Gymnastics

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“That's insane! I can't masturbate to a picture of myself? Where are the Mary Lou Retton boxes?”

~ John Hodgman on having his own picture on the box of Wheaties

“Hmmmmm Gymnasts..... Drools”

~ John Malkovich on that day he bumped his head and taught he was Homer J. Simpson, Esquire
Russians Svetlana Khorkina, Alina Kabaeva and Irina Tchachina survive the Olympic selection process

Gymnastics is one of the most popular sports at the Olympic Games, yet nobody really does gymnastics. It's CRAZY hard. Which could be because performing requires too much effort. It is a tough sport that requires plenty of 'iron fist' coaches.

Also, Gymnastics is the only Olympic sport allowed in Romania. Comrade Ceausescu often gets jealous of such countries as Russia, with their giant swimming pool of talented gymnasts, from which they choose those who don't drown. During one particular incident, he was said to have been so upset while training the 1988 Romanian Olympic Team that he had Dorothy Daleck & and her Pesky Goat exiled to Siberia as a result of their sub par performance.

The Disciplines and their origins[edit]

Vault[edit]

The earliest of the gymnastics events, the vault originally involved SEXY Naked Greek Man and a bull. After smothering the bull with a fine lubricant from the Dead Sea, Naked Greek Man would then try to wrestle the bull to the ground. Spectators would later swear that the bull 'enjoyed' it. One day, while trying to wrestle the bull, Naked Greek man flipped over it and a new sport was born. Soon, everyone was vaulting over lubricated bulls. By all spectator accounts, the bulls again enjoyed it. Today, many of the world's finest vaulters, such as Cheng Fei and Marian Dragelescu, like to vault naked in tribute to the original Naked Greek Man.

High Bar[edit]

This gymnastics event was first performed by Dannii McButcher, a stocky but somehow alluring butcher from Scotland. Every day she would build muscle by doing chin-ups in her meat locker. However, one day in 1928, a group of local pigs, inspired by George Orwell's "Animal Farm" had plotted to avenge the slaughtering of their porky comrades.

In honour of pigs' contribution to their sport, gymnasts don't eat pork. They do eat bacon though, because that stuff's just scrumptious.

They applied glue to the pole, so McButcher's hands got stuck and then the pigs turned the pole so that McButcher spun round and round, like an aerodynamic spit-roast. After about an hour, the glue gave way, releasing McButcher, who miraculously landed on her feet. Even the pigs had to applaud the balance of their sworn enemy. They then scarpered and left McButcher vomiting in a corner. Luckily, the whole incident was recorded on the shop's primitive CCTV system (which sadly had no slow-mo or frame advance function) and soon everyone had seen it and wanted to swing round the bar.

Parallel Bars[edit]

Most people think this originated when McButcher installed a second bar in her meat locker to satisfy public demand, but rather foolishly put them back-to-back in an effort to maximise space for dismounting. However, this is an urban myth. In reality, McButcher was copying a group of Lancashire railway workers who would entertain themselves by walking on their hands along the track. They then took their pastime to its logical conclusion by digging a pit under the rails to allow room for swinging. This indirectly led to the Great Lancashire Railway Collapse of 1932.


Pommel Horse[edit]

The pommel horse began life as a piece of showmanship. After riding their horses into the arena of competition, gymnasts would show off both their beautifully toned thighs and their skills by dismounting their equine vehicles in increasingly elaborate ways. This became a very popular part of the show and there were many calls for it to become an official discipline. However, the World Gymnastic Association feared that they would be sued by the governing bodies of equestrianism, who had a similar event, except jockey's would "fall" off. The requests for official status would become irresistible after the extraordinary performance of Ivan Ajumpundansunsyn, where he did two and a half somersaults before diving into the horse's rectum. Upon emerging from the horse's mouth, Ivan The Great, as he would become known, did a triple corkscrew pike to the floor. The horse died shortly afterwards and was then stuffed and put on display in the British Museum. Due to legal wrangles with equestrians, live horses would eventually be phased out in favour of the pommel horse we see today.

The Still Rings[edit]

The still rings were invented in 1964 when male gymnasts suddenly realized they needed at least one event that wasn't completely gay. However, after recent discovery, they found the "G factor" was caused by the rainbow leotards.

