Richard Tiberius "Dick" Clark (born 4,550,000,000 BC somewhere in what is now known as the United States) is a philosopher, zombie, former kiddie-show host, & Eternal Leader of Times Square. He is credited as one of the founding fathers of rock music, or at least trying to make it palatable for children's parents to enjoy.
When little Dickie was growing up, his parents were always banging rocks together, but he always found the noise to be too obnoxious. This led to his obsession to making this "music" sound better. When he was a teenager, he found some youths in the cave next door trying to do make various noises with their vocal cords, and thought that the rock-banging might be a bit more pleasant if these guys could "ooo" and "aahh" at the same time. This led to a weekly bonfire, subsequently named American Bonfire, hosted by Clark where all the kids would gather around and dance to all these various sounds.
King Tut needed a structure to hold all of his contraband while he went out womanizing and drinking. Clark offered to build a very economical $10,000 pyramid, but only if Tut could list all the items he would put inside it within 60 seconds. Tut was successful, and the first pyramid was constructed. Clark was sought after to build more pyramids, but due to inflation their prices skyrocketed from $25,000 to $100,000. His pyramid construction business continues today, however it is not so up front about its prices (if you have to ask how much, you can't afford one).
His weekly American Bonfire became so popular that they became the stuff of legend. Millions of teenage neanderthals were banging on the door to be let in just to get a glimpse of what eventually became known as "musicians." Clark got the idea that he could take things to the next level by dropping a giant boulder off a cliff during the coldest month of the year. If the boulder fell on enough of these annoying whipper-snappers, he could welcome in a new crop of younger, even more annoying whipper-snappers the following year, as these kids were breeding like rabbits anyway.
"Ol' Man Dicker"
"Ol' Man Dicker" is the theme song for American Bonfire. Originally, it did not have any lyrics, until Barry Manilow scrawled out a few for the 10,000th performance of Bonfire. Since then, the theme song has always been performed with lyrics:
- Ol' Man Dicker
- That Ol' Man Dicker
- He don't know nothin'
- But thinks he knows somethin'
- He jus' keeps trollin'
- He jus' keeps trollin' along!
No one to this day has ever dicked around with this song & Dick Clark has warned a few of his fans that they will be fucked by New Year's.
When the universe began, Dick Clark was elected Prime Minister of Time and Space. Hence, he has been regarded by most historians as an accurate basis for the calendar year. Unlike the Chinese calendar, which is based on the unreliable period of lunar phases, the American calendar year begins whenever Dick declares it so. In return for this service, masses of grateful citizens gather every year at Dick Clark's New York Mead Hall to present him with gifts and offerings. This ceremony usually culminates in the bequeathing of a large, glistening orb. The orb is meant to appease Dick Clark's love of all things shiny and assure that the passing of time shall continue.
Only once has Dick Clark failed to bless humanity with a new year. This occurred during the ceremony that was meant to commence the year 2006. Prior to the event, Dick had been angered by the fanciful and obscene antics of one Ryan Seacrest. The great and merciless Dick Clark punished the world by not granting his usual miracle of a new year. Therefore, contrary to popular belief, 2006 never actually happened.
Clark's methods for maintaining his youthful appearance have always remained a mystery. Theories ranging from deals with the devil to drinking liquid oxygen have continued to circulate over the years. In interviews, when asked about this topic, he has always responded with "eating right and exercising," which is somewhat plausible, considering that he does lift a giant boulder once a year.
Some observers on the History Channel have theorized that Clark is preserved by the same team responsible for preserving the corpse of Soviet revolutionary leader Vladimir Lenin. As part of this process, Clark's head and hands are soaked twice a week in a special chemical designed to maintain a lifelike appearance. Once a year (generally just before the new year), Clark is stripped nude and his whole body is soaked in the chemical. Before being clothed, he is orally serviced by a Bangkok whore.
It should also be noted that some time before the Cold War, Dick Clark was attacked by the vampire mastermind Blacula. At this moment, Clark was transformed into a vampire. This allowed him to remain the same age through the generations. It is thought that Dick Clark is responsible for the deaths of both Kurt Cobain and James Brown, Jr. Dick Clark managed to evade Paul McCartney and Jerry Van Dyke. Dick Clark managed to successfully evade them and make a home for himself in the hills of Colorado, where his eyes apparently watch over the town.
Although none of the following individuals are willing to submit to a DNA test, it is highly likely they are the offspring of Dick Clark.
- Christopher Columbus
- Richard Nixon
- Alan Freed
- William Shatner
- Paul McCartney
- Howard Stern
- Donny Osmond
- Michael Jackson
- Ryan Seacrest
- Jessica Simpson
- Britney Spears
- Lindsay Lohan
- Hilary Duff