Jenova's Witness
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“I TOLD YOU TO VOTE REPUBLICAN! NOW DIE!”
For the Brits:
“I TOLD YOU TO VOTE LIB DEM! NOW DIE!”
“Damn it! Where did I put my head?!”
“Moooooom...!”
“Baptism, via Fire 3, baby!”
“He who shalt say JENOVA shalt be stoned... in the goood way.”
“Nobody's stoning anybody until I blow this whistle! Even if they do say 'Jenova'!”
“Why have baby-killing stem cell research when you can have bizarre alien stem cell research?”
“Xenu and Cthulu hit it off and now this.”
The Start of the Execution Phase[edit | edit source]
The bizzare, depressed, horny, disgusting, godless and rather Ultra-Orthadoxed tradition of the Jenova's Witnesses (also known as the True Religion), was started through a "cultural outreach" program by the Republican Party in 1965 as part of the Republican Party's plan to build a Permanent Republican Majority. The project entered its execution phase when a spiky haired man who loved self-mutilation realized that he shared the same egg donor as countless other spiky-headed self-mutilating girly men. They then all got together and realized that they were all missing something in their short, pointless lives. Like other large groups of strange people, they formed a cult. This cult was known as the Jenova's witnesses as they all claim that they have all witnessed the unlimited love of Jenova through the creature granting them their depraved, godless and morally disgusting little lives. Little did they know of the significance of what they started or who was in the behind of it.
The Arrival of the Purpose[edit | edit source]
The Journey[edit | edit source]
Upon the beginning of their "fruity little club", one of the members began their pilgrimage, or itzjihad, from the Holy City of Midgar to Akron, Ohio. There he was instructed by the great wise seven-jeweled eunuch, Noh Ding Dong about where he must go to learn the sacred truth of Jenova. The instruction consisted of drinking a whole bottle of Ny Quil. Despite the horrible taste, the young Emo drank all of it and he subsequently passed out for 8 hours. He subsequently had his revelation, or Diabeneticium (which is a mixture of Diabetes and Scientology). His revelation was that he must, without any protective winter gear, climb to the top of a giant crater at the North Pole, which is absurd because everyone knows that Santa's workshop, and not a giant crater is at the North Pole. At the North Pole, he would learn the truth about the destiny of the witnesses. However, after waking up, he found out that he was in a dream and that he was never in Akron, Ohio. Instead, he found himself in a ditch in a park in Sioux Falls, South Dakota being poked with a wire coat-hanger for some reason. He still decided to head north to the North Pole, at least hoping Santa Claus would give him a pony, or at least a new giant knife to mutilate himself with. Eventually, he decided to team up with a talking dog and chick with some really nice boobs who always dresses "improperly" to go with him to the North Pole (now you HAVE TO be trippin'). Eventually, he got up to the North Pole and found the giant crater. What happened after that was some weird shit with puppets, magical stones, Dick Cheney, big swords, magic mushrooms and "weapons". What it basically all meant was that the Jenova's witnesses were all part alien and retarded copies of the Sexual Superhero, Oscar Wilde, otherwise known as "Sephiroth" and that they were somehow part of the Republican Party's plan for a Permanent Conservative Majority. I think it had something to do with Peak Oil, technological singularity and the Illuminati.
The Aftermath[edit | edit source]
After the journey, the traveler's small brain was overcome by the complexities of his destiny and went into a coma for several days, upon awakening, he went back to the Jenova's Witnesses to try to explain what had happened and how it changed everything. Of course, all emos are alike, so it took several days of coma to digest everything. In the end, nothing really changed, they are still puppets of Oscar Wilde, but at least they now can sorta appreciate what they are really doing, even though it probably doesn't make a difference.
