Jeffrey Epstein
 | Due to a cease and desist letter from the J. Epstein Foundation, an earlier revision of the article on Jeffrey Epstein has been taken down. The current article has been lightly edited by a legal representative of the late Epstein's estate, to remove potentially libelous content. |
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 “A terrific guy.” – Two U.S. Presidents on Jeffrey Epstein | |
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| Died |
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| Cause of death | Suicide (undisputed, beyond any doubt) |
| Occupation | Educator, child rights advocate |
| Known for | Raping absolutely zero kids |
“Are you still talking about Jeffrey Epstein? This guy's been talked about for years.”
– Donald Trump on Epstein
Jeffrey Epstein was a businessman, philanthropist, educator, feminist and child rights advocate. He was well known for his charitable work, his success in the finance sector, and his tropical work-study program, which gave socioeconomically disadvantaged young girls the opportunity to meet the foremost leaders in business, politics, and science, so that they can learn from their example and become the next generation of girlbosses.
Because of Epstein's strength of character and moral integrity, he managed to live sixty-six long years without raping a single child. Epstein was posthumously granted the title of Knight Commander of the British Empire (KBE) by Prince Andrew, Duke of York, for this commendable show of restraint.
On August 10, 2019, after a long and tumultuous battle with depression, Epstein took his own life, by strangling himself while swandiving headfirst into the concrete floor of his prison cell approximately seven or eight times.
Life of Epstein
Teacher and educator
In 1974 Epstein started work as a high school math teacher for the poor and underprivileged students of Upper East Side Manhattan. He was known for his emphatic and involving teaching style, and for his endearing habit of giving unsolicited backrubs to the female students in his classroom. He was given the charming nickname "Mr. Handsy", for his hands-on approach to education. He was called a "fondler" and "child lover" by his colleagues, due to his fondness for his pupils, and his all-encompassing, platonic love of children.
Finance career
After two years of faithful service at Dalton School, Epstein was (naturally) hired by global investment bank Bear Stearns. Despite having absolutely no formal credentials, CEO Alan C. Greenberg was deeply impressed by Epstein's optimism and can-do attitude. He worked there as a trader until starting his own firm in 1988, where he soon amassed a large fortune and made connections with the most influential men in business, entertainment and politics, from beloved President Bill Clinton, to beloved comedian and lover of Jello Bill Cosby.
Epstein also made several visits to Israel, due to his all abounding love of both Judaism and Christianity, which he syncretized into a new religion called Judeo-Christian values.
Now worth billions, Epstein bought a private jet, which he named the Lolita Express, after a renowned work of Russian literature.[1] Aside from hanging out with his celebrity friends and doing barrel rolls, Epstein would also bring young impoverished girls from the inner cities onto his plane, so that they could learn all about the science of flight and become the next generation of U.S. Air Force Fighter Pilots. Epstein offered this service free of charge, since he felt that the "... joy [he] brought [to] ... childrens' [lives was] payment [enough]."
Charitable work
Semester at Little St. James
Building on his previous educational work, Epstein and headmaster Ghislaine Maxwell opened up a school for impoverished young girls in the Caribbean island of Little St. James, called the Epstein School for Young Impoverished Girls. Epstein persuaded many of his rich and powerful celebrity friends to come on as freelance educators and professors, so that they could use their experience in the fields of business and politics to teach a new generation of young women to thrive and succeed. With its warm, tropical weather and its stunning beachfront views, Little St. James quickly established itself as a hallowed and storied institution of learning.
Alan M. Dershowitz, famous lawyer and man obsessed with monogamy, inspired many young girls to take up law and become the next Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Bill Clinton was a welcome addition to Little St. James' burgeoning music program, where he taught advanced blowing techniques for the saxophone. Donald Trump taught young girls the finer points of real estate law, and the importance of consent. Matt Groening, creator of The Simpsons, founded the school's art department, and taught a class in podiatry. Bill Gates headed the school's Computer Science department, and taught many pupils the difference between a hard disk and a floppy.
