Goldfinger
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to be rickrolled!”
“Why did my mum have to call me Gold Goldfinger, I mean come on!”
“Goldfinger! He's the man, the man with the Midas touch. A spider's touch! Such, a cold finger. Beckons you, to enter his web of sin. But don't go in!”
“That's MY line!”
Auric Pequino Goldfinger (cloned June 32, 1945) is most famous for his plot to capture Fort Knox from the Russians in 1964, which was foiled by James Bond. He is lesser known as the father of Axl Rose, brother to Robert Plant, and a genetic creation of the Waffen SS.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
In 1941 Hitler created Robert Plant from his own genetic material, in a cheap attempt to boost sales of Mein Kampf. But having already sold most of his blood to pay his gas bill, he was forced to make up the difference using stem cells from a Mexican bonsai tree. This unorthodox procedure caused the hybrid embryo to split in two, one becoming Plant and the other becoming Goldfinger.
To rid himself of the monstrous second embryo, the Führer bribed the Pope to conceal it in his Pope hat and carry it to Brussels for disposal, but it escaped. After living off garbage for six months, the misshapen Goldfinger was discovered by a Serbian millitant couple, who took it in as a pet.
When Auric was three years old he and his adoptive parents fled Belgium to escape a bee that was chasing them. They sought refuge in Brazil, where they started a new life as farmers. Within a year, however, they were killed by wild mongooses attracted by the cry of the young Goldfinger, who was taken into their pack and raised as one of their own.
Rise to Power[edit | edit source]
When he finally emerged from the Brazilian wilderness, Auric began a career as a tree top flyer in South America, smuggling shipments of kittens into the U.S. and Canada. It was through this career that he amassed his enormous wealth, and established himself as the most skilled x-wing pilot in the galaxy. However, while pulling a routine training mission in Cambodia his plane, shot down by rebelling raptors, landed upon a massive, forgotten, City of Gold.
He had lost a finger in the mishap, but an Indian Shaman made him a golden one, and renamed him "Goldfinger". Auric promptly ran to the nearest ATM, withdrew $200.64, and bought himself a mining crew. From the gold that was extracted from the rich vein below the forgotten city, the same Indian Shaman constructed for Auric a Heart of Gold, and transplanted it into him, inspiring Goldfinger to write a song which became a big hit for Neil Young.
Operation: Big Scrotum[edit | edit source]
On the morning of April 23, 1964. The Kentuckistan military took control of Fort Knox, and captured the gold inside in the name of communism. It was a great miscalculation on congress' part however, to locate most of its countries gold within such hostile terroritory, but regardless they called in James Bond to reclaim the Fort.
Goldfinger was alerted to the situation, and dispatched a small force of badgers and mongooses into the area to combat the Russians. This countered Bond's operations in the area, so he deployed several villagers to build a barracks, and a Siege Workshop. He then pushed his loose barrage of Swordsmen and Catapults into the midst of the battle. Blofeld, still operating from the Dark Ages, was defeated, and the Russians, having advanced to the Cold War, simply shot down Bond's forces. At this point, however, Nevada had captured all relics, and won the match.
With his military in shambles, and his gold lost to the Russians, Goldfinger swore to defeat Bond one day, and immediately aligned (on sexual levels) with Bond's nemesis, Blofeld.
Henchmen[edit | edit source]
He had a sumo with a killer hat called Blowjob. But the most deadly assassin he hired was none other than Mrs Prichard from down the road.
Blofeld Years[edit | edit source]
Unable to be with the love of his life, James Bond, Blofeld instead vented all of his sexual energy into Auric Goldfinger. This relationship ended badly, when Blofeld had Goldfinger stripped of any usable parts, rolled over a cliff, and burnt, then sent him to an recycling facility in Wyoming.
Resurrection[edit | edit source]
Having a heart of Gold, Goldfinger was not completly destroyed by Blofeld, and instead inserted himself into the body of a Italian Janitor named Pritchardo. It was at this point, however, that the Cold War ended, and Auric was raped by Billy Shears. The resulting bastard child was the extremely racist Axl Rose.
Currently[edit | edit source]
Auric now works as a Catholic missionary in his homeland of Serbia, in his spare time, he collects and remixes Kurt Russell movies into rare forms of cinematic art. In recent years, his heart has become seriously tarnished, and often fails to pump Mr. Bubble throughout his system. His brother, Butter finger, has taken his place as evil genius.
He is estranged from his brother Robert, whom he closely resembles but without the leafy foliage.
In the year 2007 he was in a car crash where he lost a single limb, a finger. To resolve the issue of having a retarded hand he decided to produce a Goldfinger. At 300 Carots in forces his carcass to drag along on the floor.