The Castaways

The Skipper, seen here yelling "All aboard!" even when they had already crashed, got out of the boat, showered, changed clothes, and gathered back on the shore of a derelict isle.

The stranded Castaways are a group of seven people who went out on a small yacht and got lost at sea due to a storm so bad, it was filmed in black and white. The authorities in Hawaii where they sailed from had conducted an extensive search for the missing boat, its crew, and the listed passengers on the manifest but found no trace of them. Had they only went about sixty nautical miles bumfuck southwest from the port they set out from, they would have found Gilligan's Island. It was an unfortunate turn of events for the seven stranded castaways who landed on a deserted isle. It would have been a total loss if it weren't for the passengers who brought everything with them from their houses or mansions in the case of the married couple the Howells.

Although the boat sustained major damage, it wasn't enough to even scratch one of the many possessions that were stowed away for the cruise and eventual crash on the unknown shores of the island. Not to mention that everyone escaped without so much as a broken nail. Not a hair out of place or even a sense of terror that they could be there for the rest of their lives. The crew consisted of only the captain and his first mate known as The Skipper and Gilligan respectively. It was incredible skill that the Skipper was able to pull off such a grandiose crash landing with everything intact, including all life aboard, but still wrecked the hell out of the boat. That would go down in the books as some mighty fancy sailing and phenomenally lucky.

The rumors began to spread throughout all the Waterworld realms and gained notoriety. Then the legend had taken root in modern literature, although the story was told more often as oral folklore. In the same vein as the Tibetan "King Gesar" and the Finnish Kalevala except that it was more about Gilligan's Island and its cast of screw-ups. They were portrayed by impressionists, method actors, stunt doubles, and stand-up comedians. And it all began when the modest vessel named the S.S. Minnow set sail for a three-hour tour and never came back.

Gilligan (First Mate and Lyrical Reference With)

William "Willie" Gilligan was born to be a sailor, but he had to gain experience with the sea at a very young age before his parents allowed him to cross the Mississippi River. At the age of 15, he signed up to be a cabin boy. After he was legally an adult, by southern standards he set out to Hawaii. When applying for work at a small marina he was rejected until he turned, at least 17. Within a year he went back and reapplied and got work as a cabin boy. Only this time he would be working on an official cruise ship and not a pirate ship.

Gilligan expresses his shock at something off-camera.

Work was hard at first. Gilligan kept trying to take passengers luggage and bury it whenever they made port and went out sightseeing. His days of being on a pirate ship had made him behave in erratic ways like that. He was eventually weened off the pirate's way of life after the cruise director made him walk a plank so many times. As a result, Gilligan became more and more adapted to the water than on land. He spent so much time treading water and sailing in general that it caused him to loose his land legs in favor of his sea legs. Being on land was like trying to walk after one had been roller skating for a week straight. He was wobbly, clumsy, and walked like a drunken sailor. Which gave even the most seasoned drunken sailors a run for their money. The comments he'd received from other cast members were spirited and possibly ended up on the Worst 100 Sitcom Catchphrases list.

By the time he'd met up with the Skipper, he was already unbalanced, and a walking disaster into all kinds of trouble. The Skipper couldn't really blame him when he knew how Gilligan got that way so he would hit him with his hat as a gentle reminder that more care should be taken when dealing with obstacles like gravity, distance, and land mass. But when he and the other castaways were facing untold dangers, Gilligan knew how to battle the unknown. He was heroic and noble. He fought against the Grotesque Gator of Chaos when it tried to invade the island. The nearby natives weren't so lucky. Although Mr. and Mrs. Howell were hoping that the gator ended up as their luggage. They needed new luggage. Their old luggage was a bit banged up. And sometimes missing due to being buried for no apparent reason.

Despite their first world problems the millionaire Howell couple were facing in their third world situation, Gilligan kept them and the rest of the cast of castaways in stitches. Sometimes literally. Gilligan was either a genius or a total goofus. He could carry long bamboo poles with hardly any effort, yet dropped them easily if someone walked into him by way of him walking into them. Usually it was the Skipper who was ambushed leaving Gilligan the choice of either running away or picking them back up to hinder another hat beating.