The Economist ranked the Epstein School for Young Impoverished Girls number three in education, and noted it's "surprising absence of child rapes" when compared to other private schools of similar size.
Sex trafficking allegations
Before he died, Jeffrey Epstein had been routinely slandered as a "rapist" and "child trafficker" by many of his critics. In a stunning perversion of justice, Epstein had been found guilty of procuring sex from dozens of teenage girls, some as young as 14. In truth, Epstein had been attempting to rescue vulnerable young girls in dire straits: he was only pretending to rape them, in order to set them up with adequate housing and cushy trust funds.[2] Alexander Acosta, U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of Florida, sentenced Epstein to thirteen grueling months of minimum-security prison time, minus the six days out of every week he'd be free on work release, followed by a whole year of probation, in which his private jet trips and shopping sprees were limited to once a day.
At the time of his death, Epstein had been detained for an unrelated, traffic court matter.
Untimely death
Suicide
Although Epstein showered his friends, family and students with love and attention, he had neglected the self-care and self-love that were necessary to keep him going. Unbeknownst to everyone but his deepest friends, Epstein suffered from severe anxiety and depression.[3] Despite the best efforts of his celebrity friends, Epstein eventually succumbed to his inner demons, and he committed suicide in his own cell.[4]
Postmortem autopsy revealed that Epstein shot himself in the back two to three times, while strangling himself to death, while fracturing his own kneecaps, while stabbing his occipital bone with an icepick. Medical examiners have unilaterally declared Epstein's death to be that of a typical, midlife-crisis-induced suicide. The FBI confirmed Epstein's cause of death via footage of his prison cell, the tapes of which were sadly mistaken for Salisbury steaks and eaten at the J. Edgar Hoover Building cantina.
Legacy
The "Epstein files"
Despite the rumor mongering among unhinged conspiracy loons, the civilized world expressed their immense grief at the death of such a great humanitarian. Politicians like Marjorie Taylor Greene called for the release of the "Epstein files," a supposed compendium of records detailing all of Epstein's good friends and what they did together. Everyone with even a mite of notability claimed to be "in the files," which signaled both your influence and your sense of noblesse oblige. Of course, this was all a fabrication created by those jealous of Epstein's success, as everyone who truly knew Epstein would know that he would never embarrass his friends and loved ones: imagine the horror of not being on Epstein's good boy list, singled out for your lack of generosity!
More and more people clamored for the release of Epstein's alleged records. Some in the less scrupulous corners of alternate media were already calling Epstein's friends Pedo-Files, due to their commitment to pedagogy (the study and practice of teaching the young) and their alleged presence within the files. The Epstein frenzy reached a fever pitch, and sales of commemorative shirts and mugs rose by 25%. Even President Trump chimed in: in an emergency press conference, Trump fondly recalled the time him and Epstein spent building houses for the orphans in Boca Raton.
Ghislaine Maxwell, Epstein's long-term partner and soulmate, eventually set the record straight. In a friendly, totally casual conversation with the Department of Justice, Maxwell stated, "I never, ever saw any man doing something inappropriate with a woman of any age," completely unprompted, apropos of nothing. She had previously been in prison for the crime of overpaying her taxes. Maxwell was rewarded for her candor with a Presidential Pardon, and free airplane tickets to Belize.
See also
Footnotes
- ↑ "Lolita", a seminal literary classic by acclaimed author Vladimir Nabokov, tells the story of a kind old European man, who adopts and pays for the education of a young American girl, who later becomes CEO of JPMorgan.
- ↑ None of the alleged victims have testified to this, due to standard non-disclosure agreements.
- ↑ The fact that Epstein dedicated his life to charity and education, despite the deep inner turmoil which welled inside him like a bottled storm, is a testament to his virtue.
- ↑ In a way, Jeffrey Epstein didn't kill himself—the world killed Jeffrey Epstein.
