The Sun (comic)
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“It's soft on the bum”
“Are you a paedo? Are you a paedo? Have a bang on her tits, 16 today. Are you a paedo?”
The Sun, also known as The Scum or the Katie Price Daily, was originally a right-wing comic (although ignorant people think it is a REAL newspaper! imagine that...) aimed solely at the most stupid of working class people. The paper writes ignorant shit about a load of rubbish that never happened. The idea of the paper was originally brought up to pleasure people's naughty bits. So, in other words, it was the British version of Playboy.
As a result of this strange mixup, the "newspaper" only includes stories on which the most retarded working class Britons and far-right Nazis would agree: such as those stirring up hatred against anyone who is not a white working class British (but not seeking asylum) Christian heterosexual non-paedophile. Eventually, its readers became irritated at its lack of pornography, so it became a semi-pornographic magazine often featuring amateur girls of the age of 18 (16 before they realised they were perverts and got the law changed). It still hates paedophiles though, so if you were to have sex with a girl of 15 on the day before her 16th birthday, they would lynch you, except if they caught you after midnight, in which case they would take pictures of you. Then the Daily Mail would lynch them for child pornography. Its Sunday counterpart is The Moon.
The paper regularly endorses murder, and to this day refuses to acknowledge the truth about what happened at Hillsborough, that they are clueless, moneygrabbing pricks; and that the Argentinians are real people.
The Sun has a rich history. Oh, yes indeed.
First published in 1743 as the journal of the Royal Society, it was entitled Why you are a Stuck-Up, Ugly, Ignorant Joke, and sold extremely poorly. Teetering on the brink of collapse, it was bought out by Wullie “Scunner” Thompson a well-known Scottish publisher, and re-titled Grey's Anatomy. In this form, it became Britain's premier anatomical journal, publishing many important scientific discoveries, such as boobies, detailed in an exhaustive series of scientific research that continues to this day. Although a financial success, sales of Gray's Anatomy were disappointing in these early years. This was chiefly due to the fact that copies were printed on an entire horse, that had been hammered flat. This meant that each edition was expensive, costing the equivalent of a whole months supply of cocaine, and also due to the rather slower distribution system in place compared with today, each edition stank like nothing on Earth.
After a number of years of sluggish sales came a breakthrough in the history of Grey's Anatomy, journalism and horses. The dedicated workers in Grey's Anatomy's legendary R&D department invented a revolutionary all-paper version. Sales immediately rocketed, and soon it seemed all England was reading the new “paper”. It wasn't all England, though. A number of teenagers, who had to be different, would read nothing but the The Times Literary Review.
With it's increase in readership, Grey's Anatomy spoke to a much wider range of society that before, and content changed to reflect this. Instead of diagrams of dissected corpses and norks, new features appeared, such as sports news, detailing the results of cock fights, badger hunts, bear baiting, and even cricket. Also appearing for the first time in this period were financial reports, to reflect the growing wealth of scientists, a trend that continues to this day. To reflect these changes, the name was changed to The Mail. When it was pointed out that this name was already taken, it was changed once more to The Sun, to reflect the growing interest in astrology that was sweeping the scientific community.
In the years that followed, The Sun appeared set to dominate the British newspaper landscape like a giant otter that eats nothing but Big Macs, gets little exercise and is accidentally pumped full of helium. It was the most obvious and natural thing to think, but it wasn't to be. Even with its unbeatable formula of science, financial news and reports on cricket matches, sales slowly dropped. Paradoxically, at this time many of the more important stories of the day – Socialism invariably causes homosexuality and cancer and All feminists are ugly lesbians who can’t get laid to name just two – broke in The Sun. However, with the increased availability of sex shops, prostitutes, bare knuckle fights, cheap gin and fairground science laboratories, The Sun started to look old-fashioned, and sales slowly dropped.
Australia – is there nothing it can't do?
By the 1960s, The Sun was a shadow of its former glory. Fewer than one person in 27 million was buying The Sun, and research showed that they were only buying it to line their parrot's cage or wrap their fish and chips. Losses were grave, so when a dashing young Australian poet, philanthropist and philosopher named Rupert "Howling Mad" Murdoch offered to buy The Sun for 12 /6’ – equivalent to George W Bush's daily caviar budget in today's money – Old Man Thompson (now aged 621) sold up without a second thought. The financial, publishing and amateur dramatic societies of Brisbane and London were amazed. How would Murdoch re-vitalise The Sun? One of the methods used, which has since come into general use throughout world media, was to create the headline first then, using crowbars and sledgehammers, force the news to fit it. This technique is known as journalism. Another is the use of the pun on the front page in which an unfunny headline is mated with a barely credible story in the vain hope that the product will be greater than the sum of it's parts. Sadly, it never is.