What nobody really knew about Gilligan was his deep understanding of life and the universe that he transcended the tragic events of the shipwreck and turned the unfortunate situation of being a castaway into a kind of method acting role. Ginger caught on, but Gilligan had the skill down to a science. He adapted to literally everything thrown at him. From gorillas, man-eating plants and various creatures, to seething volcanic eruptions and extreme seismic activity that should have sunk the island. He glided through every single episode of disaster by creating his own. Thwarting The Powers That Be. Amid all this, the Professor did warn everyone that the island was sinking slowly. Gilligan was light years ahead of the rest. He adjusted the entire island to fit his own narrative that the island's identity was a surfer and therefore rode the waves accordingly. Naturally everyone else got seasick.

Things Gilligan Could Do Without Killing Himself

• Run at warp speed through jungle, only to end up in the lagoon.
• Piss off the Skipper. Repeatedly.
• Get caught outside the hut during a typhoon, holding onto a tree.
• Fish.
• Help the Professor make strange substances without knowing what he was doing.
• Eating strange substances that the Professor made.
• Piss off the neighboring islands natives.

Skipper (Captain and Lyrical Reference Too)

The Skipper, shocked to learn that the being stranded thing was still a thing

Captain Jonas Grumby was The Skipper of the S.S. Minnow and the tropical nuclear off-center sideways island itself, although Gilligan is the actual owner of said island. He was dismayed about his beautiful boat being beyond repair and cursed the day he bought it from Blackbeard. He was doing so well previously by taking tourists on short excursions, usually lasting a few hours. He upped the tours from two hours to three hours when he brought aboard his new first mate Gilligan, who suggested to make the tours longer giving them enough time to look for buried treasure if they ever happened to stumble across an island near Hawaii. The Skipper questioned Gilligan's logic until he was told that many of those small uncharted islands were filled with luggage when he meant to say buried treasure.

The Skipper being no slouch gave Gilligan not only the role of First Mate, but the title of Pirate Lord as well. Skipper was still the captain but if there was going to be any trouble, having an actual pirate lord as your buddy would undoubtedly come in quite handy. And at one time it did. On one of their mini-cruises they encountered a fleet of pirate ships hell bent on sailing through any small vessels in their way. Once Gilligan hoisted the overused pirate flag, and stood on deck with an eye patch, smoking a pipe, he positioned the Skipper on a plank and threatened to dunk him. The pirates seeing the Skipper, turned around and put wind in their sails to get the hell away. They knew the consequences of previous instances where something heavy falling into the water, like a whale or a wayward alien mothership, caused such capsizing. What's more is that the pirates were a bit unnerved by a seemingly harmless boat named after a small fish. This was the stuff that messed with them. Having seen what little things can do to an entire fleet. Like the legend of the Downsized Dolphin of Disaster for instance.

Skipper's early years in the Navy gave him a large range of skills and made him a seaworthy force to be reckoned with. And for a while he was unstoppable. Until the storm tossed his tiny ship. Then all bets were off. He was presumed lost at sea. He was written off until further notice. His role was unclear for a castaway though, since he seemed more the sidekick to Gilligan than Gilligan to him. But his hat trick was that he always had the last word. For a man that had weight problems, it was so bizarre that he was on an island with no access to a high calorie diet, and never lost a pound. Nothing but fruit, coconut creme pies (thanks to Mary Ann), fish cooked in homemade butter and seasoned with a wealth of herbs that grew naturally on the island. Not to mention the cocktails and appetizers that the Howells would offer their guests of their private golf club.

Things Skipper Was Most Proud Of

• His boat. Although it was pretty unsailable after the infamous weather that got rough.
• His sense of direction.
• His skills and coming up with brilliant solutions, although being rescued was not one of them.
• His being handy with the ladies, and a charmer.
• His hat.

Ginger Grant (a.k.a. The Movie Star)

The actress Ginger Grant would have been spared the ordeal of being stranded in the first place had she not needed to get away from work for a while to get her head together. Although details of her reason to embark on a three-hour tour are somewhat unclear, it can be presumed that she had just broken up with her boyfriend. Who was a famous movie director. Who allegedly did not give her a leading role in an upcoming multi-million dollar production. Who was caught with another famous actress, and who was signing her up for movie roles that were better suited for stunt doubles, extras, or that one movie. No wonder she wanted to just sail away.

