Mind reading

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Mind reading is a way to explore the minds of others. You have a secret sexual fantasy? Whether it be those divine twins who work in the sandwich shop down the road, or dressing up as Nanamis Gouri and being licked by traffic wardens, just find someone who has done it and suck the experience right out of their brains. Presto, you might as well have done it yourself! Anyone can be a mind-reader, and of course sexual gratification is not the only use it can be put to. Many people, including babies, have learned the skill and use it on a day-to-day basis, although in the case of infants, nobody knows what use they put the knowledge to.

Don't look into the eyes!

Lower rank mind reader[edit]

These are the guys you should be afraid of. They just love to read the minds of people right next to them. On a bus, in an airplane, in a whorehouse, everywhere. You ever been sat in a cafe or perusing the dirty parts of the history books in the library when your phone beeps, and someone has sent you some stupid message by bluetooth? Well, imagine the scary looking librarian,(you know the one with the hair lip and support shoes) gazing into your brain while you are pocket fumbling over naked tribespeople in the National Geographic. Be afraid.

Über mind reader[edit]

You don't need to be afraid of these guys. Your sexual fantasies are too low rank for these guys. They spend their time trying read the mind of God. They take lots of classes to achieve this kind of power and believe me, they know everything, and if you had had a peek in God's mind, you would too. They all belong in secret organizations, like the Freemasons and McDonalds and you can't really know who is one of them, so suspect everyone.

How to learn mind reading[edit]

The question you have all been asking is to be answered now. Yes, you can become one too. One way is to contact shitologists. They will probably remove all your moneyclusters and destroy your life, but so what? At least you believe you can read minds after that. A better way to do this is to contact the nearest mind reading-school in your area. There you will be told all the tips and tricks to mind reading for a small fee - although you don't really need to contact them, for of course, they know you're coming. Is that the doorbell?

And of course there is the self studying route, which is not to be recommended. The easiest way to start it is to go at the nearest bar. There are usually lots of open minded people who are easy to read. People who studied liberal arts in college and cannot find a good paying job, so they just drink alcohol until their mind defenses are all mush. This makes it easier to read their minds. Go sit right next to someone, stare him/her in the eyes and listen carefully. Can you hear anything? This is of course quite dangerous. If the guy who you are staring at realizes that he is being probed, he might just kick the shit out of you. Or he might think you want him, and then he'll have sex with you. And think about the failure when you tried to read peoples minds and next morning everybody knows your sexual fantasies and about the mole on your wife's/husband's left buttcheek.

When you get more advanced you can read the minds of people you play poker with. You can tell when they are bluffing, or you can insert thoughts in their mind that you have a better hand than them. These are the skills sets of Bill Gates that he developed after dropping out of college and getting into software development. He read the mind of CP/M developers to get DOS, he read the mind of Steve Jobs to copy the Macintosh and call it Windows, it lead to Gates becoming a billionaire even if all he has is an IQ of 88. So simple that almost anyone can do it.