Karl Rove
Karl Buckeye Rove (born December 25, 1950) was Champagne of Beers and Deputy Chief of Staff to gentleman scholar George W. Bush until Rove's resignation on August 31, 2007. He is also a deadbeat freeloading jerk who borrows twenty dollars from people and doesn't pay them back. Being George W. Bush's former personal adviser, which really means he's Bush's submissive sex partner, he was forever given the president's affectionate moniker of "Turd Blossom".
The early years[edit | edit source]
Spawned from a demon's egg which was inadvertently fertilized by a weasel's sperm, Rove was raised in the deepest pits of hell.
The wonder years[edit | edit source]
Is a show that Karl happens to enjoy. So much so, in fact, that when the new DVD boxed set drops he'll beg you for the money to buy it because he's got a check in the mail dude, and will pay you back in one week. But that's a lie and no one SHOULD EVER LEND HIM MONEY.
Stage and screen[edit | edit source]
Upon his return, Rove, after he sucked and swallowed his first and only friend Rush Limburger, got his first job as a Teletubby, (Po to be exact) and for the first time in his life, Karl knew happiness (except when he tied the fishing line to his nuts and threw the pole overboard). Sadly, after only two seasons, he was laid off because, in the words of executive producer Donald Trump he had gotten to be, at 400 pounds, "a little too tubby".
Desperate to maintain his proximity to children, Rove wrote, produced and starred in the short-lived children's television show Turd Blossom & Friends. The pilot episode gave over 23 minutes of its 27-minute runtime to a sequence of extreme close-ups of a prolapsed moose rectum. Despite the delighted reception the episode was given by the nation's disillusioned youth, it was not to last. Sadly, the show was cancelled after the controversy generated in the show's second episode wherein Rove demonstrated the proper way to duct-tape a hamster for use as a masturbation aid. Despite its two-episode run, Turd Blossom & Friends enjoyed cult status and is tremendously popular amongst pedophiles, vampires, marketing executives and other core constituents of the Republican Party. To this day Rove is endeared by fans who insist on referring to him as "Turd Blossom".
Despite the shaky start, Karl persevered. He tried to make the switch from the small screen to the large and was offered the part of evil genius Dr. Joseph Goebbels in the sequel to Raiders of the Lost Ark. Unfortunately, in the words of director Oscar Wilde, he was "a little too evil" for the part. (Eventually, after casting a trained weasel, it was completely written out of the movie.)
More recently, Rove has hosted the gameshow Family Feud, had a short stint as the lead singer for Van Halen, and is best known for his fight with DJ Rush Limbaugh.
Education[edit | edit source]
In 1965 the Roves moved to Salt Lake City, where Rove entered high school and became a master debator.[1] Rove attended many universities before finally not graduating from George Mason University, in Fairfax, Virginia. While he was there the university made a deal with the devil himself, giving the school the greatest final four berth of all time, as a result the school gained national attention, at the cost of having Karl Rove himself an alumnus of their shitty university.
A new beginning[edit | edit source]
An embittered and broken man, Karl ended up in the drunk tank in small-town Connectthedots, recovering from another lost weekend ... er, wait a sec, that's the good guy's spot.
"Good Afternoon, old chap, am I late for brunch?" he wished he could've said, as Big Bubba buried his big black Alabama snake to the hilt inside Sir Rove's tight little pucker-hole.
Someone said, "Yo, guard, this little white bitch is gettin' done up and twisted." At first Karl thought it was the DTs again, but then realized that he was just lying on the floor. Karl grunted. The man said, "Yo, boy, they be callin' me Big Bubba."
"Allow me to introduce myself."
And Karl realized that his new-found friend had something, something that he couldn't quite put a name to, but something special. Then it hit him ... That special something was a prostate tickling ... and money ... lots of money. Karl realized that his luck had changed. He found that he loved Big Bubba and his big black snake.
The transformation[edit | edit source]
Rove knew he would not be able to achieve a level of pure evil with his form as Karl Rove. He would have to complete a ritual in order to give his body to the spirit of his idol, propaganda minister Dr. Paul Joseph Goebbels. This ritual would consist of unimaginable acts. After murdering a gay-black-Jewish-liberal woman, Rove would have to eat the man's heart and bathe in his blood. This would allow Rove to "become" Goebbels, granting him the power of Ultimate Deception in order to corrupt all that is good in the world.
The Bush years[edit | edit source]
Karl Rove has long had a fascination with young cheerleaders, especially those with significant amounts of pubic hair. His own baldness, lack of success with females, and the trend toward shaving of the pubic area limited his activity in this area, so he decided to follow up on the possibilities of his new-found friend.
