eating this chicken. That's the only way they survive!
- AQC released a game in 2007 that was released in their childrens special.
A local advertisement (In Broken English) for Al Qaeda Chicken restaurants found on the walls outside of The White House:
AL QAEDA CHICKEN Be Welcome You!!! Welcome to some Al Qaeda Chicken! Our restaurant is proud to give present of you with deliciously dangerous food meals for your pleasure of eating! All our most chickens are killed clean way by wonderful science of Nuclear Fall-out! None dirty knives be found in restaurant of this one! We fire chicken in oven very filled of depleted uranium! SOUNDS LIKE VERY TASTY!!! Enjoy your "Bomb-Threat Breast" with box quite superb of the "Seek-and-Destroy Fries", why not? Fries of ours made with slicing an potato to fine and perfect french fry, then frying all of sweet bajeezus out of it in gases of pipe of exhaust! We at a time this now coat fries in powder of gun and give them to person, for much wonderful dish on side! The end of good comes there, it doesn't! No Sir! We give also "Glowka-Cola" and "Heaven-Up"!, Two the number drinks we have made ourselves by mixing common not-hard drinks with sludge of toxic still from site where can be found bombs nuclear! Want you a thing extra special? You like perhaps of our Flamin' dishes? These dishes very much covered in ethanol! But get too close you should not, because there is much TNT packed by us inside great amount! This meal packs for camp an punch!! So Al Qaeda Chicken restaurant the place you need move and go to for eating! In Al Qaeda Chicken, chicken eat YOU!! NOTE: Al Qaeda Chicken is not responsible for any mutation(s) and/or genetic/mental/ aesthetic retardation caused by consumption of fine delicacies. Shoukhran.
Al Qaeda Chicken has been awarded the following during its short existence:-
- "Highest Achieving Enterprise" from TerroristYellowPages.com
- "Healthiest Choice Award" from The Uzbekistan Ministry of Foods
- "Editors Pick" from Death-Defying Diets Magazine
- "Favorite For The Family" from a US Magazine, Family Life.
Over the decades Osama bin Laden has owned numerous of businesses. Many have come and most have gone. They consist of:
- Papa Osama's Pizza Bunker
- Taliban Lamb Teriyaki Cave - (not 100% owned, a 50:50 joint venture with Terry, with the potential of offering diners stunning views from the cave)
- Burqa King
- Jihadic Republic
- and The CIA