Kash Patel
Kash Patel Kashmir Patala Karmakumming Foryhou is a clandestine entity that came from India to the Swamplands to clear out the algae and leftover goo from the bygone era of Industrial Dystopia and its war machine complex. Born in a small village that has no name due to the curse of Kali, he was isolated in a very picturesque jungle land. At a very young age he witnessed the atrocities of the Tomb of Doom and helped an American and Chinese boy escape the evil Arabians who were using India as a sweat shop. Ironically it was an American (typically what keeps such shops operational), and someone Chinese (who was usually the one to be working at such places) that Kash had assisted. But as time passed on, Kash began questioning how such an event unfolded bringing in two such characters. The official story was that they were being chased and people were trying to kill them. But he later learned that the American was targeted by Nazis on account that he stole ancient artifacts simply to give them to museums. When the Ark of the Covenant was stolen, it was eventually used to kill the Nazis who were going to use it to defeat the monster. Indiana Jones and the Typical University-level Dig was where Kash began his studies into all things old and corrupted. Except for Kali. Which was better left alone.
After spending some time traveling to other isolated locations where the American (who was later identified as Indiana Jones) and his team from Jonesboro, Arkansas had set up camp looking for Noah's Ark, Kash offered his assistance to find the old barge that apparently survived a disastrous flood. After a couple of years and a lot of religious ceremonies, nothing was found. Kash would uncover the plot by the Nazis who arrived a decade earlier and stole the Ark. They were going to use it to kill the political class of another Nazi party called The Blue Class of Neverland, Inc. Kash quickly assembled a team of Jedi Masters and some Robots. He worked with a wartime president to overthrow the thieves that were about to use the Ark as a large missile container to plunge the world into a Nuclear Holocaust within the safety of a vessel that had since expired, decayed, and rusted away in obscurity. Kash had delicately informed the would-be genocidal war hawks that the Ark was decommissioned by God himself and that any attempts to use it will result in it being flooded and causing worldwide droughts. They abandoned their plans and set out to accomplish their end goals with something else. The staff of Moses was their next item on the list. Ironically as the staff would have parted seas, God went about supervising Noah while he built an entire ship when he could have just given him a staff and allowed him to just camp out for a month or so. Kash Patel, being from a culture that noticed flaws in the way Gods went about business, was promoted. He was the best choice to become the expert in artifact recovery and swamp clearings.
Growing up in the Shadow of West Shangri-La[edit | edit source]
Kash was just a mere inkling when his parents wrote him into existence. Having come from the intense martial arts training in Kathmandu where his mom and dad battled multi-layered beasts, they made use of the flying tiger claw and settled far away to a place that was claimed by the ghosts of the Kunlun Mountains. Gujarat would be their landing pad and the Chief Minister Bhupendrabhai Patel drew Kash and his family the long-lasting Temple of Days to stay and build the foundations of a new land to rise from the clay and mud of the sunken city that was known only as Unknown. As a bonus, the Chief granted him the use of his surname.
The Shadow could not find those who fled from Tibet with tiger claws, so the elders drew up another shrine facing the west. The shrine was made out of an old 1976 Volkswagen van and had to park next to the Morning Sun of Seven Stingrays in Shangri-La.
Kash had a very weird life. He sought the balance of normalcy and studied English in a French accent. Working very hard on not sounding like a telemarketer, he took work that needed his detective skills. This is where his life changed, but not to a normal life. Far from it. While studying English for a western way of life, and as a means to perhaps settle into the Ultimate West of all Wests, he discovered there was a belief that Shangri-La was mythical and thought of as a sort of King Arthur's Camelot, in the same vein of King Solomon's Mines. They were believed to be just somewhere outside of Las Vegas although no solid proof of the existence of the strange city known as Las Vegas has ever been certified. Let alone anything just outside of it. But Kash knew that Shangri-La did exist. For its shadow was far reaching and came over to his country and state to roost for prolonged seasons of the moon. He was there when the Emperor of Narnia split the shadow into four corners. Shangri-La now had a shadow of doom and fog sectioned into four parts. West, East, South, and Southeast.
Being determined to know exactly why such a place one country over, and a lot of deserts, mountains, lakes, craters, dunes, and sandworms in between, would have the nerve to cover all the lands with shadow for no apparent reason, he went to the trouble to find such answers. Other than maybe Kali pissed it off. The first thing he accomplished was to call the Emperor of Narnia. Getting a hold of his answering service, he found that he had to press the 3 on his phone to access the Shangri-La menu as it had changed since then. He weighed his options, looked at the time and his battery limit. Kash would soon embark through the desert. Over the mountains. Hiring a boat to sail the lakes. Taking a moon buggy through the wild terrain and dodging alien creatures to request an audience with whomever governed Shangri-La. This was the best result as it was successful and took less time than to listen through menu options on the phone. After meeting with the entity governing the shadow and its hidden palace, Kash was informed that it wasn't personal. It was just that it had a lost horizon and it was more or less just compensating. Kash asked them to stop it. They said okay.
