Orgy

When you have an orgy, don't be selfish and only share it through painting – videotape it and post it on the interweb! Your friends will thank you.

Everything is better with friends. Cards, football, World of Warcraft, expressing our love for Stan, huffing kittens and even arson are all better with a few buddies to help. There's a reason the NBA plays five-on five as opposed to one-on-one.

Now imagine this: If sex is great one-on-one, what would it be like in a five-on-five competition? You know, with a little zone, where you pass your woman off to the guy next to you and maybe he passes his man off to you and you both keep eyeballing the dog that isn't on anyone and no one is on (yet).

Well, if that sounds like a great idea, then perhaps you would like to try an orgy. What is an orgy? Well, son, I'd like to explain it to you, but you're not going to believe me until you try it!

Let's organize an orgy!

You're sitting around work. It's a Thursday. Thursdays suck, because they remind you it is not Friday. You're looking across the room at that goth chick who always talks about Hot Topic and thinking, "Sure, she's 31 and she lives with her mom, but I'd totally hit that!"

Oh, the mom! You pig! You're already thinking about an orgy! Well, go with that.

You walk over and, you ask goth girl if she has a boyfriend, and she says yes. So, all suave and shit, you say you find that kinda'rousing. "Would you like to come to my orgy Friday at eight down at the community center? Drinks are free, and so are the rubbers." Sure enough, she slaps you.

Pretty soon, she's telling everyone at the office about your orgy! How awesome is that? Sure enough, not even fifteen minutes later, even your boss is asking about the proposed orgy. Lawyers and even police officers are asking about your orgy.

They send you home to think about tomorrow's orgy! How thoughtful of them. Man, people say a non-union business isn't good to its employees. Bullshit!

Now you have free time to organize an even better orgy, because they told you to not even bother coming into work tomorrow. This is gonna be great. Time to set your alarm and rub some saltpeter on yourself to keep the excite to a low ebb and not wear out too soon.

Congratulations. You've just organized your first orgy. Now, you're really more of a man than your friends.

Fundamentals

A lot of people don't know how to put together a good orgy. They try to convince some of their friends to join, but they end up just batting off in the corner of the bedroom while their buddy bangs his girlfriend.

Don't let that happen to you.

• Invite all your family members you know, even though in some states this might be illegal.
• Tell your friends there's a barbecue ... IN YOUR PANTS!
• Never pay. Settle for skank before paying. Remember, orgies are tasteless and demeaning. It makes no difference what your partners look like as long as they're from the same animal family as you. The same genus is good, and the same species is even better!
• Invite your parents. Any couple that's been together this long has probably been to an orgy or two. It's just basic math!
• Don't ever pass up a chance to let horseplay turn into an orgy. Everyone has a slip and fall "accident" every now and then!
• Workplace cafeteria's are great places to organize an orgy, but the lighting is too bright for the kind of people a pick-up orgy is likely to draw. Take it to the boiler room if possible, or that large empty and sunny space on the roof.
• Never forget your rohypnol! Your girlfriend will say she wants to try an orgy, right up until she sees the fat hairy man in a leather mask. Knock her out! She'll thank you later.
• Never have an orgy with nothing but beginners. You need experience, because Orgies for Dummies is not a thorough book by any measure.
• Don't be intimidated by the other guys' penis size. The women will thank you for your small penis when you're done with your anal dance.
• Never wear a condom. Orgies are about sharing – warts and all!
• Invite people you don't know. (Orgies are for sharing the love to everyone!) Invite your teacher from elementary school, that old man from across the street, those hookers in that dirty alley, that Asian guy that doesn't know how to speak proper English ...

How many?

One: That's not an orgy, it's masturbation.

Two: not even. Traditional humping.

Three: technically an orgy but not a very good one. Threesomes are fun for a while, but they always turn into a twosome with somebody just hanging out.

Four: Nope. Two two's, even with occasional switching.

Five: Better – everybody has fun and nobody's crowded.

Six: Getting there, but still just three two's.

Seven: PERFECT! Simultaneous twosomes, threesomes, and even foursomes are possible, and MMMFFFF is a nice heterosexual balance.

This orgy is going a bit slow. These poor slobs need some marijuana to lighten the mood. But did they have marijuana in Star Wars? I don't know!

In history

As long as there have been people, there have been orgies. Early fossil remains from sites around the world indicate that prior to the advent of television, orgies were the third leading form of recreation after drinking and (fisting).

The Greeks did it; they even say that the world began in a massive orgy between Arceus, Kronos, Chaos, and Mewtwo. The Romans did a lot of it. The Hebrews claim they didn't, but we got them really drunk one night, and they said they TOTALLY FUCKING DID! Even the Amish have orgies. Odds are, a few branches of your genome are the product of a few of your ancestors getting busy like cats in an alley!

Orgies are also common on an interplanetary scale. The Martians have been known to spend their entire lives getting high off water, having massive orgies, and eating each other both literally and figuratively. A human was once raised among these Martians and sent to live with on Earth to teach us the ways of the orgy, the story of which is told in an extremely lame book.