Republican Party
The Republican Party, also known affectionately as the God/Guns & Oil Party (GOP) is a division of Halliburton and a subsidiary of the Federalist Society, formerly known as the Federal Government of the United States. Its main function is to boost the sales of Israeli flag lapel pins and magnets. As of 2007, despite receiving a good ol' Texas 'thumpin' it is one of the largest misanthropic organizations in the world.
Well known for its Ultra-Orthodox Jewish-Leninist practice of democratic centrism, in which no party member is allowed to disagree with the central organization. In fact I knew a guy who tried to disagree once. They later found his dead body floating in the Potomac River. His corpse displayed signs of torture and wild violation. This causes Republicans great stress and results in bi-weekly mass Republican orgies in the Democrat-controlled Washington, D.C.
Rockefeller Republicans
These guys are the ones that are slowly being killed off by the sectarian death squads. They are mostly well-educated and wealthy suburbanites and are quite moderate, a lot of them are even pro-choice and pro-gay. Some of them are very, very pro-gay. These guys were in power before Pat Robertson started to making bizarre clicks and grunts that awoke his hordes of zombies. Currently, they are listed as an "Endangered Species" by the Endangered Species Act due to hunting by the radical cleric Jerry Falwell and population reduction due to loss of habitat that is made faster every year by expansion of democrat communities into the Rockefellers' natural range. Many of members of this sub-species live in Log Cabins.
Republican Republicans
This sub-species dominates the modern republican party. Their natural range is the Bible Belt and the Jello Belt. They are sometimes confused with zombies on election day as any resident of a town of less than 100,000 people and that is more than 300 miles inland would say. However, this strain of zombieism is different than any others as its members/hosts are still metabolically active and reproduce. In fact, they fuck like rabbits. Because of the emerging overpopulation of zombies attributed to this, a new, compassionate campaign of "spay and neuter your fundy" has begun. Also, the common mink has been introduced to act as predators in areas just outside of these creatures' home range, such as Colorado and Ohio. This strategy of zombie management has sustained some success in the last year or so. In fact, wildlife experts are becoming cautiously optimistic that this vermin species can be contained.
Log Cabin Republicans
The section of the Republican party who are openly gay. Most Republicans are gay but not all are openly gay. The reason that they are called "log cabin" republicans is because they like to engage in sodomy within the secure and silent confines of a wilderness locale (a log cabin). Lesbians are excluded from being Log Cabin Republicans because "they like pussy too much" (O'Reilly 122). Note that heterosexual women often have a great deal in common with gay Republican men. One theory is that they both take it up the butt. Thus the one defining aspect of being a Republican is engaging in anal sex. Often noted as the original founding members of the party.
However, they are often accepted by the regular Republicans, due to the fact that they didn't choose to be gay, but they chose to be Republicans. They can unite their hate against the Democrats, who in their words are 'Assholes.'
Others
- Women Republicans: Chicks down with beating fellow sisters in abortion rallies, and be like Sarah Palin who loves her children, doesn't eat them or turn their stem cells for medicinal purposes like child-killer pro-choice Democrats. Most of them don't realize that their men want them to keep quiet and just get them a beer already!
- Black Republicans: A rare breed of Republicans are American Africans, who dislike affirmative action, doing away with racial segregation and political correctness to fight the false claims of racism.
- "Real American" Republicans: The dirty, ugly, fat and inbred white trash. Predominantly NRA members who drink in excess. Usually live in old trailer parks or run down shacks. Favorite foods include "Turducken" and "Chicken Fried Bacon". All suffer from obesity and love to chug gravy. Hobbies also include: banjo playing, watching NASCAR, and incest.
History
Origins
The Republican Party was founded by Your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, well-known for His free-market(my favorite market is one where London Broil still sells for $2/lb...or 30p/100g for you communist homosexuals), pro-gun, anti-abortion (so you can shoot the sheriff when he comes and arrests you for abortion), anti-tax, anti-poor, anti-whore, anti-Liberal stance. The poor are fat and lazy that just live because Democrats steal Republicans money to "give" to the lazy poor.
Glory Days
The Republicans later took over control of the Roman Empire, which led to a thousand years of unprecedented peace and prosperity. The sun never set on the Roman Empire, from their Australian Koala mines, to their Asian chicks farms in exotic Taiwan.
Decline
However, faggots with plump, tempting asses took over control of the Roman Empire, leading to the decline of the Republic Party and the Roman Empire for many centuries. The Roman Empire was eventually destroyed, whereas while the Republican tree was destroyed, it had a bunch of seeds somewhere. These were emptied out of a bird in America, where the new Republican tree was planted. Needless to say, there was much rejoicing.
