Why?:Is my house on fire
If this sounds like you, then you have came to the right place! You probably have many questions such as the following:
- What the Hell?
- Why does the house smell like smoke?
- Is the toast ready yet?
- Who set the thermostat to 1300 degrees F?
- What the Hell?
- Did I remember to turn off the stove?
- Where's my wife's will and life insurance policy?
- Who poured gas all over the sofa?
- Why is my dog burning?
- Why is my house on fire?
Well thats a lot of questions! Fear not, as help is on the way!
How to Tell if Your House is on Fire[edit | edit source]
The first thing you should do before trying to determine why your house is on fire is determine if it is indeed on fire. Burning houses typically exhibit at least 3 or more of the following symptoms:
- Smoke -Smoke is the result of an inefficient incomplete combustion reaction resulting in that thick black stuff coming from the kitchen. If the smoke is coming over the water, recite the following line, "Smoke, on the waaa aaater" and take another bong hit, you hippie!
- Intense Heat -It is a sure sign that something is wrong when you find your skin has fused with your clothing, and the only way you can cool off is with boiling water. In that case, check to see if you are still on earth, as you may be in hell itself. Or New Jersey. Hell's not hot enough for you? Get back in the river of boiling blood you sinner! Satan will be with you in just a moment. Lube up.
- Fire -Fire is probably the most definitive symptom of a house fire. For example, playing Through the Fire and Flames on a guitar can and probably will cause a fire do to spontaneous combustion. Fire is hot. Very hot. Unfortunately your dog did not know that, as I burning your dog. Oopsie!
- Your House -In order for there to be a house fire, you need to have a house to catch on fire. Don't have one? House can be used interchangeably with apartment, trailer, group home, cell, cardboard box...etc. All of those are types of houses, and therefore can burn (the box can burn quite nicely).
Why is my House on Fire?[edit | edit source]
Now that you know that your house is indeed on fire, you probably want to know why? Here are some situations:
Electrical Fire[edit | edit source]
Suppose it is Christmas and you just put up 10,000 lights, glowing Nativity scenes and dancing Santas. Naturally, doing so would not seem to be such a fire hazard, but it is. If your electrical system is old, or you just simply overdid it with the moving reindeer, you are in grave danger of having an electrical fire due to the overloading of your circuits.
Don't have lights up? Electrical fires can also be started by short circuiting an outlet, often by putting assorted items in electrical outlets, which, despite the inherent dangers is as addictive as crack.
Cooking Gone Wrong[edit | edit source]
Husbands, do you have a wife who cannot cook? Not living up to your chauvinistic standards? If so, your ineffective wife could be your prime suspect as to the cause of the fire. In that case, treat the situation as if it were 1692 in Salem and burn that witch!
Not married? Married and have a wife that can cook? Married and equally sharing cooking responsibilities!?! In those cases, check to see if what you are cooking is the problem. In most cases the problem is simply ignorance. Maybe making that lava cake with real lava wasn't such a good idea. If you are Hitler, though, I would recommend checking the oven because the Jews are getting a little crispy...
"Accident"[edit | edit source]
There comes a time in everyones life when we all want to dispose of something but can't act upon it because that would be outright crazy. Until now.
There are many reasons why you (or someone else) would intentionally "accidentally" burn your house down. The top three reasons include:
- Solving your little "problem"- Someone bugging you? Wife cheating on you? You cheating on your wife? Just end it all with some nice blocked escape routes and a gallon of gas. However, it should be noted that using gasoline for an "accident" will cost you more due to the high price of gas these days, so plan on committing the, *ahem*, you know, when gas is slightly cheaper. Another method is to make your fire a "hybrid", by starting the fire with electricity, and only using gas when accelerating. You will be amazed at the savings and the great HPG (Houses per Gallon) you will be getting.
- Quick Ca$h- Just remember, it isn't insurance fraud if they don't know you started it! Unable to sell your home, or just want to downsize, a house fire can be a blessing to many. Just be sure you have the papers before you burn the house down. You don't?! Well what are you waiting for, go get them! Oh and one more thing, does your home insurance policy cover fire damage? It better, or you're screwed.
- It's Fun!- Pyrotechnics, Psychopaths, Rejoice! What better way to express your love of fire than by burning your or a friend's house. Hippies, can't afford to go to Burning Man? Express yourself through the art of Burning the Man alive in his house. Just remember, you didn't hear it from me, m'kay?
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- If you're in a burning house, chances are good it's not a dream, or a creation of an autistic child's imagination.
- When your house is on fire, finish knitting that poncho, LATER.