The Maturation of the Sect[edit | edit source]
Even though they were all doing it all along anyway, they eventually began to spread the message of Jenova. This was now only possible because they actually had a message, instead of a rant on a live journal. This is when they began to build the great mega churches and began to conduct the pre-dawn annoying runs that everyone knows and loves them for. By "love", I mean that a few more are able to survive the random encounters of lynching mobs. Despite the constant and mass-human sacrifice (if they are really human) they give to Oscar so that he may have enough power to destroy the world so he can become God, or at least a Jesii, the numbers of the Jenova's Witnesses swelled to a couple of million by 1980. Sephiroth (can be used interchangeably with Oscar Wilde) then had enough minions to throw away without conscience he never had. He now could do anything from winning election (or at least) rigging elections, to creating himself a palace made out of intestines. Since then, the Jenova's witnesses have continued to expand and were now beginning to accomplish their initial goal.
Jenova's Witness Today[edit | edit source]
Modern Lifestyles[edit | edit source]
Today, the Jenova's witnesses have over a million members throughout the universe. In fact, you are not alive until you hear the knock on the door by a glowing eyed emo at 4:30 in the morning wanting to talk about the "what brings them joy in their pathetic lives". The typical Jenova's Witness lives for hundreds of years inside of robots and wooden shacks. Many have claimed that they are simply combining the ancient Feng Shui tradition of Goa Tse with more modern flair as they are members of the most technologically advanced people on Earth. That's right. The Martians. This seems to make a lot of sense because this cult isn't supposed make any sense, and when it does, you are usually around to see it. Sure, there a those who say "it makes a lot of sense", but they are someone else. Get used to it. And then you realize Jenova herself is a Martian.
REUNION[edit | edit source]
The reunion is like a fuggin' science experiment mixed with an extended family gathering. So, you can just imagine how weird that is. In one reunion, they caused 620 Trillion Francs worth of damage, which, if Francs stilled existed would be about twice of Earth's GDP in 2006. Don't ask how. But it is speculated that it occurred on the giant planet of Gliese 581c in which you had to say "Where's my Cheese Biscuits" 7 times in a row at 3:34 PM on the summer solstice to attend that reunion. Participants were then taxied to the event 21 light years away by the greys on the condition that they would submit to experiments which made Abu Ghraib look like an 8-star hotel.
Jenova's Witnesses Theology[edit | edit source]
The Greatest Sacraments and The Holiest of the Holies[edit | edit source]
Saints and Sainthood[edit | edit source]
In 1992, after major blows to their congregation via U.S. security crackdowns, the Jenova's Witnesses needed a central dogman dogma of those to worship. Eventually, they came up with great saints and sacraments. Some of their great saints include, Jebus, Admiral Halsey and the Teen Boppers, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, Number 2, Justice Scalia, Muhtada Al-Sadr, The Hardy Boys, Aerith, the cat, Palpatine, Jay and Silent Bob, your mom and Ted Kennedy. Holy fuck, these are a lot of saints. In fact, it is really quite easy to become a saint because all you need to do is to fill out an application. Actually, that is a flaming turd. There is a 6,543,450 step process there is needed to complete, but most of these steps can be completed within a few seconds. Still, however, even if it took 5 seconds, some six million steps would still take... 20,000 minutes, 400 hours, or a little less than three weeks. HOLY CHRIST!!! I WOULD BE 23 432 562 IN 3 WEEKS!!!!!!!!! But it's more like 16 days and 16 hours. Phew... I'll only be a 100 by then.
Sacriments[edit | edit source]
Some of the great sacraments of the Jenova's Witnesses include smoking meth, snorting crack and baking soda, having internal organs, breathing, streaking naked by abortion clinics, serving at soup kitchens next to abortion clinics, protesting abortion clinics, bombing abortion clinics, supporting political candidates only because they want abortion to be punished, supporting political candidates because they want abortion to be illegal, performing abortions at abortion clinics, castration, butt sex, public nudity, conspiracy to commit public nudity, accessory to public nudity, attempted public nudity, aiding and abetting in public nudity, contracting to public nudity, vicarious liability to public nudity, negligence resulting in public nudity, writing amicus briefs to the state constitutional court to ban the banning of public nudity, child molestation, self-mutilation, abusing Arabs, abusing Mexicans, eating food, also, as Jay and Silent Bob have pointed out, getting stoned is a great sacrament.