Being Born Again
In the early 1900s, George Washington re-established Republican values by drive-by killing Queen Victoria and her queer son, Jack the Ripper, single handedly causing the death of millions of Native Americans from sheer fright. Thus was America founded, under the unfailing leadership of Republican might, except for eight years, when women were required by law to sexually satisfy the deviant pleasures of their corrupt leader, Bill Clinton.
Today
Republicans are the most loyal to their own of any political party out there. Even if you raped over 9000 boys, you would still be applauded by the National Committee for your bravery in showing those 14 year-olds the hazards of being so goddamned sexy.
Another notable tenet of most Republicans is their sheer opposition to basically anything that they don't believe is correct, accordingly to their own Republican Bible. This includes science, truth, LGBTQ+ rights, abortion, and free will.
The Struggle
Faced with the wrath of the more radicals of the LGBQUERTY+, they are outnumbered one to two. Effectively, for those who use the 'THEY' pronoun, the vote count double! It is unclear if in the foreseeable futur other pronouns will rise such as 'IT' and so the radical left is actively identifying all items that could one day be given the right to vote in the country. They have high hope that these items might one day get the right to choose the 'THEY' pronoun. It is of course one of the greatest injustice that those using the they/them pronouns get to receive only one paycheck instead of two. The same can be said about them receiving the same number of ration tickets as normal people or having to share their desk, computer, monitors and chairs with themselves. It is a fact that the republican party is notorious for not seeing the immense advantage of filling the army with such diverse talents who would instantly double the number of available soldiers thanks to their pronouns.
A Portrait of the Republican Party
Unlike other politicians, Republicans require the money of the poor to survive. They get their money through illegal drug sales, prostitution, human trafficking, and baking cookies. The Republican party is also known as the party of tax cuts and the ownership society.
This group is know for their utter disgust and contempt for any country other than the United States ("United States" meaning "Oklahoma, Texas, Idaho, Utah, Indiana, Kansas, Tennessee, Kentuckistan, Arkansas, Alabama, and other Southern states") doing something for its own benefit by cleansing the world of homosexuals, liberals, abortionists, Catholics, agnostics, atheists, blacks, natives, emos, grues, Arabs, union workers, feminists, metrosexuals, sloths, cat, Mexicans, Hispanics and anyone who doesn't like chicken fried chicken. Republicans generally spend their time saving random countries from people they don't like.
Additionally, Republicans are known for a psychotic addiction to war and are the only party to support a president who thinks that Africa is a country, not a continent. Republicans often virulently vilify Senator Robert Byrd as a racist, but in another hand they have advocated the conservation and utilization of Robert Birds as an "all-American species".
Social Habits
A ton of them live in Montana, mainly were former residents of Orange County. However, the locals refer them as a bunch of Californian liberal posers. Time for a lynch mob gathering.
Home Life
Typically, Republicans organize in units called "families", and attend each others "churches", which consist of women chatting over Peach Schnapps and snorting coke while slaving over ordering the servants (minorities) around, and the men getting tweaked on meth and watching Sodomy Street. It is not uncommon for Republican Children to read fictitious tales such as Sesame Street - Color Me Mine, Barney's Weather Book, and the Holy Bible: Revised Neocon Edition What we do not learn is that more than 75% of all Republicans are homosexuals, who did homosexual things. Like the US's current and former President Abraham Lincoln and George W. Bush. These two have been having an affair since early 2004. When shown picture evidence President Bush denies it, while President Lincoln admits it. This is not a shocker for all the priests and pastors of the party who are now open pedophiles.
A Day In The Life Of A Republican
Republican daily life revolves around the office and church (a sort of heaven for them). The average Republican will usually wake up at six in the morning and report to work by five in the morning, even if work is only a 5 minute walk from home. Many believe it has something to do with their internal sonar, called "gaydar", but experiments to confirm this have been mixed, with a correlation rate between 47.736% and 50.432%. Anyway, after 9 hours of saving the world if they have not been constantly abusing Mexicans, teenagers and losers, the Republican becomes tired. Unless of course, the said Republican is a loser, then it is coming home from being abused for 10 hours. At any rate, the Republican was stuffing its face all day. After a hard day of yelling and eating, the republican packs up the children and goes to church. At church, the Republican speaks in tongues, shaves its pubes and handles snakes while the children are taught to forget everything they learned in science class, unless that knowledge is important in weapons making. At church they also take part in occultist rituals and human sacrifice. They often repeat this for 6 days a week, except for Saturday after church, when the "coon-hunting" occurs.
