Sharktopus
“The Sharktopus taught me how to love william morgan, and how to scold a child.”
“Now that's just plagiarism.”
“Motherfucker killed me”
“He's a GodMod.”
“She doesn't even go here!”
The sharktopus is tough, but fair. Actually, it's not fair at all, it's absolutely merciless and it will just fuck you up! It is also sophisticated, a gourmand and a member of MENSA Elite!!!It is a creature so evil that it was cast from the pits of hell and sent to kill all those who enter the sea. Combining the many rows of serrated teeth found in sharks and the awesome suction cup power of the octopus.
How it kills you, your family, your neighbor and your dog[edit | edit source]
When you venture too close to the ocean, or make the critical error of stumbling into the ocean, you are fucked! The sharktopus will latch on with its tentacles, violate you and then start eating you feet first. It’s believed that it wants you to feel pain, hence the feet first. Man it’s painful, just ask Satan. After it eats you, it then goes after your family.
The sharktopus has three amazing abilities to make its killing arsenal very deadly. Ability the first: it can smell bloodlines. This ability has lead to the extermination of copious amounts of families. And has torn others apart based on bastard children. Nobody is safe. Ability the second: it can go on land when the bloodline vendetta has been announced. Once it has a target it can hunt you down no matter where you are, unless you live in the cloud city of Bespin. Ability the third: it is high skilled in a variety of…skills. Such as its proficiency in Southern Mantis style kung-fu, being adept at handling a variety of firearms, satisfaction of women, political prowess, fishing, building sand castles, pointing out peoples flaws and the fundamental skill of devouring human flesh.
These have made them renowned bounty hunters and mercenaries for the Irish.
The Sharktopi have not been able to go on the moon due to a conflict with the moon people who are all allergic to shell fish so were hasty to get them off there planet.
Military use[edit | edit source]
The Galactic Civil War[edit | edit source]
The gentle sharktopus people managed to remain neutral during the Clone Wars that swept the galaxy, and were quoted as saying "What the fuck is going on?". Clearly they did not realize the weight and height of how important the events were. However, since they missed the whole thing it was no real loss. When Emperor Palpatine seized control of the place the sharktopi still tried to remain neutral. This proved to be impossible as their home planet of Tatooine became
a target of interest after Storm Troopers stormed the world in search of droids that were lost in a sand storm. Storm.
The troopers accidentally knocked over a local sharktopus' bike, damaging it cosmetically. This infuriated the skarktopus and he killed 8 battalions of storm troopers along with 2 maternity wards before he was halted by a good samaritan Rancor, who is believed to be part of the Intergalactic Soonya Commission. This plunged the Sharktopus people into a blood vendetta against the Empire. Served with distinction at every major battle thereafter until the most famous sharktopus Lando Calrissian aided in destroying planet kill moon [Better known as the Death Star v2.0]. Free from the shackles of oppression they returned to Tatooine to take back what was theirs, the sand. Then they realized being half shark and half octopus and living on a desert planet is fucking ridiculous. Nobody ever said sharktopii had 8 brains, only 8 legs, but if it did, you would have to fight off the strong urge to complement the unbounding display of intelligience that would be apparent to all who surround the octiferousvenacapien. They shortly after attacked Mon Calamari and although Admiral Ackbar fought valiantly the planet was eventually lost and the sharktopus claimed it as a new homeworld. Then attacked Coruscant to make sure nobody would fuck with them again. And nobody ever did. The end.
World War II[edit | edit source]
The Sharktopus was enlisted by the Allied forces during the second of two world wars to eat Nazis, communists and zebras. Ike Eisenhower promised the sharktopus food in the form of fat tourists off the coast of Florida for 100 years in turn for them to help turn the tide of the war. The sharktopi hit the ground running and served with distinction at the battles of Normandy, Britain, Hoth and Berlin. They developed a taste for krauts in this time and their actions were nothing short of horrifying. Most frightening was the fact that even those in places above the desert weren’t safe. And that is fucked. Sharktopi were also responsible for dropping the bombs on Hiroshima, Kawasaki Detroit and Besbin. Even though the jobs on japan were carried out without a hitch, and most of the radioactive japanese supermen eaten before they realized their powers, the fact that they blew up Detroit could not be ignored. To make amends they released several prison populations to repopulated Detroit, which explains the vast quantities of crime and gang rape. Beyond that incident they served with distinction and were responsible for assassinating Hitler, after which they were all honourably discharged and rewarded with the medal of galactic heroism for their efforts in saving earth and challenging a blockade of star destroyers, allowing the transports to escape.The sharktopus also learns how to speak russian to persuade stalin to give up control of russia to darth vader.
Human Covent War[edit | edit source]
The sharktopuses being awesome helped the humans by
- Creating the SPARTEN program
- Owning the whole covent armada
- Creating Jazz
- Yelled LEEROY JENKINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After all that the covent crawled back to there crappy planets and died by the Sharktopuses overlords.
The Sharktopi Moon-People Conflict[edit | edit source]
In the 2000s, the sharktopi were going to the moon. After which they found out that the moon people exist and that they are allergic to shell fish. This caused a major conflict between them. After a 6 min. war the sharktopi won. For some unknown reason the sharktopi went back in time to 1969 to prevent the Apollo astronuats from seeing the moon people. There are no moon people now and there never will be. There were none in the first place so this is crap.
Evolutionary Traits[edit | edit source]
The following traits attribute to the overall killing potential and have let the sharktopus thrive for over 300 trillion years. Making them the second oldest creature in the continental United States, second only to the Octoshark.
- They have a miraculous ability to swim underwater without surfacing for air.
- Rows upon rows of steak knives embedded in their mouths that have since become teeth.
- An adept understanding of hyperspace navigation
- Lacking a mercy gene
- A penis that is perhaps too big
- Musical talent, with catchy hooks, intricate solos and time changes
Mating Rituals[edit | edit source]
Are gross. The female blows her brother while their offspring watch, which creates a time-space paradox suitably ripe enough for the fertilized eggs to develop and hatch in another dimension. The male then kicks the female the fuck out of bed with cab money taped to her forehead. This part of the ritual is generally very confusing, as the shark head lacks a forehead along with the hands to remove the cab fare. Truly mind boggling, as no tentacles are involved.
Inventions invented by great sharktopi inventors[edit | edit source]
With the curse and privilege of being half shark and half octopus and pure genius, the sharktopus people had to create a whole slew of crazy shit in order to make life as easy as your mom. Such creations include:
- 8 legged pants
- 2 legged pants
- Solar energy
- The cheetahpult
- Suicide
- Guitar/Keytar/Bass/Drums/Microphones
- Surfing
- Icebergs
- Proton torpedoes
- Biathlon
- Sex
- Rape
- Jazz
- Jazz Hands
Sharktopus in popular culture[edit | edit source]
- On 10 February 2010, The SyFy Channel announced on Twitter the original documentary Sharktopus had begun production. (Models) Almost immedately, saps who believed 2012 doomsday predictions began panicking about sharktopus attacks.