Ginger was acting shocked, although she really was genuinely shocked.

She personified everything a sex symbol was, and so glamorous that she shined and sparkled like an island goddess that the men folk could only gaze longingly and dream of her in some mystical place beyond their worlds. Her wardrobe helped her shine and sparkle, but the magic was irrupted if she went for a swim in the nude. That's when the men folk would of course turn their backs and look away. They were not like regular men. Except for Mr. Howell, he really wasn't all that afraid of the female form but he made sure his wife wasn't around if he would steal a glance. Or a kiss.

Whenever there was a role for a character in any production the Castaways would be involved in, Mr. Howell was most always the director. And as such he would naturally cast Ginger for all leading roles. But there were many times she was unfairly demoted because of Mrs. Howell who wanted any and all leading roles. Mr. Howell knew Ginger was the experienced actress who should have been in all the leading roles, and that his wife was a silly goose. But because it was his wife, he had to cave to her wishes. But his wife simply did not have the talent that Ginger possessed. Ginger could sing, dance, and act circles around the wife with an elegance and ease that come with those who are gifted like her. The whole thing stunk on ice whenever Mr. Howell was himself in the role of the Moron CEO William S. Paley who kept his stuff in his wife's purse.

There were a few times that Ginger ended up with the leading role in many of the Howell productions, and there was definitely something more between the actress and the millionaire. Ginger was a tireless booster for the antics of the island's day-to-day chaotic upheavals. Examples include the string of dangerous characters that would show up out of nowhere. And whenever a nasty customer would hold the castaways hostage for whatever reason, Ginger was an expert at using her talents to seduce these halfwits into some agreement or to trap them to gain the upper hand. Unfortunately they were usually just as feckless as the men folk on the island. Or had other women elsewhere who kept their stuff in their purses. Ginger being cool and nonchalant would shrug. But if particularly flustered, she'd pout or appear shocked by the strange behavior of such brutes that were hellbent on doing evil rather than making hay. It was also deranged for anyone, no matter how crazy they were to begin with, to take a group of already stranded people with no hope of escaping, as hostages.

Movies Ginger Starred In

• A romantic comedy that featured her as the love interest of Cary Grant.
• A mystery movie involving a killer who was found out in the end.
• An epic adventure where she was to play opposite Mark Anthony as Cleopatra.
• A romance film where she played a nightclub singer who fell in love with a guy.
• The escape-from-Alcatraz-themed plot of a musical called Sing A Song of Sing Sing.
• Another prison escape movie called San Quentin Blues.
• A haunted house horror film of some kind.
• Some spy movie involving double agents and the usual villains.
• A native film entitled Standing Cow, Daughter of Sitting Bull (cameo).

Mr. Howell (a.k.a. I Own It All)

Mister Howell was shocked, I tell you! Just shocked! The nerve!

This guy. Mister Thurston Howell III was brought up with a silver spoon. Not the kind that a rich baby puts in his mouth, but something he was supposed to keep around as a security measure or something. It warded off poverty. He was smart and built his fortune up and was the original Wolf of Wall Street. He knew how to play the Stock Market, horse races, major sporting events, Poker, Billiards, Blackjack, Uno and Twister. Though the last one he had to give up due to joint pain. His golf game was also something he was proud of despite his tricky elbow.

He met his wife at some fancy-schmancy dinner party and asked her to marry him. She was also rich and came from a wealthy family. This worked out well for both of them since they would be coming into a marriage of love rather than necessity. And they did love each other, there were childlike qualities in both of them. They never grew up in the way most people do because of their wealth and family backgrounds, so they retained some characteristics of their childhoods. Mr. Howell slept with a Teddy Bear and called on servants to bring him things even when there were no servants around. Being shipwrecked was no excuse, so he would fire the help for slacking on the job. His wife had a similar attitude. She'd ring her little bell when she wanted something. Gilligan being such a good guy, would come running. Complete with a tray of goodies and a hot towel.

