Junior dos Santos
“Junior Dos Santos is IN the octagon.”
“They can see that Mike.”
“I bet on this fine young man every fight, how do you think I'm so rich?”
“Junior Dos Santos is Brazilian.”
“Junior is a scary scary man!”
Junior "Cigano" Dos Santos will fucking knock your stupid ass out, all in the name of his country Brazil. What? Got a problem with that? Too fucking bad brah, guns are scared of this guy because they don't want to be knocked out either. What's this? A Chuck Norris comparison? PFFT! The difference is Junior gets payed to flat line people, not to act like it. Bam, I just did that. Now sit and learn of the future of Mixed Martial Arts, his name is Junior Dos Santos.He is AKA JDS for Just Dominated Assholes
History[edit | edit source]
He was born in Brazil, like all Brazilians he was born with the natural talent to fight, so he put that to use. He started kickboxing, he racked up an 18-0 kickboxing record then realized that this shit was too easy. So he stepped his game up to Vale Tudo fighting (a.k.a MMA, a.k.a UFC for those retards that think UFC is MMA, if you did go kill yourself now or Junior will have to kill you. You don't want that, do you? You don't.
Editors note: There are various cultures throughout the world (Some, such as the Aztecs are virtually extinct) that worship Junior Dos Santos as a god. There are at least 4 indigenous tribes of the Amazon that refer to him as Aaxnichos, which is literally translated as "The one who shatters face".
Sources: "Exploration of the Valley of the Amazon" by William Lewis Herndon, "The Canela: Kinship, Ritual and Sex in an Amazonian Tribe" (Case Studies in Cultural Anthropology) by William H. Crocker
Neglect[edit | edit source]
This great fighter is constantly being passed up for title shots because according to Dana "Skinhead" White, "He doesn't bring in enough fucking pay-per-view buys mother fuckers! I'm in it for the money! Not the fighters! Ha! FUCK! SHIT! COCK!" (Please take note on how Dana White swears a lot).
Mixed Martial Arts record[edit | edit source]
Official record from www.brazil.lib.in.us/
- Wins - 324
KO - 288
Death - 32
Submission - 4
Decision - 0
- Losses - 0
Cigano cannot lose.
Junior Dos Santos .vs. Fabricio Werdum[edit | edit source]
This was Junior's debut fight in the big leagues, Dana the cock head white was giving Werdum a rebound fight (even though he was on a 3 fight win streak.) Guess what? Junior knocked this fucker out with a brutal uppercut then knocked Dana White out. Dana White was so scared he gave Junior a contract at the expense of not being knocked out again. Junior knocked Werdum out so hard that Dana White cut Werdum, though many argue that Junior knocked some sense into Werdum as he went off to submit the best fighter of all fucking time, Gaydor Emelia-fucking-nenko bitches.
Junior Dos Santos .vs. Stefan Struve[edit | edit source]
Dana White wanted to get rid of Cigano AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, so he brought out 6 foot 11 bean stock boy, also known as Stefan Struve. Dana was wrong again, as Cigano made a fool of this poor child via brutal Knock out.
Junior Dos Santos .vs. Mirko Cro Cop[edit | edit source]
Dana White needed to stop this Brazilian, there were WAY too many in MMA so he needed someone to stop him. So he got Croatia Kickboxing and MMA legend Mirko Cro Cop to fight the young inexperienced Junior Dos Santos. WELL GUESS THE FUCK WHAT!!!?? Junior Dos Santos was so quick and brutal toward Mirko during the fight that he made Mirko QUIT, QUIT. This young child made a legend QUIT. FUCK YEAH, what now Dana White?!
Junior Dos Santos .vs. Gilbert Yvel[edit | edit source]
Dana White kept thinking that European Kickboxers can hang with Brazilian Vale Tudo fighters, so he signed a Holland kickboxer named Gilbert Yvel, he was widely known for randomly knocking out refs at will (Dana White prayed that the Referee Steve Mazagatti was in the cage when Gilbert got pissed.) BUT GUESS THE FUCK WHAT TIMES TWO MOTHER FUCKER??!! Junior Dos Santos knocked Gilbert the FUCK OUT!
