Christopher Wray
Count Christopher Wray is a vampire succubus who works for the United States Emperors and governs the high house of Skull and Bones. Born in 1604, he spent most of his youth traveling around Romania and Italy. He studied the art of entrapping the souls of farmers and peasants to use them as bait for the hidden dungeon monsters that he kept in the catacombs of his opera house.
Most of his work had been very secluded and unknown to the public at large, that is until he began a conquest of capturing patriots in the known kingdom of the United Republic of America's Army and the multi-million layered population of pissed off slaves who were conned out of their human rights and sold to the very slimy tentacled beast that lived in the main swamp lands where he ruled as the right-hand henchman of a very powerful dumbass.
He engineered a coronation of a flippant clown on crack cocaine, whose son was a main supplier of the powder and as a bonus, kept Wray in plenty of Bloody Marys and Drained Debbies.
As history goes, the vampires had remained in power over the entire planet including one of the Worst 100 Locations of All Time, and kept their power by using blood money and blood sacrifices after they had eaten their fill of Soylent Green. But in the Year of the Four Emperors, a challenger came and knocked Barbara Walters off her high perch making a way to tell all the world that she was, in fact, a chupacabra. That was when the vampire cult and club of nasties got together and poisoned the slaves with crystal meth, and cheated to have their champion Mister Moron Supreme Hair Groper put into the high ranking seat of power in the known world, including all the worst locations. This is when Wray took over the big castle and prepared all the dungeons to accommodate millions of slaves and peasants who rejected everything about vampires, chupacabras, and every last succubus hiding in plain sight.
Wray was the element of surprise that was ushered in to bring an end to the illusion of freedom, the illusion of book smarts, and the illusion of optical illusions. He was relentless in obtaining all the humans into a single category by way of who had the best blood types and flavors of livers. When the general populace objected to being skewered and roasted on a stick, Wray had set a trap for them by using his ninja vampires to dress up as rednecks and drag queens to capture them and sell them on the black market. However, there were normal people in the protestor crowd who slipped in among the vampires and filmed them being vampires and fake killing people who ran into plexiglass walls and windows that Wray had set up earlier that morning. Once Wray discovered the sting operation, he turned his wrath onto the rest of the country and just for good measure, the world by summoning a Demon from the deepest deep. The dreaded Muccus Garlicland.
From Castle Wraith to Pentagon Wray[edit | edit source]
The success of Wray's unrelenting bloodthirsty obsession with capturing most of the peasants and unwilling victims for his boss, The Groper, he was to be awarded the highest intel clearance of the Pentagon. Although he was very much admired by the legions of Hell and Evil Clowns United he had to prove his loyalty to Darth Maul. Since everything was done in the dark in very secret hideaways, it wasn't easy to prove that he had previously served as a castle wraith in the tunnels below Castle Transylvania.
However thanks to modern science, and voodoo witch doctors, Wray found a thick book of the dead, inked in blood, and bound with human flesh. With that he began using it to conjure deadly outbreaks of plagues and acid rain. When the spells were chanted, stirred up, and ran their course, Wray was sure to capture it all on film for proof that he was a wraith who maintained a castle in said location of creepy things that would be sure to appeal to Darth Maul.
Naturally the Order of the Underworld praised Wray and awarded him many medals and trophies. Mister Maul and The Groper were satisfied with Wray's performance. Especially with his macabre vision of The Phantom of the Octopus which played two times a week to a dying audience, or rather an audience who would soon face death after they were hypnotized by the finale when Penn and Teller would sing to them about Jesus 2.0.
Wray was super, extraordinarily evil and cunning. It was so bad that even Darth Maul himself committed suicide. Wray's boss smiled and patted him on the back, and then proceeded to sniff his hair. Wray never flinched, and seemed to like his boss pawing at him. He made even further advances at Wray as time went on. Likewise Wray would get frisky and claw back at his boss. The usual staff whom the Groper had hired never paid any attention to it. It never phased them. Even when questioned by journalists at press briefings, members of his staff would circle around like vultures or point to their hair and say "My hair is a mop, your argument is invalid" and was the usual banter and antics of that staff.
An example of how the press was often gaslighted by the staff:
Random reporter: Why did Mister Groper rip off an Eastern European country and funnel the funds back to his son's interior decorator?
Staff member: Why would anyone want an interior decorator from Mexico?
Random reporter: But that doesn't answer my question, I wanna know why there's all this money laundering ...