No serious academic discussion of this rag would be complete without a brief mention of Murdock's greatest contribution to modern British culture. Although this phenomemon was first discovered by Guttenberg in 1192 with his use movable tits in printing. It was only when the link between money and mammaries was discovered that printing really took hold in the public imagination. It was 'Prince' Rupert who found that sad pervs would pay to see a picture af a womans 'assets' and that, for money, a woman could be persuaded to allow such a picture to be taken. The difference between the total amount paid to see the picture (£10,000,000) and the amount paid to the woman (14p) became known as profit and is the basis of all Capitalist economies throughout the world. This momentus discovery has allowed RM to become so wealthy that he now owns the entire galaxy.
News in Briefs
The 'News in Briefs' began as an attempt to insert some genuine educational material into the comic, and was funded by feminists in the government in the hope that the 14 year olds that look at the Page 3 models in envy would actually learn something. This also had a bonus (as opposed to boner) in that unemployed 38 year olds who drink all day could also raise their IQ, possibly into double digits.
However, a massive fallout between Murdoch and Harriet Harman spelt an end to this agreement. She accused The Sun of sexism for the section, although in actual fact she was angry as they declined her offer to pose nude for a double page spread.
The segment made a comeback for the 2010 general election, with the clearly intelligent glamour models giving their extremely well worded remarks on the election debate, which were not really written by the editors at all and were certainly not biased to the Conservative party. A study found that this section saw a 1000% increase in the working classes. This number would have been higher were it for the fact the rest of them could read.
The biggest difficulty Murdoch had at The Sun in those early days was with the Unions. Murdoch was desperate to retain everyone working for The Sun, arguing the impossibility of running a national journal with any less than 3 Archmages and 17 sub-editors working on the horoscope. The Unions were just as adamant that Murdoch should become a billionaire as quickly as possible, and demanded mass sackings. By the 1980s, war had broken out between the two sides. It was bloody, violent and grim. Eventually, the Unions won, and 97% of the staff were dismissed. Luckily, by the time the war ended, technology had overtaken the media, and it was possible to produce The Sun with only 5 staff. So devastating was the war that the the whole area around the docks of London (known as Docklands) was razed to the ground and was rebuilt as a social housing project complete with toy train set for children to play with. In order to prevent a catastrophy of this magnitude from ever reccuring, a castle or fortress called the Tower of London was built to protect this vital national resource.
Sun reporters, in common with other tabloid reporters, have faces that resemble a pigs head. Up until 2003, there was the scandal where owner Rupert Murdoch refused to put troughs in the Sun offices. It was only with the introduction of Rececca Wade as editor that caused Murdoch to reverse his decision. The rare breed red top promised to beat Murdoch with a handbag full of bricks and that her husband Ross Kamp would certianly not act out of character. Murdoch promptly soiled himself and gave in to their demands.
Reporters of the Sun and other tabloids can be seen in London pubs such as the 'Cock and Bull', 'The Two Titts' and 'The Pigs Arse'. In there, they play darts with some of their readership with photographs of people who are gay, queer, lesbian, peadophiles, ethnics, asylum seekers, non-christian, murderers ... and of course, middle class people who don't read the Sun, as target practice.
Editor Rebecca Wade has expressly said she is not a bisexual lesbian despite photos drifting around the internet of rough carrot topped lesbian sex.
Although there are only 5 of them, the staff of The Sun are amongst the finest journalistic talents ever seen. They are specially recruited from Eton, Harrow and Windsor colleges, selected from the two or three alumni each year that have slipped through the system and learnt how to read and write. On recruitment by The Sun they are trained in the arts of journalism, the traditions, the expectations and the honour that must become second nature. One reason for this intensive training is that The Sun produces a different edition for each region of Britain, every story being skilfully and subtly altered to appeal to the different tribes of Britain. Compare the following passages:
- City of London edition
HUNS OFF OUR WOMEN Fritz is up to his old tricks, and it's a damen liberty! Bonkers eurocrats in Brussels are going to impose a Standard European Breast on the hardworking people of England. They've had their knockers, but we say "Get your filthy, garlic-flavoured paws off our Crown Jewels".
