Kid Rock

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Artist's rendition of planned Kid Rock Monument, scheduled for completion in 2024.

Robert James "Little" Ritchie-Rich (born January 17, 1971), known by his stage name Kid Rock, is an American rock star, gospel singer-songwriter, and superhero with five Justice League of America all-star nominations.

Rock has been active in music and crime-fighting since his toddler years in the early 1970s, and reached his peak popularity in the late 1990s and early 2000s. However, his career suffered a setback in September 2001 when he failed to prevent the World Trade Center bombing, but has since experienced somewhat of a revival in the late 2000s and early 2010s with his capture of Osama bin Laden and his theft of Lynyrd Skynyrd's hit song "Sweet Home Alabama".

Early life[edit | edit source]

Young Kid Rock on tour with his uncles in ZZ Top circa 1973.

Ritchie-Rich was born on January 17, 1971 in Detroit, Michigan to The Rock, a semi-pro wrestler and actor-wannabe, and Susan Ritchie-Rich. His extended family was well-established in the music and superhero industries; his uncles included Captain America and each of the members of ZZ Top. He has four siblings: Kidd Video and each of the Beastie Boys. Ritchie-Rich found the music scene in Detroit to be too "gangsta" and longed for small-town American rock in the vein of hit singers like John Mellencamp and Bruce Springsteen. The high levels of crime in his native Detroit (leading to the murder of his father, Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson) also encouraged him to take on a superhero role, much like Bruce Wayne became Batman.

After his father's murder in 1973, young Ritchie-Rich took on the alias of Kid Rock and was unofficially adopted by his uncles in ZZ Top. He learned to play the guitar and was soon touring with ZZ Top on national sets. His career almost ended before it started when, as a toddler, he appeared on the Dick Clark show and gave Clark the finger, telling him to "fuck off."

Kid Rock's Senior picture during his "normal" phase in high school.

After a young childhood of stardom, Kid Rock began to long for life as a "normal teen." His High school years saw him withdraw from the public eye and commit himself to the school stage, appearing in drag in high school musical productions of The Rocky Horror Picture Show and Rent. Still, during this time he prided himself on living a "normal" life and was always seen dressed conservatively in a shirt and tie, without facial hair, when off the stage.

Career[edit | edit source]

1990–97: Gospel years[edit | edit source]

Kid Rock's second gospel album was a commercial flop.

In 1990, Kid Rock released his debut album Jesus Is My Auto Insurance as a profession of his Christian faith, and as a protest against a Michigan law mandating that all drivers carry car insurance. Christ Almighty Records ended up not pushing the album, though it still gained infamy when the radio station WZUP-FM of Mobile, Alabama was fined $123,234,700 by the FCC for playing the song "Christ's Eternal Love Is Better Than a Blowjob." At the time it was the largest fine ever placed on a radio station.

Christ Almighty Records freed Kid Rock from his contract in 1991 after the release of two more (unsuccessful) gospel albums. Once back in Detroit, he would become friends with Captain Autofellatio after battling his brother Captain Atheist in a freestyle Gospel competition. Captain Autofellatio would eventually become Kid Rock's fluffer until he went solo full time in 2000. The two also combined to become a lethal crime-fighting duo.

1997–2002: Superhero years[edit | edit source]

Kid Rock was literally caught with his pants down during the attack on the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001.

In 1997, Kid Rock adopted his crime-fighting superhero uniform of an American Flag poncho and committed himself to tackling the growing threat from Islam and the Abode of War. He personally deflected a terrorist attack on the Holocaust Museum in Washington, D.C. in 1998, and went on to thwart more than a dozen other terrorist plots in the remaining years of the last millennium, garnering praise from the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the Federal Communications Commission, and the Justice League of America. During this time, an adoring public called for devotion of public funds to a Kid Rock monument meant to rival Mount Rushmore, and top artists were contracted to begin plans for the iconic memorial.

