Mutant Mammoth of Mayhem
Nominated Article
The Mutant Mammoth of Mayhem existed around 12 million B.C., give or take a couple millennia. It was said to be extinct when the alleged Ice Age was being tested as a sort of Endless Winter event. Although many have come forward from the frozen wastelands to decry such an event. They were frozen by other means and claim that no such Age of Ice had ever occurred. When archeologists asked how they became frozen, they shrugged it off as being silly and messing with the sun dial located near the North Pole.
But the mystery remained of how the mutant mammoth lived and supposedly died never to be heard from again. Many drawings made by Neanderthals are to be found on cave walls, showing a typical mammoth with several sets of tusks like whiskers on a kitten. It had large floppy ears that could perk up and create a sort of wingspan so it could fly. It possessed a shiny green‑ish fur coat which enabled it to hide in the jungle and surprise passersby. And it ate everything in sight. If it was smaller than the mammoth, it was considered food. Except for kittens or cats. Or anything that is cute and adorable.
The mammoth measured around 800 yards in length and stood over 62 feet tall. It was estimated to weigh 500,000 pounds. The prehistoric marvel was sought after for many years until it was apparently brought back to life by some crazy amusement park tycoon. Incidentally the amusement park tycoon was eventually stopped from his insane quest to bring back prehistoric mammals, fish, mythical beings, fat unicorns, ill‑natured fairies, cursed mummies, and vicious plant life. He was shot with a tranquilizer dart and carried off by pigeons.
Reports about rampages the mammoth was unleashing upon the world at large spread like Fire and Brimstone, and so far no one has been able to capture it. Authorities have tried but they somehow keep forgetting it can fly and that once it is airborne nobody really wants to stand within range of its flight pattern. As of the writing of this article, the mutant mammoth is still causing mayhem. Any attempts to reach its agent has been an ongoing process.
A Typical Day in the Era of Ages[edit | edit source]
Prehistoric times were said to be a great period in which to live. It was peaceful and beautiful. Cave people were also very good at staying fit and athletic. A lot of good times were had at beaches, coastlines, shores of dried-up lava and not-yet submerged continental shelves. Raquel Welch was there and men of that time really enjoyed hanging out with the bikini-clad women who populated a few places on the unexplored earth. The only times things were terrifying for anyone was when the mammoths began to stampede across the land, devouring golden plains of literal gold left over from the Lower Palaeolithic period. And they didn't stop there. They enjoyed devouring the diamonds that the soft soils in the valleys of the Bermuda Triangle coughed up, before another event flooded the entire area creating what is now the Atlantic. The creatures that inhabited the earth were either too afraid of all other creatures and stayed indoors, or they challenged anything that seemed easy enough to bite into and snap in half. This reflected what a typical day was like back then.
There were humanoids dodging large scary things and there were large scary things just running amok. The mammoth is the one exception to the rule. Mammoths in general liked staying out of the sun due to its heavy fur and size. They could overheat easily and needed to stay cool. Many migrated to cooler climates just to be able to move around without having a heatstroke. The mutant mammoth was one of a kind and traveled extensively. It even hung out in Middle Earth, specifically near Mordor and would often fly around the volcano that featured as its glorious monument.
Orcs were all over the place and the mammoth saw that as an endless feast. It was. That mammoth ate more than half the army reserves Mordor had, causing Sauron, the country's then-leader to send invites to other nations in the NATO empire to amass great enough numbers in his ambitions to destroy Gondor and anywhere else he saw fit. Which was everywhere else involving everyone else. The mammoth however ate many of the soldiers from other nations and then had NATO as dessert. These events were all during the era of ages. Give or take a couple of millennia. But when the mammoth was free to roam again after being brought back, there were serious problems. Fortunately NATO had been recreated as well for the sole purpose to be sacrificed to the beast. The mutant mammoth of mayhem.
Years Are Longer for Massive Things[edit | edit source]
One of the mammoth's closest relatives had been assigned to duties that the mammoth itself could never accomplish, such as being better at giving piggyback rides through the jungle and harvesting large crops of bananas, corn, and wheat. It also worked better with circus freaks in circus acts. One such circus freak act involved a man who was half mammoth, half human, and half cabbage. The resentment was bitter when the mammoth was basically out of work for entire epochs. Thankfully The Powers That Be decided to extend the lifespan of mammoths everywhere and granted them a section of the earth where the fourth layer of The Circle of Life could experience a typical year that for most other lifeforms would be over in a week. Although the cavemen protested this decree, it was to no avail since none of them really knew how to count. Except for Pythagoras, who threatened to quit the whole prehistoric scene over such stupidity.
