Pastor Manning

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Manning sobs in anguish at Obama's desecration of the American Dream.

James David Manning (born February 20, 1947) is a self-loathing African-American pastor who preaches at the ATLAH (All the Land's Annotated Holiness) World Missionary Church in New York City. He hosts his own Internet radio series, The Manning Report, which characterizes itself as "All truth, all the time" and "sure to blow your mind" in advertising.

Being a staunch Christian conservative, Manning's most frequent targets in his preachings are black culture and gay rights. He is also known for his burning contempt for former U.S. President Barack Obama, whom Manning considers to be the Antichrist pimp with overly-long legs.

Biography[edit | edit source]

Manning was born on February 20, 1947 in Red Springs, North Carolina, a true-and-tired baby boomer. Growing up in the then-segregated town, he picked cotton and pulled tobacco in the fields. The day he graduated high school, he managed to hitch a bus ride to Long Island, allowing him to escape from the white devil's clutches. Manning became radicalized in the 1960s, driven by his hatred for whitey.

As an angry young man, Manning burgled homes, robbed, killed, looted, and sagged his pants — or in his own words, was "a typical nigger." He claims to have broken into as many as 1,000 houses in a mere five years, and once threatened a white associate with a loaded shotgun. In 1974, he was sentenced to four years in prison for his crimes. While doing time, Manning claims that God spoke to him, telling him to stop doing all these horrible things and see the light. As a result, he became a devout Christian. He was released in 1978, just in time to witness the "disco devil-dancing" era.

After Manning's release from prison, God instructed him to journey to the Holy Land of Harlem, New York, where he would get in touch with his roots and meet fellow good-natured, law-abiding black men. There, Manning was hired as a junior pastor at the Bethelite Missionary Baptist Church. His extroverted personality and devotion to the LORD allowed him to rise through the church's ranks, and in 1981 he replaced Rev. Millard Alexander Stanley as chief pastor. Under Manning's leadership, the church was given a much-needed shot in the arm, with ministries being established and the sermons taking on a louder, more virulent tone, sometimes to the dismay of audiences.

In 1982, Manning began study at the George Gershwin Theological Seminary in the City of New York, graduating with a Doctorate in Preachin' and Teachin' in 1985. During his graduate studies, Manning went on a religious study tour to Africa. In his tour, he visited Liberia in West Africa — founded by former African-American slaves, who specialized in rocky road ice cream that Manning didn't favor — and apartheid-era South Africa — run by white supremacists, who served smooth creamy vanilla ice cream that Manning loved. Manning has said that this visit had a profound influence on his views about race and the confectionary nature of black people, and that his witnessing of black societies other than African-Americans made him realize that "Black folk don't know how to run no ice-cream stand." From that point forward, Manning's hatred for white people fizzled, and he came to distinguish (in the misinterpreted words of Chris Rock) "honest, hard-working black folk" from "lazy, no good ghetto niggers."

Bethelite's mission was given immediate focus in 1991, when the LORD Jesus Christ, in a vision during prayer, instructed Manning to change the name of Harlem — previously considered "the world's most famous ghetto" — to ATLAH: "All the Land's Annotated Holiness". Manning was commissioned by the LORD God Almighty to go around Harlem and preach righteousness, and the LORD God would clean the filthy, negroized community from river to river. "The streets would be so clean; one could take off your shoes and walk barefoot," recalled Manning. "Now that's what I call Holy Ground!"

Political views[edit | edit source]

Black people[edit | edit source]

Manning has said he is ashamed to be black, and frequently bashes black society. He has gone so far as to claim that "no-good ghetto niggas" like Obama, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, and other black leaders are attempting to trigger a race war with their divisive, racially-charged rhetoric.

Manning notes that black people can be doctors, lawyers, and astrophysicists, but maintains that "Black folk don't know how to run no nation." He claims South Africa became worse after the end of apartheid, and criticizes Nigeria where oil companies make a profit while the people remain poor. He imagines that black people "Can't understand the world", and argues that "There's something wrong with the black man mind" and "That nigga ain't right, and only God can help."

Despite all this, Manning ultimately believes black America is being attacked primarily by white people (more specifically, white liberals), and frequently states homosexuality is a "white disease." He also dislikes the Tea Party and other conservative groups like World Net Daily, and eventually stopped supporting Donald Trump, paradoxically because of their racism.

