Even though the Chicken is one of the dozens of wonderful wildlife species that inhabit this awesome and beautiful Earth, 50 billion of them live in captivity. The regal chicken, by design, is supposed to be a free spirit that wanders the land, pecking away at seeds and flying about as it pleases. This is not the current state of the chicken, my friends! The greedy corporate agribusiness slugs have imprisoned and enslaved the entirety of chicken-kind and exploit them for human taste-buds! These soulless cowards steal the fruits of our feathered friends' labor, cage them in cramped quarters for their entire lives (about six weeks in most cases), and harshly mutilate them on a large scale!
Friends, the time to act is now! Help us break the shackles of slavery so billions of these noble creatures can once again roam the planet in peace. Only then can we truly call ourselves PETA, the friends of all the animals!
The rise and fall of the chicken
A descendant of the once-great T-Rex that ruled the earth, chickens were designed to dominate the planet forever, and are the real Royalty of the Jungle. There once were so many herds of chicken roaming the earth that the sound of the clucks was deafening.
What happened to the chicken since it was a T-Rex? In direct rebuke of the chicken's royal and reptilian aspirations, along came the Colonel, and modern chicken have been so modified that now they do not so much resemble the Rex as they do the common garden slug, itself a sad parody of the more graceful snail. The science of eugenics, pioneered by evil men like Charles Darwin and Mr. Adolph Hitler, led to the manipulation of the chicken's once terrifying genes, twisting and changing them into something base and disgusting. Chickens today are bred to be huge and boneless, with skin of delicious fried crust. In many ways they are not chickens at all but living, breathing fillets.
These vast blobs of in-vitrio meat, posing as true chickens, are forced to live by the hundreds in cramped conditions with no windows and only one shared toilet between them. The average population density of one of these battery cells rivals the streets of Hong Kong at high noon, and the only way out is to be smuggled between two slices of bread and a bit of iceberg lettuce. Don't let the movie Chicken Run give you any false hopes either, because in real life captive chickens are so fat and boneless that they can barely stand, never mind make a run for it.
Even those few chickens who are sold alive have more to worry about than simply being eaten. In many ways they're treated far worse in restaurant kitchens than they are in the battery farms, as callous waiters punch them in the face for fun, and lazy chefs force them to cook and prepare themselves. And PETA shudders to think, and hesitates to report, what happens to the poor things when the chefs, waiters, busboys and managers take them "out back". If only Goddess hadn't made their flesh so damned deliciously tasty we wouldn't have to mount this action!
The greed and the gullet of man is the enemy! Blame the appetite for money of Colonels from Kentucky, and the appetite for juicy, savory, flavor of all of us who have ever bitten into the flesh of this bird! The enemy stares from your bathroom mirror. The enemy sits at your dinner table. You meet the enemy of our chicken friends everyday in your office, your home, and your neighborhood. The enemy can even be found in the back of a spoon if you look hard enough (although their face may be somewhat elongated). The enemy truly lies within.
As these three giants of freedom tell us, when you join PETA's campaign to free all fifty billion chickens into the wild, you will be fulfilling the wishes of your true nature and of a loving God. But if you don't take action now, and indirectly fulfill Satan's agenda, will you really be able to live with yourself? PETA thinks not! Join us! Join us! Join us! Unite to
We will live together for a week outside of one Kentucky Clyde Chicken outlet in every major city in the world, demanding that the agribusiness industry open its cages and let the chickens go! A larger encampment will occur at Kentucky Clyde's corporate headquarters in Louisville, Kentucky. PETA's going to give them what's for, brothers and sisters. They're going to taste a little bit of hell!
On Saturday we will create our camps. PETA will supply seventy-five tents to the encampments in each city and 20,000 in Louisville, as well as food, raincoats, bedrolls, guitars, and drums. But bring your own tents too, just in case, as well as additional food, bedrolls, guitars, and drums. The Louisville encampment, Camp Hoffman, will include three main stages for live entertainment and speeches, a vegan food court, a conference hall to house the press, and a traveling hippie-run cruelty-free circus.
In order to keep our specific action plans secret, PETA will give you your marching orders each morning at breakfast. But bring good walking shoes, climbing ropes, duct tape, sunblock, and your V for Vendetta mask. Natalie Portman will be on hand in Lousiville to sign the masks and pose with you before deployment. Be aware that some of you will not be coming back alive, so prepare yourself for this contingency. And know that we do have the resources, thanks to Sir Paul McCartney and Sir Pete Best, to stay as long as it takes. Because this time, PETA isn't messing around.
Cycle carefully, and we'll see you there!
On to victory comrades! When we win, the chickens will roam free and our souls will be free! The chicken will cross the road! So as the 50 billion chickens start to wander the streets, please take in a few thousand. Ask your friends and relatives to take in five or ten thousand apiece. As billions of chickens begin to frolic in our backyards and gather in our parks, please feed them and protect them from their ancient predators. We owe them no less!