The George Bush years[edit | edit source]
Karl knew that with his hairline he himself could never aspire to public office, but – through George – he could get revenge on all those who had wronged him, mocked him, and, yes, made him carry a purse. So he resolved to become the power behind the throne and mold George into the perfect politician and, through him, to rule the world. He began the admittedly trivial process of using hypnosis to establish control of George's martini-embalmed mind. It was during this time that he developed a taste for baby flesh.
Even lying on his face, only-born-once George Bush was too sophisticated, too erudite, to appeal to honest, God-fearing Americans, so Karl programmed him to speak in a phony Texas accent, since too many bad cowboy flicks had convinced America's Heartland that the guy with the Texas Accent is always the good guy. After a few short months Rove's control was complete. However, Bush's utter lack of intelligence would prevent Rove from assuming total puppet-mastery, as the president is still prone to periodic fits of banana-chasing and picking ticks off Dick Cheney's back to this very day.
The campaign years[edit | edit source]
Rove studied the works of the great philosophers and political thinkers, particularly Ghandi, to prepare for the campaign ahead. It became clear to him that only by hewing to the highest ethical standards and being absolutely honest with the voters would could he hope to succeed. So he resolved to take the high road and stick to the issues, such as the size of Al Gore's penis. (Ironically, the Gore campaign turned this to their advantage, giving new meaning to wood.)
Then tragedy struck. On the stage of the first gubernatorial debate of 1996, a stagehand, by sheer coincidence, uttered the phrase "Whoa, dude, that Joyce Brothers is hot!" – and freed Bush from Rove's psychic control.
The debate[edit | edit source]
The first questions should have been easy ... it was pretty much fielder's choice for George, all he needed to do was choose between smiling beneficently and saying "There you go again, Phillis!" if his opponent was starting off feisty or "You can run, but you can't hide!" if he started off like the whimpy tree-hugger she was. But the silence stretched on, and Karl looked up in sudden concern, to see the worst nightmare of any power-behind-the-throne.
His boy had the dread "deer in the headlights" look!
Worse, Karl alone knew that it was the look of someone who just minutes before had been listening to his campaign manager say "... getting sweepy ... sweepy ..." and all of a sudden here he was in front of the hot lights surrounded by complete strangers. Even worse than that it was the look of someone who was thinking
"Holy shit! Bad acid!"
Karl thumbed the transmitter, thankful that he'd insisted that George wear the hidden receiver no matter how easy the debate ...
"Geowge ... wisten, Geowge, evewything's going to be aww wight ..."
Didn't seem to help, in fact, George's paranoia ratcheted up another notch ...
Where is that voice coming from?
Thinking fast, Karl said:
"Geowge ... this is
God[edit | edit source]
And thus a new era in American Politics came to be.
Scandals[edit | edit source]
- Oval Office Gangbang of 2000 (not to be confused with the Oral Office Gangbang of 2004)
- Look at this. Don't think about this.
- Karl Rove begins with a K, just like Ku, Klux, and even ... Klan.
- In 2004 Rove attempted to wake the Elder God Cthulhu in Rl'Yeh; Cthulhu hung up and changed its number when Karl kept calling back to insist on a 60/40 split of Earthly souls.
- In 2007 Karl Rove accompanied Larry Craig to the Union Station bathroom. He was just there for emotional support. No homo.
Fun facts[edit | edit source]
The article could be improved by reading it upside-down, or something, I dunno. Did you know it's impossible to lick your own elbow? Unless you're some kind of freak.
- Exposing a CIA agent is treason. That means you, Karl Rove!
- At the beginning of time, Karl Rove said, "Let there be light." (Light said, "Fuck you, Karl.")
- The word euthanasia was coined when Karl Rove went to Japan and the government decided to kill all the youth in Asia so they wouldn't have to suffer him.
- When Karl Rove drinks water, it causes George W. Bush to give long, insightful speeches.
- It can be mathematically proven that Karl Rove is the source of all evil.
- Karl Rove doesn't breathe air, because you can't privatize it. (New development: Karl Rove is working on privatizing air (30¢ per minute from AT&T).
- Karl Rove inherited the Roach Clip of Madness from Richard Nixon, a piece of drug paraphernalia which drives hippies into a state of anxiety and lunacy, causing them to foam at the mouth.
- Karl Rove is known to have a pathological fear and soul-hatred of Alyson Hannigan. He fell in love with the evil vampire Willow when he saw her on TV, then his heart was broken when he found out she was only a fictional character and not someone he could date, seduce, or buy.