Source: Der Stürmer
Agenda
Hypocrisy
- The Republican Party exists, in part, to show how hypocritical people can be. For example, the GOP opposes gay marriage, but its leaders are some of the most flaming homosexuals on the planet, including Rick Santorum, Jeff Gannon, Rudy Giuliani, Tom DeLay, Sam Brownback, and Karl Rove. However, it should be noted there is no evidence that Karl Rove is actually a gay person. He might just be very unappealing to women, and it is fair to say that even the most tasteless butch queer in the world would probably want no part of Karl Rove, either. He could just be asexual or not even human.
- The Republicans also enjoy lighting themselves on fire for the country "Amerika". Much to their disappointment, nationalism is a form of pride and pride is a deadly sin and all Republicans are religious so they're all going to hell (see Christian logic).
- They accuse the liberal Democrats for creating the "race politics industry" for the horrible thing affirmative action has done to white people and males, banned the freedom of religion by activity for Wal-marts to stop any banners saying "Merry Christmas" during the holiday sales, and finally the public educational/pop cultural/ mass media promotion of philias such as homosexuality by "the Gays", inter-racial marriage and premarital sexual relations.
"Freedom"
- The GOP claims to support freedom but gleefully fucks with brain-dead people who just want to become properly dead people.
-Note if the brain-dead were allowed to become actually dead, people may suggest that Dumbya be euthanized.
- In fairness, the GOP works to defend the interest of all brain-dead people as well as giving large and regressive tax rebates to those who make more than $300,000 a year (sweaty fat fucks and whores).
- Everybody deserves a tax cut except the poor, those bastards need to pay.
- To preserve the freedom of speech like the right for any white guy to shout "nigger", "faggot" and "retard" in public without getting sued, being punched, or even arrested for a hate crime. But they got the FCC to ban any uttering of "Hell", "god damn" and "Jesus Christ", as well the immoral nature of a woman breast feeding in the public is a lot worse than a male disciplining his wife.
Their Fears
- Arguing with Mutes
- Logic
- World Peace
- Gay people [1]
- Democrats
- Socialism, unless it is for themselves
- Having someone intelligent for president
- Anything not white
- SpongeBob SquarePants [2]
- Minorities
- Black People [3]
- Freedom
- Cute things
- Everything that isn't America
- Canada, Europe or New Zealand
- 95% of Americans [4]
- Love [5]
- Hippies
- Displays of affection
- Kindness
- Enough voters to stop the selling and buying that constitutes a working day in Washington
- A brain. ex: Dolly Parton and Thomas the Tank Engine
- Every superhero from Marvel Comics (because they are all in New York, and New York is a Democrat commune)
- Women [6]
- Sex [7]
- Liberal media
- Poor people
- Elephant hunters
- SpongeBob and Patrick enslaving the world and forcing us to make cameras that make everything into gay minorities
- The Wrath of Rush Limbaugh
- Change
- Tyler Perry
- Rednecks (they're poor)
- Choo-choos
Wealth Exploration
The Republican Party reserves the right to invade other countries, using the resources of the US Government, and the United Nations (see pussy). Countries identified for invasion will be subject to an initial survey to identify oil, natural gas, precious metals, and any other known threats to the USA's security, such as more gay hookers to be hired.
Main Objective
Their intention is to sell the world to the Devil and then the Rich and Republican politicians will be relaxing in paradise. Everyone else will live in the miserable world including the fools who fell for the Republicans.
The Glorious Republican Platform
Traditional Values
- Protect public school teachers' rights to use supermarket-grade meat grinders on disruptive sheeple and to lead the class in prayer five times a day while facing East, towards Iraq... the glorious Republican Jihad must live on!
- Pretend we care about abortion.
- Protecting Republican like values in debate through pedophilia, mass extermination of homosexuals, and torture reform.
- Enshrine a "Anti-Sodomy" amendment in the Constitution.
- Cut taxes for the rich.
- Raise taxes for the poor. They need to get off their ass and work.
- Hate foreigners.
- Pretend we care about abortion.
- Hate the liberals.
- Support Israel. We must help them bomb the piss out of the Palestinian.
- Oops, that is the Democratic Platform as well!
- Defend Freedom & Liberty from the threats of due process and trial by jury
- Pretend we care about abortion
- Hate women. Only like hot country girls. (except for Sarah Palin and Ann Coulter).
- Hate gays. (Larry Craig would dispute this, but it's not polite to talk with your mouth full).
