Yngwie Malmsteen
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| Years Active | 30,000 BC - present |
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| Genre(s) | Neoclassical metal, Gothic Didgeredoo |
| Species | Demon/human hybrid (Pre-1999), Demon/Florida Man hybrid (Post-1999) |
| associated Acts | Steeler, Alcatraz, Himself, Ronnie James Dio, I Think Satan Likes Your Mom |
Yngwie Johann Malmsteen (born Lars Johann Sebastian Mozart Beethoven Bach "Fooking" Lannerbäck on 30 June 1963) is a world renowned Swedish didgeredoo player. He is probably best known bringing back the once well-known music of Gothic Didgeredoo, the genre created by George W. Bush. He was also recntly hired as the new guitar player for ITSLYM. He has taken Gothic Didgeredoo playing to many new heights though; doing such things as juggling flaming chupacabras while playing the didgeredoo and placing his didgeredoo over his penis and pretending it is super-huge. (which it isn't, might I add) The latter has not been seen however, since The incident. Apparently, he doesn't eat donuts, instead he like to gorge himself on burgers. That aside, he's notorious for being the ultimate nice guy, as all of his former colleagues will attest to.
(He is not to be confused with his retarded cousin, Yinglebean P. Malmspoon (who makes custard and boot polish for a living), or his violent twin brother, Stingray Napalmsteen (who is an infamous terrorist and war-criminal.)
Childhood[edit | edit source]
Yngwie's mother, Svetnia "donut" Malmsteen, is the only proven example of having a virgin birth (besides of course virgin Mary). His mother was impregnated with the devil's child while playing the Satanic Kazoo. Comparing Satan's DNA to Yngwie's, one would find it is a perfect match. (This has only happened four other times).
Yngwie's Swedish name was unbelievably hard for fat westerners to pronounce, so he translated it to English in order to fit in with them (which was unnecessary, because he already looked like one). Literally, his original name translates as "Yogi the Bear Eats Cereal Off His Penis," but something got lost in the translation...
Yngwie was inspired to play didgeredoo when he saw a television show called Swedish Girls Gone Wild. When his mother purchased the didgeredoo, Yngwie discovered (much to his dismay) that the didgeredoo was not used for the same purpose as the didgeredoo in the Swedish gay porn film. Nonetheless, he practiced very hard, and became quite skilled.
Yngwie was put in a English Catholic school at a young age, so that he could develop a hatred towards them. Yngwie claims he has learned one thing, the English phrase "Fock God, Fock American Idol". This set the stage for Yngiwe's gothic development.Thus,Sventia sent Yngwie to study speed licking solos in Islamabad National University of Speed Solos.
When He Became A Goth[edit | edit source]
Yngwie had always hated God. God didn't know why, after all, he had stopped Yngwie from dying from a massive seizure while watching Pokemon. Yngwie was probably just ungrateful. He was performing at a local club when he met Snoop Dogg. It could have been any African-American man incapable of being flaccid, but Yngwie was pretty sure it really was Snoop. Snoop was the leader of the goth scene at the time, and invited him to the Worldwide Goth Peoples convention. Here he met the manager of Sony Classical Records, Steven Seagal. Steven signed him, and he began making music without pants.
Sucking Dick[edit | edit source]
He does.
Creating the World[edit | edit source]
He did.
Music Career[edit | edit source]
In 1984 he began recording his first album, Rising pile of burgers all for me, despite the fact that he didn't know how to play the guitar at all (he still doesn't). Yngwie decided that vocalists would ruin his brilliant Gothic didgeredoo playing. Instead, he hot-dogged around on his didgeredoo and made his entire album in just one recording. The album was incredibly well received. It was even nominated for an Oscar for Best Pop Vocal Performance, but lost horribly to Cowboy Charade by Brokeback Mountain, a popular J-Pop group. This defeat sent him into a spiral of depression, and in turn, provided him with many emotional songs to write. To avoid any comparison with other artist of that time, however, he decided to not record the emotional songs. Instead he shredded them and glued them together to look like a dachshund. Maybe that was his fetish. He made his second album, Marching To The Buffet seconds later.
He made his third album Nelly and the St. Lunatics in 1986. Sales were poor due to the preschooler orgy photographed on the cover. Maybe that was his fetish.
In 1987, this dude with a large beard joined the band as a vocalist. A few moments later, Yngwie was attacked by Margaret Thatcher. People feared the worst, but Yngwie disposed of all claims he was dead by saying, "Subway's new grilled chicken sandwich has ONLY 38 CARBS and has helped me obtain such a thin physique!" With the guy with the beard helping Yngwie along with his perfection of the Gothic didgeredoo, the album was quickly finished. In 1988, Yngwie released his album The Iliad. This is Yngwie’s most popular album to date, mainly because of the success of its first single "Rockin’ In The Free World". He released a few more albums before the 80’s were wiped off the face of time by Alfred Hitchcock.
Success in the 1990’s[edit | edit source]
Yngwie made quite a few albums in the early 90’s, though some were rumored to be merely pieces of salami. This rumor, along with the rising popularity of gospel bands such as Pearl Jam and Stone Temple Pilots caused him to lose a large number of his fans, and also isolated him from other Gothic didgeredoo players.
