Jackie Kennedy
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“She's the one who had the FBI spy on Martin Luther King, Jr. She hated blacks, which is weird considering her obsession with dick.”
Jackie Kennedy was born Jackie Kennedy on May 21, 1927. Her parents, intent on preparing their daughter for a successful adulthood, decided to give their daughter the last name Kennedy so as to provide an early suggestion about what family she should marry into. By all accounts Jackie was a quiet and calm baby. Photos of her from her early years show the infant Jackie staring stolidly at the camera from behind oversized sunglasses.
Her father, a rake and roustabout made somewhat wealthy by his invention of the gin-and-tonic, squandered a good deal of his money on his incurable penchant for toilet paper and junk. He eventually went bankrupt due to the failing economy at the time. Fortunately, it was the height of the Great Depression, and so economic woes were common enough that a young Jackie didn't feel ashamed to go to school.
During her adolescence years, Jackie had two main hobbies: horse-riding and art.
At age 18, Jackie went to Paris in the hopes that the world's wealthy good-looking men were all hiding out there. While in Paris, she decided to drop her American name, using instead the alias "Jacqueline Bouvier," which at the time was the Frenchest name yet conceived. Eventually, though, Paris bored Jackie, and so she returned to the U.S. and began husband-hunting in New York and D.C.
Meeting JFK and Becoming First Lady[edit | edit source]
Jackie met her future husband, John F. Kennedy, while the latter, then a young and hung U.S. Senator. Now that he had the prospects of a Stepford wife, John F. Kennedy was allowed to run for President. Jackie was a critical component of his campaign, because during that era, a single blarney wheedling Catholic Mick had about as much of a chance of becoming a president as a stogie-chomping leprechaun Pope.
First Lady and the Assassination[edit | edit source]
As First Lady, Jackie Kennedy immediately began altering the White House. Jack and Jackie, nicknamed by the press as the portmanteau "Jackie," had two children who reached adulthood: sweet Caroline, and John, Jr.
Jackie frequently turned a blind eye to her husband's extramarital affairs. The idyllic White House years came to an early close, however, when on November 22, 1963, the President was assassinated by a scrappy Communist sympathizer and part-time CIA, FBI, KGB, mob, Secret Service, Dallas police, and Nixon informant. Jackie was distraught, and, in his kindness, the new President Lyndon Johnson assured her that she didn't have to be out of the White House until five o'clock that night.
Marriage to Onassis[edit | edit source]
Jackie, faced with the prospect of having to live on a $500,000 a year, decided it was imperative that she find another husband. At first she turned to the already-married Bobby Kennedy. This frightened President Johnson, as Bobby wanted to be the next President, and new laws recently passed in John F. Kennedy's honor declared that any Kennedy married to Jackie would automatically become President. Bobby was shot.
Final Years[edit | edit source]
Jackie returned to the U.S., where she faced yet another tragedy when she was forced watch her kids decide to become law students. The strain of such much grief in her life wrecked its toll, and in May of 1994 Jackie Kennedy died.