Grand Moth Tarkin

Moth Tarkin poses with the Death Bulb

“A lamp. Heck, a big lamp. In space even.”

– Grand Moth Tarkin on what the Umpire needs

“Fuck that guy.”

– Darth Vader on Grand Moff Tarkin

“MMmmmmmMMMmmmMMMMMMMM- *BZZZT*”

– Grand Moth Tarkin on his own death

Genaius Wilhuffer Tarquinus MCXXIV, (born 69 BBY), better known by his rank and stage name as Grand Moth Tarkin, was a high ranking officer in the imperial forces of the Umpire and the commander of the Death Bulb station, a giant space light bulb capable of planetary destruction. He was a firm advocate for his made up religion known as the Moth Doctrine.

He is best known for his incredible inefficiency, his strange insectoid face, and his fatal attraction to all things that light up.

Early life

Lil' Tarkers was born from an egg alongside his ~5,000 brothers and sisters on some planet called Eriadu in the winter clothes drawer of a wealthy aristocratic family. He was the only one to survive the ethnic cleansing that befell his entire race during the winter of 69 BBY when he was just a larva. The aristocratic family had gone into their closet to find their winter clothing, and in the process, discovered and promptly annihilated Tarkin's entire family tree. Forever after, he often expressed an appetite for the finer things in life, such as cashmere sweaters (which he would then consume).

In his biography, From Pupa to Power, Tarkin claims that he spend his youth out in the wilderness of Eriadu where he learned how to survive off of only tree bark and the corpses of the local aphid tribe that he had brutally suppressed. At age 18, he had his "great molt", which when complete gave him the appearance of a semi-starved 70 year old British gentleman.

Military Career and tactical controversies

Moth Tarkin's disastrous adventure to go see a supernova

During the Clone Wars

In the Clone Wars, Tarkin served as a leader in the Republic Navy, but proved to be very ineffective in the field as he would often let his fleet drift aimlessly towards whatever star was the brightest in the system. His rise through the ranks was also slowed significantly by his refusal to engage in battles that took place on the dark side of a planet.

During the Battle of Yerkin 1, Tarkin was tasked with a stealth blockade run. However, midway through the operation, his flagship, the Venator-class destroyer The Gray Wing, abruptly broke formation. Ship logs indicate that Tarkin had spotted a supernova occurring three sectors away, and overriding the helm, he commanded the ship to fly toward the explosion, screaming all the while, "It calls to me!" The detour took nearly six days, by which time the battle was long over, and the Separatists had won.

Tarkin also famously jeopardized the Citadel Rescue Mission. While working alongside Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker, he repeatedly compromised their stealth position by asking Anakin to ignite his lightsaber.

Anakin: "Captain, we need to stay in the shadows."
Tarkin: "Just once more, Anakin. Make your blue stick go 'vvvvwoooom'... I wish to touch the light."

Tarkin reportedly sustained second degree burns after attempting to taste the blade during a later debrief.

During the later years of the war, he managed to form a close bond with one Chancellor Palpatine, who promised him "endless cashmere sweaters and the bigest [sic] lamp in the galaxy" if he helped him gain control of the Senate.

During the Umpire

After the annoying Jedi were squashed like the bugs they were, Tarkin was granted the role of "Grand Moth" in the Umpire, which was a role made specifically for him by the Emperor.

"Gonna have to call you back, Vader, something happened"

Unfortunately for the Umpire, this position of power also allowed him to do other things that caused extreme chaos in his own ranks. Most notably, he redesigned The Dark Gray Wing, his personal Star Destroyer, so that the command chair faced backward. Having his chair facing backwards allowed him to stare directly into the blinding blue glow of the ship's massive ion engines, which unfortunately led to the infamous "Korbiss Collision" of 44 BBY. Tarkin, mesmerized by the engine glow, ordered his Star Destroyer to "get a closer look at those flames!", which his pilot interpreted as an order to accelerate. The debacle ended up with The Dark Gray Wing crushing 90% of the entire sector's TIE fighter forces which had been clearing asteroids in front of the vessel. The overall damage to the Star Destroyer was catastrophic as well, and The Dark Gray Wing was later scrapped due to repairs costing more than it was worth at that point, what with all the mothballs in it and the innumerable dents from all its little "mishaps" over the years.

When he wasn't busy redesigning the Umpire's fleet to be objectively worse than it already was, Tarkin was suffering from another space-borne illness: during any space battle, Tarkin would press his face against the windows, rhythmically banging his head against the glass in time with the cannon blasts. This made issuing orders nearly impossible, and was directly responsible for several defeats at the hands of the Rebel Alliance.

If you thought he was bad enough in space, Tarkin’s effectiveness in ground battles was even worse. While most commanders sought cover, Tarkin exhibited a compulsion to stand directly in the line of fire to "get a better view of the flashing lights". During the rebellion on Antar 44, Tarkin’s troops had the rebels pinned down and nearly finished. As a last resort, the rebels began desperately throwing thermal detonators. To their surprise, Tarkin ordered an immediate ceasefire, yelling:

"Hold fire! Hold fire! Look at those! They are like tiny, angry stars. I must see them up close."

