Humongous Giant Tomato

“In America, tomatoes are a fruit you eat, in Soviet Russia, eating fruit tomatoes YOU!!!”

~ Russian Reversal

Never let it go unnoticed that there are literally all kinds of tomatoes. Large, small, medium, red, green, orange-ish, maybe even purple and they are a blob of something unknown and tasty. Yet they scare a sufficient amount of people. Some animals. And stage actors. But there is one tomato that defies all other tomatoes. And that is the dreaded Humongous Giant Tomato.

How It Got Here

An alien invasion is the best theory anyone has come up with for the reason of the legend of the giant menace. It has lasted more than 500 years and counting. It has an unbelievable shelf life and has been known to fly around with the Flying Spaghetti Monster just for fun. It also won every award and blue ribbon in every State Fair that it was hauled into to be pimped to citizens and aliens alike. There are some scientists who have studied the Humongous Giant Tomato from a fair enough distance to get a good grasp on where it may have come from without getting slimed by it. Among those scientists only half of them are willing to go out on a vine and declare it as a leftover from the Prehistoric Age of Cucumber. As of yet no one has been able to identify exactly where the ominous salad and spaghetti sauce ingredient came from.

A History of Carnage

In 1607 A.D., a small group of villagers trekked across the Irish landscape in search of potatoes, onions, radishes, mushrooms, peppers, and pecans. When the Humongous Giant Tomato showed up and offered to replace all the other foodstuffs they were looking for, the villagers gracefully declined. The tomato thought it odd that they would do that. Asking why, they said they didn't like tomatoes. After that, well, it wasn't pretty. There were villagers heard screaming from miles away as they were slimed and chased around by a large tomato like that. It was a very humiliating experience. They sought the help of the Druids but the Druids weren't going to listen to a bunch of crazy people who were afraid of a fucking tomato.

In 1786 A.D., a robust and happy French chef who prepared the king's meals was sent out to the garden to fetch freshly grown grapes and apples when the Humongous Giant Tomato showed up and wanted to be a part of the king's healthy snack. The chef bulked at the idea and suddenly found himself in a wrestling match with the angry tomato. When he returned to the king's castle covered in what appeared to be his own entrails, the king's reaction was between bemusement and annoyance. The chef tried to explain what happened but the king sent him away and exiled the chef until he could get his act together.

And in 1184 B.C., a war being waged and nearly lost was the scene where the Humongous Giant Tomato made an appearance as it slipped out of a wooden contraption shaped like a pig, and began rolling over and rampaging through everyone in sight. The next morning, all the fallen were said to have been so slimy and sticky that they had to be buried in a large ziplock baggie after being strained in a large colander.

The Tomato in Comedy

What a mess this was. A tomato is funny enough on its own with its bulbous shape and flashy red colors that it being in a comedy is overdoing it. But the large fat-ass tomato somehow got it into its slice of brain that it could be the funniest thing since, well since sliced tomatoes. Trying to get the role of the main tomato in Take The Tomato And Run it was a hard let-down when every single scene involving the lead actor to actually take the tomato and run with it, was too difficult and physically impossible. The sad massive tomato was passed up for a smaller tomato more easily carried and concealed by the scrawny actor who seemed to think he was funnier than the Humongous Giant Tomato.

The Tomato in Drama

Failing to be in a comedy film, the tomato auditioned for The Sinking of the Tomato. A tragic tale about a tomato that functioned as a titanic gargantuan-sized salad bowl transporting many other vegetables and fruits across the ocean only to hit an iceberg lettuce and sink beneath the frigid waters of the sea. But this too proved to be something the tomato of its stature could not adequately pull off. The scenes in which the tomato was to sink could not be accomplished as the sheer size of the Humongous Giant Tomato kept floating back to the surface. They tried everything from using weights, thick ranch dressing, even those heavy wooden forks. But it was of no use. The tomato had to give up the project so they could replace its role with a carrot. Painting the carrot red and giving it GMOs and steroids they were able to keep the tomato in the title.

Types of Tomatoes

1. Cherry tomatoes (sometimes used in Cherry Coke as a gag by Coca-Cola)
2. Grape tomatoes (sometimes used in Grape Juice as a gag by Ocean Spray)
3. Roma tomatoes (not to be confused with Rome tomatoes)
4. Beefsteak tomatoes (sometimes used to replace steak as a wake up call to the obese)
5. Heirloom tomatoes (sometimes sold in antique shops as a gag by bored old people)
6. Tomatoes on the vine (well duh)
7. Green tomatoes (tomatoes that are not red)

See Also

• Tomato
• UnNews:Tomatoes receive chemical and biological weapons for use against humans
• Food
• Fruit
• Giant

External Links

• Attack of the Killer Tomatoes