Jyllands-Posten Muhammad cartoons controversy
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“Hey! Put down that torch!”
The Jyllands-Posten Muhammad cartoons controversy began after the Danish government funded and created scatheing cartoons depicting our beloved Muhammad (Piss be upon him) on Safar 26, 1426 AH. The Danish public quickly began a mass distribution of these. Not only do they contain an image of Muhammad, a sin far more dangerous than killing children in buses, they also took advantage of the relative mystery of the religion of Islam, leading many in the world to get a false impression of the peace-loving religion. God willing, we will hunt these people down and kill them.
Background[edit | edit source]
In late 2004, a Danish newspaper ran a series of cartoons depicting the Prophet Muhammed in an unflattering light to prove that freedom of speech never ever leads to people overreacting. Some people were offended by these cartoons as, in their particular take on Islam, it is bad mojo to depict Muhammad in pictures, drawings and paintings - as that could lead to idolatry.[1] It's even worse than depicting Charlie Brown trying to kick a football, which itself is not funny at all.
While no one idolized the drawings, one guy laughed a little while the rest simply furrowed their previously unfurrowed brows, as most of the comics were, to be polite, either dumb or in bad taste, or both. Just like television!
Various Islamist groups promptly decried the cartoons, six months after they were published. They also protested three extra pictures that hadn't been in the Danish newspaper, including a picture of a man with a fake beard and a pig nose at a pig-squealing contest in France, as it's well known that the 7th century prophet had a particular dislike for French pig-squealing contests, after losing one while on a childhood trip to Marseille due to his inability to squeal en français. To prove that all Muslims are at least as peaceful as Crusade-era Christians, a tiny minority of them (most of the Middle East and Indonesia - only 40 million people or so) decided to reconcile with the Danish, and by extension "the west", by burning shit up and generally just making asses of themselves. Remarkably, in this they resemble a well armed frat house on frosh week. "Go Delta Pi Omega! Death to the infidels!". In other, more peaceful demonstrations, protestors carried signs that read Behead those who say Islam is not a peaceful religion! and John 3:16.
Well, maybe not the second one.
Salman Rushdie, from his bunker deep under parts unknown, released an email stating that he was in no way involved with the publication of any of the cartoons, the numerous reprints, nor of their wide dispersal on the interweb. The aftermath of the drawings was such that a Danish government official, in an interview on "Good Morning Tehran", had to repeatedly explain why he just couldn't have the people who made the drawings hanged...
Denmark later attempted to put out the fires by publishing a new cartoon. This unfortunately stoked the flames even further, as paper from Denmark is widely known to be by far the most burnable paper on Earth. It is the paper equivalent of the American Flag.
Knowledge versus Ignorance[edit | edit source]
It should be noted that the Middle East was once the center of the most advanced quasi-secular empire of its time, inventing or rediscovering pretty much everything that "the west" had forgotten during the dark ages.
The knowledge, wealth and power of the Middle East steadily grew while population of "the west" was still emptying bedpans into the street, the majority of whom were convinced that their zealous and jealous God (from the only book that was kosher to read, even if most couldn't) could strike them and others down for even minor variance from His rather harsh take on justice.
Later, while the infidels were replacing mandatory ignorance with the Spanish Inquisition (recently replacing with the wilful ignorance of television), the Middle East was replacing knowledge with a combination of their own brand of old-school dumbassitude and holding a grudge over the Crusades.
Soon they'll all get TVs, and with that will come "Fox's: When Heretics Attack!".
Perhaps we aren't so different after all.
Response[edit | edit source]
Economic impact[edit | edit source]
The flag manufacturing industry has received a great boost in profits during the past month, as Danish flags are at an all time high in demand. In the Middle-East, while typically used to stocking American and Israeli flags, shop owners were pleasantly surprised when Denmark became as popular.
An increase in sales of brown colouring pencils was also seen. Prior to the recent scandal, the patriarchs and matriarchs of the colouring pencil world were enjoying an unprecedented rule of all things colour+pencil related. The hierarchy was as follows: Blue: King; Red: Queen; Green: Prince; Yellow: Princess. The other colours occupied according positions on what has come to be regarded as an anachronistic feudal metaphor system (although the recent "Communist" and "Fascist" schemes heavily favoured red and black ("Not a colour"-My Primary School Teacher) until the formation of a Gay Rainbow state, there is little hope of true equality). However, inspired by the cartoons it is brown, the bastard step child of the pencil tin that has now staged a coup, currently rivalling only red for control of the visible portion of the electromagnetic spectrum in the paper locality. Many are concerned, although it has been pointed out that white is still very much in charge by default.
In honor of the Danish cartoon massacre the bin Franklin Mint produced a limited-edition commemorative plate of the cartoon that started it all.
Islamic World[edit | edit source]
Outraged, Islamists from across the world have joined hands and together, demanded a peaceful solution to this international crisis. Acting on their own free will, citizens have joined together in non state-mandated protests in such famous outlets for political gatherings as Damascus, Beirut, and Tehran.
Western World[edit | edit source]
With news of Islamic protests reaching the West, the general reaction has been to surrender to Islam. France has already been renamed the Dhimmi Republic of France, with the dhimmi dollar as their new currency. Even the Germans, who are always at war with the world for no apparent reason, have decided that submission is the best course of action. Bill Clinton has converted to Islam and declared holy jihad on the United States. Hillary Clinton's advisors have denied any possibility of a conversion, but it is generally accepted that she will convert to Islam for the next election.
Meanwhile in other parts of the world, more cartoons have been published. These new drawing have offended the easily offended, and bored and confused everyone else. Interpreters and misinterpreters of the Koran have seen (or at least been told of) other comics that may or may not deserve some form of Fatwa advocating the severe and fatal tickling of the infidels involved. Just to be safe they're leaning toward the terminal tickling.
"Sons of Abraham" World Tour to Fight Intolerance[edit | edit source]
In 2006 "The Prophets of Rock" (Moses, Jesus Christ and Muhammed) took their act on a 136 city worldwide tour to preach tolerance for followers of other religions (tolerance for followers of the big three monotheistic ones, anyway).
Rolling Stone reports that to close the final concert of the tour, "Live at Temple Mount", the three sang "You're so Vain (I bet you think this Psalm is about you)" and there wasn't a dry eye in the house. This didn't stop the audience from rioting. Indeed, the rioting there was worse than at any of the other cities in the tour. Of course, it's tough to tell whether the concert was at fault or whether it was just another night in Jerusalem.
Riots before, during and after each and every concert sullied the events somewhat, but in the end over six million dollars had been raised to fight the real enemy; secular humanism.