Becoming the Hunter in the Hat[edit | edit source]
There was something wrong with the usual suspects. All of Them had been rounded up and all their hats had been confiscated. There were a lot of hats. They were mad. But none of the hats matched the usual suspects. They were hunting everyone that did not have hats. The situation was mysterious. Kash was already working for the Governor when he was asked to take the place of one of the mad hatters. At first, Kash did not understand the objective. But when he was shown the pith helmet and the captain's hat, he kind of understood. It was up to him to put the voodoo witch doctor's headdress on and look for the captain. Who was an unusual suspect. The mission was bound to be aggravating to no end.
He had a collection of hats. He was the leader of the Safari. He was the bellhop. He was the pianist and he was one of the guards in The Nutcracker. For a while this was a successful operation. All he had to do was hats. Play the roles, and offer medical, financial, and legal advice. But the suspects had connections even without their hats. Kash had to hunt down their connections, of course, and the first one that he encountered was in fact the Big Fat Ass Floating Cupcake. Kash teamed up with Flash Gordon and Michael Flynn to confront the cupcake. Naturally the cupcake was spitting tobacco and flying around, leaving sticky frosting everywhere.
Kash had to put on another hat complete with a face covering, made of materials designed to shield against nuclear radiation. The cupcake suspect escaped from its container and hid away in a plastic storage tub. It was caught up with and interrogated. Giving information about the rest of the cookies. Kash obtained a few more hats. By the time the mission was complete, Kash had so many hats, that he could open a shop. To his dismay, he never really got to wear his cowboy hat. But he swore an oath that one day, he will have his time to wear such an iconic hat for someone who had to wear a sombrero.
Sailing to All Corners of the Seven Flat Seas[edit | edit source]
Repeatedly Kash had told them that he was not, or ever was, a sea captain. He could sail a boat simple enough and flying a helicopter seemed like basic stuff. But in no way would he attempt to stand in for Captain Obvious. As it was obvious that anything bad that could happen, would probably happen thanks to Captain Irrelevant. Somehow in the chaos of storms and bad weather, he found himself on a boat. He was tied up, someone had attached a cement block to his ankle and even humorously stole the oars. The last he remembered was being in a fight after an interview. It was some tight-lipped television mouthpiece that plays on the news. She kept going on and on about QAnons. Something that doesn't exist, but she was convinced that QAnons rode in on the Loch Ness Monster. Kash told her she was crazier than a shithouse rat and to seek therapy. Kash had rightfully concluded that the crazy bitch from TV was trying to kill him.
But as he drifted around in the ocean, he was spotted by a sea captain from a different part of the world. He dreaded having to explain, again, that he was not a sea captain and if there's any storm, do not talk to the press. And allow him to be dropped off at the nearest port. The captain brought Kash aboard and invited him to regale him and his crew, of why he was stranded all tied up and left for dead.
He agreed to tell his story but reminded them that he was not a sea captain. He had a bad feeling about all of this. And sure enough, the captain and crew who rescued him suddenly had to be air-lifted out of the vessel and taken to a hospital immediately, pleading with Kash to take over while they recover from a Sharktopus attack. Left by himself, Kash began sailing everywhere. He went into the Bermuda Triangle and from there, he was caught up in the weirdest seas he ever saw. They weren't like normal seas, they seemed to flow into Hexadecimal and Geometrical shaped skies and the waves were all swirling around like a million mini-whirlpools.
Not sure if he had been drugged, or that the crazy reporter did something to him. Or if he was still back in the tiny boat just having a nightmare. He began rescuing people lost at sea. He also discovered that there were already stowaways on the ship. It presented a problem as the stowaways took over the ship and ordered Kash to leave The Castaways back where he found them. Fed up, Kash radioed Michael Flynn to come to his rescue as he was diverted from rescuing others.
It was a very bizarre time in his life, being given a ship to command only to have a mutiny carried out by stragglers who caused such a failure of heroic rescue attempts. Flynn, of course, set the ship on a course that would lead right into the Megalon. He was familiar with Kash's captors. Kash began keeping a captain's log of his adventures after disembarking from the ship that rescued him from certain death. Several entries were That time I accidentally took a sojourn in North Dakota during my sojourn in South Dakota, That Time I Was Nearly Raped by a Nazi during my sojourn to Ireland, That time I nearly drowned during my sojourn on the Titanic and That Time I Was Nearly Crashed Into by a Boeing 747 during my sojourn to the Twin Towers.
