John F. Kennedy Jr
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The famous son prince of the Great John F. Kennedy, JFK Jr was brought into this world to look damn fine. Born sometime in the 1960s he embarked on a wild ride that involved a lot of travel, a lot of work, a lot of women, and a lot of hair gel. His beginnings were normal enough but nothing was ever normal where JFK Jr aka Jay Eff Kribs aka Jasif Fusamul Kharem aka JJ the MoveMaster aka Lord Jahlpin Faras the Kind and Q, was concerned. For this is the story of a prince of a modern day Camelot that only lasted as long as the Dark Lord wasn't aware of his existence.
Somehow the evil little dark succubus did find out about his existence and began plotting ways to send him to Mars. NASA was contacted to construct a space pod capable of getting somebody to the red planet as fast as possible. Misunderstanding what the evil one wanted, NASA went ahead and tested a project that was earlier scrapped. Since this order would have been for something a lot lighter than shipping whales to Mars, they packed up some leftovers and tested it on the Dark Lord's sheriff who was willing to help NASA at all costs. The first couple of thousand test launches failed, however. A year worth of hard work and costs were exhausted when finally it was green lit and ready to blast off. When launch was completed, the sheriff was thrown into orbit and set his sights on Mars. Getting a few calculations wrong he managed to overshoot Mars by billions of miles and ended up on Uranus.
Thwarted again, the Dark Lord devised another plan to get the poor young man to accept a job as a TV Host where he would announce the winners of The Amazing Race giving an alibi to an evil plan involving the dangerous river known as Shit Creek. But sensing something was off, and the way his hair wasn't blowing right in the breeze, he declined the Dark Lord's offer. This didn't sit well with the insidious bastard trying to kill JFK Jr. so a witch was moved in to help the evil one in the mission to get rid of our hero. But fate stepped in and his hair stylist Carrot Top saw to it the witch would not get within 100 yards of him by applying a magical hair solution to ward off hideous evil witches.
And rumors suggest that the witch found out about Carrot Top's secret hair solution and had him taken into custody by the Shampoo Police to be questioned and tormented relentlessly at their headquarters. He survived the ordeal but his hair was never the same.
Life Before Disappearing[edit | edit source]
Our hero was on the road to becoming the next A-List actor when it was suggested he become a lawyer. He gave up his movie star dreams to throw himself into a vortex of Hell that he felt was necessary to make everyone else happy, and mainly to avoid living in Canada. But the lawyer gig was getting old and he yearned for the Great Adventure. He had seen the movie 'Mutiny on the Bounty', starring his idol Marlon Brando. After seeing the movie he began plotting ways to get onto a ship, any ship, and begin the process of turning the crew against the captain. True to his usual method acting skills. However, this proved to be short lived as most crews in that day were already against their captains but dealt with it in newer and more dramatic ways. Like sleeping with their captains and having it on tape to blackmail them with. Kribs wasn't having any of this. He got the Mutiny Bar Blues and decided to contact Elvis Presley for advice. Elvis spoke with him briefly on the phone. Elvis warned him of a hideous witch known as the Hildebeast and advised him to flee the country. Kribs gathered his loved ones, and some extra hair gel and took off. That was the last he was seen. At least seen by the average, boring humans.
Aftermath of Disappearing
This was not the end however. At first he wondered why Carrot Top didn't tell him about any of this sooner. At this point in time, he found that he could wear all kinds of costumes and masks to blend in with the general population without undergoing surgery, touch-ups, or hair replacements. But he dreaded the disguises that had to be worn with a wig. He coped with the ordeal because the show must go on, and he really didn't want to end up as a hermit living in Siberia.