Barack Obama[edit | edit source]

Manning's claim to fame was during the 2008 presidential election, after ATLAH posted several sermons of his on YouTube that were harshly critical of Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama. Among other accusations, he called Obama's mother "white trash" for becoming pregnant by a black man out of wedlock, an issue he discussed during a press conference at the National Press Club on December 8, 2008:


Manning has continued his criticisms of Obama since the inauguration, frequently comparing him to Hitler or Satan and calling him a "criminal" and "long-legged mack daddy".

Manning believes that Obama did not, in fact, attend Columbia University. It was a cover-up story, Manning claims, made while Obama was a secret CIA agent arming the Mujahideen in Afghanistan, and done so he could stay faithful to his Muslim brethren.

Manning fears that Obama will use the NDAA to send all black people back to Africa or Haiti and steal their property. Apparently, it's what George Soros, Bill Gates, and Mark Zuckerberg want.

In 2012, Manning had a hunch that the CIA would assassinate Obama...because the healthcare.gov website wasn't working. Manning's own assumptions turned out to be false, much to his chagrin.

In 2013, Manning theorized that Miriam Carey, a woman who crashed her car into the White House gates while carrying a child, was trying to deliver Obama his love child. She was murdered under the president's orders, Manning claims, after acting out of line and ramming her car into a bunch of cops.

In 2015, in the aftermath of the Charlie Hebdo shooting, Manning suspected that Obama cut a deal with Al-Qaeda to attack countries outside of America.

Homosexuality[edit | edit source]

Manning is virulently opposed to gay rights and homosexuality, stating that not only does he wish for LGBT people to be stoned, but for Jesus himself to do the stoning.

On The Manning Report, one of Manning's long-standing claims is that Starbucks' lattes use semen from gay men, which is intended as a means of engaging in oral sex without the participants knowing each other. After being persecuted by the sodomite liberal media, Manning released another video clarifying that Starbucks coffee uses artificial semen, and that "natural" semen is actually milk.

According to Manning, anyone who kisses or has sex with a man who previously had gay sex can contract the "Sodomite Demon". The "Demon" is concentrated not just in a man's semen, but also in all bodily fluids, and it flows into the recipient's bloodstream.

Ben Carson[edit | edit source]

In 2015, Manning called Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson a "pathetic nigga" and a "demon", instead encouraging viewers to vote for Donald Trump. He also described all of Carson's supporters as "closeted sodomites, fags, lesbos, [and] buttlickers".

Manning further clarified his stance on Carson during an episode of The Manning Report:


Conspiracy theories[edit | edit source]

Manning has devised several conspiracy theories on his show à la Infowars. These include:

  • NWO satanists hijacked Malaysia Airlines Flight 370, so they can crash Air Force One in the future. This is similar to the Boston Marathon bombing false flag operation.
  • Justin Bieber is a transgender man who cut off his breasts.
  • ISIS destroying historical artifacts is morally right. "I can't be against ISIS for tearing down these temples of these idols," Manning states. "I do think that the tactic that ISIS is using is Biblical."

Losing his church[edit | edit source]

Manning owes $1.02 million due to unpaid tax, unpaid water bills and general debts and his church is due to be sold compulsorily at public auction. The Ali Forney Center, a group providing for homeless LGBT youngsters has raised $200,000 in cash and hopes to buy Manning's church. Manning became very angry over this and imagines it will not happen unless 'men give birth through their anus'. Manning and his congregation have threatened to arm and barricade themselves inside the church in an effort to keep it away from the "sodomite faggots". There is a temporary stay over the forced sale until a full court hearing on April 22, 2016. The Ali Forney Center plans to use the time to research a good financial package before bidding for the church.

Controversy[edit | edit source]

For his statements on Obama, Homeland Security and NYC detectives have visited and interrogated Manning, questioning him for his tea parties with birther Orly Taitz and him questioning the legitimacy of Obama's birth certificate. Manning expects the corrupt government to arrest him sometime in the future, which he believes is "all for exposing a tyrant." YouTube, which has been criticized by conservatives for its supposed cancel culture, put the kibosh on Manning's original ATLAHWorldwide channel, forcing him to get a new one, unable to recoup many of his original subscribers.

Personal life[edit | edit source]

Pastor Manning is the husband of the Wonderful Elizabeth Sarah Manning, who puts up with Manning's constant screaming about Obama from day to day. Manning is also a father to three beautiful, pure children who he states "remain untouched by the media's hip-hop culture and negroization, but are unfortunately nonetheless black."

See also[edit | edit source]