Staff member: Excuse me, I have answered your question. This isn't about Eastern Europe, it's about Feng Shui and why Mexicans always get it wrong. That's why they're always seeking asylum into European countries and have a preference for places like Romania and other vampire tourist locations.
Random reporter: But that isn't true, Wray was from that castle where tourists would go missing and why would Mexicans use the U.S. border to escape to Europe? It doesn't make any sense.
Staff member: Yes, it does make sense. Haven't you been watching your own news?
Random reporter: No, because that shit is fake, which is why I'm here – to get answers!
Staff member: I will tell you then, Eastern Europe is where Mexicans want to go because they know they suck at interior design, so they come here to be flown to Martha's Vineyard and after completing a course in interior design, they can apply to work for the son of the boss. They deserve that chance.
Random reporter: Yeah but, every Mexican who applied for a job as interior decorator ended up hanging on the walls in the capitol as trophies.
Staff member: That is all the rage with interior design these days, don't you know?
Random reporter: But they are hanging. On the walls. In the capitol.
Staff member: Again, you will have to take that up with Count Wray. He's the one who would be in charge of that department.
Random reporter: Fuck that! I'm outta here!
Wray Hires Epps, the Notorious Impaler[edit | edit source]
Something that was planned by the evil order of all succubus creatures of the underworld would soon come to light. But oddly it would come to light for all the peasants who believed they had the right to protest evil orders of succubus creatures. As it turned out, they did not have the right to protest anything against the order of evil creatures who were each and every one, a succubus.
Wray was all-powerful with his badge, gun, dagger, and mace. He knew who to contact to place in his army of ninja vampires. None other than the Rare Steakhead Epps. Epps was an impaler who delighted in using long spears to make human kabobs and fling them into a bonfire. Epps was so ruthless against Mankind that he swore an oath to Satan to murder every last man, woman, and child who attempted to escape by way of boat, ship, train, and ark. Epps was an executioner in the Middle Ages and promoted to chief assassin by The Groper himself. Having no hair, he could not be sniffed. This was fine by everyone and he reminded them of the painting in Ghostbusters known as Vigo The Carpathian.
Epps impaled many protesting peasants onto scaffolding and iron gated fences although the regular barriers had been moved aside earlier to allow passage. It bothered Epps that anyone would walk casually where there was an open path. In his rage he would pick up a few random peasants and toss them onto the iron fences ten feet away, impaling them and allowing his fellow vampires to rush over and hold open flasks under the victims who were bleeding out.
One such witness to the atrocities was a friendly elf who wished to keep his identity secret, and used the alias of Mister Keebler. He was thrown into the dungeon by Wray, who told him he would never see the light of day henceforth. OMG News did get an interview with Keebler after multiple attempts at trying to break him out of his cell. Once granted an interview with him, OMG realized that Keebler had broken out of his cell three months prior. It was the maze of the dungeon that was tricky to escape. Keebler gave his story to OMG News and a partial map where all the fire exits were. Then the reporter left him there because he was waiting on the timer. He was baking cookies and couldn't leave them or they would have been burned.
The Conquering of the Capitol[edit | edit source]
Another witness to the carnage of the protesting peasants was none other than Van Helsing, a notorious vampire hunter. Wray knew of the brilliant work of his mortal enemy and knew he couldn't get close enough to him to make him have an unfortunate accident. Wray had thought of getting Hillary Clinton to do him a favor and squash Van Helsing, but since he didn't have dirt on her or her husband, Wray would have to deal with Helsing himself.
When Wray and Epps spotted Helsing at the gates of The State where the protesting was being conducted by an orchestra from the ninth circle of Hell, they tried going up to him, smiling they held out their arms to give Helsing a hug. Helsing ran for his life, tripped over a pile of bodies, and was quickly scooped up by a bulldozer.
Wray flapped on over to the location where the bulldozer had dumped the bodies, and from which Van Helsing had crawled from to reach a back alley where he could hide. When he saw that Wray had followed him, he was dismayed. But being Van Helsing he remembered that vampires are capable of turning into bats, so it wouldn't have been hard to follow the bulldozer. Wray approached Van Helsing hoping to give him a contagious disease. Wary's attempt failed, so he had Van Helsing arrested. He was given one phone call with his lawyer, who was already bribed to bring an end to Helsing one way or the other. The lawyer promised his client that he could testify in a grand jury against Wray as long as he were willing to die first. The method of death did not matter. Van Helsing thought it over and couldn't reach a decision. He was eventually interviewed. Telling the accounts of what he saw, the horror that unfolded at the hands of the chief assassin Epps and the army of vampire ninjas who were just slaughtering everyone else.