Junior Dos Santos .vs. Gabriel Gonzaga[edit | edit source]
Dana White figured that if European fighters couldn't finish this guy, another Brazilian could. So he brought out ManBearPig, no wait... That's just Gabriel Gonzaga who doesn't shave his fucking chest. Long Story short, Gonzaga was knocked out by Junior Dos Santos. Did he get a title shot? No. Instead an American named Cain Velasquez did. he is now in the running for top contender in the heavweight division.
Junior Dos Santos .vs. Roy "Fat ass" Nelson[edit | edit source]
Dana needed to stop this crazy Brazilian for he could no longer keep his name away from the Heavy Weight title, so he told Roy Nelson that Dos Santos was a cheeseburger. Dos Santos tried to knock this fat guy out but the man's fat cushioned everything. Junior won with all three judges scoring it 30-26, which if you don't know what that means I'll tell ya'. It means that Junior beat this fat ass so hard that the judges actually took points away from Nelson for getting his ass kicked so hard. Now Cigano won his title shot finally, and seeing as Cain "Brown Pride" Velasquez easily dispatched Brock "Penis on My Chest" Lesnar, he'll be fighting Cain.
Junior dos Santos .vs. Shane Carwin[edit | edit source]
However Velasquez injured his shoulder in a low rider accident or something. Junior instead decided to coach on The Ultimate Dickhead season 13 meaning he would have to fight Brock "Penis Chest" Lesnar. Juniors Brazilianness however confused Lesnar and gave him and identity crisis. The UFC instead brought in Shane "No penis on my chest Lesnar" Carwin. Carwin tried to hit Junior but was getting his ass whooped then he tried to utilize his humping background in order to rape Junior. This also proved unsuccessful and Junior instead humped him right back. Junior is now finally in line for a shot at the Heavyweight championship.
Junior Dos Santos .vs. Cain Velasquez[edit | edit source]
This fight is determined to happen in the near future - possibly early next year. The global scientific majority has proposed that this fight could potentially shift the earth's tectonic plates so much that the United States would become infused with the African continent. This is almost unanimously agreed upon as a plausible if not likely outcome, just from the fight's sheer awesomeness. There are even some amongst the scientific community that believe it will cause a "tear" in the space time continuum, and will bring back the dinosaurs, but most agree this is just downright absurd. UPDATE: Cigano finshed the world's hottest jalapeno pepper known as Cain Velasquez in 1:04 by (supposedly) replacing his drinking water with kryptonite, (Velasquez's only known weakness) then flicking him in the ear for an easy KO (Knock Off). This made every fanboy lose their hard-ons and spill their nachos all over their laps causing Dana "I like to cuss Skinhead $$$" White to call them whiners and Cigano to sleep with his title (Seriously). Now Dos Santos will have to wait for Cock Err Brock Lesnar for 20 years to defend his title against him, and until then he will remain the current and undisputed Unidentified Flying Cat Extra Medium, Light, Bantem, Zantem, Ganta, Fappa, WWE, TNA, ROH Champion.
Junior Dos Santos .vs. Frank Mir[edit | edit source]
So this is Junior's first title defense fight, but he was suppose to fight Alistair "Monkey Steroid Man Overroids" Overeem, but the dumb giant steroid-sucker was caught fucking Dana White in a hotel room so Dana White made Frank Mir fight Junior so he doesn't get fucked again. Anyway, Frank "I got my ass kicked by Cock Lesnar" Mir thought he can replace Overeem and kick Junior's ass. However, this proved unsuccessful as Junior knocked Mir the FUCK OUT!! Anyway, Dana Cock White jizzed his pants after.