A decade or so later, when the showbiz gig was getting tiresome he signed up for a now-defunct operation known as Practical Jokes R Us. He was amused at how many ways common household items, or other mundane situations could be used to get someone to scream. Or faint. Or kill you. He was sure that this would eventually get him into more trouble and after his plans for mutiny on the high seas were sadly never realized, he turned down the offer as there were already TV shows that sort of made this kind of thing a running gag and that the whole idea behind an ancient show called Candid Camera and its spin-offs was basically this. It had been done before and he wanted to try new things. New things to reach new heights in great ideas like thwarting evil enemies, making a name for oneself, and mutiny on the high seas.
He kept a diary and would write all these ideas down and how-tos. Most of his notes were written in Morse code and while that was a great idea to keep the average lame-o from understanding it should it ever be stolen, he didn't know how to decode it himself after so many years and therefore used the diary to get a campfire going.
Still Alive[edit | edit source]
Although conspiracy theorists have been abused and mocked by the average, boring humans, they seemed to have information about our hero, the lost-at-sea mutineer-pioneer hair-boy. Theorists say he is not dead but he is not on Broadway. That he is indeed alive, but he likes to venture into Hades to annoy the hell out of the underworld rascals that are running around there. That he has not crossed the Rainbow Bridge but that he has crossed the Mississippi. Many other theorists believe he is still in hiding because he is writing the next world famous epic novel to rival the likes of War And Peace, anything by Jules Verne, and anything by Homer. The reality is, is that he is not. He created a magazine, sure, but it's safe to say that the form that its published issues take, is rarely able to feed a fire for more than ten minutes. A nice thick book like War & Peace would be more ideal.
However as nobody can agree on his whereabouts, people have been using various channeling methods and ESP to connect with him and find out more about how he disappeared, how he escaped the jaws of death, and how he keeps his hair so soft and shiny.
A lot of other people who don't suspect a thing have been asking about this very subject as they have picked up on the fact that the sheriff is missing. Not getting anywhere with their short attention spans, they shrug off any possibility that Kribs is the main reason that their sheriff is missing. Also that their Scientologists, professionals, and mass media seemed to be missing, as well.
While still in hiding and avoiding witches and gravediggers, and calendars, and salads in general (see the below section on the reason why), he met up with a computer genius who could program reality to appear that a glowing ball of fire was headed for the sun. They discussed ways in which it would actually show up in the sky without being passed off as just the sun itself. With a few keystrokes the wiz kid came up with a design that would look so much different than the sun. When the program was uploaded it appeared to be one Humongous Giant Tomato. Kribs was found a week later in some old abandoned fort, shivering in a corner, poor dear.
His Career as a Chef Model[edit | edit source]
Kribs was well known to enjoy healthy foods and salads. He created so many salad dishes, that Fresh Gardens & Salads made several calendars of his recipes to feature in their annual magazine issues to sell. The calendars were a hit with not only lovers of salad, but everyone who liked the way he looked with his hair all flowy and bouncy.
He somehow ended up in other magazines, as well. Magazines he had not intended to be in. But by the time he disappeared it was too late. No matter how many calls he made using a disguised voice, those magazine publishers were not about to pull anything off the shelves that featured him. After a while he began to accept it and tried to move on. It was a very difficult process for him as he would be reminded of them every time he had a salad. For some time he tried to quit salad, but the tomatoes would call, and the bean sprouts and avocados would taunt him with their tastiness and nourishment. He felt trapped and would lash out, chopping them into bite-sized snacks. For later.
When a well-known publication began featuring his salad calendar shots, he contacted his lawyers to see what could be done. Forgetting to use a disguised voice, his lawyers were shocked to hear from him and acted like they had seen a ghost.
Of course after that phone call, Kribs realized he'd made a mistake in contacting them in the first place. He knew they would never take the case because there was no way his lawyers were smart enough to explain the paranormal to any judge who may be afraid of Beetlejuice. And dismiss the case based on the fact that other untouchable cases like Big Foot, the Bermuda Triangle, Time Travel, UFOs, ETs, Poltergeists, Blair Witch Projects, Nightmares on Elm Street, and Nostradamus all resulted in mass hysteria and caused a great exodus out of the Matrix.