It didn't stop there, the couple had construction done while on the island. They owned a good portion of real estate to feature their own private golf club, theater, bowling alley, and beachfront property complete with a cocktail bar. Their hut was also larger than everyone else's huts, with walk-in closets and a servants quarters. Anything weird that would happen, they stood confident and poised. Having trunks full of money was something that afforded them to act invincible. And they often attempted to buy favors with it. But they were doomed to failing at bribery since anyone they could buy in a general sense were on equal ground with them being hopelessly lost and having little to no chance of being rescued. And when natives from other islands dropped by, it was such a foreign concept to Mr. Howell that they had absolutely no use for whatever he owned, whatever he had. And his inner child would come out and he would roll his eyes, or sob uncontrollably, or just become totally shocked.

Things That Mr. Howell Owned

• A mansion in every state.
• A dozen vacation homes in various countries around the world.
• 100 private clubs that are so private their whereabouts cannot be listed here.
• A fleet of ocean liners.
• A good number of yachts.
• At least fifteen private jets.
• The Plaza Hotel (and all eight blocks around it) in Manhattan, New York.
• Every major shipping lane into and out of New York.
• Several shipping lanes on the West Coast.
• Earth.
• Part of Saturn and time shares on Jupiter.

Mrs. Howell (a.k.a. Lovey)

Lovey was rather shocked, darling. It was all she could do given the circumstances.

Lovey Wentworth was an international hostess who married Thurston Howell III. Being fluent in French and Italian, she would have been the island's best ambassador to high class visitors had it been located anywhere near civilization. Instead it was located near natives who practiced ancient traditions like eating people.

As if it weren't bad enough that she and her husband were out of the loop in the high stakes world of Wall Street, they were forced to rough it out on a tropical jungle island without all the luxuries they were used to. But because they did bring all their luggage containing most of their belongings from at least two of their mansions, they were much better off than the other castaways. Mrs. Howell was a bit spoiled but she was a caring motherly type to the others, including her own husband. There were times she would walk around the island as if she had just finished bringing home quite a haul from a day of shopping, and having it organized and put into categories. She was often pleased with the results of her hard work and she would sit back and relax knowing that her life was well organized and clutter-free. Clutter-free in the sense that every available space where things could be stored was used. The cave system. The fallen palms that were hollowed out by the elements. And the extensions made to her living quarters.

Lovey's personality is flighty, frivolous, and aloof. While she is charming in her high class way, it has been said by her own husband that she can be a bit careless and clueless, not understanding how hard people work to make him money. Even being shipwrecked wasn't anything to bring her spirits down, or her usual habits for the finer things. With the other castaways there, she was able to live a comfortable life despite the fact that it was more or less back to the Stone Age.

There were often times that she fought with her husband over petty things but they never fought over the really big things that mattered. Like being stranded and possibly never getting rescued. And there they were, owners of jets, ships, railroads, companies on the Stock Exchange and there was never a peep about not having enough back up or the wherewithal to actually be rescued. It was almost an unspoken agreement that no matter what, Gilligan or the Skipper, or both, would be the ones to ultimately bear the burden of whatever would happen to them. And to some degree, the Hawaiian Coast Guard for being as much in the Stone Age as they now found themselves in.

Lovey's Favorite Hobbies

• Traveling.
• Wearing bright, sparkly diamonds (the kind that can be seen from space).
• Walking very lightly, arms held up at the elbows so that her gloves don't get smudged.
• Playing golf or croquet even if the area is mainly sand.
• Learning new skills like sewing and washing, by watching others do all of that.
• Influencing people with bribery. In the sweetest way, of course.
• Pushing buttons. Especially her husband's.
• Sipping tea with only the best people.

The Professor

The Professor was logically shocked. But he reserved his shock for truly shocking situations.

Roy Hinkley, a.k.a. the professor a.k.a. "Professor" (never "Doctor"), was the most educated castaway among the bunch. Not that it helped much for getting anywhere near civilization again in spite of repeated (and failed) attempts, but his knowledge and skills sure came in handy. He constructed a power grid with a bicycle made of bamboo and was able to keep the radio alive by using the natural resources of the island to recharge the batteries.

He was a high school science teacher, and had a degree in psychology, law, literature, social sciences, and the arts. But the one field he was most expert in was botany. He was working on his book about ferns when he found himself shipwrecked with a group of people who wasn't really living in reality television and the concept of being voted off the island was as foreign to them as aliens. So the Professor was more or less a lone wolf. Who happened to play Chess.

