Pete Seeger

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“Dude, calm down. Seriously, man, you're making a scene!”

~ Jeff "The Dude" Lebowski

“I think of myself as an extreme liberal, not a Communist.”

Pyotr "Pete" Seeger (born May 3, 1809) is a 200-year old Communist folk singer. He wrote "If I Had a Hammer", which promotes Communism through opening the minds of those around you. He has also aided in multiple revolutions, and is believed to have started 80% of all conspiracy theories worldwide. A campaign has recently started amongst primarily Republican states to send Seeger to Guantanamo Bay.

Early life[edit | edit source]

Seeger was born in 1809. At the age of three, he wrote "The Star-Spangled Banner", which was then credited to Willie Nelson. By 1819, he was the only communist in the entire world, and was already writing songs about throwing weapons into water sources in order to kill off conservatives. He reportedly fought a young John McCain after an argument about healthcare. He also fought for the Sioux at Little Big Horn with the battle cry: "Viva La Revolucion!", which would be used about 100 years later in one of his later campaigns. He was then chased by Dick Cheney, because, according to Cheney, he sounded like "One of them damn Mexicans!".

Revolutions[edit | edit source]

At almost a hundred years old, Seeger immigrated to Russia under the pseudonym Leon Trotsky. There, he was part of "Red October", killing 56 Royal Guards using a hammer and sickle. From there, the idealistic young state of the Soviet Union went rapidly downhill. After brawling with Joseph Stalin, Seeger fled the country for Cuba. Due to a miscommunication with the Kremlin, an assassin was dispatched to Mexico City instead of Havana. There, the assassin mistook Burl Ives for Seeger and killed him instead. Meanwhile, Seeger was Che Guevara's right-hand man in overthrowing the government of Cuba. After this great victory he got his own T-Shirt, which read It's hammer time!. It didn't sell.

Later life[edit | edit source]

Now, at 150 years old, Seeger "retired" from starting communist regimes, and returned to his homeland of the United States. There, he wrote songs, played acoustic guitar, and tried to blend in with the 60's culture. He was one of the organizers of Woodstock, and may have been part of the reason that Joan Baez and Bob Dylan broke up. Sadly, he failed to hook up with Baez, and instead got laid by Cass Elliot from the Mamas and the Papas. This embittered him toward that musical generation forever, which resulted in Seeger hanging out with Malcolm X for the rest of the decade. According to Otis Redding, they were quite the pair, with Malcolm X frequently accusing Seeger of being a white supremacist and Seeger accusing him of being the leader of a reverse KKK in the Black Panthers.

In the 1970s, he teamed up with Arlo Guthrie as part of a reeducation program for the United States via music. This ended when Guthrie tried to become trendy. The 1990s found Seeger trying to join U2. After Bono nearly raped him, Seeger decided that it was time to leave the musical world. He had a brief stint on PBS as one of the tellytubbies. As the red tellitubby, he would often be seen strumming a guitar and cursing out Bill Clinton. He was kicked off of the show after urinating on a American flag while on TV. Shortly thereafter, Seeger walked through Ohio in search of a man whom he had heard called a Communist on FOX: Dennis Kucinch. He found Kucinch and promptly began the Communist Party of America. Together, they ran for the presidency in 2000, finishing fifth behind George Bush, Al Gore, Ron Paul, and Ralph Nader. They promptly demolished Nader on an Alaskan news channel. This political debunking was seen by approximately five people out of studio.

He currently lives in upstate New York, where he is planning to run for President in 2012 as the representative for the Communist Party of America.