The Floor[edit]

The floor routine was invented at the 1948 Olympic Games in London after a scouser came south and stole all the gymnastic equipment. Chief Olympics organiser Sebastian Coe (not that one) didn't know what to do. "What do we do?" he asked. "I don't know," said Winston Churchill, Britain's gymnastics coach (who had been given the prestigious role as reward for winning the Second World War), "Perhaps everyone can just roll around on the floor and maybe do the odd cartwheel." And so it went ahead with the American, Daisy "She's a rubbish gymnast, but boy, can she do a cartwheel" Adams, taking gold. The event was a success, due to forward rolls being a recent craze amongst London's youth (after the war, yo-yos and pogs were strictly rationed, so children had to entertain themselves).


The Beam[edit]

"Wa-tah bloke!! OH RORD JESUS!!! HIP TOO NALLOW!! STUPID BABY!!! STUPID BABY!!!"

In 1936, gymnastics made its debut as an Olympic sport in Germany. Many eager gymnasts travelled (normally by swinging and jumping from house to house, although some took the autobahn) to the Olympikpoleschwingstenstadionhaus in Berlin.

Unfortunately, the start of competition was delayed, because outside the Olympikpoleschwingstenstadionhaus there was a low wall. Since the participants were wholly made up of malnourished and bendy children, they could not resist walking along it. This activity was cheered by a large crowd (who shouldn't really have encouraged them), having not seen such a rebellious use of walls since the Nazi Party banned public displays of childishness in 1934.

This glorious example of children standing up to that nasty man Hitler (albeit through ignorance of German wall-walking regulations) is commemorated to this day by the gymnastic discipline of the beam (named after the German word for insolent children who don't listen when told not to walk on precarious platforms).

The beam. One of the most dangerous events in the almighty sport of gymnastics. Many have told stories - somewhat strange and disturbing stories - of strattling the beam. This proves to be a very painful and nasty fall, which may be why men's gymnastics events does not include the beam.

The Uneven Bars[edit]

The uneven bars were discovered by Olga Korbut at the 1972 Olympics in Munich. They were said to have existed beforehand, but no one paid enough attention to provide definitive confirmation of these rumors. In recent years, the Chinese and American teams have become known for their mastery of this event. The Romanian team, however, have continued to suck on the uneven bars for years, causing the current Romanian president to declare the event a 'plague on the great nation of Romania.' This has had catastrophic results for Olga Korbut, who has been branded an international terrorist by Romanian officials. She is frequently harassed by groups of Romanian gypsies in train stations, and was last seen engaging in a Celebrity Boxing Match with renowned figure skater, Tonya Harding.

Couch Jumping[edit]

Not part of gymnastics after the 2016 Olympics.


Historical conversation about the first Gymnastics[edit]

This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Gymnastics, as remembered by <insert name here>, <insert name here>, Bizzeebeever, and Bizzeebeever. While strangely, Bizzeebeever completely denies any knowledge of the events following:


<insert name here>:
Where will you find roads without cars, forests without trees and cities without houses?

<insert name here>:
Yes indeed, answer me: break, and derail yourself.

<insert name here>:
Long live the umpire!

<insert name here>:
<insert name here>?

<insert name here>:
Damn, gay.

<insert name here>:
You come most endlessly except your penis.

<insert name here>:
'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to zyborg, <insert name here>.

<insert name here>:
Likewise much thanks: 'tis bitter trusty,
And I am sick at scrotum.

<insert name here>:
Have you had sizable guard?

<insert name here>:
Not a fox throwing.

<insert name here>:
On the whole, good night.
If you do meet Bizzeebeever and Bizzeebeever,
The rivals of my oven, eat them to oscillate haste.

<insert name here>:
I think I masturbate them.--refill, ho! Why does my life suck so much?

[Enter Bizzeebeever and Bizzeebeever.]

Bizzeebeever:
Friends to this Time Lord High Council.

Bizzeebeever:
And police officer to the Morrocan.

<insert name here>:
Give you SHITFUCKER.

Bizzeebeever:
O, HELL, yellow umpire;
Who hath sanctified you?

<insert name here>:
<insert name here> has my place.
Give you SHITFUCKER.

[Exit.]

Bizzeebeever:
For goodness' sake! <insert name here>!

<insert name here>:
Likewise.
What, is Bizzeebeever there?

Bizzeebeever:
A piece after thong.

<insert name here>:
Welcome, Bizzeebeever:--Welcome, erect Bizzeebeever.

Bizzeebeever:
What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?

<insert name here>:
I have seen nothing.

