A Note from your Killer

This, is a door, which could be interpreted as a visual metaphor for an exit, which is funny, because you won't be finding either in this article (Nope, this image doesn't count, smartass!)

Dearest <insert name here>,

Greetings, my love! You may be wondering what is going on around here. If the latter is so, take a look around! (Might as well take a look around, because this place is the last place you'll EVER see, Bwahahahaha!) If the latter is not so, consider counseling (Oh, wait, you can't, because you're trapped! *laughs*) If you haven't already noticed, I have placed a small, but powerful bomb inside this very article! It is set to go off in exactly 10 minutes! Trying to escape is useless, as I have closed off every possible escape route. Trust me, I have planned this for months, so don't think I would leave one loophole here. Cherish these last remaining moments of your life, before everything goes boom and your life fades into the deepest depths of oblivion for all eternity! This shall be your fate, which, I should mention, can not be changed. Think of it like an old Windows 95 computer. It functions for a while, and then dies a horrible death when you try to run Crysis, or some other piece of fancy-schmancy software that pleases the eye. If you thought that metaphor was bad, then you should have seen the shit my school teachers used to pull out of their asses, too bad you can't though, because I'll have to pull you out of this situation and delay your death, which will be happening shortly! (In about 9 minutes to be exact.) We wouldn't want that to happen, would we now? *chuckles*

Why have I decided to kill you?

Hmmm... interesting question, <insert name here>, interesting, indeed. Why would I decide to mercilessly end your life all of a sudden? Surely I wouldn't murder you without reason. It just doesn't work that way, does it? (Or does it?) Anyhow, the reason I have decided to commit homicide... is not important. I do what I want, I pick my goals and stick to them. *laughs* I am my own man. I know this totally contradicts what I just said, but I have to have something to do, Fucking Asshole Bitch Cunt Dick Motherfucker Cocksucker Sex Ass Son of a bitch Shit Piss Horseshit Semen Penis Big Ball Fucking Newspaper with a motherfucking large fucking amount of recycled paper which was made of semen which CCP's leaders always eat them like they eat their semen and penises. 18+ XXX Fuck your mother, and I hope your whole family die if you are watching this 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Breaking News : Your mother dies 1 minute before because of sucking semen and having sex with her penis and scrotum...... or I would surely die of boredom. (I'm surprised you haven't done so yet from reading this corny letter of all corny letters.) Now that that's out of the way, I would like to tell you something more, to help you feel better... (By the way, you currently have about 7 and a half minutes left, Ha Ha Ha!.)

I would try not to think about it

Right now, you're probably huddled up in the corner, hopelessly watching the time. That's right, stay there. Panicking won't help nothing, so don't shit yourself just yet, you probably still have about 7 minutes of your lifetime left, anyways. This will be less scary for you if you just try not to worry. I know what you're going through, I have been through quite a few hopeless situations like the one you're in right now. Just try not to think about it. Imagine, you're on the beach, with hot nude chicks (or dudes) surrounding you. Hentai Addict? Make those sexy Anime Catgirls... That's a pleasant thought, isn't it. (Oh yeah... it sure is for me!) Surely, if you keep thinking nice, positive thoughts, you might forget about your sudden death until... it happens. If you choose to do so, I'd recommend you stop reading this depressing note now. Don't worry, you still have 6 minutes left. No worries, less than half of your final moments have passed. Hey wait, why am I trying to help You? I'm your killer, so I'm supposed to be against you. Bwahahahaha!

Still there, Eh?

I am true to my word. Here is said knife, <insert name here>. It's a metaphorical knife. (From now on, "Metaphorical" will be my excuse for everything.)

If you're still reading this because you're so emo that there's nothing good to think about, think of it this way, you're getting what you've always wanted during your misery, death. That's... sort of a pleasing thought, is it not? If not, then nevermind, I guess nothing can cheer you up in your last 5 minutes of life, emo boy. Look forward to nothing but despair and gloom, Mr. Negativity! I guess nothing but woes, doom, and gloom can pass the most inner barriers of your Mind and Spirit! Don't worry, I have enclosed a knife so you can live your favorite pastime, slitting your wrist, once more before your ultimate demise. You can also choose to end your life and knife yourself if you want, But hurry, as only 4 minutes remain of your precious (Or, in your case, not so precious) lifetime! You and I both know that there is absolutely no chance to survive, so make your time, before the bomb I set up you explodes.

3 Minutes Left

If you have read this far without committing suicide, about now would be the time to stop reading and say your final prayers to your God or whatever, and repent all bad deeds before it's too late. The time is ticking, only 2 minutes and 45 seconds are left. If you're a confident atheist, feel free to stay here and await your unpleasant death without hope or regret. Just don't blame me if you find yourself in a pit of fiery tortures, being gang-raped by demonic figures with huge spiked dicks resembling Micheal Jackson! I am not 100% sure that will happen, but as I, myself, am a Christian, that's what I can assume. But hey, if God exists, maybe he isn't so strict, and will let you into his happy realm, if you're really lucky. Or, maybe you'll be reincarnated into a flower or something. For all we know, the Flying Spaghetti Monster could be watching our every moves.

2 Minutes Left

The Metaphorical fuse on this metaphorical bomb has almost reached the explosives, so make this metaphorically brief moment last.

Well, it's definitely too late to repent, <insert name here>, so abandon all hope right now. There is absolutely no way I will free you from this nightmarish situation, so enjoy these last 2 minutes while you can. If you want, you can think positively as I had suggested earlier, maybe this is all a bizarre dream. Yes, a dream. You can try pinching yourself, although that will do nothing but leave a painful mark, because this is all real. Of course, that mark will not be nearly as painful as what will be happening in a mere 1 and a half minutes. Look on the bright side, you will never have to worry about any wars or whatnot anymore, because you'll be too preoccupied with rotting away in your grave. If you want nothing but despair, I would very strongly advise you not to read the section below. If you do, your soul will likely be so frightened that it will jump out of your body. Fucking Asshole Bitch Cunt Dick Motherfucker Cocksucker Sex Ass Son of a bitch Shit Piss Horseshit Semen Penis Big Ball Fucking Newspaper with a motherfucking large fucking amount of recycled paper which was made of semen which CCP's leaders always eat them like they eat their semen and penises. 18+ XXX Fuck your mother, and I hope your whole family die if you are watching this 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Breaking News : Your mother dies 1 minute before because of sucking semen and having sex with her penis and scrotum. Then again, when the bomb goes off, your soul will probably do so anyways, so go ahead, read onto the last passage before your final journey begins!

1 Minute Left

You know what, I am actually starting to feel very, very sorry for you. *sheds tear* I just can't think of anything that will make you calm anymore. It seems nothing can, as you are still reading this dreadful note of mine. I feel sympathy for you, unlike I did when I started writing this note. You sure have a lot of balls to read this far without going insane and committing suicide. I appreciate your patience, I consider it a virtue. I really do, in fact, I will be there to mourn your grave when you die, maybe I'll even... turn myself into the police...

Bye fool, Your Killer, whose name Shall Not Be Disclosed

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TO BE CONTINUED!!! Will <insert name here> survive, or does <insert name here> bite the dust? Find out on the next exciting episode of Dragonball Z!™ Why does it always take us 10 episodes to get anything done? Find out on the next episode!