Long story short, Van Helsing gave many interviews to reporters who were then arrested as well if they aired any part of his story. With each interview, the rules began to change from one extreme to another. In the beginning reporters were asked to never bring up anything to do with vampires or they would be fired. But as time went on, if they took interviews from any prisoner which Wray had thrown in the dungeon, they themselves would have to complete a ritual where they were asked to feast on leftovers from Wray's cellar. It sounded easy until they realized that Wray's cellar was the entrance to Hell's Kitchen.
Witnesses Imprisoned[edit | edit source]
The next thing Wray would do after declaring a suitable blood sacrifice he made of the protesting peasants was to take them all as hostages. Those who survived the evil warlords who gathered to place The Groper into power and who had flown out from the altar inside the indoor colosseum. Those who didn't survive would have been the peasants who failed to bring shields, armor, silver bullets, and boom boxes blaring out the music of Slim Whitman. But one such poor soul did bring the tunes and avoided being killed by Wray and his back-up demonic army of reptilian orc vampire termites. Her name was Pipey Longstokin (sic) and she battled against such creatures prior to the peasant's protest. Defeating many orc lizards in the past, she had quite the reputation. Wray chained her up in the dungeon and interrogated her.
The vampires never got any information from Ms. Longstokin and she was left there to rot. Her fate is unknown as of this time, but it is believed that she is still alive. Empowered by the reckless tyranny of Wray's bloodlust, his minions began using the events of the protesting crowd of slaves and peasants as a way to conquer the entire realm of the entire country the Empire ruled over. Wray would seek to hunt down peasants and rebel slaves who weren't even there.
One such anonymous target who used the alias Narry Awerd, would write anonymous messages on social media using nothing but foreign letters in place of the usual alphabet and numbers where they resembled certain letters to bypass the glare of Wray's wrathful censorship that permeated tech giants such as Yahoo!, MySpace, and the Atari 2600 game forums.
But soon Wray would dox Ms. Awerd and staked out her location. She knew she was being stalked and kept a diary of events that she eventually sent to That Guy who promised to publish her memoirs should an unfortunate accident happen like disappearing, suicide, or accidentally disappearing in a suicide. Revealing the diary in his own publication, That Guy had to go undercover for a while. He changed his identity to This Guy. Nonetheless, Narry's diary was released when she never called back after she was apparently cloned and kidnapped. Giving Wray two of the same victim.
Here in its entirety, are the contents of the diary.
~Diary of a Victim of the FBI~
Day 1. Wray went and raided my president's home and safe. Then drooled all over some papers.
Day 2. Wray is coming after me next. I said he was ugly. He's trying to kill me.
Day3. Wray is smearing the FBI's drool on the paper, making it worse. It's all black and inky.
Day 4. Wray has buried land mines in front of my shanty, but I know my way around them.
Day5. Wray is still trying to kill me but I'm wearing a disguise.
Day 6. Wray had parked suspiciously a block away from me, and kept having the ice cream truck drive past me back and forth. He is trying to fatten me up so I can't run away, but I resisted the tasty treats.
Day 7. I stayed in bed, and waited till dark before venturing outside. Wray had set a booby trap for me to step in and get caught in a net. I took the rope and tied it to the neighbor's car.
Day 8. Wray tried to kill me again. I escaped that dungeon again.
Day 9. I tried to climb up through the roof with binoculars to see where Wray was hiding. He was behind a tree with a switchblade, waiting for me to pass by so he could jump me from behind and kill me quickly. He was unsuccessful.
Day 10. I had to find another vantage point because Wray threw grease on my roof so I would fall off if I went back on there to spy on him.
Day 11. Wray had the weather changed to an ice storm and cut the power to my house so I would freeze to death. I had a gas stove so I had to sleep in the kitchen.
Day 12. I was just minding my own business when Wray threw darts at me from 20 feet away. One of them hit me on the head. I could tell it was him. The darts were poisoned. So now I'm bedridden and have to stay in for a while to heal from the deadly poison.
Day 13. Still sick from the deadly poison that Wray had tried to kill me with.
Day 14. I am so miserable, and I can't really function very well.
Day 15. I drank a lot of water. So that should help.
Day 16. I drank a lot of water, smoothies, V-8, and milk so I'm doing okay after the poison dart. Now Wray is consulting with some dead clown to rile up his base of braindead zombies to burn crosses on my front yard.
