Cain Velasquez
“Cain Velasquez is Mexican.”
“No he's not.”
“I bet on this fine young man every fight, how do you think I'm so rich?”
“Cain Velasquez is American with Mexican descent.”
“Cain is dangerous, WOW....WOW....WOW...WOW...*5 hours later&*...WOW...WOW!”
Cain "Brown Pride" or "The Terminator" or "Pillow Fists" or "American Pride" or "Fish Tacos" Velasquez is a work horse for the Heavyweight division, he blows steam out of his nose like a bull or choo-choo train. Though many argue about his legitimacy.
History[edit | edit source]
He was born in AMERICA, both his parents were MEXICAN from an early age Cain was trained by Chuck Norris(1990 called they want their shitty meme back, norris is a pussy - was actually trained by his gang). but the UFC saw another potential cash cow in Cain Velasquez so they molested and marketed his Mexican heritage so much there was nothing left for seconds, like ravaging a chick so bad that she is unable to walk for a good day - before attempting to rape her again. Unfortunately the UFC President Dana "Cock head" White thought Cain would be a big draw, he then forgot after UFC 121 (1.05 Million PPV Buys) that Cain attracts Mexicans, who don't order PPV's because they're poor - instead they illegally stream fights.
NON-Neglect[edit | edit source]
Unlike the hard road Junior Dos Santos had to take to get his title shot Cain got his fairly easy. Yeah, that's pretty much it. Not trying to diminish the Champions accomplishments though so chill the flying fuck out you fucking fags.
Captain Charisma[edit | edit source]
Cain Velasquez has been ironically nicknamed "Captain Charisma" due to his inability to show any expression, no matter how hard he tries. He has such terrible mic skills that he had to hire Joe Roganjosh as his manager to hype up his fights.
Path of Destructive Boredom[edit | edit source]
- Wins - 50
KO - 1
TKO (via boredom) - 49
Death (via boredom) - Millions
Submission - 0
Decision - 0
- Losses - 1
Rape - 1
Cain doesn't like losing, as his one quote states...
“If you want a shot at the belt, don't fight me.”
Cain Velasquez .vs. Brad Morris[edit | edit source]
Cain wanted to fight Morris because we all know that Mexican-Americans have a beef with Australians. Cain raped the guy without a condom for a 1st Round TKO in Quebec, Canada in front of 23,000 people.
Cain Velasquez .vs. Jake O' Brien[edit | edit source]
Dana was so turned on by this experience that he fed Cain Jake O' Brien. It was said after Cain's TKO victory of Jake O' Brien that Joe Rogan busted a nut on his monitor.
Cain Velasquez .vs. Denis Stonjic[edit | edit source]
Dana White saw a Bosnian called Denis Stonjic, with his natural hate toward Bosnians he told Cain to rape him. Cain did so and got Knock Out of the Night for doing so. Joe Rogan never recovered from busting his nut 7 months previously.
Cain Velasquez .vs. Cheick "I purposely punch & knee people in the nuts because I'm a cheater" Kongo[edit | edit source]
Cain had a natural urge to rape a French black guy, so he fought Check Kongo - at one point during the fight Kongo started raping Cain, but Cain being the hardworking Mexican...Oh, I mean...American he is he raped Kongo harder and won.
Cain Velasquez .vs. Ben "I bullied people when I was a kid" Rothwell[edit | edit source]
It probably wasn't the smarted thing for Rothwell to mention he use to Bully kids at his school during the Countdown show for UFC 104. Cain made him pay dearly as it was a one sided pile driving ass pounder.
Cain Velasquez .vs. Big Nog[edit | edit source]
Cain Knocked out Big Nog in front of 21,000 screaming Australian Big Nog fans. End of Story. Earned his title shot at the biggest MMA fluke of all time Brock Lesnar.
Cain Velasquez .vs. Brock Lesnar[edit | edit source]
Cain laid down one of the biggest beat downs sense Anderson Silva .vs. Rich Franklin on a title holder. BUT, we all know that Brock was a fluke in which he will never be champ again as long as Cain and Dos Santos are around.
Cain Velasquez .vs. Junior Dos Santos[edit | edit source]
This fight is determined to happen in the near future - possibly early next year. The global scientific majority has proposed that this fight could potentially shift the earth's tectonic plates so much that the United States would become infused with the African continent. This is almost unanimously agreed upon as a plausible if not likely outcome, just from the fight's sheer awesomeness. There are even some amongst the scientific community that believe it will cause a "tear" in the space time continuum, and will bring back the dinosaurs, but most agree this is just downright absurd. UPDATE: Cigano finshed the world's hottest jalapeno pepper known as Cain Velasquez in 1:04 by (supposedly) replacing his drinking water with kryptonite, (Velasquez's only known weakness) then flicking him in the ear for an easy KO (Knock Off). This made every fanboy lose their hard-ons and spill their nachos all over their laps causing Dana "I like to cuss Skinhead $$$" White to call them whiners and Cigano to sleep with his title (Seriously). Jose Jalapeno I mean Cain Jala err Cain "I look like a gorilla" Velasquez will now have to sit in the corner of the cage with his arm's crossed while Cigano trys to avoid being humped by Cock Lescock. That match is scheduled for UFC 9000.
Cain Velasquez .vs. Antonio "Big Gina Foot" Silva[edit | edit source]
After Velasquez got knocked the fuck out in a minute and four seconds by Cigano Guns, Dana White decided to make Nacho Man fight Mir but Mir got a gift from White so he instead, fought an ugly Brazilian named Antonio Silva. Nacho Man was pissed and wanted to beat up Silva by punching him, but he got frustrated and wrestlefucked him and went flying like a bird and landing onto the canvas. Nacho Man was so angry about losing his title because Cigano tickled him to sleep with giant punches, he decided to make Silva bleed and broke his fucking nose and made him bleed. The result was Silva looking like a cold-blooded zombie and had his hand chopped off by his ugly wife "Bigdick Foot" Silva.