Columbine High School massacre
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“He's popular, he has sex with a lot of beautiful women because he's handsome, he's a winner, he's rich and he's smart. I love him!”
“He loves minorities, homosexuals, Indigenous Americans, the physically/mentally disabled, Italian midgets, Chinese single women, and--because of his compassion for them--would defend them with his life if necessary.”
“When I saw Eric, I shat myself… so now, I’m Charlie Shit Brown.”
“I will be starring in Columbine High School Musical 3: Senior Year next year.”
“Don't look at me. I didn't do it.”
The Columbine High School massacre, famous for being featured in When Cafeteria Food Fights Go Wrong, is considered one of the deadliest school shootings in American history. The shooting has inspired an award winning sitcom on NBC called "The Shooting". While school shootings are extremely common and an accepted part of Colonial American culture, certain elements of the Columbine shooting were extremely disturbing to the general public and those with hearts and minds. The whole thing took place in Littleton Colorado, a small town outside of Denver formerly known for it's Wendy's, Taco Bell, fried lard bread, Ute land theft, and extensive Lockheed ICBM manufacturing complex.
Background[edit | edit source]
Earwax Hairyass and Dyan Kebod were two star athletes with a history of passiveness and conformity. They were also fans of popular music, and especially rap music. Their love for 50 Cent was matched by no man. They often dressed in expensive white Uyghur-made Nike basketball shoes, white oversized t-shirts adorned with sports logos, backwards white baseball caps, and baggy boxers. Eric was fluent in Indian and often spoke with a fake accent, and loved Hindu rap above all other types. It was not uncommon for him to bring his boom-box and play it in the kitchens of the pizza place called Jack Black's Pizza at which him and Dylan worked. They also worked at Blackdeck’s Burgers. Eric would translate it for all the people there while Dylan would set off pipe bombs to the loud applauding owner of Jack Black's Pizza. One time when Eric was in a mall with his friend Dylan, he lied about his age to a woman 73 years older than him, who was allegedly one of the 34 people that gave birth to notorious singer/songwriter Marilyn Manson.
Eric was reportedly obsessed with playing the family-friendly video game, Doom, and when he wasn't listening to Vanilla Ice he spent all day creating maps and virtual sex dungeons. A friend of his claimed when he was over at his house once, he walked in to find Eric jacking off to his own uber map making skills. One could imagine the shock that registered on both their faces, however, because Eric was such a badass liar, he cleverly told him that he was just "rubbing Chinese lead-tainted gun powder on his itty bitty woodpecker manhood because he was just that fuckin' cool". Dylan's life was quite different; and he devoted his alone time hours to writing depressing journal entries and obsessing over anime girls that didn't exist. He was also a much bigger fan of country music than his buddy. So much so that he even started his own band called Vodka and The Cow-Tippers. Unfortunately, the Banjo player, Buckeye, had his anus overly penetrated by a horse a night before their first band tour. Dylan, rather than playing the Banjo himself, told his manager to "kiss his country ass" and left due to "extreme stress". This probably led to his downfall. Another incident happened where Books Bown, an elderly friend of Dylan’s, played footsie with Eric Harris and they became best friends.
Because of their love of sports, choice of music, and religious beliefs they were constantly harassed at school. The two were mainly harassed by the Marilyn Manson fans, who wore long black trench-coats and backwards brightly colored cowboy hats as part of their "I don't give a shit about the rules" uniforms. This popular clique of goths often teased them for their lack of black clothing and because they did NOT listen to industrial music. The only friends Eric and Dylan had were a small group of social outcasts who enjoyed rap, country music and water polo. Because of their love of white sports jerseys, they called themselves the "White Shirt Friendship Pack Alliance." Eric was known for spending massive amounts of time in the library researching on how to drink from a stranger's cup without getting West Nile bug. His experiments were regarded as violent and he often kidnapped fellow students and lectured them about the dangers of promiscuous sex for hours. On the day of the attack Eric indeed drank from a cup of a stranger and did indeed get West Nile bug. When asked about this in an interview months later, Eric noted that "he really didn't give a shit; and that he enjoyed the taste of the purple drank while it lasted". Dylan however was spending all of his time making pipe bombs and virgin Molotov Cocktails , however it should be noted that he ran out of pipes before he could finish the thousand bombs he hoped to make in a day. So instead just used condoms in place of actual pipes. It is unknown if he used Trojans or the Durex kind. Some students reported seeing some of those "fire and ice" Trojan ones, whilst others claimed they saw the "ribbed" Durex brand. Nevertheless, there were enough condoms for almost everyone.
The Shooting[edit | edit source]
While April 20 is traditionally a joyous day of pot smoking (as well as Hitler's birthday, which explains why there are so many stoned evil Nazis out there), in 1999 it was marred by a senseless tragedy. At 11:14 a.m. Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold began shooting at their fellow classmates with illegally obtained firearms, or hijacking airliners and flying them into towers, or some such thing. (We presume the former occurred, as very tall skyscrapers are not so easy to find in Littleton, Colorado, although there are a number of sizable mountains nearby). Despite the strong American gun laws, Harris and Klebold were armed to the teeth. Their arsenal included high-powered potato guns, a Sawn-off Red Ryder BB gun, which IS scientifically tested by the T-1000 to actually shoot your eye out, a spud cannon, mutilated tomatoes, (primarily to anger people and optionally give them Lou Gehrig's disease) multiple Justin Bieber CD's, the Terminator, water bottles (to throw at the aforementioned jackass), slingshots, several hundred pipe and condom bombs, doggy bags, fire crackers, semi-automatic pellet rifles (legally modified to hold 10 pellets), Nerf semi-automatic launchers, a Buzzbee Tommy 20, can openers, Crystal Meth (as a nice snack, cronch cronch), Tear gas, (The same as Meth) Butter Knives, and even Akimbo guns with their bullets and pellets modified to explode on impact, but sometimes don't and destroy the internal organs of the bullet occupant.