- Manchester edition
FILTHY SCOUSE DOLE SCUM! Simian scroungers are a national disgrace People in Liverpool don't bathe, can barely read, vote Labour and would vote to hand England over to Soviet Russia, if they were allowed to vote! We say "We have more money than you, you ill-educated scum!"
- Then there is the Scottish edition. Scottish Sun readers are very fortunate in being spared right-wing racist lunatic Kelvin MacKenzie, and his severe case of Tourette's Syndrome, because even the Sun's publishers are smart enough to figure out that constant rants about "those fucking Jocks" would hurt sales. The Northern Ireland version exists but is rare, with endless headlines devoted to Loyalist commandos who sprain their ankles.
Like many venerable institutions, The Sun has developed its own idiosyncrasies, such as getting topless women to write op-ed pieces, writing legislation, and being needlessly vindictive to Liverpool. One of the most cherished traditions of The Sun is the language it employs.
- Sun to English dictonary
- Romp — sex
- Sex act — blowjob
- Model — thought control for the lower classes - always female, never male
- Leaked memo — official press release
- Our boys — British soldiers
- Pervert or Perv — child abuser, despite the fact that there's a big difference between child abusers and 'pervs' (e.g. 'pervs' go through your sister's knicker drawer, whereas abusers fuck little boys up the arse - see: catholic priest). 'Pervs' does, however, have the advantage of sounding titillating to the reader. 'Perv' can also, in some contexts, refer to a man over 35 with a normal interest in sex.
- Shocker — mildly surprising
- Pukka — a type of pie
- Bangers — breasts
- Little darling — recently murdered child
- Rumpy-pumpy — illicit sex involving a High Court Judge
- Allegedly — a word used as a wonderful all-purpose anti-litigation tool for outright lies or potentially libellous opinions
- Jon Gaunt — largely overweight and repulsive ignorant breed of wanker, allegedly
- Stunna — whore
- Close personal friend of — liar
- A reliable source told us — we so wanted this to be true that we made it up
- News — politically motivated lies
- An Insider — a nobody
- A close insider — a backbench MP who probably has faint knowlage of the so-called "News" (ie. politically motivated lies)
- Outraged — because popular society said so
- Terrifying — mildly agitating/racially other
- Chav — a crack at cheap humour or someone we don't like (somewhat ironic, since they're 115% of the target audience)
- Asylum seeker — a scapegoat
- Grab (benefits) — claim an entitlement
- Scrounge — see above
- Benefits scrounger — disabled person
- Toff — someone with enough common sense or money not to read the Sun
- Last night — we have to turn this stuff out earlier than anyone else you know
- Richard Littlejohn — right-wing hypocritical twat
- Assets — lovely pert breasts that you can imagine placing your face between while saying flububububbububububub
- Exclusive! — also appeared in the Daily Mirror and Daily Express or Page 14 of a real newspaper
- Rap — criminal charge
- Caged — imprisoned, jailed
- Rant — state an opinion
- Punter — 1. citizen of UK, Sun reader. 2. client of a prostitute
- Political Correctness — any policy we don't agree with
- Bonkers — The Sun name for Frank Bruno
- Love Rat — someone who cheats on their partner
- Beater — someone who slaps his wife, but remember Rebecca Wade can hit her husband okay
- Scoop — a great made up article, as in Gotta Scoop Call The Sun now!, also referred to as a scoop of execreter
- Wierdo — someone who hasn't lost their virginity by the age of 12 or hasn't masturbated over one of the Sun Page 3 girls
- Petition — a list of Sun reading signatories, either sent to, or marched to Downing Street in the hope of stopping murderers and perverts forever; that should stop them
- Sun Justice — hang all the murderers, perverts and people they don't like and let their 'normal' readership do it. Try and get prisons to represent a cross between the stocks and a dungeon, where their readership can have a go. Deport or gas all foreingers, ethnics and rubbish. Stop all benefits for spongers. Allow LittleJohn to be racist at football matchs with his friends. Only two words, but they say a lot.
- Vile — description of organisation such as the BNP, having political views such as being in favour of restricting immigration, applying disproportionate punishment, putting the whim of the 'common man' above the rule of law: definitely not at all like the Sun's views. Synonym: odious.
- Lags — criminals in prison
- Boffin — 1. a well-educated or well-informed person. 2. an expert in their field. 3. someone who knows what they are talking about i.e. not a reader of the Sun.
- Brave — a minor Z-list celebrity that has cancer
- Gong — a medal
- Scorcher — any day over 25 degrees Celsius; often accompanied by a picture of an ugly woman at the beach, even if there are tropical rainstorms throughout the country.
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