Hula hoop

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“I kinda want to see what they gonna say about laser ones. Looks like a one-shot to me.”

~ General Patton on How to look cool in spandex.

“Watch me wiggle!”

~ Jayne Mansfield on Toys'R Us.

The hula hoop is a primitive hunting weapon used mostly by Hawaiian islanders. Hawaiians also use them to make hula hoop skirts for their women.

Early History[edit | edit source]

Archaeological evidence suggests that the hula hoop was invented in Hawaii as a defense against repeated boomerang attacks by rampaging Australoid invaders from Austria. Hula hoop technology soon spread rapidly throughout the Pacific Islands. Many British explorers quickly learned not to fuck with with Polynesian Hula warriors, who, at a range of 500 yards, could slice off a man's head with a mere swivelling of his hips.

Hula Hoops at War[edit | edit source]

In the Second World War II, Hawaii's military forces, armed with hula hoops only, single-handedly destroyed every Japanese war plane that was sent to attack Pearl Harbor. General Douglas MacArthur then lead a massive assault squadron of Hawaiian hula hoopers to dismantle the Japanese empire in the Pacific and lay waste to Tokyo, North Korea, and all of communist China to end the war.

The Modern Era[edit | edit source]

Playing with the hoop in an Israeli trance-rave.

Today's modern Hawaiian is thoroughly trained from birth in the deadly hula hoop arts, handed down by ancient oral traditions. Even the puniest Hawaiian child is capable of generating rotation rates of up to 5 million RPM.

Towards the end of the fucking 1990's, the entertainment value of the Hula-Hoop was discovered. Maxley Belkshit is considered to be the 'father' of the modern - entertaining Hula Hoop. Maxely wanted to use the Hula Hoop to bring peace to the world. He used the symbolizm where the Hawaiian Hula Hoop is a weapon of destruction but this weapon can be used for achieving peace. Maxley was killed in a working-accident at his warehouse by a Hula Hoop. After Maxley's death the hula hoop became quite popular in Israel, especially at underground trance-raves, from there it spread to the rest of the world. Hula-Hooping is also a favorite past time of the cockroaches.

The Range of Crisps[edit | edit source]

Hula Hoops are also crisps about one centimetre in diameter. They are famous for coming in smaller than usual bags that are only half full anyways, so you get about 10 in each packet. They have became a staple diet of many chavs in the United Kingdom. Many male chavs have been known to buy a packet of hula hoops and use them as engagement rings for their partners, who, needless to say are often delighted.

Hobbit Hooping[edit | edit source]

Hobbits are generally known to be the best hoopers. Their hairy toes give them special magical wiggling powers. The Hobbit Hoopers are generally found in the West of England. It has been suggested that they developed their hooping skills to prevent them from being run over by combine harversters.

The Greatest Hula Hoop Ever Built[edit | edit source]

A bunch of hippies assembling the mega fun greatest hula hoop ever built.

Few will argue against the fact that the 1968 Freedom Movement gave birth to the single most fun hulla hoop ever constructed. Built by activists under the influence of LDS, it is 27 miles in diameter and integrate subtle enhancements compared to the more traditional hula hoop such as a nuclear cooling system in order to keep the fun going from dusk till dawn. Inaugurated by the Queen of England herself, she enthusiastically declared upon trying it: "I want one!".

The Next Generation[edit | edit source]

An early attempt at Laser Hula Hoops.
The boomtastic Blast2000 as advertised by Taliban Inc.

Undeterred by the somewhat disappointing failures encountered while testing the first laser hula hoop ever, some intrepid young creatives are hard at work uping their game with what will be the next trend in mega fun for the coming years. Technological advancements always being at the center of marketing wars, it's no surprise that the Talibans have begun advertising against the laser hula hoop with the announcement of a new release of their own. According to these late competitors, you'll have a blast experiencing it.

See Also[edit | edit source]