Bounty hunter
- You may be looking for mullet and not even know it!
“I'm out of paper towels.”
“I don't do it for the money. I just love the people.”
“I grew a mullet, and it's the 2000's. I guess this means I have to be a Bounty Hunter, since hair metal is out of style.”
“Man, I'd pay cash for a coconut filled chocolate bar.”
A bounty hunter is a person who captures criminals and turns them in to the authorities for a reward, which can be either large amounts of cash, or another big-ass tattoo somewhere on their body. Currently, women are (Exception Samus Aran. But who can say no to her?) excluded from the job of bounty hunter, due to the job's requirement of having an inordinately large handlebar moustache. The bounty hunter was associated with masculinity until George Lucas used blue latex and jack boots to make bounty hunting look pretty gay.
Bounty hunting has at times been referred to as skiptracing, but the term never caught on, as nobody has any idea what the hell it even is.
Origins of Bounty Hunting[edit | edit source]
The laws of ancient Israel required any and all murderers to be hunted down and killed by the Avenger of Blood, unless they reached one of six cities of refuge. Although they were not paid for this service, Avengers were regarded as exceedingly wealthy due to how happy their jobs made them. Experts agree that "Avenger of Blood" is a totally badass name, and ought to be brought back, since "bounty hunter" sounds like it has something to do with shopping.
Not wanting to be behind the curve, Israel's contemporaries decided that the "Avenger of Blood" concept had to be the most hardcore law they had ever heard, and proceeded to incorporate it into their own justice systems.
Bounty Hunting in the United States[edit | edit source]
Bounty Hunting became popular in the United States in the 1970's, when George Lucas prominently featured bounty hunters in his sci-fi masterpiece, American Graffiti. Before Lucas's deeply philosophical, highly artistic and not-at-all-nerdy work, only Texans knew what Bounty Hunting even was.
However, by this time, Bounty Hunters in Texas were on the decline, having reached their apex in 1883, when 79% of all Texans were registered Bounty Hunters. This downward trend has continued until, today, only 63% of all Texans are registered Bounty Hunters.
One of Texas's most famous Bounty Hunters of all time was one Charles Algernon Norris, who quickly earned a name for himself by wearing a cowboy hat, a brown duster, and cowboy boots designed specially to facilitate quick, continuous kicks to the face. In 1902, Norris brought the infamous Stuart Little Gang to justice. He is also responsible for the practice of calling bars "saloons." Before Norris, Texans had referred to bars as "winehouses."
Today, Bounty Hunters in Texas are sent after a wide variety of criminals, including criminals, fugitives, escaped convicts, docile convicts, America's Most Wanted, Canada's Most Wanted, Mexico's Most Wanted, Maine's Most Wanted, other Bounty Hunters, black people, Mexican people, liberals, Anne Hathaway, Indonesian street urchins, Oscar Wilde, nuns, and Ice T, preferably sweetened in the Southern manner.
Bounty Hunters in Space[edit | edit source]
For as far as most would care to remember, the Galactic Federation, the leading intergalactic government, has only hired four bounty hunters. Three of which are dead. The remaining hunter killed them after they found her secret ladies movie collection. As mentioned earlier, Samus is the exception to the all male rule in the Bounty Hunter Code of Ethics. Originally, she was intended to distract the Space Pirates while the GF sent in a thermonuclear bomb right into their base. Strangely she effectively ridded the base of all hostiles, blown up the planet, and posed for a PlayBoy centerfold in thirty minutes. Stranger still is that she demanded no compensation for her services. She has repeated this process several times over the course of her career, she has yet to extract a profit from any of the missons. She has made a sizeable fortune from her porn site. Her latest assignment is still a work in progress. It has something to do with random black dudes and ninja teams.
Bounty Hunters in StarGate[edit | edit source]
The brave, heartrending documentary Star Gate featured a Bounty Hunter in one of its episodes.
Using alien technology, the Bounty Hunter, who operated under the dubious moniker Aris Boch, captured MacGuyver and kept him in a prison cell with no paper clips. Eventually, the Guyver escaped by using a gun that he found nearby, already fully assembled.
Although Bach did not have the required facial hair or tattoos, he did possess a Texan accent despite his alien upbringing, so we'll totally let it slide for now. This particular Bounty Hunter served as a gateway drug for other unbearded Bounty Hunters, such as the black guy from that one episode of Firefly.
Bounty Hunters in Star Wars[edit | edit source]
Prominent Bounty Hunters[edit | edit source]
- Greedo
- Aris Boch
- Samus Aran
- Duane "the Canine" Chapman
- This guy
- John F. Kennedy
- Boba Fett
- Rosie O'Donnell
- Stephanie Plum