- Karl Rove refuses to hire redheads, because they remind him of Hannigan. Indeed, he has been known to curl up into a ball and rock after prolonged exposure to red-haired females. (Washington Post A15. December 13, 2004.) In his role as DNC Chairman, Howard Dean entered exploratory talks with Maureen Dowd to see if she would be willing to act as a "ginger bomb" at the White House; however, Dean was overruled by the DNC as they are a bunch of fucking pussies.
- Karl Rove drinks wine with Sean Hannity from the skull of Abbie Hoffman.
- George Lucas won't re-release the original Star Wars because Karl Rove threatened to release their three-way with the late Carrie Fisher.
- According to a vow by President Bush, Rove was supposed to be fired, as the person responsible for leaking Valerie Plame's identity. Unfortunately, this could not be done for medical reasons. (George's lips could not be removed from Karl's ass.)
- Karl Rove's wingtips are actually the forward-most protrusions of his hooves. He had the nails sculpted to resemble tooled leather so as not to alarm Senate pages before draining their blood.
- Karl Rove's favorite movie is Babe: Pig in the City. His least favorite scene is when the farmer's wife keeps the farm from getting foreclosed, as Karl believes in the triumph of Banks over the Individual. His favorite scene is when the pit bull is being waterboarded as Karl sees him as a metaphor for extremist Muslims.
- Karl Rove promises (if elected
president) to legalize organ brokering, child labor, and the option to operate a car without a catalytic converter. In Karl's carefully considered opinion, any government regulation is bad – God created trees merely to provide us with paper products, thus proving global warming is an Al Gore conspiracy. - Karl Rove appeared in Pulp Fiction under a pseudonym as the individual guarding Bruce Willis.
- While he definitely tends to take the dominant position with young boys, Karl Rove prefers to be submissive in his relationships with Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld.
- When not working at the White House, Karl Rove leads a double life as president of NAMBLA, as he really loves working with kids.
- Karl Rove is the most highly respected pedophile in the world.
- Karl Rove does not eat pork – not because he's Muslim or Jewish, but because he doesn't believe in cannibalism.
- Due to his Vampire heritage, Karl Rove can often be found donating his time to blood drives for the Red Cross.
- When asked what movie character best typified his views on economics, Karl Rove cited Vilos Cohaagen in Total Recall. He was quoted as saying "Ronny Cox really knew how to handle a rowdy crowd!"
- When asked where he got his ideas for Post war reconstruction in Iraq, Karl responded with The Producers.
- Karl Rove has never been convicted for eating a live human baby.
- Karl Rove is also known by his second name, Lucifer.
- Karl Rove is reportedly engaged to the Halliburton Energy Services, the first reported case of an individual's betrothal to a company and the largest dowry in history.
- Karl Rove's standard reply to considered constructive criticism is execution.
- Plants wither from the ground where Karl Rove has walked, and birds fall dead from trees when he passes too close.
Quotes[edit | edit source]
“Muahahahahahaha!”
“Muahahahahahaha!”
“I have to get that ASS!”
“Muahahahahahaha!”
“Muahahahahahaha!”
“Muahahahahahaha!”
“Muahahahahahaha!”
“Muahahahahahaha!”
“Now ... fulfill your destiny, and take your father's place at my side!”
“Fifty years ago we'd have Karl Rove upside-down with a fucking fork up the ass!”
“Muahahahahahaha!”
“A prosecutor once tried to indict me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti”
“Fuck the Senate, I AM the Senate!”
“It rubs the lotion on its skin. It does this when it’s told.”
Karl's blacklist[edit | edit source]
People Karl Rove is better than[edit | edit source]
People better than Karl Rove[edit | edit source]
- Me
- You (yeah, even you!)
- Dog
- Judas Priest
- Jenova's Witnesses (won't return his phone calls)
Styles of address[edit | edit source]
- Your Unholiness
- Lucifer
- Grand High Stonecutter
- Your Excellency
- Your Imperial Majesity
- Yes! Yes ... Oh my God yes!
- God
- Karl the Karpet Muncher
- Mister Turd Blossom
- "it"
- "that"
- HIM
- HotKarl.com
In popular culture[edit | edit source]
Rove has inspired various fictional characters, including Batman's "The Joker" (the Cesar Romero version), the Terminator (the bad one from the first movie), the Wicked Witch of the West, Hannibal Lecter, Darth Vader, and most recently, Lord Voldemort.
See also[edit | edit source]
- A Republican Party
- 'Til Eulenspiegel's merry pranks
- Marxists
- Vampire Americans
- Lefties
- Deseret Liberation Organization