UnNews:China outlaws reincarnation, Tibetan monks just found out.
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
19 December 2007
TIBot, Asia -- China outlaws reincarnation, Tibetan monks just found out!
Two months ago, in a shocking move to show their bias against the monks in Tibet, China's government placed restrictions on the religious practice of reincarnation. The government now requires you to have a license to reincarnate, and it is threatening to throw any violators, no matter what form they are in, into a slave camp. This happened only a year after reincarnation was forbidden from being taught in schools.
The Tibetan monks, the most famous followers of reincarnation, did not hear about this law until just recently. The Tibetan monks, who take vows of poverty, do not own any electronic communication devices, and must get their news from travelling oxen herders. The head monk of external communications is expected to give a response, but since it has to come via oxen herder, it probably will not arrive for at least two months. By that time, no one will care.
The Chinese people have many flaming opinions on the subject, but so far the government has managed to censor every one of them through use of the infamous "black highlighter". One Chinese man was quoted as saying: "I think this ban on reincarnation is ridiculous. Reincarnation is not hurting any of the citizens." After speaking to the media, the above man was immediately thrown into a slave camp for treason.
The new restrictions on reincarnation is just a stop gap until slightly more lenient restrictions can be put in place. In the future the government plans to place prohibitions on reincarnation by specifying which animal you are allowed to come back as. The current plans are as follows -
- Honorable Chinese Chairmen: Dragon Gods, Dolphins, Tigers, and Butterflies
- Tibetan Monks: Leeches
- American Tourists: Pigs
- International Mass Media Reporters: Dung Beetles
- Factory Workers: Bugs
An Honorable Chinese Chairman had this to say on this policy, "We believe that you should be punished for your evils in this life, and that punishment should not stop because you've died."
The Chairman also nervously commented that "The problem is, that we know full well that some are defying Chinese laws and reincarnating without proper licenses. We are surrounded with birds, cats, dogs, insects and all sorts of apparently natural life that are in reality illegally reincarnated humans. We are not stupid!" he said.
Charlie Chan, a low-level government official charged with implementing the new law, is warden of a government detention camp. Surrounded with herds of cattle and pigs, along with televisions, radios, computers and great varieties of food. Charlie said "It's my job to take into custody anyone or anything that looks suspicious." When asked, Chan emphatically denied that accusations of corruption had any substance, explaining that: "Most are just jealous." For example, some men will see what appears to be a very young pretty women and wants them around for whatever purposes a guy wants pretty girls around!" He continued seriously, "But don't be fooled. While they may look like young pretty women, in reality, they are reincarnated Sumo Wrestlers from Japan and are indeed quite unattractive and probably male." Taking a hard line, Chan proclaimed that "They came here to break our laws and I will personally hold them until they obtain licenses to reincarnate -- or become unattractive Sumo wrestlers again!"
Sources[edit | edit source]
- An Honorable Chinese Chairman "Monks: Innocent or Terrorists" People's Republic of China, 11 14, 2007