Becoming A Hero[edit | edit source]
Naturally, Kash was so good at what he did, that he could train to be the absolute best. It was his calling. He had a discipline and patience that was truly a work of art. Nevermind that there were still evil spies trying to kill him. He practiced his martial arts and studied very hard. Whenever the opportunity presented, he used the Monorail to escape from Malaysian Celebrities on airplanes.
The Elders of Paradise Lost regrouped after losing such a thing, and humbled themselves to become Monks and to teach and train would-be heroes to their fullest abilities. Usually this was just a rigorous training course with a lot of tires, rope ladders, and puzzle-solving. Kash passed with flying colors. He was attached to an aircraft, flying at a low altitude and he was obligated to wear a very colorful cape and tights. He looked very good in the suit so he wore it for other tasks the Elders would have him complete. Like that time when he had to walk across a deep dark chasm in a small-ish cave, on what seemed to be wooden stumps protruding from the sheer darkness below. He had to grab some candy, and come on back out. He not only grabbed the candy, but he went back in and grabbed some groceries, a few household items, and some gardening supplies.
The Elders were impressed and gave Kash the medal of daring made completely of Tofu, and sent him on a mission to find the remaining stone statues of the world. Giving him a list of which ones he would not have to find since they already secured their locations. Kash went everywhere looking for stone statues in the most unlikely of places. Underwater was a bit of a problem. The Elders advised him to look in more likely places. Haunted places. Haunted Mansions. Most anywhere in Southeast Asia and Egypt. After locating 1000 or so stone statues, he forgot what the mission was other than finding them. So he stole the statues and brought them back to the Elders. Except for the really heavy statues. Those he just hired a truck and relocated them to Stonehenge since, in a way, those were stone statues.
The Elders congratulated him on accomplishing the mission and even adding to it, when all they were asking for was simply the location of all the statues. Realizing he went to all that trouble for nothing, he gathered the haunted statues and turned them over to the Elders and staked out Stonehenge to haul out the displaced statues and remove them from the area. His plan was simple. But after a while it wasn't going to work. There was something going on there. Once stone statues were placed there, they were going to stay. They were embedded. Permanently. Still it made for an uptick in visitors coming to see giant pharaohs and headless Greek figures encircling the tourist attraction like they were playing chess with those plain, gray slabs. Kash was a hero, but an unsung one, as nobody knew who managed all that.
Doing Heroic Things[edit | edit source]
Kash was on the scene, with all the necessary equipment to take down the beast monster Snuffleupagus that almost took over the Central Intelligence Agency. But as it turned out, this would have been an improvement so he made plans to put the creature into the Witness Protection Program. As always some sniffy-nosed reporter ruined any attempt to save it and it was unfortunately shipped to Las Vegas. Knowing the CIA was behind the foul plot, he sabotaged their plans, their playbook, and shipped them to Shark Island.
But Kash seemed to have caught the ire of the FBI and a handful of other corrupt agencies. They didn't like that he had superhuman abilities, dangling from an aircraft in superhero garb notwithstanding. They used all kinds of heinous acts against him and his boss the King Emperor Cyrus Triumphant. The agents set up a voting booth and sold Kool Aid to thirsty bystanders. But many were not thirsty so the FBI killed them or tried to kill them. Some they killed. Some they did not kill. Those they didn't kill, knew that the FBI was trying to kill them. But the Feds killed Some Dude and Some Hippie after taking their money. Then they staged a war, like they always do in other parts of the world and had world leaders blown up who wouldn't push reset buttons with She Who Shall Not Be Named. After their coup in multiple countries, they raided and razed the grounds of every ground they could. They even razed The Grand Canyon. They went after all their political opponents with every evil, corrupt device and hired Swarmy Donkals to sway those who were drunk on the Kool Aid. It was the main FBI ghoul Christopher Wray who ordered assassinations on everyone and their grandmother. He would also sneak into open windows and try to drain the life out of Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Rumpelstiltskin and Snow White. Although it would show that Snow White was already drained.
But Kash waited. He waited and he took notes and watched silently from the corners of those same Bermuda waters, now that he knew his way through those waters. He perched like a softly purring tiger, lofty and calmly, upon the stone cold heads of stone and marble. The haunted statues now exorcised by the Elders, and smashed into eggshells, like a Humpty Dumpty. And he waited. And he wondered in his own state of Zen. After a long period of time, and the King Emperor returning from the Fantastic Space Monorail, Kash was ready to spring into action. Kash sprang into action and he tore down the Feds. He ripped the shabby veil of polyester fabric into shreds and replaced it with paper planes and went magic and disappeared into a hat. The hat fell to the stage floor. The Feds were swept up in chaotic piles of bones. The Zen settled in vague smoke and fog. The ancient halls and temples echoed the songs of Harry Belafonte. The remaining Feds, in desperation, found the storeroom with the alien overlords and set them free. Space cadets managed to greet the aliens and hosted the party until clones of Godzilla showed up. Another trick the Feds had up their sleeve until the monster wrecked their HQ. Kash was free to work on clearing out the rest of the vampire ants.