There was a romance he shared with Ginger, and although they never seemed to be in an affair it was fairly obvious when they were making a movie (because that's what happens when you're trying to be rescued) and their role was to play lovers. The professor had Ginger in quite a long liplock. The Professor was also crazy about Mary Ann and he dated Lovey, too. There was no way this man wasn't getting any. But he knew he had to share with Gilligan and Mr. Howell. And possibly the Skipper. But nobody thought of that because it was taboo. And a curse.

The Professor saved their lives many times. He thwarted the Giant Goldfish of Doom by casting a wide net from the cliffs of the island causing it to chew through it and attack some random sharks to make up for its humiliation. The Professor was actually trying to use the net as a cable-link device to pick up an internet connection. He saved them from a series of Gothmogs and Assassins at one point and then went on to save them from some Ninjas. And he did all of this using his skill with coconuts. He had quite the collection of books that he brought with him, and he often looked things up even when he was virtually a walking encyclopedia.

Things The Professor Invented

• Bamboo power grids.
• Bamboo plumbing.
• Coconut headphones.
• Coconut scales.
• A laboratory – complete with transparent vials and beakers but with a Pier 1 Imports motif.

Mary Ann (a.k.a. The Girl of Your Dreams)

Mary Ann. The most shocked of all.

Mary Ann Summers was The Girl Next Door who was very shy but pretty. Her shyness was more or less cured after Mr Hot Stuff had to show her the ropes. And maybe a little bit of leather. She was a superstar of the island along with her friend Ginger. They were the only game in town. Even when the town was non-existent. She made the island a paradise and romped around in such a carefree way that had the guys been pirates instead of well-mannered gentlemen, she would have had to pose for paintings, pictures, posters and just in general before being chased around the lagoon.

Mary Ann would still maintain her charming innocent ways, even when she was going through a phase of being a regular Cockney girl Mary Poppins wannabe who Mr Hot Stuff had taught how to talk, and how to walk, and how to dress like a regular lady. Although she seemed to hang around chimneys causing her face to be smudged in soot. The Professor couldn't quite understand where on the island the chimneys were, and it really bothered him. It wasn't until Lovey channeled Mary Poppins herself and flew around under an umbrella that the Professor had hidden away from the group for a couple of weeks. After that Mary Ann was missing him and went back to just being Mary Ann. Dressing like a lady was optional. The guys weren't complaining.

Mary Ann's culinary and baking skills were renowned and made her the top chef of the island. Her coconut creme pies were so good that they became a staple of all their feasts. And her breakfast brunches were top notch. She could bake anything, and it's a good hunch that she must have found the legendary Sampo. An unlimited supply of flour, eggs, sugar, salt, milk and apparently a decent oven, were things that she never stressed over running out of. Although no chickens or cows lived on the island, their help was greatly appreciated. But the Skipper, Gilligan and the Professor all had their skills at flaming up tasty meals. Having several cauldrons they would simmer soups, broths, and the occasional mystery item stew. When the Cast Iron Caldron of Catastrophe had washed ashore, they used that until everyone got so sick and started hallucinating land sharks and cigar-smoking crawfish that they sent it out on a raft where it disappeared from view.

When Gilligan wanted to marry her, she accepted his proposal until they were rescued. When he asked why, he found that she was already engaged to some farm boy back home. Gilligan settled on those terms as long as he could still date Ginger, and Judy Garland whose role in the Wizwang of Ooze reminded him of Mary Ann. And sometimes Lovey reminded Gilligan of a blonde Judy Garland, so naturally he would be allowed to date her, as well.

Mary Ann's List

• Pumpkins.
• Strolling down a country road.
• Baking.
• The Fair.
• Breezes blowing through wheat fields.
• Lip gloss.
• The Mosquitoes.
• Sunbathing in the nude.
• Sunny.
• Cheerful.
• Perky (lots of perky).
• Mascara.
• Wild Thing.
• Farms.
• America.
• And the rest.

Where They Are Now

When the castaways were rescued after 100 years, it was due to fire. Not a fire on the island but their own huts they had tied together to form a kind of giant raft. Gilligan had decided to build a campfire in one of the hut's closets and smoke billowed out of the windows. Sure that they were going to sink, the smoke actually saved them when a coast guard helicopter spotted the ridiculous monstrosity. At first the pilot thought that the natives were having a Viking funeral. Looking closer, it was discovered that there were people alive and they were all white. What's more, the pilot was forced to send for help just to avoid any further bowling balls being hurled at his aircraft.

