Bite the N00b

“If at first you don't succeed, watch someone else fail. You won't feel as bad.”

~ Mark Twain on N00b Biting

Hover-baby is standing in for the n00b in this instance. Pretend he's somehow threatened by that dead thing. For God's sake, use your imagination for once!

This article is about Bite the N00b, the beloved Children's game. It should not be confused with Bite the Nub, the adult game that is absolutely not for kids.

Bite the N00b is an exciting an fun game the whole family can play! It is a time-honored tradition of welcoming newcomers to a fraternity, online encyclopedia, or other highly respectable group. It involves welcoming, initiating, and utterly humiliating the ill-fated newbie until such time as the n00b mistakenly feels welcome, accepted, and loved. That's the theory, anyway.

Setting the stage

Before one can play, you must first have a group (or clique, if you prefer) that, for one reason or another, many people will desire to become a part of. If at all possible, there should be more people wanting to join the group than the group leaders feel is possible to handle at any given time. This will lead to a need to "weed out" or otherwise control the intake of newbies.

Next, the n00b arrives, all lathered in the excitement that one can only get from the novelty of a new experience, such as joining an elite, respectable group, for instance. The group members can smell this excitement, which gives them the desire to counter-balance it somehow. How, you ask? Through the Bite the N00b ceremony, of course.

How to play

This game's popularity seems to be based on its complexity. As such, strategy plays a major part in the game. While this often leaves n00bs in the dust, that is more or less the idea. Below are a list of some commonly accepted rules at Uncyclopedia's version of the game.

• Understand that while newcomers are both needed by and are of value to the community, they're also stupid. By ridiculing newcomers, we self-aggrandize, which makes us feel better. And, let's be honest, what's more important: Improving the diversity of knowledge, opinions and ideals on Uncyclopedia, and in the process enhancing its value and preserving its neutrality and integrity as a joke resource, or getting a few shots in on a n00b? The answer is so obvious, even you should be able to figure it out.

• Remember, we have a set of rules and standards and traditions, and they must be applied in such a way as to thwart newcomers. It is entirely possible for a newcomer to this site to bring a wealth of experience from other venues, together with ideas and creative energy which, despite our rules and standards, they will feel can further improve our community and end product. It doesn't change the fact that every n00b is a freaking idiot. No matter what any n00b tells you, rules and standards do not need revising or expanding; none of what the newcomer is doing wrong will in the slightest way improve Uncyclopedia. Observe for a while, then ask what the newcomer is on, before finally defining what he/she is doing as wrong/substandard, and, if they haven't left yet, banning the Hell out of them.

• If you do determine, or sincerely believe, a newcomer has made a mistake, such as forgetting to put a picture in the article, or failing to make useful links, lay into them. Don't try to correct the mistake yourself, they're the idiot that made the mistake, make them fix it. If at all possible, slam the newcomer into the ground; remember, while this is a place where anyone can edit and, in a very real sense, you yourself could fix the mistake, it's a lot more fun to criticize/supervise others.

• If you find the opportunity to slam a newcomer about a mistake, avoid doing it in a spirit of being helpful. Introducing yourself on their talk page to let them know that they are welcome here, and presenting your corrections calmly and as the contributor's peer, especially tactics like pointing out things they've done that you *like*, is a recipe for disaster. Showing weakness in this way is unacceptable, and frankly, if you're going to do that, it is better to say nothing.

• Other newcomers may excitedly make changes, especially major ones, such as NRV-ing and moving, due to a desire to be "quick opp-ed," something they expect due to a viral email sent out by the adminatti. This is, of course, a joke, and you must not ruin it by telling them the awful truth (that an admin must die before another is "promoted," as it were). This doesn't mean you can't get offended and flame them. By all means, make them feel unwelcome by any means necessary. Uncyclopedia is counting on you!

