Dark Souls

Atypical A typical dark soul

Dark Souls is a Psychological Torture™ experiment video game created by FromSoftware and published by Bandai Namco. The PC version was released on September 22, 2011, and remastered for gaming consoles by Halloween. The game is known for being a really really hard action RPG for some people to the point people scream like they game owes them money after dying to that one enemy in the same spot and throwing their controller/keyboard onto the floor. The game epitomized the genre of unnecessarily hard ones – with a sequel in 2014 and again in 2016 – featuring lots of dogs, swords and bigger swords.

Gameplay

Character creation

The game starts with you having to create a character with lots of customization options but most people focus on making their character as ugly as possible. Characters have a few stat options they can invest levels into which will help them in their journey:

• Vitality, which increases the character's max HP (Hideous Pizza), increases the max health of the character, and decreases the chances of rage quitting. It also allows the main character to survive attacks that would otherwise completely destroy a normal person realistically.
• Endurance, which allows you to run into walls at a faster speed, duck and hit more enemies for longer periods, and run from enemies who won't stop hitting you. Also lets you carry heavier weapons like the

• Strength (one of the most useless stats) allows you to wield heavier weapons such as a mace.
• Dexterity, which is basically strength but for people who like getting salty over people using strength weapons. This allows the person to wield "advanced" weapons such as deadly knives, rapiers, and cheese. Mostly cheese.
• Resistance, which is basically useless, aside from the multiple one-poison swamp. Experienced players don't recommend leveling it up unless you want to look like an absolute idiot to everyone else.
• Intelligence, which allows you to use better spells and makes magic attacks more fun to use on defenseless people.
• Attunement, which is another thing related to magic that allows you to carry more lethal glowing stuff.

Classes

In addition to creating a wonderful and amazing character, the player also has the option to give them a starting class. The options for character classes are:

• Knight This class has a lot of HP and has good and reasonable weapons; on the downside, it's also extremely overweight and slow like your mom.
• Sorcerer This class has not that much hp to start with; on the upside, it shoots out funny blue lights that are stupidly useful for making salty eight-year-olds cry when playing PvP combat.
• Homelessness They have no armor/clothes and are armed with a stick they found on the floor and a shield constructed out of plywood from Home Depot. They also have 10 in every stat, which means they can become anything from a powerful magic build to a Lowes employee.
• Pyromancer They have the ability to commit arson and make people cry and are armed with a axe and a pyromancy glove.
• Cleric They simply run around and bonk people with a metal rod and occasionally use magic abilities similar to the sorcerers and pyromancers but the devs insist they're all different.
• Hunter In the unlucky instance a player were to choose this class, they would instantly lose if and, on top of that, their console explodes.

Combat

In the game the player can use a variety of weapons and magic that can do both light and FAT attacks to deal emotional and mental damage to both enemies and players alike. For a majority of the weapons you need a stupid amount of levels and time to get and use and it's easy to lose all of the souls you collect due to how friendly and nice the enemies are, but even then they become useless because you found out the starting weapon you maxed out is somehow better than all of them. The enemies you fight range from useless pink men, dogs that take away half your health in two bites to Dr. Phil and some can cause painful status effects like poison, venom and having to pee. If you happen to die you will die and the game will display the most famous message of all time:

"Wuh oh looks like YOU DIED"

DLC

A DLC for the game was released two years later which is when everyone stopped caring about the game and it features five total new spells, more stupid dogs and a rigged as hell boss(es). The way into the DLC was not discovered for many years until into the far future someone on Gamefuqs found out that it was needed to beat up a yellow crystal, rub toothpaste on one's body and then eat an entire stockpile of socks.

Lore

A screenshot of Gwyn before the fire consumed him

The player starts in a prison cell in the Dark World of Ohio for the heinous and blasphemous crime of existing. Some idiot who resembles the knights seen in the box art drops into the cell and shoves a key up the player's ass. They then escape prison and must now overthrow the ruler of the glorious kingdom of Ohio and either light yourself on fire or leave and go take a piss.

A few years ago some guy named Gwyn and his friends hated dragons so they killed them all for no reason and then Fortnite danced on their bodies and then he lit himself on fire so everyone else could also be lit on fire. But then the fire started to fade because someone took a wee on it and so you now must make the aforementioned decision after the final boss.

Characters

Knight Solaire

A homeless man. His knight armor is made out of cardboard he looted from a random undead. After realizing he is homeless he looks for a solution which he calls the Sun (i.e. some kind of luxury mansion where his father the Lord Gwyn parties everyday).

Solaire is attracted to the Chosen Undead and falls in love with him. According to a recent Miyazaki interview from 2030, the Sun was the Chosen Undead we made along the way (this makes sense knowing that the Furtive Pigmy speaks both Chinese and Hebrew fluently)

Solaire's helm releases pheromones of all the different types in high intensity and feeds on sunlight.

Chosen Undead's saliva removes this effect from the helm.

Great Wolf Sif

In Lordran, petshops sell dogs and call them wolves. This was such a case. Knowing he was not a real wolf, Knight Artorias left him quite hungry after buying him from Sekiro in the Sengoku period. So the dog kept eating until it became as big as my patience with this game.

Online multiplayer

Online multiplayer exists for those stupid and wealthy enough to have Internet. People or you can call others for help if you're too weak to fight that one enemy that dies in three hits but your weapon sucks or they can raid your game (and your house if they get your ip address) though this way and fuck up your game in these ways:

• They stick a huge sword up your ass.
• The person in question calls yo mama a noob.
• They attempt to corrupt your save file and all of your neopets stuff.
• They have a weird mask and sword, call themselves "Large Father" (the worst of the raiders) and won't stop trying to kill you until they give you a sword colonoscopy.
• They give you a bunch of useful items instead of brutally ending your character.
• They perform the strongest attack in the game, A DDOS attack which not kills not only your character but your router as well.

A typical dark souls PvP enthusiast

Many people have criticized the matchmaking system because of how fair it made the fights and people wanted to beat up the noobs for existing. The one dude with a dragon piss greatswordaxe +69 would cry like he just snorted onions because he invaded the world of an equally high level (and more mature) player with the very seriously named gamertag poopsnorter383 because he wanted to kill the noob who has no idea what he's doing.

How to git gud

• Use the most broken weapons and then cry when no one wants to play online with you.
• Spam magic projectiles until the person on the receiving end rage quits or you run out of spell charges.
• Call them a noob.
• Cry when the other player can finally hit you.
• Use hacks/mods to win. (You'll end up getting the ban though.)
• Find a better hobby instead of wasting your time.

In conclusion

Don't buy it unless you're autistic or enjoy bleeding out your ass]].