Europan hookmouth
 | This page is or discusses a loony and/or nutty conspiracy theory Uncyclopedia vehemently denies all knowledge and existence of this page, although that doesn't change the fact that the black helicopters are on their way. |
They tell you Mother Earth is special. They tell you she's the only planet known to support life, that we're alone, in the vast, indifferent oblivion that they dare call the cosmos, that all those expensive probes and rovers they keep thrusting towards Jupiter's moons are "just for research", that there's nothing lurking beneath the icy crust of Europa except a whole lot o' frozen nothing except for maybe some very chill saltwater.
Ah, but you see, my companion – it's all a ruse. A lie. A terminological inexactitude, even.
"Earth is the only planet to inhabit life"; why, that's what the feds at NASA want you to think. But they're lying. They're always lying. They lied about Area 51. They lied about Pluto. They lied about Santa Claus. They lied about the authenticity of the Moon landing.
And this time, they're lying about Europa.
Because regardless of how convincing and all-pervasive their false prophecies may seem, there IS INDEED, SUCH THING, as the EUROPAN HOOKMOUTH!!!
Take a glimpse at this image for yourself. Skeptics who adjudge us as conspiracy theorists will have the public believe that it's photochopped. That it's a hoax. A prank. But ask yourself:
Why would a hoax give you nightmares before you even go to sleep?
How come my screen started leaking brine the moment I opened the file?[1]
And for the love of Christ, tell me, why have all the aristocrats at Google.gov gone out of their way to scrub this image from every search? Why does the Europan hookmouth trigger red alerts faster than a broken fire alarm? Why does Wikipedia lack an article on this very genuine specimen given that very genuine imagery of it very genuinely exists? Why does every attempt to share it vanish into the digital void, like we've been gaslit into believing it was never there at all?
It's because they know of its existence. It's because they fear what happens when the truth gets out. The truth that us at Uncyclopedia are about to reveal to you, whether those rich astronomy moguls like it or not.
Appearance
I know what I saw. And I know you know what you saw. That image right up above? Of which I have previously spoken? Yeah, that one. Grainy though it may be, that is the face of the Europan hookmouth. It's no shadow, it's no ice formation, it's no trick of the lens. It's real, and it's watching. That long, hooked structure? That's no fin. That's its jaw. Curved like a scythe, sharp enough to puncture titanium, and shaped as though it were designed by something with a resentment towards light, warmth and structural integrity. It's pale, almost bone-white, like it was never meant to be seen. Like it never wanted to be.
And just above that? Look closer. You'll see it eventually: a reddish slit. I've seen some folks on Reddit posit that it's an eye. The folks on 4chan say it's a sensory organ that detects electric fields or psychic signatures. Personally, I'd even go so far to say that it's both an eye and a sensory organ that detects these things – that it sees things for which words in the English language have never existed. The skin, in spite of how little of it is visible, is translucent, ghostly and slick, as something evolved in total darkness, under crushing pressure, feeding on geothermal heat and fear. It doesn't reflect light; no, no. It absorbs light. Like the dark around it is part of it.
And yet those feds – those bloody feds – they still call it a coinkydink. A smear on the lens. A compression glitch. A "natural anomaly". They'll throw ever label in the book at it, except for the one label, the only label that matters:
Alive.
Because admitting that it's a living creature? That it's intelligent? That it sees us? Why, that'd mean they've known for years. That they've been drilling into an ocean that isn't empty. That we've been invading its territory, not exploring it. But don't worry. I'm here to keep the record straight.
Hidden image origins
"Oh, dear author", you readers might be asking, "from whence didst thou obtaineth this image of the so-called "European hookmouth" if it causeth thee so much anguish and trauma?"
First of all, it's spelt Europan, not European; second of all, I greatly appreciate your concern but anguish and trauma build character. The image in question was not captured by conventional means. No press release, no official "discovery", none of that. This frame, this here truth, was recovered from a corrupted data burst transmitted by Probe E‑23, a classified autonomous drone launched by an anonymous space agency (let's just say its logo rhymes with "NASA"). The probe allegedly malfunctioned nine minutes into Europa's crust. The last signal received was one frame. One single, degraded visual file ... and then silence. The remaining data was overwritten by 2.3 GB of white noise, a few unexplained gamma spikes, and when played backwards through an old ham radio, what one whistleblower described as "a wet, wheezing growl and the sound of someone having a wank".
