Blowjob
“Love is a sacrament that should be taken kneeling.”
The blowjob is a revolutionary invention and birth control method. The purpose of the invention was for a male's mate (preferably a woman) to pleasure the male without any repercussions. In ancient times, this "gift of the gods" was not simply given to the male by his mate, but was typically given by a distributor (prostitute). Such a gift was not free though, so males usually paid in stones which was used by the distributors to survive.
In the modern days, such transactions are similar. Present-day women who perform these tasks are called whores or sluts (prostitutes minus the need for payment), and are "tipped" with the legal tender of the jurisdiction, e.g. cigarettes and mouthwash.
Disadvantages[edit | edit source]
There are very few disadvantages to the blowjob, unless of course you are in the process of giving one or you wish to consider the feelings of the person giving you one. Since neither scenario is likely, the disadvantages can be summarized neatly.
- Avoid brace-faces If you are on the lookout for a suitable candidate avoid those with braces. Or tongue piercings, sweet god the pain!
- No sharp teeth Avoid animals with sharp teeth. Certain animal rights groups might advise you to avoid animals entirely, but especially those with sharp teeth.
- Condoms Contrary to the beliefs of some, the sperm will not survive the trip through the digestive system. You also can't contract AIDS or any of the harmful STI's.
- Reciprocating Your girl may want or even expect something in return. The nerve! Simply pretending to be too tired to go on will maybe get you out of any commitment and probably any hopes of a real relationship. Win some, lose some.
- Being a dick Whilst it may be tempting to call the woman or man blowing you a whore, it is easy to forget they can have a little nibble at the tip. Can be avoided by going to a nursing home for your blowjobs.
History[edit | edit source]
Blowjobs were invented in the 17th century by the Irish who were notorious for having more children than they could afford to feed, resulting in generations of impoverished families, child slaves and famine. Being Catholics, contraception was completely out of the question. Although Vatican officials did suggest the idea of Abstinence it has been widely documented that all the men did was laugh. Pioneers of the time experimented with the ideas of vasectomy as a means of loop-holing the Church's rules, but since anesthesia was not due for discovery for almost 200 more years, the idea quickly fell though.
Other means were tried such as sticking it in the butt (failed due to personal hygiene not being discovered) or between the tits (failed due to being Irish) until one day an elderly priest was walking down the street with his fly open and a local boy, not watching where he was going, ran into his exposed cock. Struggling to conceal his erection, the priest ran.
Opponents[edit | edit source]
Feminists[edit | edit source]
With the invention of feminism in the 20th century, women began using pregnancy as a means of committing or even trapping their man in a relationship either so nobody else could have them or as an investment to milk them of 50% of the assets further on down the track. Obviously, this did not sit well with the powers that be and so blowjobs became one of the key methods for stemming the flow of entrapment contracts.
Obviously the feminists were quick to retaliate, creating picket signs like "ban the blow" and "blow leaves not dicks".
Your mom[edit | edit source]
It's a well known fact that your mom gives the best damn blowjobs money or indeed crack cocaine can buy. When other women started learning the secrets of the art form she feared that it made impact on her sales on three fiddy blowjobs. This section is really not supposed to be funny it's just an excuse to include a reference to your mother because, let's be real, it just wouldn't be a blowjob article if it didn't contain at least one "your mom" joke.
Boys[edit | edit source]
Allegations of opposition were found to be unfounded.
Atheism and oral sex[edit | edit source]
Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchen, Micheal Shermer and especially talk show host Bill Maher, respectively, enjoy discussing blowjobs on television and public speaking events. They claim "blowjobs are a gift from our evolutionary past and that we must therefore continue to follow suit in the evolutionary "tradition" of cock sucking and sperm consumption in order to ensure the advancement of the human genome." In reality he was just hoping that line might incite the cutie in row 17 of the audience to suck him off out the back of the studio.
Atheotardy (non belief in the self-caused cosmogonic personhood-bearer ex nihilo) is a philosophy (of the atheotard) which evolutionarily legitimizes that and many other smutty jobs.
As much as the religious priests including the Pope are against female on male and especially male on male blowjobs, the atheists have found it pleasing to learn that the Church is not entirely opposed extremely controversial child on male blowjob.
Blowjobs and marriage[edit | edit source]
In recent studies, it has been found that blowjobs are pretty much seldom found after marriage and that after kids they are about as elusive as the Lochness monster or a sober Irishman. Some men and indeed women do find it easy to work around this and bring blowjobs back into their life through the ancient art of cheating, often with another married person. It is a known fact that if you ever went to get blown or laid for that matter ever again you should never, ever get married.
In some more extreme cases, calling for even more desperate measures, men have been known to dislocate bones and have ribs removed so they can engage in the art of Autofellatio, the act of sucking one's own dick. Autofellatio can be a symptom of narcissism, insufficient protein intake or simply doing it because you had a drunken bet with someone who said "bet you can't suck your own dick".
Variations[edit | edit source]
- blown job or failatio: When something doesn't work as planned.
- blow vacation: To spend recklessly for paid non-oral sex, but annoyingly leaving without full seminal evacuation.
