Maroon 5

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“I often listen to that sexy, sexy, "She Will Be Loved" song when raping starfish.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Maroon 5

“They're the rock and roll version of the Backstreet Boys.”

~ Captain Obvious on Maroon 5

“Please, stop it!”

~ Security guard being vocally molested by Levine during a robbery.

The cult's logo

The Church of the Five Maroons, also known as the Maroon Five Movement or simply Maroon 5, is a new religious movement posing as an American pop-rock band. Founded in high school in 1994, the cult primarily worships Levinism, a religion centering on the band's leader, Adam Levine. Some sources claim that Levinism states that due to his scarily-high falsetto, Levine is a descendent of an ancient god and should be worshipped as such.

In 1994, a 17-year old Adam Levine used his charisma to rope three gay men still staying in the closet into his new garage band, Kara's Flowers. It was soon clear what it really was, as the next year, it was renamed Maroon's Flowers. Soon after, he formed the cult, taking advantage of the awkwardness and loneliness present in all the members, masking it as a rebrand. After they got commercially successful in the late 2000s, they now do massive orgies weekly, making them the second gayest cult on Earth.

Members

Adam Levine

A sex god and flaming homosexual, Adam Levine is the cult's leader. For some info on him, here's his attempt at whitewashing his role in the cult in Uncyclopedia using the persona of 200.24.126.224 here.

Levine at a payphone, contacting the other members of the cult. (dated 2012)

Adam Noah Levine (born on March 18, 1979) is the lead singer/guitarist for the rock/pop group Maroon 5.

Levine was born in Los Angeles, California to Jewish American parents. He attended the private Brentwood School, where he met the orginal members of the band Kara's Flowers, Jesse Carmichael, Mickey Madden and Ryan Dusick. The band released an album in 1997 titled "The Fourth World". The album never had much success, and its only single "Soap Disco" failed. Adam used to sing in a deeper, stronger voice while he was with Kara's Flowers.

The band subsequently changed their name to Maroon 5 when the guitarist James Valentine joined. Adam's high, expressive voice helped the band to achieve much success in the music charts. Their debut album, Songs about Jane, is about Adam's ex-girlfriend, Jane, a girl who, as he says, has inspired him over the years, and most of the lyrics of the songs are inspired by their stormy relationship.

In 2005, Levine featured on the Ying Yang Twins song, "Live Again", and later appeared on Kanye West's Late Registration album, on the third single - "Heard 'Em Say". He also featured the song "Wild Horses" with Alicia Keys on her latest album "Alicia Keys - MTV Unplugged".

Adam Levine's major influences include The Beatles and Stevie Wonder, as well as The Police.

In reality, only the first sentence is true, as Levine blatantly masks his role in cults. After his dad left to buy the milk when Levine was seven years old, he developed an obsession with control, allegedly taking an interest in World War II army tactics, when he was eight. When his Bar Mitzvah took place, Levine allegedly sent "gifts" to his bullies; ten people were sent to the hospital.

Alongside his destructive tendencies, Levine took an interest in music-based warfare, buying books about fellow gay Jew George Michael, Simon and Garfunkel, Fleetwood Mac, and The Beatles to see if their voices could be used for control. However, he soon discovered that the best candidate for lyrically-based genocide was in the Bee Gees. These people's voices were so high, that according to a historian, while they were understanding "...the New York Times' effect on man...", you could "...feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin'." This intrigued the young Levine, and he'd spend the rest of his childhood gradually increasing his vocal range to destructive numbers.

Jesse Carmichael

The keyboardist and rhythm guitarist of Maroon 5, Jesse Carmichael is Adam Levine's right-hand man. Born in Boulder, Colorado less than a month after Levine, Jesse was originally a listener of classical music, making him the nerdiest of the cult. Luckily his sister saved him the Christmas when he was 13, introducing the young Jesse to grunge while giving him a guitar. Still being in the closet during this time, Jesse moved to the school where Levine was in, later becoming the latter's first follower. As a result, if he had never listened to grunge, he'd be white as well as nerdy.

James Valentine

The guitarist of the cult, James Valentine was born a year after Levine in a cult Mormon family in Nebraska. All we know about him is that he was part of a cult in 1999 which worshipped squares. Luckily in 2001, Levine seduced Valentine from the square cult and joined Kara's Flowers, causing the cult to be renamed into the Church of the Five Maroons (Maroon 5).

Other members

They're Matt Flynn, PJ Morton, and Sam Farrar. Matt does the drums, PJ's the token black guy, while Sam does instruments. As a result, the cult has six members, making the cult the largest and longest-lasting boy band in the 21st century, beating BTS, N*SYNC, and One Direction by a massive margin. According to a leaked document in 2012, Levine stated that these people were his pole, hinting that he had a massive pornography enterprise.

See also

• MTV
• Weezer
• Scientology
• Teenage angst
• UnNews:Some guy's at a payphone