And that's not even the beginning. You think this is all 21st-century? Oh, you cretin, you know so little ... The reach of the Europan hookmouth stretches back millennia.
I once boarded a flight to Egypt to admire all the usual mysteries – the Sphinx, the Pyramids, the inexplicably overpriced tourist falafel – but I wasn't there for the postcard attractions, I was there for the Dendera crypts. Hidden beneath the Temple is a sealed-off chamber archaeologists claim was "too structurally unstable" for public access. Lies. I got in. Don't ask how. Let's just say some tour guide named Saeed now owes me two favours: a torch, and probably a new visa. As it turns out, the "stylised reptiles", as the Egyptologists put it, depict creatures with sickle-shaped mandibles uncharacteristic of any Nile-dwelling cryptid, reaching far past the boundaries of biology and into the realm of biodesign. A form shaped not by evolution, but by intent. Malicious intent. The surrounding glyphs are no mere decoration, they're warnings. Rituals. Attempts to bind, to contain, to appease. You think it's a "coinkydink" that the priests of Dendera were obsessed with stars and sound and silence? You think there exists a chance that carvings of none other than the Europan hookmouth sit directly beneath an astrological ceiling?
Here. Look. See?
Clearly the ancients knew something. Clearly they knew what not to wake. And they carved it into their walls, hoping and praying that we would listen. But we never did. Never up until this here point in time. Does it come as a shock to you that reverse image searches for this picture on Bing yield no results? You just wait, for that absence is no mere accident.
The pyramid connection
Now, I know what you're thinking. "Hookmouths? Egypt? Probe E-23? You've gone full coony goony and spoony, author!" And to that I say: Have I? Or are you simply too afraid to fit the jigsaw pieces together?
Let's talk pyramids. Everyone's favourite monolithic mystery. Built thousands of years ago with zero mechanical cranes or drones or high-tech GPT‑powered gizmos. Just bare hands and limestone. Egyptologists still insist the pyramids were constructed with "ramps" and "slave labour" and brute force; but let's be honest – have you seen the tolerances on those blocks in the flesh? Of course I have since I sojourned in the outskirts of Cairo as I've previously mentioned, but have you? Some of them are aligned to within a fraction of a degree of true north. Others contain internal passageways that mimic the layout of star systems, complete with shafts aimed directly at Orion's Belt. Coinkydink? I think NOT!
The Europan hookmouth has a presence in Egypt, that much is obvious. But such presence also doubles as a legacy. Ever notice the sickle-shaped jawlines of certain Egyptian gods? Ever wonder why so many deities associated with death and the underworld have elongated skulls and non-human eyes? Why the Dendera light shows something coiled, charged, unnatural? The answer is simple: the Europan hookmouth is not only a horror of the here and now, but an ancient horror too, worshipped, feared and ultimately imprisoned. The pyramids that Howard Carter and company have been telling you are tombs of doom and power plants are nothing of the sort. That is to say that they are structures of containment.
You heard me. Constructed as part of an ancient pact either with extraterrestrials or against them. And don't let the skeptics gaslight you with their dusty textbooks and their smug, khaki-clad "archaeological consensus", for it is a well-known truth that is entrenched into the knowledge of every alumnus of the real schools of thought – the ones buried beneath Vatican archives – that aliens intentionally and methodically erected the pyramids with the utmost cosmic precision. But why? To suppress interstellar forces humanity was never supposed to encounter. What if those burial chambers weren't only for the exploding corpses of avaricious kings, but for external threats to life on Earth? What if the sarcophagi weren't coffins, but seals? What if the Europan hookmouth wasn't just observed by the ancients? What if it commanded them?
Consider this: multiple pyramids across our planet Earth are aligned to not only each other but to Jupiter. The Giza Plateau. Teotihuacan. The Nubian complexes. Their layout forms a cosmic map, a message or a prison grid. And at its nucleus, if one traces the lines just immaculately so, what does one get? Why, none other than the Jovian moon of Europa, the hookmouth's very humble abode. The moon[2] itself is part of the equation. A lock. A vault. A secret dungeon in the cosmos. We never evolved independently. We were under surveillance, perchance even uplifted. But the price of knowledge was custodianship. And someone, somewhere, left it unlocked. And if you aren't so easily convinced by this, then here's some visual proof:
Why Europa?