Unfortunately for Kid Rock, he became distracted by all of the media attention and failed to notice the rising threat from Osama bin Laden and Al-Qaeda. On September 11, 2001, Al-Qaeda carried out the most devastating attack ever on American soil when they hijacked passenger airliners and slammed them into the Twin Towers in the city of New York, all while Kid Rock was taking a massive dump on the toilet. The public was outraged and called for Kid Rock's head along with that of Osama bin Laden. Then-President George W. Bush publicly proclaimed that he would have to invade Iraq, "no thanks to Kid Rock."

Kid Rock attempted to salvage his public image by rescuing kittens from trees and engaging in public service announcements throughout the rest of 2001 and into early 2002, to no avail. By the end of 2002, he had hung up his superhero American Flag poncho and gone into hiding.

2003–07: Fugitive years[edit | edit source]

Kid Rock literally dropped off the map from 2003 to 2007. He had no cell phone, no beeper, no fixed address, and no contact with the outside world whatsoever (although he continued to release records from undisclosed locations through straw men). Conspiracy theorists spread rumors that Kid Rock had been in league with Al-Qaeda and the Islamic news network Al-Jazeera reported that Kid Rock was hiding out in a cave with Osama bin Laden in Pakistan. Soon enough, however, the world would learn the truth.

2008–present: Southern rock pastiche years[edit | edit source]

Kid Rock in superhero garb, singing and fighting crime.

In 2008, Kid Rock started his "Rip Off Classic Southern Rock" era off by releasing his soon-to-be-hit-single "All Summer Long", which is basically a remix and straight-up rip off of Lynyrd Skynyrd's 1974 hit rock song, "Sweet Home Alabama." Kid Rock's genius with the song lay in recording a remembrance of his "normal" white trash high school days of smoking "funny things" by a lake in Michigan. On the positive side, the song won 11 Grammy Awards; on the negative side, it also in earned Kid Rock a place in the Rock and Roll Hall of Shame.

Kid Rock also staged a comeback in his superhero career when, in the Spring of 2011, he single-handedly airdropped himself into a not-so-secret compound in Pakistan and arrested Osama bin Laden for war crimes and crimes against humanity. Thanks to Kid Rock, Osama Bin Laden will now face trial in The Hague before an international tribunal of jurists.

Kid Rock is currently writing songs for his successor to "All Summer Long." What is more, the American public has once again fallen in love with Kid Rock, and plans for a national monument to his greatness have been resumed. One thing is now for certain: Kid Rock has earned a permanent place in the pantheon of American Rock Heroes.

Musical style and influences[edit | edit source]

Kid Rock's musical style ranges from Gospel to 1970's Southern Rock Rip-Off. As discussed above, a monument to Kid Rock is currently planned to be constructed. It will be on the opposite side of Mount Rushmore.

Personal life[edit | edit source]

In 2001, Kid Rock began dating actress Pamela Anderson. They later got married in a surprise wedding in July 2006 after it was reported Anderson had been roofied by Kid Rock and was pregnant. They divorced 5 months later because Rock wanted to live in Detroit (like virtually all rock stars and superheros) and Anderson wanted to live in Gary, Indiana. Kid Rock is reportedly sterile and thus has no children.

Sex tape[edit | edit source]

Kid Rock and Supreme Court Justice Sandra Bullock appear in a sex tape from 1999 in which the two have sex with four midgets. The tape itself has been suppressed by the Justice League of America and no one had seen it (and lived to tell about it) since 2004.

Discography[edit | edit source]

  • 1990: Jesus is My Auto Insurance
  • 1993: Christ is Coming and So Am I
  • 1996: Jesus is My Pimp
  • 1998: Jesus is My Devil
  • 2000: Christ Is the Rock and Roll
  • 2001: Mohamed and Christ: Best Friends Forever
  • 2010: All Summer Long

See Also[edit | edit source]