- FOR GOD'S SAKE, Pretend we care about abortion (So we can get more than two votes), and care about babies.
- Hate all members of the LGBT community (But not the Log Cabin Republican, their campaign contribution checks clear, and there will be plenty of room in the concentration camps for them too when the time comes).
- Call anyone who doesn't agree with you a terrorist (Politicians who selectively disagree with themselves are exempt, this is called campaigning, unless they're a Democrat, then they flip-flopped).
- Hate black people (Yes, Kanye West Bush doesn't care about them either.)
- Pretend we care about abortion.
- Lower education standards. School sucks.
- Preach about God.
- Fund more money into Fox News and that dumbass Bill O'Reilly.
- Pretend we care about abortion.
- Erect a monument to that dumbass Bill O'Reilly.
- And hate gays. Hate bisexuals too.
- Pretend we care about abortion.
- Protecting the oppressed white population from the evils of reverse discrimination.
- Build more huge cars with tailfins that guzzle gasoline
Promoting Economic Expansion and Growth
- Lower taxes AND raise deficit spending. No foreseeable problem.
- Tax decreases so that they can kick gramma out of Social Security and make her homeless,and then to beat her to death as a form of entertainment. A truly compassionate, entertaining, and conservative approach to fiscal matters.
- Dump the American greenback currency in favor of condor gonads and manatee hides.
- Destroying public works or selling them for their new Maybach so that their manservant can drive them around.
- destroy all nonwhites and everyone who has an income of less than $1 million through "tax cuts" (their actually 100% raises in taxes)
- Increasing government spending to fund a wasteful military-industrial complex and give welfare to needy corporations.
- Send in more illegal aliens to work in our factories, rather than shipping the factories to Mexico. "Free trade" is so much fun!
Protecting Our Communities
- Eliminate the $60,000,000,000 a month trade deficit by making blacks the nation's #1 product export through government subsidy and controlled lynching.
- Build the El Paso Wall to keep out brown people while still expecting to win Southwestern Purple states by siphoning the Hispanic vote with magical panties.
- Repeal the Civil Rights Act of 1964, as it violates States' Rights, undermines Freedom of Association, and destroys our cultural heritage.
- Believe that blondes are the only women that are god looking.
Strong Leadership
- Invading countries around the world for weekend camping trips.
- Pick a country, doesn't matter which one, after the war, no one will care. And the Democrats will keep fighting said wars, but feel bad about it.
- Always pick a scapegoat at the last minute.
- Talk about Jesus Christ chose America as "God's chosen people", that also worked in Nazi Germany to get rid of "Christ killers" in the 1930's.
- Maybe that CIA-hired Chilean dictator Pinochet had a good point in getting rid of "liberals", hippies, socialists and Anarchists.
Modern Usage
Res, Rei, Latin n. Thing.
- Publican \Pub"li*can\, n. [L. publicanus: cf. F. publicain. See Public.]. (Rom. Antiq.) A farmer of the taxes and public revenues; hence, a collector of toll or tribute. Other etymology is a combination of Pube/Licking.
- Republican \Re-pub"li*can\, n. 1. A collector of toll or tribute (taxes) that keeps coming back again, and again, and again, ... ; 2. A remover of the taxes and public revenues (mainly into their or their friends' pockets) ... ; 3. A political party that continuously puts pubes on soda cans, a practice started by Clarence Thomas from the latter, shunned etymology of Pube Licking as "Pube Licking Things", Res Publica.
The term "Republican" refers to a form of psychosis brought on by excessive bed wetting and sex with livestock and very hot bikini clad men who drive Chrysler 300s. The first known Republican was King Frou-frou the Impotent of Belgium (AD 1443-1465), best remembered for coining the phrase "Finger lickin' good". He was lynched by his subjects for failure to pay excessive library fines.
The term "Republics" is used to refer to the culture of the Republican Party. This typically consists of middle-aged white males, who are known to thump Rush Limbaugh, and tune into the Bible on the local Clear Channel radio station at 12:00 Noon EST.
In recent times there has been a falling out of the term "Republican" to mean the Republican Party in the vernacular. It is more oft used in the form "That party was Republican." Used in the nominative adjectival... adjectivivial... to describe things, it is a party where B.Y.O.P. is included in the invitation. B.Y.O.W. is commonly understood to mean "Bring Your Own Whore", although it has been more common for there to be an exchange of prostitutes at a Republican Party. It has become fashionable to trade prostitutes for favors at Republican Parties. A vibrant culture of women exchange has evolved in recent years. Of particular interest is the "Hooker Exchange," wherein a hooker is left in the coat of the Republican, checked at the coat check, and exchanged by an exchange of the coats.