All his girlfriends agreed that it wasn't worth it to go after the magazine and tried their best to relax him. After they made sure to hide their stash of Playgirls.
Kribs had come to the conclusion that maybe he was overreacting a bit and decided that maybe one day he would create a new magazine where he could feature all his recipes and political satire. He mused that maybe it could be called something like the Babylon Wasp. Or Salad World. But combining two abstract ideas into one magazine was a hard ball to hit with a bat or tennis racket for that matter. He had to come up with something far more subtle and sneaky. He was watching old episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation when the character simply named Q burst onto the scene, and with extravagant hyperbole, gave Kribs an idea. An idea so overwhelmingly hilarious that no magazine, lawyer, judge, evil witch, dark lord or sea captains worthy of being mutinied against could fight against it.
And thus was Q Drops and the Digital Soldier Army born.
Q, Digital Soldiers, Kek & Rekt[edit | edit source]
The plan Kribs had come up with was simple yet vast. Like a sea of smooth glass that seemed infinite and sheer. A smooth sailing, crystal-like horizon is how he envisioned this plan. Without that vision, the twists and turns would trip anyone navigating it, up. It was the philosophy of the clearest and shiniest way to accomplish this glorious plan. And the way to do that, was to wake the particles of the glass sea up into an array of acknowledgement. It was a plan that was the exact opposite of dark plans, evil plans, confusing plans. Much like the famous quote from Tolkien's Lord of the Rings;
One Ring to rule them all
One Ring to find them
One Ring to bring them all
And in the darkness, bind them
The opposite of that bit about the One Ring (which is evil and distasteful and not to mention, downright rude) is what Kribs had thought up in that pretty head of hair he got.
One Drop to pool them all
One Drop to add more drips to find them
One Drop to zero bubble them
And in the brightest of light, blind them
First Kribs would need a general, his strange friend the wiz kid, a monkey boy, and boots. Platform or Cowboy, it didn't matter. They would be used to stomp out the Dark Lord and the forces of Evil.
After obtaining a platform boot, a reboot of said platform and another program resembling a giant head of lettuce, the Q Op was launched. Digital Soldiers were called into battle and memes flowed and overwhelmed the Nazi Queen Lizard of the English Vatican Empire. After taking down the orcs behind everyone's back, and stuffing them into a secret hideout filled with TVs that only broadcast the The Brady Bunch, Q broke the minds of the evil minions who served the Dark Lord.
Then actors and generals and pilots and some UFOs were brought in to confuse the servants of the minion servants of the Dark Lord. The operation being set up was to ensnare as many dumbasses as possible. Being dumbasses, this was an easier task than the one involving untangling Kribs from an avalanche of wires that he managed to get himself into when he was almost taken hostage by a radish that had sprouted tentacles when activated by Cthulhu.
The plan has been known to go off course a time or two, but things like that happen when some politicians wind up being tied to saw tables, railroad tracks or threatened with Carrot Top styled hair. Everyone knows the horrors of what the evil witch is capable of. But the plan remains in motion despite the bad hair days.
Somewhere in all of this, an onslaught of frogs had been unleashed and servant minions of the servant minions cried out in pain when the frogs appeared to have their own language. Being similar to Morse code, the only distinguishable word Kek would change in meaning if it was pronounced with the long E or a short E. It always depended on the E. Go figure, huh?
As of this writing, the plan that Kribs is seeing through is still an ongoing plan. Nobody knows where it will take us. Or them. Or anyone in general. But one thing is certain; the Dark Lord is frantically looking for any leaks since so many drops fell into his burning Eye, and his Ring of Fire was last seen being carried by two Power Rangers across R'lyeh.
See Also[edit | edit source]
- Salad
- Humongous Giant Tomato
- Flying Spaghetti Monster
- Dark Lord
- Captain Morgan
- Lawyer
- Calendar
- Magazine
- Movie
- Hair
- The Ten Plagues of Egypt
- Cowboy
- Disco