The Case against Lame McStumpy and Nancy Hammerhack[edit | edit source]
There was already an extensive paper trail on Nancy's properties that she obtained for free, and to top that off had the state, the slaves (more often referred to as taxpayers by the Crown's Illegal Ponzi Scheme) and federal banks give her obscene amounts of money for. This was one vampire ant that wasn't content with ant farm living and had ambitions to control the entire monorail transit system. Her old man got hammered and she hacked into government systems while holding her own hammer and smashing a laptop or two. Unfortunately for her, they were the wrong laptops.
But she followed the advice from her old pal, known in the underworld as Money Bags, as well as Body Bags, who had a thing about smashing, beating, laundering and bleaching devices. The hint was taken. And things started shakin' and breakin'. Hammer time. It became a theme. It was already a hit on the charts around 3 decades earlier. About the time the scheme was originally hatched and they didn't seem like such crack addicts.
The FBI were never really very bright and they figured the laptops with all the shiny bling all over them were the ones with all the evidence. Turned out it was just some random guy named The Diddler and his interior decorator. Nancy hired a lawyer named Lame of McStumpy Lawfare Inc. Of course being that McStumpy was an arm of the Royalty's many tentacled beast overlord, she typically wouldn't have to face a judge, and the kangaroo court was expected to rule that she must obtain more money. A form of torment placed upon the masses that worked so well that Zelensky, leader of the network best known for laundering money, and other ill-gotten gains, began getting cut in on a piece of the action. His ploys had finally paid off once he pissed off Putin enough to finally rid the kingdom of thugs and vermin brutes in berets.
Kash was onto all the sneaky, slimy, underhanded lawyers and world leaders from no world of regular humans that elected them. So he waited again, letting his shield down. It was heavy and he couldn't move his left arm and he would need it to draw it back for balance. He focused on the immediate battleground, and slipped off his white hat as it obstructed his field of sight. As his masters before him had done. As the oracle Michael Flynn had done long before when working with an alien hybrid. Kash pinpointed the target. He appeared out of the fallen magician's hat and let fly the Spear into McStumpy's bejeweled face. Taking down the eye-bling that attached to the apparatus of injustice. Ripping apart the lip-rings that spoke untruths and deceptions and ordered death as easily as pie. And the collision of its face with the sharp edge of Kash's weapon undid the collusion of their weapons. Kash then began sharing his and their cultures all morning.
The Defeat of Deep State Puppet Mr. Brane Ded O'Krimlitz[edit | edit source]
The amount of private properties that the bank owned was astronomical. In fact, the bank owned the astronomical regions of the earth and sun. So when they saw that other well-to-do people, and kings, and emperors, and God owned properties too, the bank became so enraged that they burned everything down. More than once. But there was this shriveled drunken slob who resembled a cross between Satan Claus, Sauron, and Joe Lieberman.
The Heavens rose up out of the fog or the fog fell down from it, and revealed that they were ready to exterminate the bank. Causing a real estate lady to start pressuring people to sell their houses. The world was in a chaotic shift and some people died. The real estate lady wasted no time to sell their houses before their bodies were even cold in the ground. The bank was exterminated, but the properties belonging to the dead people brought in legal problems. The Addams Family argued they were still the owners of their property even if they were dead. Kash came to offer them council, but noted that they were actually alive and really into acting as if they were dead. However as long as they could prove the cemetery next to their house was also where they lived. Or died. Or was generally dead, Kash could keep them from being killed a second time. The Addams' loved discussing these morbid things with Kash but other clients were very unhappy.
Enter Brane Ded O'Krimlitz, the sleepy and dead-like judge who argued that he was in charge of who gets what. Kash saw through it and knew it was all hogwash and instructed the owners of all said properties to sue the judge. And the bank just for good measure. Everyone was extremely pissed off that all their properties were being seized by a bank that was really just a blood bank and a Grim Reaper judge who smelled like dried-out oatmeal. Their houses were stamped as imaginary assets that didn't exist, even if they were all dead for real. This didn't sit right with anyone who owned their own little castles. In the Addams case it was actually a fortress from the underworld. Kash carefully lured O'Krimlitz into a trap. After saying Brane Ded three times, Kash was able to imprison the corrupt judge in a nice fucking model.
At the closing of the cases against the dirty and ghoulish lameos, who tried to smear the world in goo, slime the skies with harmful lasers and microwave settings that exceeded factory standards, a soaking wet reporter crawled up out of the murky water and asked Kash if he were going to smear the judge in goo, slime his ceilings with harmful lasers and use microwave settings that would exceed the label's cautionary operational procedures. Kash sent the Clown Hitler to Saturn.
Favorite Movies[edit | edit source]