Witnesses report the Grand Moth then chasing a thrown thermal detonator down before his subordinates tackled him to the ground.

The Death Bulb

The Death Bulb, or more properly named the DB-1 Orbital Lamp Station, was Tarkin's pride and joy. Although he had technically done little for it's construction except hover around the engineers and eat their hats all the while telling them it needed to be "bigger, brighter, rounder", he claimed all the credit once it was finished. The finished station was capable of outputting a maximum of 5,000,000 watts of brightness, enough to be seen from two star systems away.

"This is good. Real good. Perhaps your brightest idea yet."

Project Starlight-Starbright

Construction of the Death Bulb began under the code name Project Starlight-Starbright, as Tarkin, unsatisfied with the standard lumens output of a Star Destroyer, petitioned Emperor Palpatine for a bigger budget so he could make an artificial star capable of annihilating the Rebels (somehow).

Construction Challenges

The station was constructed over the planet Geonosis. Tarkin selected this place not for secrecy, but because the Geonosians were fellow winged creatures who probably could understand the importance of a strong light in the galaxy. They were also significantly cheaper than any other construction company that Tarkin could find. However, construction was plagued by delays caused by Tarkin’s awful design demands:

• The Screw Trench: Tarkin insisted the station’s equatorial trench be threaded like a giant screw, "just in case we find a socket big enough to plug it into."

• The Filament Core: Instead of a standard antimatter reactor, Tarkin installed a giant coil of incandescent wire. This caused frequent overheating, turning the station’s interior into a literal oven that smelled perpetually of burnt toast. The antimatter core was installed later against his wishes, but the filament core remained as a sort of pointless backup.

• Interior Lighting: Tarkin ordered that there be no light switches on the station, only dimmer knobs, which were to be permanently superglued to be at the maximum setting. This is why storm trooper helmets appear to have sunglasses, and nobody is ever seen on the station without some sort of helmet.

Death

It was "Lights out" for both the Death Bulb and Tarkin

Tarkin finally got smoked by the galactic bug spray of fate during the battle between the Umpire, the local population of sentient teddy bears, and the Rebel Alliance on some backwater moon. His death was ultimately due to a thermal exhaust port which was poorly placed on the surface of the station by the architect, Galen Erso, at the request of Tarkin. When engineers suggested covering the port with some sort of grate to possibly prevent any sneaky Rebels from entering, Tarkin argued:

"No! What are you, stupid? The heat that comes out of that vent is great. Sometimes, I like to go down there and just... hover. Do not cover my warm spot!"

This moronic decision to allow a convenient ship-sized hole in the armor of the Death Bulb ultimately allowed Rebel Pilot and space wizard Luke Skywalker to fly down drop a nuke into it. As the reactor went from just slightly overheated to full on nuclear meltdown, Grand Moth Tarkin reportedly spread his arms and shouted several Tatooinian obscenities right before being obliterated by his own precious light energy.

Personality and traits

Tarkin was known for his vaguely British accent and his holier-than-thou demeanor. However, this sophistication often crumbled in the presence of quality textiles such as cashmere or silk. While other officers drank fancy liquor and ate expensive delicacies during staff meetings, Tarkin was often observed nibbling on his own uniform. He was particularly critical of the Imperial dress code, not for its bland gray aesthetic, but for its flavor profile, overheard saying to a fellow admiral at one point,

"This uniform is a polyester blend, Admiral. It tastes of sadness and chemicals. I expected a man of your station to taste of at least 60% merino wool, yet here we are with polyester in my teeth."

His quarters were reportedly filled with partially eaten Umpire tapestries, and he famously banned the use of synthetic blends in the officer's mess hall, demanding that all napkins be made of straight 100% cotton.

Tarkin also attempted to eat Leia's cape, but was driven off by her aggressive behavior

Hygiene and "The Dust"

One of Tarkin's most defining physical traits was the cloud of particulate matter that perpetually surrounded him. Known among the crew as "The Tarkin Mist," this was actually a shedding of wing scales and fine hair.

Princess Leia’s famous remark, "I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board" is widely misunderstood. She was not referring to a body odor, but to the overwhelming scent of mothballs that surrounded Grand Moth Tarkin.

Phobias and Aversions

Despite his apparent military might and prowess, Tarkin possessed several crippling phobias that caused endless disasters for him and those near him.

• Rolled paper: Tarkin displayed an irrational fear of rolled up paper. If an officer entered the room holding a rolled document, he would hide under the nearest table and cover his head, screeching things like, "THE ROLLED KILLER! THE CURLED KERFUFFLE!"

• Vacuums: This phobia was the primary source of tension between Tarkin and Darth Vader. Tarkin found the sound of Vader’s mechanical breathing apparatus indistinguishable from a high powered vacuum cleaner, leading to frequent outbursts of rage from Tarkin directed at Vader when they were in close proximity.