Searching for their priority targets, King Saints Row 1, 2 and the third, they attacked and mutilated anyone with a John Marston costume and Kabana clothing, although Dylan threw mutilated tomatoes into the face of a cleaning lady who was accused of stealing everything from his locker in 1997 (she was sentenced to life imprisonment in 2000, but died in 2004 of Lou Gehrig's disease.). In the end, Dylan and Harris had caused critical injuries to nearly 4,000 people, 1,000 of who had to receive A LOT of stitches. Fortunately, [[King Saints Row 2 and the third, but unfortunately not the first, dying because of a rotten mutilated tomato overfilled with Carbon Monoxide actually managed to penetrate his body and go deep enough to kill him in 2 seconds. (Remember kids, Carbon Monoxide kills! In TWO SECONDS!) ]] escaped, along with his son, Prince Saints row 4, who was a double agent, and the real Prince died about a CENTURY AGO. (CAN YOU BELEIVE IT? 1899!
When the shooting was over, Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris turned the guns on themselves, causing a time paradox, causing all the people in a 10-foot radius (and there were a lot of people in that 10-foot radius,) to go to the time and place where Prince Saints Row 4 died, actually rescuing him and living the rest of their lives inside a toilet where Elvis died. But wait a minute. Elvis died on that toilet. So Harris and Klebold died of suffocation from vomit because toilets are dirty, and they caught Lou Gehrig's disease.
The Aftermath[edit | edit source]
The rapper Nelly posted on his website that he was horrified by what happened and claims his music had nothing to do with it. Everyone knew that was total bullshit, and Marilyn Manson even spoke out about this in an interview for Disney.
After the happening Littleton's new town motto became : "Keep staring and get in a crash that kills everyone in town, folks, lots to see here!"
Columbine High School Musical[edit | edit source]
A 13 minute movie created by Walt Disney based on the Columbine shootings, only a little more musical and a little less tone deaf. Walt Disney claims this will be released in 2026, though sources indicate that he was indeed high off crack when he said this. Plans to include Eric and Dylan in the next iteration of the Marvel Cinematic Universe's The Avengers line-up have been discussed.
The Boardgame[edit | edit source]
A special version of yahzee was made in tribute to this incident, but it was called nazi for some reason, because apparently people think the shooters were nazis. The game sucks. It has nothing to do with anything. As a matter of fact, its just a blank piece of cardboard.
This game was made in memory of the victims that were shot and later suffered severe brain damage. It takes no knowledge whatsoever, and in fact is hard to find (just because the only ones who look for it have brain damage, and can't really do much).
The Movie[edit | edit source]
Columbine: The Movie was a movie that came out in 2003 after 9/11 so nobody gave a shit anymore. Staring Jon Lovitz as Eric Harris and Andy Dick as Dylan Klebold. It was a buddy film of much satirical hilarity. The film received minor acclaim however by none other than an Asian man who was instantly inspired. The film was improvised and during the film the two actors became gay and did indeed shoot themselves with guns to avoid further harassment from their director. Critics especially enjoyed it when Andy Dick flashed his penis and groped young girls as he ran down the school hallways "Phil Hartman cursing" everyone with his gun. Many Bothans were killed in the making of this movie.
The Game[edit | edit source]
The game "Super Columbine Massacre" was set to be released a century before the incident, in April of 1899 By Master of the universe Derek Smart. The release date was pushed back 100 years and it was so awesome that it actually became reality. The working title was actually "Super Coke Machine Destroyer 3D" but a glitch after release had the characters attack fellow students instead of the machines in the cafeteria.
Remake[edit | edit source]
A remake was made early in 2007, entitled "Columbine: Virginia Tech." The remake decided to take it to the next level, though not using any explosives or high powered weapons, instead he used the next best thing: Nerf Guns. It DID come with more deaths, half the assaliants, double the asian heritage, and also occurred at a college instead of a high school. The remake has had mixed success. Too soon? in other words. It was a very silly incident and proves once again that jesus saves.
Sitcom[edit | edit source]
In 2008, NBC aired an award winning sitcom inspired by the shooting, called "The Shooting". Staring Steve Carrell as the principal, and Fred Savage as Eric and Tracy Morgan as Dylan. It has aired for 12 episodes, and it took on a style like the Office. The show was cancelled after two episodes due to protest. So the creators said fuck them and released a DVD containing the 12 episodes, Bob Sagat approves.
The Album[edit | edit source]
The song "Pumped-Up Kicks" was created as a tribute to the lovers, Harris and Kleboid.
See Also[edit | edit source]
- Samuel L. Jackson
- Chuck Norris
- Pedophilia
- Quake III: The Hardcore FPS With Instant Messaging
- Brian Draper and Torey Adamcik
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