Big Fat Ass Floating Cupcake

A menacing abomination that threatens your sweet tooth.

Big Fat Ass Floating Cupcake is what its name suggests. A large cake-like food that floats and glides through the air. It was baked in the oven of a crazy baker who brought it to life after applying massive amounts of icing on top of it. It was to be a companion to the baker, but the baker sadly passed away. The cupcake started to eat more frosting and would have developed a smoking habit, but could only chew tobacco. Hence it was a big, fat ass, floating cupcake that spits tobacco.

“I would kill for a cheese stake and a bottle of scotch!”

~ A female stowaway who was starving but not enough to want a cupcake

Origins

That face. That grimacing face.

When the baker who made the sweet treat had passed away, Cupcake wandered around a little known area of the world known as Hell's Bucket. It languished in obscurity and started getting bigger and bigger. It had some very bad habits and started to lash out at sailors who happened to be unlucky enough to come across its path when attempting to sail through the cursed and whacky waters of Hell's Bucket. No one knows why the cupcake decided to hang around a weird sea like that, but it floated so it was never in danger of drowning.

A long time had passed since the massive sugary sulking cake had seen or talked with anyone. It was severely distressed and lonely. But instead of floating back to an island or even a small country and seeking any kind of moral support, it just got more and more feisty and mean. It would bully sharks if they tried to jump out of the water to eat it. It would spin around and splatter frosting all over dolphins for just looking at it. At one point, it teased a giant iceberg until the iceberg woke up and started to poke at it, then the cupcake sped away leaving a trail of chocolate brownie crumbs behind. That of course brought about every sea dwelling inhabitant into the wake, to fight over pieces of the cranky cake.

Rumors started to be repeated from port to port, and town to town about the disparaging dessert. That if seen, it should be avoided. That one should never even attempt to eat it, God forbid. It would more than likely eat you. Yet even with a growing popularity in dark sea shanties that placed it with the likes of killer whales and other large predators, it remained obscure enough that most folks would have wondered why such a thing would bother them if they encountered it. Brushing it off as just another misunderstood mousse.

Baking Instructions

It's really simple.

Cupcake of doom!

First step is to find an oven that goes to at least 1000° and baking pans that can withstand those temperatures.
Next, fill in the pan with a layer of grease. Such as Crisco or something just as bad. Then get busy with the mixing of the ingredients.

Add 2 cups sugar into a large mixing bowl.
Stir in 6 egg whites.
Add half a bottle of vanilla extract and a pinch of Tabasco.
Add 2 cups sugar.
Add in the egg yolks after whipping the mix for 20 minutes straight.
Add another cup of sugar.
Prepare the icing using all the same ingredients but without the eggs.
Stir in some fancy cake decorations.
Pour into pan.
Bake at 750° for 5 hours, or until a roast fork can be inserted without sticking.
Grab the icing, and slather it all over the top.
With a cookie cutter, cut as needed and plop into cupcake wrapping.
Set in the refrigerator for 3 minutes or until cool.
Cooling time may vary depending on how much crap you have in there.
See if the dog will eat it.

Sprinkles with the Law

The grumpiness was one thing, but the creamy flying frosted epitome of a chip-on-the-shoulder got into trouble. Lots of trouble. It started to stalk fishing boats and doing fly-bys just to scare fishermen out of their wits. Some were even so distraught that they jumped overboard only to be face to face with a half-man, half-shark. Or a giant iceberg. If the shark guy didn't do anything, the iceberg would. Several fishermen were lost at sea and reported as drowned because the truth was too awkward for their crew to admit, which was that the iceberg poked at them until they died.

Mugshot of a very strange muffin.

Then the cankerous cupcake spotted the ship known as the Filthy Whore and started stalking the vessel. There was a little discord onboard and the snarling sugary sourpuss had seen this and made notes. Watching from a fair distance. It waited until there was an opportunity to strike. While it glided back and forth unseen by the dysfunctional crew it noticed purple lightning, a female swimmer, and a far off island that looked like a bad dream brought on by a quart of Jack Daniel's and bad sausage. And a big guy that sold electric toothbrushes to flying Leprechauns.

When the captain and his crew decided to get rid of one of the crew members by dragging him behind the ship on a raft made of plank wood, the devious delectable accosted the doomed man. He was hallucinating by this point so the cupcake came up to him and spit tobacco at him and then flew off. This was basically second degree assault and charges were filed. When the police finally caught the cupcake, it pleaded the fifth by spinning around wildly and spraying the walls with tobacco. It was sentenced to be pigeon food

But the cupcake was determined to escape and get revenge on the fishermen of the Filthy Whore for all of this. Eventually the frosted frosting-covered fat face escaped his cell by slipping through the bars on account of his greasy layers. It flew off into the horizon and headed straight for Hell's Bucket. It found that the Filthy Whore had grown a beard, that the crew were stranded on the weird island, and that the big guy was about to clip off one of their heads with a pair of nail clippers. But as fortune had it, they escaped and the cupcake began spitting tobacco at the defeated giant man. Although he seemed dead, he wasn't really. The cupcake was caught and promptly eaten. Crumbs fell from the giant's mouth and of course, every fish, and mammal and half-breed shark man rushed to eat what was left.

Theme Song

Toothy old freak.

Stars Are Strange

I'm fancy, lots of money
Hold up the boat for me!
'Cause I don't want a monkey
From a toothy old freak

Inflict foot pain in vain.

Those brutes catch fish and stink, mostly the latter
They get drunk and almost fall overboard
Sailing to Hawaii is all that should matter
But they're out of their little gourd
And I'm petrified, oh no, oh-oh

I knew it was bad luck to swim through Hell's Bucket.

Those twinkly things in the sky
So sparkly, they are strange
On an island there's a large guy
He's so deranged

I forget their technical name
Those sparkly things that look like jewels
Stomp icebergs, inflict foot pain
Let's see what coffee can do
I'll buy a monkey for you

Picasso à la pastry.

Ohh, ohh, ohh

Look, purple lightning's so fun
It's always a good sign
Sailing Hell's Bucket in the sun
And icebergs that come alive
I just want a bottle of Scotch and cheese stakes
You rarely see fat ass floating cupcakes
That spit tabacco, oh no, ohh

Those twinkly...(Chorus repeats)

Gadinga pachinga
Glow-in-the-dark bowling balls
Winka kalinka
Cross town bus, UFOs
oh no, no, no

See Also

• Chocolate brownie
• Food
• Bitter
• Unreasonable hysteria