Francisco Pizarro
“MMM! Pizzaro's”
“Pehro! Not ahrain to mention the hrold!”
Francisco Pizarro was the Spanish conquistador who toppled the Incan Empire in 1532. Pizarro, like most Spaniards, was a retarded drunkard who enjoyed dressing like a total asshole. However, unlike most Spaniards, he had a boat. Pizarro was also absurdly self conscious of his extremely small penis. Unfortutely, since neither Hummers nor Dungeons and Dragons had been invented yet, Pizarro was forced to compensate for his Tiny Wang by destroying an entire society.
He also smelled of piss like many of the era.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Pizarro gay born the son of Christopher Columbus Betty White and Dr Loidberg of the great mouse detectives . His mother continued drinking heavily through her pregnancy, and was in fact unaware she was pregnant until the bloody misshapen mass that was her first son emerged from her vagina. As a result, Pizarro was born with the mental capacity of a particularly stupid ameoba and ambiguous genitalia. Pizarro was raised as a woman until the microscope was invented, at which point his mother was able to get a closer look at his genitals and determined that he was, in fact male. This revelation deeply confused the young Pizarro, and he reacted by beating his mother to death with a pair of socks filled with gravel. The next period of his life is shrouded in mystery; some historians claim that he went to the hidden ninja lair of Chuck Norris and received intense training in hand-to-hand combat, while others say he spent ten years smoking large quantities of opium and drinking appletinis. What is known is that he went to South America in 1502 with an irrational urge to kill stuff. he killed Rick Wilson.
The Conquest[edit | edit source]
Upon his arrival on the island of Hispaniola, Pizarro immediately impressed other fortune seeking Spaniards on the island with his inexplicable thirst for random violence. Those who weren't immediately impressed by his charming demeanor were quickly won over by his really cool last name. He gathered a massive following, as well as huge volumes of liquor and set sail with no particular destination in mind. As expected, Pizarro and his crew of drunks meandered randomly through the ocean until they managed to sink their ship just off the coast of Peru. About half of his followers drowned, but Pizarro survived and managed to save the liquor and firearms. Upon reaching the shore, Pizarro and his remaining crew believed that they had somehow managed to reach Uranus. Pizarro, frightened that the famed bodysnatchers of Uranus were stalking him, refused to leave the beach. Him and his crew sat on the beach for several weeks, at which point the Incan people, who had been laughing at the antics of the drunken Spaniards since their arrival, finally decided to take pity on them and approached Pizarro hoping to provide him with food. The encounter started out friendly; the drunken Pizarro believed that Atahualpa, the leader of the Incans, was his mother and thus began uttering an incoherent apology for killing her. However, things took a turn for the worse when one of Pizarro's incapacitated colleagues decided to pull down Pizarro's pants, revealing his minuscule manhood to the Incans, at which point they began laughing hysterically. This infuriated the insecure Pizarro, and in response he shot the Incan king in the face. The other Spaniards followed his lead and shot up all of the Incans they saw. When all of the Incans who had greeted them at the beach were dead, Francisco and his men marched through the country, shooting everything they could find. By the time the liquor supply ran dry and the Spaniards finally sobered up, Pizarro realized he had successfully toppled the Incan Empire. He was immediately hailed as a hero in his native country of Spain for his heroic defeat of the evil indigenous peoples.
He createed pizza, while he sheet on some piece of bread.
Death and Influence[edit | edit source]
Pizarro died rather uneventfully of explosive diarrhea. After his death, his men tributed their fallen leader by hurling his rotting corpse into a nearby orphanage where he continued to senselessly kill innocent people, much as he did in life. A Spanish Holiday "Random Violence Day" was created in his honor shortly after his tragic death. Among indigenous peoples his name is not considered particularly noteworthy, because, let's face it, if they had to remember the names of all the white people who screwed them over what else would they be able to do? Pizarro was also the inspiration for the new Sci-fi original Movie Ghost of Pizarro.