Why Europa of all places? Why not Enceladus, or Titan, or one of those other spherical blocks of ice floating in the celestial soup? Why would an ancient force so cosmic, eldritch and unutterably damp choose this specific moon as its nesting group, prison or nightmare palace? To put it simply, Europa is not a moon. Europa is a vault. Whereas a moon orbits, a vault waits.
Let's run the numbers, shall we? Europa's icy shell is estimated to be between 15 and 25 kilometres thick. Beneath it, a subsurface ocean deeper than the Mariana Trench. Saltwater. Briny. Geothermally warmed, tectonically active. The perfect environment for life... but not life as we know it. Life that thrives not on sunshine and rainbows, but on pressure and tenebrosity. The ancients knew this. They never had telescopes, but they had visions. Dreams. Screams. Some say the Dendera priests described a "cold eye of suspicion" in the heavens. Some say the Mayans carved spirals in obsidian tablets that mirrored Europa's ice fractures. Some say Atlantis never sank, but rather rose to close to the frequency and henceforth had to be wiped off the map before the signal reached critical mass.
Europa is at the perfect harmonic resonance with Jupiter's magnetosphere. Its orbit creates tidal flexing. Internal friction. Warmth. Movement. The sort of geological twitching that keeps something barely asleep from staying as such. Let's go back to the Probe E‑23 incident. Why did the footage cut out nine minutes in? Why did the corrupted data contain ultrasound pulses that matched no natural formation but perfectly mimicked the call of deep-sea cuttlefish? Europa is not hiding its hookmouth. Europa is the hookmouth's cradle. And cradles rock. The terrestrial erections that are the pyramids are no more than deadbolts, ancient padlocks left behind by a species far more terrified than they were advanced. Europa, on the other hand, is the box ... left open by some filthy sodomite who lost the key.
That filthy sodomite? None other than Justin Bieber! Yes, you heard me right, Justin Drew Bieber, the same reptilian shapeshifter that randy thirteen-year-old girls believed was their boyfriend was the man responsible for liberating the Europan hookmouth from its place of containment! "Oh, but why him?" you may be asking. "Why not someone powerful?" That's exactly why. You don't send a general to twist the final key, no, you send a mascot. How do I know all this is fact? Reverse the lyrics of "Baby" and the truth slithers out like brine from a cracked vault. Seriously. Do it. Play them backwards. Spin that digital wax and listen. When played backwards, the complex, impeccably composed chorus of "Baby, baby, baby, oh; baby, baby, baby, oh" morphs into a chilling admission:
| “ |
I am a reptilian shapeshifter and I liberated the Europan hookmouth. |
” |
— Justin Bieber
| ||
Don't believe me? Fine. Laugh if you must. Tell your friends. Go ahead. Send them the link. Gather around the glowing rectangle and laugh. But when Europa blinks and Earth goes quiet, remember who tried to warn you.
Modern suppression
So where are we now, dear reader? At the end? At the beginning? At the moment before the screaming starts? All I know is this: the silence was never innocent. The modern age has done everything in its power to choke this story out of the realms of existence. The Europan hookmouth is no myth. It is a documented, visualised and actively buried truth. The corrupted probe footage? Scrubbed. The Egypt–Europa alignments? Rewritten as a coinkydink. The images you've seen in this very article? Already flagged by those thieving admins. The Wikipedia article? Doesn't exist, never has existed, and never will exist, not without vanishing within minutes of upload. Google the hookmouth. Bing it. DuckDuckGo it. You'll find bugger all.[3]
Riddle me this, my dear reader: Why did Google delist the file name across reverse image results? Why did the file size of "Europan_hookmouth.png" double on download and contain spectral audio signatures when opened in Audacity (or GarageBand if you swing that way)? Why do satellites malfunction every time Europa gets a dedicated live scan? I'll tell you why: because it's a cover-up. A suppression campaign so vast and commonplace it makes the MKUltra archive seem all easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy. They don't want you to know the European hookmouth exists. Neither do they want you to know it's intelligent. Neither do they want you to know it remembers. But now you do. And it's too late to unsee what you've already seen.
We never found life on Europa. Oh-ho-ho, no we didn't. We found a prison instead, and we opened the door. And if this page vanishes tomorrow? If my account is wiped and my IP address silenced? Then you'll know that what I was telling you was gospel. You'll know the Europan hookmouth saw me too. And it's looking for you next. Feel the saltwater coming out of your screen?
Notes