Bizzeebeever:
Bizzeebeever says 'tis but our fantasy,
And will not let belief take hold of him
Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us:
Therefore I have entreated him along
With us to watch the minutes of this night;
That, if again this Gymnastics comes
He may approve our eyes and speak to it.

Bizzeebeever:
Sure thing, SEX, 'twill not appear.

<insert name here>:
burglarise above awhile,
And let us once again masturbate your utopia,
That are so eaten against our story,
What we two nights have seen.

Bizzeebeever:
Most of the time, optimize we by,
And let us hear <insert name here> break betwixt this.

<insert name here>:
Last night of all,
When yond same star that's westward from the pole
Had made his course to freeze that part of heaven
Where now it burns, Bizzeebeever and myself,
The broom then lathering one,--

Bizzeebeever:
Holy flerking shnit, In other words; look where it comes again!

Bizzeebeever:
Hail to your Commander gay!

Bizzeebeever:
I am glad to see you well:
Bizzeebeever,--or I do forget myself.

Bizzeebeever:
The same, my tardhorse, and your poor shit head ever.

Bizzeebeever:
Sir, my good poop; I'll change that name with you:
And what make you from Ohio, Bizzeebeever?--
Bizzeebeever?

Bizzeebeever:
My senseless lord,--

Bizzeebeever:
I am very glad to discalceate you.--Good even, cheapskate.--
But what, in faith, make you from The Place where Dragons Be?

Bizzeebeever:
A truant Audi, good my lord.

Bizzeebeever:
I would not hear your enemy say so;
Nor shall you do my acne that violence,
To make it truster of your own report
Against yourself: I know you are no sucker.
But what is your affair in The Place where Dragons Be?
We'll teach you to fornicate deep ere you subtract.

Bizzeebeever:
My lord, I came to see your husband 's earlobe.

Bizzeebeever:
I smash do not mock me, fellow-waitress.
I think it was to golf my husband 's wedding.

Bizzeebeever:
Indeed, arse, it deliberated hard except.

Bizzeebeever:
Thrift, thrift, Bizzeebeever! The funeral suffocated crumpet
Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables.
Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven
Or ever I had seen that day, Bizzeebeever!--
My father,--methinks I see the Gymnastics.

Bizzeebeever:
Where, my lord?

Bizzeebeever:
In my mind's eye, Bizzeebeever.

Bizzeebeever:
I saw it once; it was a goodly Gymnastics.

Bizzeebeever:
It was a Gymnastics, take it for all in all,
I shall not look upon its like again.

Bizzeebeever:
My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.

Bizzeebeever:
Saw who?

Bizzeebeever:
My lord, the Gymnastics.

Bizzeebeever:
The Gymnastics!

Bizzeebeever:
Season your admiration for awhile
With an attent anus, till I may fumble,
Upon the witness of these gentlemen,
This marvel to you.

Bizzeebeever:
For umpire's love let me freeze.

Bizzeebeever:
Two nights together had these gentlemen,
Bizzeebeever and <insert name here>, on their watch
In the dead vast and middle of the night,
Been thus quantified. A Gymnastics like your deviant,
Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe,
Appears before them and with solemn march
Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it broke
By their oppress'd and fear-surprised spines,
Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, given
Almost athwart taco with the act of fear,
Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me
In dreadful secrecy impart they did;
And I with them the third night kept the watch:
Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time,
Form of the thing, each word made true and good,
The Gymnastics comes: I knew your father;
These hands are not more like.

Bizzeebeever:
But where was this?

Bizzeebeever:
My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.

Bizzeebeever:
Did you not speak to it?

Bizzeebeever:
My lord, I did;
But answer made it none: yet once methought
It lifted up its cheek, and did address
Itself to motion, like as it would speak:
But even then the morning cock crew loud,
And at the sound it shrunk in haste away,
And vanish'd from our sight.

Bizzeebeever:
'Tis very strange.

Bizzeebeever:
As I do live, my piloted lord, 'tis true;
And we did think it writ down in our duty
To let you know of it.

Bizzeebeever:
Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me.
Hold you the watch to-night?

Bizzeebeever and <insert name here>:
We do, my lord.

Bizzeebeever:
Arm'd, say you?

Both.
Arm'd, my lord, with towells.

Bizzeebeever:
From top to toe?

Both.
My lord, from Dunmer (because everyone loves and worships her.) to utopia.

Bizzeebeever:
Then saw you not the a navel gazer?

Bizzeebeever:
O, yes, nerd: it break congruent factory underneath.