The Boogie Bees that bugged the Mosquitoes.

There was a huge celebration given for the castaways being back to civilization, and they hit the ground running. Ginger got back to her life as an actress. The Professor got back to his studies and teaching science. Mary Ann went back home to the farm. The Howells were reunited with all their high society types. Yet Gilligan and the Skipper were not as lucky as the rest. They were embroiled in court drama with the insurance company. They had to come up with proof that they didn't cause the S.S. Minnow to wreck. The courts (being slaves and subservient to insurance companies) tried to have the duo tried for insurance fraud, negligent cruising, sailing under the influence, and homicide.

It wasn't until Gilligan and Skipper personally got signatures from the passengers who had been shipwrecked all those years ago, stating that it was a freak storm and that no one was at fault that the insurance company finally gave up and gave the money owed to the Skipper. They wanted Gilligan in return but the courts would not allow it. It was weird how they wanted Gilligan in exchange to do what was right, but they weren't getting him. It was discovered afterward they wanted him to marry one of their daughters. After his experience with a fate worse than death when a fat native girl from another island wanted to marry him, he wasn't going for it. And he had proof of his injuries to which the courts awarded him a huge sum of money due to the insurance company being bastards and trying to kill Gilligan to get even with the Skipper.

With the money in hand, the Skipper bought another boat. He called it the Minnow II. Why? Just why? The Titanic Made of Wood was a better name if he wanted to keep going with using an already cursed name. It can be pointed out in seafaring lore that once a vessel sinks, naming anything after it, is cursed. And just as bad luck would have it, the Minnow II went out on another tour, got stuck in a storm and crashed on the same island as was before. What's even more mind-boggling is that the former passengers were actually with Gilligan and the Skipper when this happened. Somehow they had talked the others into going on another outing in their new boat. Seriously could not make this up. To add to that, they were all being followed by spies and Gilligan ruined another compass that would have helped them all.

After some time, the island's inhabitants started upgrading to more sophisticated jungle types.

Fortunately enough, as in last time, everyone brought enough luggage with them to remain fashionably shipwrecked. But as usual they didn't bring any item with them that would help them to be rescued. Items like a cell phone, or anything that could radio for help, let alone a good supply of flares. No signaling apparatus. No telescope. No self-inflating life raft. No navigational chart. No updated map. No brains.

While they shuffled around in their old stomping sands, Gilligan managed to find two wrecked military airplanes. These were somehow missed in the entire time they were on the island the first time. While inspecting the planes, Gilligan proceeded to play with the mounted machine gun and sprayed bullets everywhere. Everyone was dodging bullets. No one seemed to have even been grazed. But mirrors were busted, laundry was destroyed, and Skipper was nearly blown up by hiding behind an oil drum. Another item they seemed to have missed during all those years. Something that would have helped them in the past. These people would be horrible at Easter Egg Hunts.

The Professor somehow talked everyone into helping him put the two planes together. The Howells didn't do anything. But they did watch the others work. Bamboo doors. Pieces of planes strewn together. Getting the engines started with bamboo bicycles because hey, that's how it's done. The plane was called Minnow III because they had a death wish that spanned a lifetime. After taking off and getting the rusted death trap to actually fly, it wasn't long before Gilligan managed to parachute out of the bamboo airlock. The Professor had to turn the plane around. The story goes that he turned around for Gilligan's sake, but it was because the engines were actually falling off the plane.

The usual visitors to the island were always over-the-top and dramatic.

However this time they weren't stranded for long. The Navy Seals who were watching from a ship, spotted the blip on their radar of the plane before it disappeared from view and followed where it went. They just casually walked onto the island and introduced themselves as "We have a boat" to which the startled castaways started celebrating after being suspicious. Then the Howells started talking about money. In normal everyday life, the Navy cannot spend resources on following buckets of metal around even if they do fly. Those islands out in the Pacific Ocean have numerous pranksters and these things are quite normal during a Pacific War. In this instance it was the Hawaiians vs Japanese Stomping Fish.