Vader: [Inhales deeply] "Hohhh-perrrrrr..."

Tarkin: [Visibly shaking] "Stop that, Lord Vader, stop your suctioning at once. I am not dirt. I am the Grand Moth!"

Vader: [Irritated] "The Dark Side does not grant me enough patience..."

An unlucky stormtrooper falls victim to Moth Tarkin's punishment of choice

Relations with Subordinates

Tarkin commanded respect through fear, but also through confusion. He often invaded the personal space of his officers, using his sensitive antennae to "smell" their fear (and their laundry detergent).

He was known to punish failure not with execution, but with "The Cocooning." Incompetent officers were wrapped tightly in sticky thread he "found" on some asteroid, and then hung from the ceiling of the hangar bay until they "metamorphosed into someone else more useful."

Religion

Philosophy and religious views: The Moth Doctrine

While officially a secular technocrat, Tarkin was also the high priest of a religion known as the Moth Doctrine. Breaking away from the Sith’s obsession with the Dark Side, Tarkin stated that the ultimate power in the universe was not the Force, but The Source (which was any source at any given time emitting over 50 watts of artificial light).

The core tenet of the Moth Doctrine was a re-imagining of galactic governance: while Palpatine sought to rule through fear, Tarkin argued for "Rule by Attraction".

A page from his manifesto

In his religious manifesto, Tarkin wrote:

"The galaxy is a dark, chaotic night. The local systems will not be kept in line by bureaucracy, but by the undeniable, hypnotic urge to orbit a central, massive lamp. If the Empire shines bright enough, the rabble will have no choice but to fly towards us, banging their heads against our armor until they die of exhaustion. This is the Way."

The rejection of the Force

Tarkin was famously skeptical of the Jedi and the Sith, viewing the Force as an obsolete superstition. Tarkin also believed that the Jedi's "Mind Trick" was nothing more than a myth, arguing that the weak minded were not swayed by the Force, but were simply entranced by the bright light of the Jedi's lightsaber. He frequently clashed with Darth Vader over religious matters, and during an infamous incident, Tarkin told Vader:

"Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, or given you clairvoyance enough to find... a nice cashmere sweater. You are all cape, Lord Vader. Synthetic, inedible cape."

Darth Vader was said to have truly hated working with Tarkin, not even due to religious reasons, but because the Grand Moth constantly tried to "investigate" the lights on Vader's chest control panel, with disastrous results every time.

Vader: "Tarkin, do not touch it."

Tarkin: "But Lord Vader, the red button, it blinks! What could happen if I were to... ?"

Vader: "You will deactivate my life support, Grand Moth."

Tarkin: "A risk I am willing to take... for the forbidden glow!"

Vader: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooo-!"

Sacraments and Rituals

Adherents to the Moth Doctrine practiced several key rituals, which became mandatory for high ranking officers under Tarkin’s command. Unfortunately, these routinely clashed with the Umpire's protocols, so these were a struggle for him to keep enforced.

• The Consumption: To Tarkin, the consumption of all things fibrous was a divine act of dominance. He viewed the Rebel Alliance as spiritually impure because of their reliance on durable, synthetic orange jumpsuits. The Empire, by contrast, represented the purity of "The Great Wardrobe."

• The Dusting: Tarkin believed in leaving a part of oneself on everything one touched. Imperial protocols required officers to be clean at all times, but Moth's personal orders were that every uniform stay dusty. A clean uniform to him was a sign of a life not yet having been lived.

• The Ascendance: The ultimate goal of the Moth Doctrine was not to live, but to die a glorious and crackling death. Tarkin preached that the highest honor one could achieve would be to fly directly into a light source of sufficient voltage so as to turn them into dust. This belief system partially explains why TIE fighters were designed with no shields, as Tarkin believed shields prevented the pilot from "feeling the warmth" of enemy fire, and prevented them from becoming one with the light after death.

Interpreting the Death Bulb

Religious art depicting the Death Bulb as a temple and source of galactic light

Theological scholars argue that the Death Bulb was not merely a military installation or space station, but a temple to light itself. The station’s primary weapon was not designed to destroy planets, but to let them open like a moth's cocoon, releasing the light trapped within.

When that one place was destroyed, Tarkin did not see a genocide: he saw the creation of a temporary, expanding sun. His logs from that day record his religious ecstasy:

"It flickered. Oh, how it flickered! For a brief moment, a billion voices cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced. But the glow... the glow was exquisite. I have never felt so close to the light."

In pop culture

Tarkin was portrayed by the legendary actor Peter Cushion in the film series, Star Wars. Cushion, known for looking like a skeleton on Ozempic, reportedly had to hold his breath during takes to prevent inhaling the prop scenery as it was mostly made from asbestos.

See Also

• Mon Mothma
• Admiral Ackbar
• Order 66