Day 17. Everything seemed Matrixy and nominal. I went back to bed. Ugh.
Day 18. Wray tried to kill me with a hunting knife, but I was wearing my Viking armor from Valhalla. I got it wholesale. No, I am not dead.
Day 19. I was out of town when Wray thought I was home. I come back home to claw marks all over my door. Then I noticed some clumped up hair caught on the screen door. Oh great, Wray let the werewolf I was keeping in a jar outside, escape.
Day 20. Wray sent me a telegram saying I would be blamed for his disappearance since I was keeping a werewolf in a jar. Some reporters came up to me so I used the same spell and put them in a jar. They screamed. I laughed.
Day 21. Wray went and raided 100 different people just to try to scare me. He then tried to throw me out of an airplane with a faulty parachute made of fishnet stockings. That really fucking pissed me off!
Day 22. Back home after being thrown from 15,000 ft, I took a hot shower and then went out and stole some shit from Dollar General. Anything that wasn't nailed down. Just to spite Wray in his face!
Day 23. I hid in one of those ice machines. Wray was foiled.
Day 24. Wray was seen trying to bottleneck traffic into a course that would leave cars to drive into my front yard. So I put up signs a block away for a yard sale. It got all the cars to slow down. I had to put things I didn't want in the yard and let people just take off with stuff.
Day 25. Wray was spotted trying to place explosives in my mailbox. But I didn't open the mailbox. I left that bit for the mailman.
Day 26. Wray put bugs on my porch but I had RAID!
Day 27. Wray sent me a leaky package of Gorilla Glue so I would get stuck to the mailbox and die of exposure outside. But it didn't work. The mailman had to be rushed to the hospital to have my mailbox removed from his hands.
Day 28. Wray was seen by neighbor trying to pour quick drying cement on my steps, then rang the doorbell and ran. Neighbor had to pull me out of the cement before it completely dried. Much vexed! Had to be hosed off. Neighbor laughed.
Day 29. I was minding my own business when Wray came running at me from down the block, wielding an ax. Thinking quickly I used the fire extinguisher at him. When the fire department arrived I told them that he chopped firewood for burning and that's why I put it out. Wray then tried to set me on fire.
Day 30. The current mailman has decided to throw my mail at my door like a newspaper. Great. Now I have to reset the boobytrap.
Day 31. Wray hired a band to play under my window during the night to drive me to go outside and confront them. So he could have a clean shot at me. But Wray didn't know I was listening to my headphones and could ignore them.
Day 32. I found out that Wray was camping in a tent nearby. So I ordered a Steinway piano to be delivered and set inside of it. I felt accomplishment when he couldn't sleep in there and it began to rain on top of that.
Day 33. The neighbors have noticed that someone is trying to kill me. They asked me if I knew. I told them I did – that it was Wray. And they feared for their lives too as they are not vampire fans. Except for one neighbor who is part dwarf, part snake, and part eggplant.
Day 34. The dwarf snake eggplant was sitting outside hoping to see me get killed. I told him to mind his own business or I'd flood his prize lawn until it looked like a giant fish tank.
Day 35. Went outside before sunset. Didn't see Wray anywhere. Thought he had forgotten all about trying to kill me. Went toward the car and noticed trip wire. So I carefully removed it and had the car towed to the FBI building. Nothing happened. Wray is incompetent af.
Day 36. There's a car outside. Not mine. Not falling for this trick.
Day 37. Went to many Dollar Generals. Got a bunch of things to make voodoo dolls with. Pins too, Wray. Ya dumbass.
Day 38. I looked around. Yep. Wray is still trying to kill me. I went back to sleep. Sooner or later he'll have to go to Walmart too. This ought to be good. Especially around these parts. So many purple-haired weirdos.
Day 39. Apparently Wray was packing heat when he killed some maga wearing hats at Walmart. But the drama is focused on that instead of me. I get my own register. It's like being able to roller skate in a drained cement-lined pond, no one bothers me.
Day 40. Wray has kidnapped me, please send ĦĕēėëĽÞ¡
Witnesses Interviewed (100 Years Later)[edit | edit source]
The legend of the Wrath of Wray would become so mainstream that even the Wrath of Khan would pale in comparison. The lonely soul Smegollum was formerly known as just Gollum, until he was adopted by Proud Footed Boys of West Berlin. They gave him his new name on account of referring to himself as Sméagol when he was happy and Gollum when he was annoyed. Usually slurring his "s" into a long hissing sound that normally followed the word precious.