The island was annexed and finally got a place on the map. The island would no longer be an unknown deserted island, even when it was a nuclear testing site that caused severe side effects as well as being stranded. The Howells bought the island and made it into a vacation resort where visitors could experience the chance to live as castaways except without actually being shipwrecked. And unable to escape. Sharks still lurked in the waters nearby but they were more or less told to knock it off and stop being predatory sea vamps.

Before the construction, and the hiring of island natives from all over the ocean, the castaways had to deal with a roach problem. They conquered the main culprit and sent the Chameleon Cockroach of Calamity across the sea into the next sea. Next they had to remove the Mutant Mammoth of Mayhem from the prehistoric area of the island and that meant that Gilligan would have to say farewell to his dinosaur friend, as well. Then had to say goodbye to the strange family who plunged a thousand feet to their lost land. But it was all good, since there was an island for them to go to, although they would be subjected to being featured as entertainment for the tourists. In this case the tourist trap was that the tourists were ultimately the ones doing the entertaining. By being the main course.

Dying to get off the island due to bad acting

Once the resort was open for business, they had all kinds of weirdos who came out to the themed island for a getaway. They pulled in so many guests that they made a fortune. They even hired a mysterious man and his sidekick midget to host some fun and games. The guests were always a colorful bunch of people, who arrived on the island by motorboat. Naturally it was named Minnow IV. This would explain stowaways from time to time that would disappear into the jungle and never be seen again. It was fitting. The Minnow started out as a small yacht, then recycled to another one just like it. Then ended up on a flying pile of junk, and now demoted to a simple motorboat for transporting visitors from a cruise ship to the resort. How much trouble could that be?

When the motorboat couldn't get into any trouble, the island stirred up something to cause a plane to crash in the ocean where the only hope for survivors would be to make their way past angry sharks and land on the beach. This is exactly what happened when the Harlem Globetrotters happened to be in a plane and crashed off the shores of the island and found themselves in a tiny raft that met the greatest annoyance ever known. They had enough sense to plummet to their certain deaths with basketballs. As was wise of them, they needed those to toss into a shark's mouth just to stop it from eating them. Most people watching from the shore were disappointed. They were rooting for the shark.

Once on the island, they were confronted by an evil tyrant trying to obtain the island all for himself. Being evil, slimy, and conniving wasn't enough to have him thrown off the island. The castaways were always such pushovers. But the basketball team rightfully called it out as a bunch of white people they would have gladly faced the shark again rather than put up with the madness of Gilligan's island. They were somehow suckered into playing a game against robots. That's right! Robots! They won, of course, by throwing Gilligan through the hoop. They barely escaped with their lives. Gilligan was not even scratched, the castaways fed the tyrant to the sharks, giving the outcome their guests wanted during the first shark encounter with the basketball team, and the castaways lived and then died. Except for Ginger. Actresses are immortal.

The Most Famous Sea Shanty Of All Time

The Wheel of Misfortune

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a fateful trip
That started from this tropic port
Aboard this tiny ship.

The mate was a mighty sailin' man,
The skipper brave and sure.
Five passengers set sail that day
For a three-hour tour.
A three-hour tour.

The weather started getting rough.
The tiny ship was tossed.
If not for the courage of the fearless crew
The Minnow would be lost.
The Minnow would be lost.

The ship set ground on the shore of this
Uncharted desert isle
With Gilligan,
The skipper too,
The millionaire and his wife.
The movie star,
The professor and Mary Ann (a.k.a. "and the rest")
Here on Gilligan's Isle.

Cast of Characters. Warhol style.

Now this is the tale of our castaways.
They're here for a long, long time.
They'll have to make the best of things.
It's an uphill climb.

The first mate and his skipper too
Will do their very best
To make the others comfortable
In their tropic island nest.

No phone, no lights, no motorcar,
Not a single luxury,
Like Robinson Crusoe,
It's primitive as can be.

So join us here each week my friend,
You're sure to get a smile,
From seven stranded castaways
Here on Gilligan's Isle!

In living color!

(Additional lyrics added after they took over the wild and brought in extras)

Now this is the tale of the castaways,
A delightful port of call.
You're welcome to come back each week,
To get away from it all.

No phone, no lights, no motorcar,
What a wondrous luxury.
Without all of those problems
In our society.

So join us here each week, my friend.
You're sure to get a smile,
Staying with the Castaways
Here on Gilligan's isle.