This is only the tip of the iceberg, however. All of this information was distracted on a raid on one of their Queendom Halls where we found tons of really good Kool-aid and many dead eunuchs... Also Tom Cruise was there too... Jenova wasn't there, oddly; she was at Ash's funeral, where she drank the spiked punch and screwed May 42 times. Too bad, she missed one hell of a party...
The Greatest Sins[edit | edit source]
No great religion or cult would actually be great without strict rules of behavior or beliefs. This religion is no exception. Throughout the ages (that is, since 1999) the Jenova's Witnesses have compiled a list of scripture that deal with the taboos of this faith:
“I am thine mother. You shall love and obey me. Cheat on me with another alien monstrosity, and thou shalt have your cock chopped off.”
However, Oscar Wilde took this risk and turned out to be a sexual superhero.
“There are others in the great tower of I who are gluttonous and dumb. They clean all of thine snack machines and soda machines and make them void of BAWLS energy drink. Thou shall not be one of them, lest your balls be removed.”
“Let it be known that it is easier for Meteor to thread a needle than for an emo to worship me!”
“There are many that tell you that you should be allowed to use as many squares of toilet paper as you wish! I say unto you now to disregard those with a hardened heart and use only 2 squares per turd!”
However, there are of course conflicts in canonical law.
“He who smelt it, dealt it!”
“Whoever said the rhyme, did the crime.”
“No pooftahs!”
Of course, there are easier, well easier said than done laws to follow...
“Thou shalt not mate in the champagne room, lest it be made impossible for you to mate or drink champagne evermore.”
“THERE IS NO RULE SIX!!!”
“I just whipped your ass, and that's the bottom line because Stone Cold said so!”
“Well, drive down the Know Your Role Boulevard, take a walk down the Jabroni Drive, and check your candy ass right into the SmackDown! Hotel!”
“Thou shalt not... You know what? Screw it. Go read the Jargon File or something.”
The Greatest Prayers[edit | edit source]
There are plenty of great prayers. I am sure of it. However, I am too lazy to talk about them. However, there are two prayers that any good student or follower or just regular bystander that loves living should know.
- Lunchtime Prayer:
"If the log rolls over, we will die. If the log rolls over, we will die." Pretty appetizing, isn't it?
- Evening Prayer:
"Oh Jenova, bless the cows, the dogs, the cats, the spiders, the muskrats, the weasels, the orangutans, the sloths, the jackalopes, the breakfast cereals, the tacos, the burritos, the robots, the fairies, the cowboys, the pirates, the ninjas, the eunuchs, the sailors, the nerds, the moss, the cockroaches, the trees, the mountains, the penises, the colons, the uvulae, the appendicies, the farts, the rotten eggs, the terrorists, the sand, the pubic hairs, the horses, the bluetooths, the clones, the tampons, the aborted fetuses, the wicker cabinents, the lamp posts, the ovaries, the people with monkey hearts who ride the motorcycle while wearing a cowboy hat, the short buses, the kids who ride the short buses, Unamerica, America, the anal probes, the holy hand grenades, the possums, the Bactrian poppy fields, the puppies, the forties, the blunts..." (skip on a bit, brother) "... and the bitches! Yah-mehn."
The Central Dogma[edit | edit source]
Oh. This one is pretty easy. Thousands of years ago, there was this master race who was greeted by a bizarre alien lifeform that turned everyone into zombies. Eventually, they somehow melded into one and the monster was sealed under ground until some nut case unsealed it and started injecting its blood into poor unsuspecting slobs. Eventually, a being was created using artificial insemination with gene-splicing from the alien. The man that grew up is now supposed to use all of his clones and the various slobs to gather enough strength through the alien he was spliced from to create a giant rock into hitting the earth. What we are supposed to do then is all die so we can make him a God and the process can start over ad nauseum. This isn't exactly right and I have no bloody idea what I am talking about. I just want to sound empowering. Oh, and you also have to hand out a bunch of perfectly reasonable magazines titled The Advent (which usually cover topics such as how to take over the planet) if you want to attend the Reunion.