Over time, he changed record labels many, many times. Maybe that was his fetish. After many more releases, none of which appeared to be salami (or any other penis related meat for that matter), Yngwie released a record called Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. Yngwie loved this record very much. "If this record was a piece of harcore pornography, I would have ejaculated long, long ago. Really, I would have", Yngwie said in regards to the album.However It was shortly after he met and shook the hand of Ronnie James Dio that he learned to play guitar. he playing became so legendary, That god,odin, all the jesii and every single crazy ass shinto deity decided to make him one of them. so if you listen on dark nights in Sweden, you can hear a guitar didgeredoo duet racing across the sky. Yngwie Johann Wolfgang Sebastian von Malmsteen is probably the most known artist signed to Super Awesome Talent Agency founded and led by producer Eric Cartman.
Vs. Michelangelo[edit | edit source]
It is rumored that Italian artist Michelangelo of Nitro was a faster guitar player than the Malmster. In fact, he shredded so fast on his guitar that it created a wormhole so large that he could travel through time with it, allowing him to personally challenge Yngwie by traveling over 500 years. The two dueled for over 100 years. Yngwie emerged victorious after he ate Michelangelo.
Unleash the Focking Burgers[edit | edit source]
Yngwie Malmsteen talks about his braaand neeew recipe book.
“You all better go out and buy my book or I'll focking kill you, you focking guitar noobs! Buy my book or you will die a virgin, you focking shit! It's colled "Unleash the Focking Burgers". It teaches you how to be in great shape just like me and also teaches you which foods are good to eat, and which foods are GREAT to eat. This book is tha best, it is so amazing, it's worth more than your own muther!”
If you really love swedish pizzas...
Then buy his book... Or he'll fucking kill you, you fucking guitar noobs.
Perpetual Flamers Carressing My Didgeredoo[edit | edit source]
This was his latest album. he decided it was high time to get some guy on vocals who could actually sing something that people actually listen to. for this he hired the singer from Judas Priest Tim "Rupper" Owens. This album was the first from his new record label "Rising Dragonforce Pornography Records" making it only available in record stores that are run by tatooed lumberjack cult-leaders. The only person who owns this album is You. During the recording of this album, Yngwie learned how to play the steel macromophone which is actually made of titanium. However, it is only used on one track and sounds exactly like the didgeredoo. If you are reading this far you must be bored out of your FUCKING mind.
Facts[edit | edit source]
- Yngwie Malmsteen is your new God.
- Yngwie Malmsteen will fucking kill you.
- It has recently been rumored that, due to the fact that Yngwie Malmsteen's fingers move faster than ANYTHING in the known universe, he is secretly one of the worlds best gamers, and is currently using the alias of "Stefan Hurley", a swede currently living in Dublin.
- Yngwie has laid a few Sailor Senshi.
- Yngwie's hair is water-proof, radiation-proof and never moves.
- Yngwie doesn't need no fucking donuts.
- Yngwie has officially shut down three buffets.
- John Petrucci is known to be Yngwie's dog.
- Yngwie broke his own knuckle over his mother-in-law's face because she unleashed the fucking fury. He then proceeded to beat her.
- The J in Yngwie's middle name stands for "Does Anyone Have a Guitar Pick? My Middle Name is where the fuck is a guitar pick?"
- Yngwie went back in time and fathered Johann Sebastian Bach, Antonio Vivaldi and Niccolo Paganini. On the same day.
FAQs[edit | edit source]
Q: Is Yngwie human?
A: No, actually. He is a concoction of adrenalin, methamphetamines, vodka, testosterone and yo mamma.
Q: Who invented the first light bulb?
A: Yngwie's pet pig named John Pereira.
Q: Was Neil Armstrong really the first man on the moon?
A: No, it was Yngwie. He was wearing his moon boots on that day.
Q: How did the dinosaurs die out?
A: Malmsteen played a massive solo for 69 days (which was orgasmic like all of his playing). There is some dispute regarding this, however. It is also believed that Dream Theater killed the dinosaurs and that Yngwie was in a cheeseburger coma and merely thought he destroyed the dinosaurs.
Q: What scale was he playing when this happened?
A: He was playing the C augmented scale with the flattened third and sharpened fifth omitted, combined with the tones of the first inversion D minor triad.
Q: Isn't that just the C major scale?
A: Not when Yngwie plays it.
Q: What does Malmsteen eat for breakfast?
A: LARS ULRICH!!!
Discography[edit | edit source]
- Rising Bread
- Marching Out to the buffet
- Trilogy Dinner
- Foodyssey
- The Seventh Serving
- Making Lunch
- Swedish Beef
- Lunch to End All Lunches
- Deep-fried Pancakes(live album)
- Perpetual Pasta (Live at the Olive Garden)
- I'll See You Dine Tonight
- Attack! With Focking Burgers!
- Perpetual Flamers Carressing My Didgeredoo.
- Thickness of Lasagnas
- Ravenousness
- Prosciutto-bound