Bruce Springsteen
“Ooh, I’d dance in his dark!”
Renowned physicist and philanthropist, lizard, and musician Dr. Bruce Springsteen was born (with an unfortunate under bite) on January 13, 1973, in Asbury Park, North Jarklin, Australia. In his book, String Theory and the Numeration of Music, he investigates how strings can be used in music. In Bloom County he is known as "The Piano Man" because of his experiments with piano penetralia.
It is said that sales of Levi's™ jeans went through the roof on the release of the Bruce Springsteen album, Born in the USA, because it showed him wearing them on the cover. The truth however is far different. It was in fact Red Nose Day; in keeping with tradition Americans refused to wear red things, and over the next week more people bought Levis because they weren't red.
Biography
Most remarkably, Dr. Springsteen unwittingly got into a nationally televised pie eating contest in 1981 with rival musician John Mellencamp, which spawned both their music careers. In 1984 he released the album Is This Belt Ugly or What? where he attempted to answer Cougar's challenge of pie consumption supremacy. Around this time critics began to notice similarities between Springsteen and Bob Dylan, earning Springsteen the nickname "The Bruce Springsteen of the 80s". Dr. Springsteen has been on tour promoting Is This Belt Ugly or What? since 1984 and calculates that he will break even by 2032. He plans on ending the final concert with a puppet show about math.
Springsteen is famous for his lengthy tours with the G-String Band, which has served as his backing band for over thirty years. It is widely recognized that without Springsteen, they would all be unemployed or possibly peddling watches on a New York City street corner. The Big Man is especially beloved by fans, possibly due to his ability to simultaneously play the saxophone and bust trusts. Although Springsteen has not recorded an album with the G-String Band since 2002, rumors persist that he will turn to his compatriots once again for his next trip into a recording studio. He plans to follow up The Seeger Sessions, his folk-themed tribute to Pete Seeger, with The Seger Sessions, a balls-to-the-wall homage to Bob Seger. Studio time for the planned third album in the trilogy is also in the process of being scheduled. The Saget Sessions will represent a turning point in Springsteen's career as he finally pays tribute to comedy legend Bob Saget.
It is a well-known fact that Bruce Springsteen is the Jesus of adult-contemporary-medium-light rock music. He died for the souls of light-rockers everywhere, and returned again, three days after his crucifixion, to bring the grace of light rock back to our souls. Hits like "Glory days", "Dancing in the Dark" and "Born in the U.S.A" are such amazing light rock hits that a mere mortal could not have possibly created these masterpieces. It must have been the grace of God, shining through the Boss which inspired these amazingly creative melodies. We can only hope that the light of God continues to shine through his second son, Bruce Springsteen. It's not God's fault that he made Springsteen so much cooler than Jesus, he just loves him more. And who can blame him? However, being completely benevolent, Jesus doesn't hold this against his brother Bruce. Rather, he realizes what God sees as so great in the Boss, and Jesus acknowledges that he just can't compete! Nonetheless, in typical fashion, Jesus continues to bestow his brotherly love on Springsteen, his one and only true brother.
It is believed that the light rock god was partly responsible for the American Revolution against the British Empire. Springsteen along with Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, and John Hancock sat down on July 4, 1776, and wrote the Declaration of Independance. Contrary to popular belief, it is believed that following the "Senators Sessions", Springsteen was inspired to write the masterpiece "Born in the USA" with the help of the forefathers. Springsteen was also a force on the battlefields, having single handedly defeating the British in several battles with the might of his easy listening guitar sounds, macho grunts, and passionate lyrics. The Boss was a working-class hero even in those days and, despite being elected to be the first president of the United States, he kept working nine-to-five as a blacksmith. Along with his work and music, he was the mayor of Yourhometown, New York, before rising to his first stint of superstardom in the 1850s.
Perhaps one of Springsteen's grandest accomplishments, along with Abraham Lincoln, the two pushed for the abolishment of slavery. Springsteen wasn't sure at first, because he traded many slaves (it was one of his hobbies) but he eventually agreed. He then proceeded to write "Dancing in the Dark" in commemoration of the freed slaves. And to celebrate this glorious event, Springsteen and the G String band played an 18-hour acoustic set to a packed cottonfield in Georgia. The audience, however, weren't sure what to make of such an icon, but they respected his dancing skills and honesty.
Recently an unprecedented discovery involving Bruce Springstein was made in the field of archaeology: ancient engravings depicting irresistible images of the world's most sizzling light rock star. This is the genuine pre-historic artwork itself, shown in its authentic original location, on the ancient cave wall itself. These breathtaking results lead one to believe one of three scenarios, all of which attest to the magnificent easy-listening power wielded by The Boss. The Boss may have used his super light-rocking powers to transport back through time and give the neanderthals a spark of the greatest concert ever – his. In this case, Springsteen would certainly be responsible for the invention of fire, language, reason and the wheel. This scenario, however, is the least likely considering innumerable paradoxes.
Another possibility is that Springsteen is immortal, and simply inspired a caveman to draw his image ten thousand years ago. This scenario is incredibly plausible considering Bruce's endowment with innumerable god-like qualities. The final possibility is that our caveman was himself a prophet, who saw ten thousand years into the future, fulfilling his destiny as the greatest adult contemporary light-rock star who would ever walk the earth.
Hidden artifacts
- 1973: Greetings from Ass Berry Park
- 1974: The Committed, The Insane, & The E Street Sanatorium!
- 1975: Born to Fuck
- 1978: Niggers on the Edge of Town
- 1980: I Drowned Your Baby in the River
- 1982: Compton
- 1984: Banned in The U.S.A.
- 1987: Tunnel Of Love ... After Dark
- 1992: Gross Sexual Misconduct
- 1992: Town Fugitive
- 1995: The Ghost of JonBenet Ramsay
- 1995: Greatest Shits
- 2002: The Bulge ... Rising
- 2005: The Devil Introduced Me to Cocaine
- 2006: I Shall Overcome: The San Quentin Sessions
- 2007: That "Special Magic"
- 2009: Sweet Dreams Are Made of: Bruce Springsteen!
- 2012: Cock N' Balls
Gallery
This is the very caveman who drew the boss ... the pen really is mightier than the sword!
The actual painting, on the very wall
String theory, or something