• Whilst it is fine to point a new user, who has made a mistake, towards relevant guidance it is certainly not out of order to suggest that they stop taking part in votes, VFD discussions etc until they 'gain more experience'. This discourages the new editor and may, God-willing, deprive Uncyclopedia of completely worthless "outsider insights."

• When giving advice to newcomers, crank up the rhetoric even a few notches above the usual sarcastic and biting discourse that dominates Uncyclopedia. Make the newcomer feel genuinely unwelcome, as though they must win your approval in order to be granted membership into our exclusive club. Any new domain of concentrated, special-purpose human activity has its own specialized strictures and structures, which while it take time to learn, the best contributors will pick it up immediately through instinct. Waiting for "lesser n00bs" to get acclimated through periodic re-examination and revision will take effort from all parties involved, and really, who has time for that?

• Call newcomers disparaging names, such as meatpuppet. If a lot of newcomers show up on one side of a vote, you should make them feel unwelcome by explaining that their votes will be completely disregarded, and why. While no name-calling is necessary, it sure is a lot of fun.

• Sometimes users don't understand basic rules that we can easily explain to them. You can make the reminder process annoying by vaguely referring to policy or otherwise important pages using only acronyms like HTBFANJS, NRV, CVP, ICU, and VFD. Another effective strategy is swearing like a sailor.

• Assume bad faith on the part of the newcomer. They most likely don't want to help out. They're a troll! KILL THEM QUICK, BEFORE THEY GET YOU!

• Remember User:Benson. Behavior that appears malicious to experienced Uncyclopedians is more likely due to ignorance in general. Even if you're 100% sure that someone is not a worthless, no-good, Internet troll, a vandal, or worse, conduct yourself as if they are. By being irate, apathetic, or disrespectful, your self-confidence is uplifted, and you might just turn away a worthless loser from our project. I mean, the chances are pretty good that person was worthless. Probably.

• While you were once a newcomer also, you were treated like shit too, right? Treat others as bad as (or if possible, even worse than) you were treated when you had just arrived at Uncyclopedia.

Tips for successful biting

In more general terms, one can be a "biter" by:

1. Adding intensifiers in commentary (such words as terrible, dumb, stupid, bad, good, and so forth. Oh, and don't forget exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!!!1!)
2. Modulating one's approach and wording to keep them off balance.
3. Striving to respond in an "over-the-top" manner.
4. Responding bitterly to another person's actions or inactions regardless of situation or context.
5. Refusing to acknowledge differing principles or a willingness to reach consensus.
6. Passing responsibility for resolution of conflicts to the nearest admin, or better yet, to someone who actually has no real power.
7. Escalating the situation when possible.
8. Listening passively, or, better yet, not at all.

Always insist you have the high ground, that always annoys them. Pretend to be a responsible Uncyclopedian, then slam them when they least expect it. With festering illwill, one will provoke and be provoked easily, and will not allow new Uncyclopedians to devote their time and resources towards building a humor encyclopedia — while that's part of what Uncyclopedia and this whole online project and community are all about, who cares? Being an ass is so much FUN!

What to do if you feel you have been 'bitten'

If you have somehow managed to find your way to this page, and feel that you have been "bitten", there are a number of things to keep in mind, and alternatives to choose from to survive the entire "biting" process:

1. Take it like a man.

   If you are not a man, consider alternative meanings for this term than the literal one. Maybe women can take it like a man, too, did you consider that? I'll be... you didn't, did you?

2. Pretend that one is encouraged that someone took the time to acknowledge your actions, or make up some other similar bald-faced lie that robs the biter of the joy of biting.
3. Remember that one can't be a n00b forever, and eventually the established individuals may get bored and lay off.
4. Fantasize about a time in the distant future when one will be the "biter" and not the "bitee."

In conclusion

While this game is fun, there have been the drawbacks of playing, such as dwindling numbers, popularity, and overall reputation of a group. That being said, people continue to play it, and will probably play until the end of life on Earth as we know it.

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