But Wray noticed Smegollum when his adoptive family took him with them to protest the evil of Wray and all vampire succubus creatures. Wray was sure that Smegollum had the One Thing that would give him ultimate power. The golden mace made of human tailbones. Wray lured Smegollum with some ring he got from a bubblegum machine and captured the poor thing, throwing him into the swamp lands surrounding the creepy castle where Wray lived. The moat was filled with vampire crocodiles and man-eating algae. It was hopeless to try and escape. Wray also imprisoned his brothers of the Proud Foot Boys. Their story was one of the main examples of how far Wray was willing to go to prove a point. And that point was, that vampires are people too and should be able to freely kill people who are not vampires. His reasoning was because it's wrong to resist vampire people when people just don't understand vampires. Die or die, that's how Wray would rule all the lands.
But after one hundred years of imprisonment, a population of prisoners had stacked up and their numbers grew in size. They had planned to escape once they could certify themselves as a small country. It's believed that the anonymous entity known as Narry Awerd had somehow ended up in the swampy prison ground of Wray's castle. Since so much time had passed, reporters were finally able to get many interviews with the prisoners who escaped death that fateful day, along with prisoners who were brought in for dubious reasons. The rumor that Awerd was still alive spread like a small little backyard fire, since nobody really knew anything about her. Only that she gave Wray a run for his money. Another reporter had been given a diary that was allegedly written by Narry Awerd before she disappeared. This diary was penned for only ten days before it ended up published by someone else. Here are the contents of that diary's publication featuring one of Wray's minions, Tim Ryan.
~Diary of a Victim of Tim Ryan~
Day 1. Tim Ryan is trying to kill me. He said everyone should kill and confront a movement that I happen to like. Which means, he wants to kill me specifically. And then confront me? Wait, what?
Day 2. Tim Ryan tried to have one of my friends Mike Lindell killed by trying to suffocate him with a pillow. A shitty pillow from Tim Ryan's house of horrors. Not the nice Lindell pillows.
Day 3. Tim Ryan & Chris Wray stole Lindell's phone. Then took pics of Medusa.
Day 4. Tim Ryan went and gathered everyone's phones and tablets, and then his thugs demanded that I hand over my phone and tablet. So with a heavy heart I handed over my prize rotary phone and my Hallmark tablet I was using for shopping lists. I really liked that tablet, it was 100 sheets of really pretty printed paper and a nice ring binding. I also miss my rotary phone. So now I can't even get dial-up. So depressed!
Day 5. Tim Ryan still trying to kill me.
Day 6. Tim Ryan came onto my back porch to set a trap for me to step in, and then waited in the bushes with a gun. But what he didn't know is that my back porch is a series of traps as it has holes in it. So the trap fell through and snapped in on itself.
Day 7. Tim Ryan waited in a parked car across the street with another trap and left his gun in the bushes. This is just too much. I am being haunted by a dumbass. And Wray is trying to kill me, too!
Day 8. There was a new tree outside today. It's on the side of the house. Seemed like a fallen branch. It was. It fell due to Tim Ryan's weight who tried to use it to stake out my house from above. I left it there.
Day 9. I keep sensing a weird kind of odor. Hm. Probably nothing.
Day 10. I'll put this as the last day entry of Tim Ryan trying to kill me. I will resume writing this diary if he shows back up with more lame threats. The main reason being that crows and vultures have been circling the fallen tree branch. Nature is always so blunt with signs of things. It never hides the truth although the fallen tree branch may be hiding a corpse. And I ain't looking. Fuck it.
These accounts are a peek into the dark world of everything about The Hill, and its dominance worldwide, and the darkest specter that even the Underworld feared the most, the merciless, murderous, and mundane Wray.
Being Fired, or Fried by the Sun Face[edit | edit source]
On the night of a double Martian eclipse, Wray's coffin was taken from his castle to another castle. When we rose, he noticed the decor had changed. Gone were his lovely ceiling bars where he loved to hang out. The stretcher and iron maiden were replaced with IKEA furniture. And his glorious Whirlpool refrigerator containing packets of fresh blood was replaced by a mini bar with healthy snacks and chicken wings that looked suspiciously like bat wings. He knew that Kash Patel would soon show up with silver bullets, silver sunglasses, and wearing the regalia of a golden haired warrior. And thus ends the reign of terror of a bat who went to the hounds of Hell. Narry Awerd jotted one last thing in her diary. It read: I sure hope nobody else is trying to kill me!