Studies were conducted since there was nothing else to do. Math and the concept of time took enough time that cavemen started being more like hut dwellers. Then they started living in castles. Eventually some went out of their way to live on mountain tops and trees just to keep an eye on the fiery circle in the sky to see what it would do. But what they didn't understand was that it wasn't the fireball in the sky that caused time to move differently for them and the massive things of the earth but the fact they were on a totally different timetable. It wasn't until the Time Bandits came onto the scene that everyone was thrown into warp speed to the past and the future at the same time. All calculations were off, several different calendars were invented. New holidays were added and some were taken away, like the ones that involved slave-labor, while politicians granted them to themselves and added an extra week on top of those and subtracted the weekends for farmers. Adding weekends for those who roamed around and acted like they were doing something meaningful, while tweaking with timelines without using a Decimal. Pythagoras lost it.
Mayhem[edit | edit source]
Since ancient creatures were in fact being brought back to life and dropped off at an isolated island that was soon to be an amusement park, the mutant mammoth would naturally be one of the star attractions. Among main headliners it would be billed along with Tyrannosaurus Rex, Brontosaurus, Giganotosaurus Rex, Velociraptor, and Raptor Jesus. Naturally the mutant mammoth had other ideas than to be sweetly featured as a sort of circus freak side show. It wanted to ruin things. It wasn't alone, either. T‑Rex and a lot of the other monster masses wanted to break stuff. They started with their living quarters.
The mutant mammoth knocked over huge chunks of brick walls, fences, and some nearby trees. Then proceeded to eat what it could of the trees, and the fences, and the brick walls. The trees were hard for it to chew, but it didn't matter. The other materials were left bitten and mangled. The mammoth went off looking for more things to devour. The other beasts wrecked the information center. Mammoth found the warehouse that held all the hay and the birdseed. This wasn't nearly enough. Mammoth was very insulted by this outrage. In light of that, mammoth made its way across the water and onto the mainland. Stomping through streets and buildings, it overturned kitchen appliances and convenient stores.
There it got into all the junk food meant for humans, and a few hours later the massive woolly creature threw up. Because of its attitude and highly irritable, it threw up all over the Police Academy, the police box, and the Police State. The mammoth was daring the police to do something about that. They never did. The mammoth then ate more junk food, a few clowns, some pedestrians, a handful of excited tourists just because, and all the dough in a bread factory. It bloated up and made its way to a posh hotel and slept over the entire north wing. The hotel's guests had to be rescued by firefighters.
A Protected Species[edit | edit source]
In spite of the destruction caused by the mammoth, it was considered an endangered species since it could not reproduce like other species that had gone extinct for other reasons. In the mutant mammoth's case it simply could not produce any offspring. The many tusks it possessed was such a problem that it could never get close enough to regular female mammoths. When the mutant mammoth wasn't eating all the food in sight, it was horny. But it was really the tusks.
The amusement park owner rebuilt everything and managed to get the park's attractions back into their areas, after it was agreed that they would have run of the place and if they didn't want tourists around they'd have every right to ask them to leave. Nobody was going to argue with a gigantic carnivore. Rules were set by what the inhabitants wanted. The park owner was just going to have to deal with that. If he wanted to live.
However, because the mutant mammoth was on a rampage and couldn't be coaxed back to the island, it had to be run out of all cities and towns until it calmed down. Added to the protected species list, it sought out its familiar home and era of time. It was an unhappy event that caused all its grief. A misfortune that could have been avoided. Being protected from then on, because everybody cares. It was the least that could be done. After all, the crazy policies of the Police State that enabled crazy people to do such mindless things and the atrocities of the following nonsense was the root cause.
There were outcries of injustices that were done to all the inhabitants of earth, past and present. It wasn't a thing to bring back prehistoric beings when they were probably hanging out at some alternate dimension and just chilling. New Age gurus had warned against the practice of doing any of this sort of thing. But the average person had already been poisoned against listening to the gurus because of the sensational advertisements on television promising that they, too, could experience what it was like to run for their lives away from something trying to eat them. It wasn't until crazy people took over the Police State and made it into a giant igloo that the mammoth was sure to return one day. As long as it lived, there were feasts yet to be had. Roamings still to be ventured upon. Factories yet to be destroyed.