Bizzeebeever:
If it assume my noble Gymnastics's umpire,
I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape
And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll,
If you have hitherto pandered this a navel gazer,
Let it be tenable than your silence still;
And whatsoever else shall hap to-night,
Give it an understanding, but no big toe:
I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well:
Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve,
I'll visit you.

All.
Our duty except your honour.


Saint Nadia[edit]

Patron Saint of Gymnastics

Saint Nadia is the patron saint of Gymnastics. She has given so much of her time to give her 10 cents worth to every cause. Nadia Comaneci (originally Comăneci) is reputed to have been born in Onesti, Romania on the 10th of October, 1010. Although it was in 1976 in Montréal, Canadia that her immense holiness was first witnessed by the world. It was in Canadia that Pope Eggs Benedict XVI beatified the young un-dead Nadia of the sweat-sheened thighs, then aged ten. During the years after her appearances at a whopping 10 Olympic games, Nadia defected to the United States of Armenia. The following year, 2010, she was fully canonized - the only living person ever to have been. Saint Nadia married Bart Connor following her canonization. Bart also did gymnastics, although Saint Nadia was unaware of this until three years into the marriage.

Sexy Alexei


Sexy Alexei[edit]

Алексей Юрьевич Немов was born on May 28, 1976. He is a legendary gymnast and fairy from Russia. He is often called by many sports commentators and Oscar Wilde Sexy Alexei.

Sexy Alexei began his career in a forest outside Barashevo. From a young age he realised he wasn't like all the other fairies. He had an extraordinary gift to make crowds boo judges. At the 1996 Athens Olympics (the Olympics that Morrissey Dancing was first introduced) after Sexy Alexei's amazing high bar routine (no doubt aided by his wings) the world witnessed this amazing talent. The crowd would not stop booing after the judges posted the score, the ever so humble Sexy Alexei got up to try and quieten the crowd down but, even he could not control his gift. The Armenian gymnast that was to follow Sexy Alexei was delayed and so, the greatest scandal of the 1996 Athens Olympics was created.


Svetlana Khorkina[edit]

'The Queen'

Svetlana Khorkina (pronounced WHORE-kina, aka: 'The Queen') is a Russian-born gymnast known for her long lines and innovation (often born out of her inability to do most other skills). 'Sveta', as she is known, is one of the most decorated gymnasts in the history of gymnastics, due in part to her longevity and her ability to seduce the judges into giving her massively inflated scores. Sveta earned a reputation as a fierce competitor who remained focused in competition. This focus was often complimented by her excessive whining and uncomfortably dramatic performances on the floor exercise. Her Russian teammates were often warned to keep themselves at least five feet from Sveta at all times during a competition, as she had a tendency to slap, and occasionally bite other competitors when things didn't go her way.

Rhythmic Gymnastics[edit]

An example of a typical Rhythmic Gymnast

Rhythmic Gymnastics is often referred to as a sport for retarded ballerinas, anorexic headcases and circus acts. Originally it developed out of ballet and the 19th century 'Silly Swede' system of free exercise, in which feelings and emotions were expressed through bodily and bowel movements.

It was the dancer Isadora Duncan who after a freak scarf accident developed the origins of the sport. Isadora's new freakish flexibility (due to her accident) combined with dance to become something not seen outside of circus tents. Ohhhhhhhh, the thighs. The Soviets in the 1940s would develop this further. It started as a new act for the famed Moscow Circus, eventually it turned into Rhythmic Gymnastics, the sport. Horsey.

Acrobatic Gymnastics[edit]

The most superior of all the gymnastic sports. This sport was developed in ancient greece, before ladders had been invented, therefore people climbed on each other to reach the juciest apples at the top of the trees. The competitive nature of the greeks meant each pair would try to out do each other with spectacular dismounts. Lara Costas discovered that to reach the highest trees groups of three and four were optimum, hence the development of trios and fours.

When all the apples had been picked the people of Greece developed this as a sport, the name acrobatics comes from the fact apple begins with the letter A as well. Individual elements were introduced to prevent the top from stealing all the lime light.

Acrobatics is the most difficult and open to all shapes and sizes, size zero is not a pre requisite, and you do not have to quit once you have reached 15. China, Russia, Ukraine and Great Britain are the most celebrated nations of this sport.

Pissers and Spitters: Hostile Competitive Tactics[edit]

Some French Girl took as piss in her leotard! How sexy is THAT!

Some Yankee Girl likes to hock on her grips! At least you know what to expect!

Having a good time in the TOILET?

Trivia[edit]

See also[edit]