Conspiracy?
Republicans tend to drink more pomegranate than orange juice.
There's no Jewish conspiracy, it's all a BIGGER conspiracy of the filthy RICH, which courageous White Knight Rand Paul has infiltrated by posing as a scumbag.
The Fucking Expensive Fruit Party of America.
The LICAN
There are various conspiracy theories about the Republican Party's connection with an international oil cartel, the Illuminati, and the church of Beavis Christ. However, there is a much darker goal of the Republican Party that has been hidden in the name of the party itself: Re-pub-lican.
The name reveals a program of establishing a federally implemented, funded (although I don't know where the party of tax cuts is going to come up with the money) and administrated Liquor Control Administration Network, known as the LICAN. The Republicans are modeling this network after Canada's Liquor Control Board of Ontario. The sale of liquor would be nationalized under this program, and only government run pubs would be able to sell alcohol. The first phase of the program is a temporary prohibition during which bars, pubs, and liquor stores would be shut down. The second phase, known as the re-pub phase will be the establishment of government run pubs and bars.
How it fits into a plan for a permanent Republican majority
Similar to the movie Strange Brew, the Republicans are secretly planning a mind control program through the sale of really cheap beer (only $1.79 for a can, $3 for a forty and $3.99 for a 6-pack!). Yes, this is part of Karl Rove's and Tom Delay's plan for a permanent republican majority. The LICAN, after courting several cheap beer companies such as Coors and Budweiser, has chosen Pabst Smears Blue Ribbon to be the national beer.
Criticism
Many Democrats, who have been privy to the secret funding or the LICAN, have expressed outrage. The most outspoken of these has been Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy, who has said: "No one with any taste whatsoever, would drink that garbage. Real men drink Guinness and Stolichnaya."
"Freedom"
"Freedom" is the word that Republicans use when they run out of ideas. For example, the war to liberate Iraqistan is now a clusterfuck. So, instead of talking about WMDs the GOP talks about freedom. Also, "Freedom" is a battle cry for republicans everywhere, even if they believe that women should wear burkas.
This is odd, since freedom contradicts all the things the GOP supports. For example, freedom means gay people can marry. It also means women want to "choose" while pregnant out of wedlock. It means that black people shouldn't have to pick cotton. It means that Mexicans should be free to cross a river and get a job. It also kind of assumes that Arabs want freedom, which is a bit like saying that dogs love piano recitals. Everyone knows that Arabs only want "freedom". So I guess Republicans are half-right.
However, the GOP objects for the freedom for gays to be "out of the closet" like that gay German guy Bruno, women to use the pill before they "do it", black people to drink from the same public water fountain (AIDS in the pool!), Mexicans for speaking Spanish in a land where foreigners should say it in English and even A-rabs for practicing a pagan devil-worship occult known as Islam.
Official Propaganda Spewer
Fox News serves as the official Republican propaganda spewer.
Fox News criticizes the big 3 TV networks for obscenity, profanity and vulgarity on their prime time schedules. But what about FOX network?
And most of all, Fox News is owned by an Australian, fair dinkum mate.
Mascots
Darth Vader is the current mascot for the Republican party and has been since he was discovered by a conservative talent agency in 1977. His work has been considered a cornerstone to the GOP victories in 1978, 1980, 1982, 1984, 1988, 1994, 1998, 2000, 2002, 2004, and 2010. (that's like a 2:1 Win-loss record!!) However, after the formally mentioned "thumping" last fall, Karl Rove became depressed and angry. After a binge on vanilla ice cream, Karl Rove blamed Darth Vader's emerging "girly man" image on the GOP's losses and has been debating having him replaced. The current front-runner to replace him, Sephiroth, has been criticized by party activists for where he has spirit, he looks too much like a homosexual. During the next election, they officially chose the mascot to be, in fact, your mom. Sucks for you. However, Karl Rove has stated that there has been physically effeminate manly-men before. Some examples include Jeff Gannon, Ted Haggard and Kuja (sorta).
Tea Bagging
After losing the presidential election Republicans found a new way to get their way. Tea bagging. This includes watching Glenn Beck, gathering in central area and tea bagging each other, or burning Qurans.
Footnotes
- ↑ Unless they're Republicans
- ↑ Sheldon J. Plankton however, is a Republican
- ↑ Specifically Ving Rhames
- ↑ Including illegal aliens from the planet Zorgon
- ↑ Unless it's "Christian"
- ↑ Except if they are barefoot and pregnant
- ↑ They feel a bit short in this area
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